stress....
you probably don't want to read this, it's a pretty raw outpouring of all the shit that's been making me lose sleep this past week - it is not pretty nor polite nor will it make anyone happy, but i'm so frustrated that
1. rebecca... i don't want a confrontation with her. i don't want to see her, either, cause as much as i would never take cameron back, every time i see her it's just a little hollow feeling in my chest - he chose her over his friends, and that hurts me.
i'm scared of her more than i dislike her. cause i don't want her to see that. and more than that, i don't want her to see that i think she's ruined his life... that scorn. so i've been ignoring her... but the stress of ignoring someone is a lot more than you'd think. i can see her looking at me when i pass in the halls, and i don't like people watching me! and i don't like her judging me, or god knows going back to tell cameron that she saw me... i hate being talked about behind my back, it's about the worst feeling in the world. and i know she knows i'm ignoring her, and that makes me feel bad - because i'm not a mean person, and i don't want her to feel like i'm doing it cause i'm trying to be mean...
grr... and seeing her is less stressful, in a way, than not - i keep knowing i'm going to run into her, and so i worry myself to death wondering when and where, and then it makes me more worked up than i could possibly need to be.
i don't know what to do... and i feel bad about it, guilty, but at the same time i resent the hell out of her for making me this stressed out. this selfish part of me say "goddamn, why couldn't you just stay dropped out? you took any chance i had of being with the man i'm in love with - and i got over that. then you took one of my best friends - and i lived through that. now you're going to take my peace?"
2. kaylynn is unhappy, which makes me unhappy... and i hate not being able to fix any of the stuff that's going on with her.
and frankly lately i've been feeling really, really pissed at ricky, and frustrated at her. he's never been a good boyfriend, in some ways, and i hate that it seems like she has to *ask* him to do things he should think of on his own - and then that she feels guilty and bad over it on top of that.
he should be the one trying his damndest to make her happy, and he doesn't seem to care... i mean, she gave up the chance to go to big-name colleges for him. she can say what she wants about money, i know it was because of him - he's the only thing keeping her here. and it scares the hell out of me that she's willing to do something that big for him... and he doesn't even seem to realize how important of a choice that was. he seems to treat it all like it's to be expected... and it shouldn't!
and i hate how the relationship between them is unbalanced like that. if kay smokes out or wants to go drink or something, she's likely to either do it with him, or not tell him about it. and yet he goes out and gets drunk whenever he wants and parties with his friends, and she just pretty much gets to put up with it. same thing with the living situation thing - if kaylynn was living in the same house with a guy who had the same reputation that maddie does, there would be a problem. or rather, there would be a temper tantrum on ricky's part - and yet her problems with him living with her are completely resolved by a talk and a fuck - not to be rude.
i'm not even emotionally attached to michael yet and if he moved out and into a house with someone like her i would be very, very, very freaked out about that. that would not fly, and i would make it very clear to him that it didn't. and hannah and kamil saying in class that ricky spends a lot of his time with maddie and her brother... that bothers me. because for quite a while he was only supposedly able to see kay once a week or so, or that was all he bothered with... and yet he's got all this time to hang out with them, or hannah and kamil, or pretty much anyone who's got alcohol or weed frankly.
i just don't get it - how he takes her for granted... and it worries the fuck out of me, because i know two things: one, if he ever breaks up with kaylynn or cheats on her or something, it will break her utterly. and two, no matter what he does, she will take him back. and i'm so worried that she's going to have tried so hard with him, and then get hurt - and then i'm gonna have to punch him in the balls.
3. college shit. i am... pretty much giving up hope.
i sat down to file an extension the day AFTER tax day. so i can't file my taxes, and i'm 98% sure i was supposed to. i don't know what's going to happen when they see how much i made last year and that i was supposed to file and didn't, and that dread is keeping me from sending in my paperwork, which is due may first... along with the $250 i don't have... i want to ask my dad for it, but i don't want my mom going off on me about how i need to get a job, and this is my fault, and i'm a useless bum.
so what the hell do i do about it? god, i feel like a fucking coward, but this is so important that i'm afraid to deal with it and mess it up!
4. the guy situation. i haven't told chris about michael yet... and i don't know why. one part of it i guess is because i don't want to hurt him. another part of it, though, is that i don't want to risk messing up our friendship over a relationship i'm not sure of yet. but whatever it is, it makes me feel bad to have not told him - like in some funny way i'm lying to michael too? even though michael knows every time i hang out with him.
i want to tell him because i want his advice, though... he's my friend and i want him to be able to be ok with it. and i'm sick of not being able to say "yeah, my boyfriend came over yesterday and he was so sweet" or "can't hang out thursday michael is coming over" or stuff like that - i hate making up shitty excuses.
and there's a really nasty mean part of me that sometimes wants to tell him just so i /can/ hurt him. and i refuse to do that.
as for michael himself, he's sweet and funny and nice, but for some reason i don't feel like he's really opened up yet - which scares me - i don't want to start caring about him unless i know he cares about me, which is hard to know when i don't know if he's being himself around me or not! and i am afraid that i'm going to be too much for him, when things start getting physical - i'm more experienced than him and i know what i want, and he's shy - god i hope he's not as shy in bed, or it's going to be trouble. and i don't want him to think i'm a whore just because i know what i want, i want him to be able to look at me as someone he respects.
so i don't want to initate it, cause i don't want to seem like i'm a slut or make this about sex, but i don't necessarily want to wait for him to do it... because horrible as it sounds, i'm a physical person and just kissing and cuddling is not going to do it for me for very long, okay?
i'm the kind of person who probably carries things too far too fast because i'm not okay with doing the same thing every day. it's in my nature to push the limits, to escalate, to search out that adrenaline rush. and i don't know what's worse, to hold myself back and not act like the person i really am with michael, or to not hold myself back and risk fucking this up and making him not respect me and turning this into sex only.
so... i've not been sleeping well (as in, i worry myself into not sleeping til very late, and when i do sleep, i have fucked-up nightmares and wake up six or seven times), i'm almost frantically stressed at school (to the point of skittishness), i'm getting migraines - ones that aren't even going away with tortilla chips like my normal ones do, all the muscles in my back and neck are tight, i can't find the energy to do anything.
i don't know what to do other than... let it go, take a hot bath, try to get some energy back this weekend so i can deal with it monday, and keep it all boxed in like i've been doing :P
1. rebecca... i don't want a confrontation with her. i don't want to see her, either, cause as much as i would never take cameron back, every time i see her it's just a little hollow feeling in my chest - he chose her over his friends, and that hurts me.
i'm scared of her more than i dislike her. cause i don't want her to see that. and more than that, i don't want her to see that i think she's ruined his life... that scorn. so i've been ignoring her... but the stress of ignoring someone is a lot more than you'd think. i can see her looking at me when i pass in the halls, and i don't like people watching me! and i don't like her judging me, or god knows going back to tell cameron that she saw me... i hate being talked about behind my back, it's about the worst feeling in the world. and i know she knows i'm ignoring her, and that makes me feel bad - because i'm not a mean person, and i don't want her to feel like i'm doing it cause i'm trying to be mean...
grr... and seeing her is less stressful, in a way, than not - i keep knowing i'm going to run into her, and so i worry myself to death wondering when and where, and then it makes me more worked up than i could possibly need to be.
i don't know what to do... and i feel bad about it, guilty, but at the same time i resent the hell out of her for making me this stressed out. this selfish part of me say "goddamn, why couldn't you just stay dropped out? you took any chance i had of being with the man i'm in love with - and i got over that. then you took one of my best friends - and i lived through that. now you're going to take my peace?"
2. kaylynn is unhappy, which makes me unhappy... and i hate not being able to fix any of the stuff that's going on with her.
and frankly lately i've been feeling really, really pissed at ricky, and frustrated at her. he's never been a good boyfriend, in some ways, and i hate that it seems like she has to *ask* him to do things he should think of on his own - and then that she feels guilty and bad over it on top of that.
he should be the one trying his damndest to make her happy, and he doesn't seem to care... i mean, she gave up the chance to go to big-name colleges for him. she can say what she wants about money, i know it was because of him - he's the only thing keeping her here. and it scares the hell out of me that she's willing to do something that big for him... and he doesn't even seem to realize how important of a choice that was. he seems to treat it all like it's to be expected... and it shouldn't!
and i hate how the relationship between them is unbalanced like that. if kay smokes out or wants to go drink or something, she's likely to either do it with him, or not tell him about it. and yet he goes out and gets drunk whenever he wants and parties with his friends, and she just pretty much gets to put up with it. same thing with the living situation thing - if kaylynn was living in the same house with a guy who had the same reputation that maddie does, there would be a problem. or rather, there would be a temper tantrum on ricky's part - and yet her problems with him living with her are completely resolved by a talk and a fuck - not to be rude.
i'm not even emotionally attached to michael yet and if he moved out and into a house with someone like her i would be very, very, very freaked out about that. that would not fly, and i would make it very clear to him that it didn't. and hannah and kamil saying in class that ricky spends a lot of his time with maddie and her brother... that bothers me. because for quite a while he was only supposedly able to see kay once a week or so, or that was all he bothered with... and yet he's got all this time to hang out with them, or hannah and kamil, or pretty much anyone who's got alcohol or weed frankly.
i just don't get it - how he takes her for granted... and it worries the fuck out of me, because i know two things: one, if he ever breaks up with kaylynn or cheats on her or something, it will break her utterly. and two, no matter what he does, she will take him back. and i'm so worried that she's going to have tried so hard with him, and then get hurt - and then i'm gonna have to punch him in the balls.
3. college shit. i am... pretty much giving up hope.
i sat down to file an extension the day AFTER tax day. so i can't file my taxes, and i'm 98% sure i was supposed to. i don't know what's going to happen when they see how much i made last year and that i was supposed to file and didn't, and that dread is keeping me from sending in my paperwork, which is due may first... along with the $250 i don't have... i want to ask my dad for it, but i don't want my mom going off on me about how i need to get a job, and this is my fault, and i'm a useless bum.
so what the hell do i do about it? god, i feel like a fucking coward, but this is so important that i'm afraid to deal with it and mess it up!
4. the guy situation. i haven't told chris about michael yet... and i don't know why. one part of it i guess is because i don't want to hurt him. another part of it, though, is that i don't want to risk messing up our friendship over a relationship i'm not sure of yet. but whatever it is, it makes me feel bad to have not told him - like in some funny way i'm lying to michael too? even though michael knows every time i hang out with him.
i want to tell him because i want his advice, though... he's my friend and i want him to be able to be ok with it. and i'm sick of not being able to say "yeah, my boyfriend came over yesterday and he was so sweet" or "can't hang out thursday michael is coming over" or stuff like that - i hate making up shitty excuses.
and there's a really nasty mean part of me that sometimes wants to tell him just so i /can/ hurt him. and i refuse to do that.
as for michael himself, he's sweet and funny and nice, but for some reason i don't feel like he's really opened up yet - which scares me - i don't want to start caring about him unless i know he cares about me, which is hard to know when i don't know if he's being himself around me or not! and i am afraid that i'm going to be too much for him, when things start getting physical - i'm more experienced than him and i know what i want, and he's shy - god i hope he's not as shy in bed, or it's going to be trouble. and i don't want him to think i'm a whore just because i know what i want, i want him to be able to look at me as someone he respects.
so i don't want to initate it, cause i don't want to seem like i'm a slut or make this about sex, but i don't necessarily want to wait for him to do it... because horrible as it sounds, i'm a physical person and just kissing and cuddling is not going to do it for me for very long, okay?
i'm the kind of person who probably carries things too far too fast because i'm not okay with doing the same thing every day. it's in my nature to push the limits, to escalate, to search out that adrenaline rush. and i don't know what's worse, to hold myself back and not act like the person i really am with michael, or to not hold myself back and risk fucking this up and making him not respect me and turning this into sex only.
so... i've not been sleeping well (as in, i worry myself into not sleeping til very late, and when i do sleep, i have fucked-up nightmares and wake up six or seven times), i'm almost frantically stressed at school (to the point of skittishness), i'm getting migraines - ones that aren't even going away with tortilla chips like my normal ones do, all the muscles in my back and neck are tight, i can't find the energy to do anything.
i don't know what to do other than... let it go, take a hot bath, try to get some energy back this weekend so i can deal with it monday, and keep it all boxed in like i've been doing :P