Fuk this shit!
Get this! you remeber my last entry?? you know, the one where everything in my life was just peachy and there was a song comming from the heavens, the clouds parted and God seemed to be raining his glory down on me?? yeah, well... that wasn't His glory!!! Turns out he was pissing right on my head!!! i came home from the second day of school yesterday and asked jer what he wanted to eat for dinner. keep in mind he has been home almost and hour and a half by now. he proceeds to tell me that he wants to hire a maid to clean our house. I know that doesn't sound that bad right??!! i would love not to have to clean this damn house. so why am i taking it so personally? it's like if i were to waltz in to his work and hire someone to go behind him and do it better. i know i have a back problem and i can't mop and sweep the floors as good as it should be done but at least i try!! I hate that he treats me like such a tard!! i FUCKING HATE that this house has to be a sterile place in order for him to be happy and not bitch!! no joke if the house not being clean is getting on his nerves he either watches tv or locks himself in the computer room until it is time to go to bed!! call me crazy but i don't think that if the house is clean or not should determine how his mood is or how much attention he pays me! GOD he is so fucked up in his head! as if this wasn't enough the kid situation got brought up. he agreed about two weeks ago to go to counseling. his reason is to speed the process of my decsion of staying or leaving up. he doesn't realize that he can't just go to one of my meetings. i have to ask the dr. if it is ok first and plus we are in the middle of talking about my relationship with my mother right now... yeah.. i'm alot more screwed up that i had originally thought! so he asked if school was such a good idea when i was "stringing him on" not giving him an answer!! the nerve of the fucker!! does he honestly think that i like staying here wasting my child bearing years?? if i had the GOD DAMN answer i would have told him!! so, i got pissed and asked him if he wanted my answer now cause i would give it to him and pack my shit and leave! well that opened a new can, and we went round and round for a while. he said some shit like if the roles were reversed that he would feel like a "mooch" going to school not knowing if he was going to stay or not. so i grew some brass balls and told him that i deserved to go to school because of all the shit i put up with and because if i do leave i will need something under my belt to support myself and if i stay the i AM going to have a career if he likes it or not since we aren't having kids. and since the roles aren't reversed he should feel like the "mooch" since he took five and a half years of my life "stringing me on" making me think that we were going to have a family someday! we spent the rest of the night not talking and still haven't talked today. not really planning on it either! how fuking unsportive can this man get?? i hope i am making some kind of sence to someone. all i know is i have to get my ass through school so i can get out of this HELL!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH