(no subject)
i was almost able to adjust to the fact that i failed and had to come home. i had a job and a good routine with cassi and galen which was actually keeping me stable. but then once again i had to fuck things up. now not only am i going to individual and group therapy to deal with the fact that i hate myself but i am also being drug tested and breathalized daily by my parents. i have absolutely no freedom and the worst part of it is that its all my fault. i dont think i am any more fucked up than any of my friends. we all drink and smoke too much but i just happen to have parents who take life too seriously. i realized the reason my parents and i cant see eye to eye is because i would rather live life as a joke. i hate that i cant see my friends until i have a clean drug test but worst of all i hate the fact that once im actually allowed to be with my friends ill probably still be miserable. ive lost the ability to have fun without drugs and although i love my friends and think they are the most entertaining people i know hanging out with them sober is not gonna be all that much better than being stuck at home. what the hell do people who dont do drugs do for fun? i just cant think of it. maybe the prozac will start working and ill find this new passion for just being alive but for now life is bland and keeps getting worse. i know its stupid of me to bitch about my problems when there are others in the world with it much worse but pain is relative and all i can compare myself to is my friends who still get to be in school, see each other, and have fun without their parents controlling everything they do. sometimes i wonder how a few of them would be able to deal with what i deal with. they would probably kill themselves. so i know this is like the most negative post ever but its just something that had to happen because i spend my entire life pretending things are ok laughing my problems away and this is one way to let out how i actually feel. fuuuuuucccccckkkkkk