This Can't Be Real...
I wish that I could wake up tomorrow and find out that all of this has been one nasty, horrible dream. I wish that I could wake up panting for breath and have John wrap his arms around me as he slowly calms me down in that special way only he can--could.
I can't believe that this is real. John is dead. My John... Damn it it's not fair! For the first time in twenty-five years he was at peace. The man who shot his father was behind bars, he was going to send him to death row and finally move on with his life. He was going to ask me to marry him for God's sakes! Then the very night all of this happens he dies?
I feel like there's this huge hole inside of me, like I lost some vital part of myself--and I guess I did.
Today was Jess's bridesmaid dress fitting... I freaked because in one instant it became all too painfully clear that John is gone. He's gone and he's never coming back. The realization settled heavily into my stomach and I tried to explain to Jess, Kelly and Adrianna but they all just gave me (and each other) those damn looks I hate so I ended up giving up and leaving. I really didn't want to ruin Jess's day anyway.
I really don't want to talk about what happened next. Let's just say it was the biggest mistake of my life and I feel even worse because of it.
John... You were always the one constant in my life. Even after I found out that you kept the truth about Cristian from me I wasn't able to stay away from you. You were my best friend from the time in Grandpa's cabin when you helped me understand that it was okay for me to be angry at Cristian up to the night you died--I know there were times I didn't show it but I loved you through everything.
How could you leave me like this? How am I supposed to go on when the love of my life, my soul mate leaves me behind to face life without him? I'm not sure that I can John... But I'll fight with everything I am to reclaim what's left of my life because I know that's what you'd want me to do.
I love you now and forever John and I know that I'll miss you until the day I die...
I can't believe that this is real. John is dead. My John... Damn it it's not fair! For the first time in twenty-five years he was at peace. The man who shot his father was behind bars, he was going to send him to death row and finally move on with his life. He was going to ask me to marry him for God's sakes! Then the very night all of this happens he dies?
I feel like there's this huge hole inside of me, like I lost some vital part of myself--and I guess I did.
Today was Jess's bridesmaid dress fitting... I freaked because in one instant it became all too painfully clear that John is gone. He's gone and he's never coming back. The realization settled heavily into my stomach and I tried to explain to Jess, Kelly and Adrianna but they all just gave me (and each other) those damn looks I hate so I ended up giving up and leaving. I really didn't want to ruin Jess's day anyway.
I really don't want to talk about what happened next. Let's just say it was the biggest mistake of my life and I feel even worse because of it.
John... You were always the one constant in my life. Even after I found out that you kept the truth about Cristian from me I wasn't able to stay away from you. You were my best friend from the time in Grandpa's cabin when you helped me understand that it was okay for me to be angry at Cristian up to the night you died--I know there were times I didn't show it but I loved you through everything.
How could you leave me like this? How am I supposed to go on when the love of my life, my soul mate leaves me behind to face life without him? I'm not sure that I can John... But I'll fight with everything I am to reclaim what's left of my life because I know that's what you'd want me to do.
I love you now and forever John and I know that I'll miss you until the day I die...