random thoughts

[natalienoo]

i don't think my brothers realise this but i miss them the most out of anyone. i hated my brothers growing up. i mean, i loved them, but they were so annoying and i always wished they were never born. now i feel sometimes like we are best friends. i'm excited to come home and have them be 19 so we can hang out together more. the relationship that we've developed in the last few years is amazing, and then i go and fuck everything up by moving away from them. today was the first time i could listen to the cd they made me without crying. i mean, could you imagine your 18 year old brothers having the imagination and heart to put "goodbye (my friend)" by the spice girls as the last song? but it was as i was listening to that cd that i realised just how much i'm missing being away this year. i missed (joe's) commencement, i'm missing college apps, i'm missing them being 18, turning 19. i can't even buy my brothers there first (legal) beer. and my parents don't understand anything right now partly cause they are getting old (i had the privildge of having them as young parents, it has its benefits and downfalls). i dunno i just feel like not only are my brothers losing me, but i'm losing out on time with them and it makes me really sad. i know this is just cause i'm drinking wine right now but i really did have that moment in the car today and i really am sad about it.

i love you boys xo