Still Lost...

[natalunga717]

I'm so over this shit. Nothing has fucking changed. I have a guy I'm used to, and a daughter, and halfway to receiving a fucking bachelors. Everyone around me thinks I'm drilled too hard at work and I should quit. It isn't that fucking easy. I understand my team looks like assholes that just take advantage of me, and I know it's true to some extent. But not all. Not fucking all. I understand the people around me are just trying to open my eyes and get me to stand up for myself and move on from this shithole of a job. But I can't. I just can't. And I can't truly say why. Everyone else before was able to "fuck" them over and move on without any repurcussions and without batting an eyelash. If I did the same, guilt would overwhelm me to the end of my miserable days. Mikey is my best friend. I'm struggling with him at the moment. He's really helpful and all, but he can be a real dick sometimes. Doesn't he understand the added pressure he gives me? Doesn't he understand I want to drive my car into him and against a fucking wall? I would gladly join him right after. But I can't. I have a daughter now, and it's not fair to her that I continue these frivolous suicidal thoughts. I'm just so tired. Meanwhile, other countries are dying by the thousands due to natural disasters and underdeveloped circumstances. Why can't I just enjoy my life? Why can't I just breathe and be happy for what I have? I need to stay at my job because it will help me and look good to get pre-approved for a mortgage. I desperately need a home. The only thing worse than the workload at my job is the tension and hatred of my hoursehold. Luckily my mother is essentially 100% available for nanny duty while I slave away working and studying. But she has a girlfriend who is pretty primitive and annoying overall, in addition to the regular annoyance of living with your mother. Mikey doesn't make this transition any easier. Our sex life has plummeted. I wonder if I am really able to just stick it out sometimes. My fear of regret for those actions keeps me from taking any. I also want my daughter to have both of her parents always together, watching over her. Now I have a fucking orgo final (THE LAST FUCKING ORGO EXAM) and everything needs to cave in on itself at the same fucking time. Just fucking kill me now bro. Now my emotions can't allow me to study efficiently because of my guilt, anger, and hatred for everything regarding my job, everyone's passive aggressive statements about me not working hard enough, and Mikey, who just chimes in to shoot me down at the opportune moment. I'm done. I'm just done.

Sadly, this post will just be a random venting and I will move on forever enduring the bulk of my life's responsibilities, with everyone around me either saying I am not doing enough, or I have no respect for myself for taking too much on. I just hope I can get it together before there's real potential for it to affect my daughter. Her living my path would be the worst thing that could ever happen to her.