Is there an open freeway?

[nat_the_cat]

Well, me and Christopher just got into a big argument. Well, more like a discussion that didn't go anywhere and didn't exactly have a point to it except that we both made each other feel like shit. I feel bad for what I've done lately. I wish i could earn his trust back somehow, but that will probably take a life time. I've done so much stuff to him that he doesn't deserve. he never did anything to me for me to act that way to him. nothing at all. the only thing that he has done is been there for me when i've needed him and has done so much for me. i hope he forgives me, but if he wont, i dont blame him. ive been a bitch lately and i shouldnt have. just because im pregnant doesnt mean i should be a bitch. the adoption commercial is playing on the tv and its making start to cry. what if that photo was a photo of my child on the screen? what kind of family would he end up with? would he be treated well? would i be able to see him when i want to? im so scared right now. i want to keep conor because its the only chance of me having a child of my own. a son to look forward to seeing at the end of the day. to look forward to holding and feeding and taking care of. i know it will be hard being young and all and trying to stay in school, but im willing to do anything for him. i would give up anything for him. its going to be so hard. raising him on my own. my mom's not going to raise him. its my responsibility now and im going to have to do whatever it takes to keep him. i decided already that instead of taking summer school this summer, im getting a job and im gonna work full time during the summer. i'll have to find a baby sitter willing to be paid not a lot. summer of 2005 i'll be taking summer school so i can graduate. but if that doesnt work out, ill be working another summer, and staying in school for another year. i'll have to stop buying random things willy nilly just because i like them. im going to have to budget money so it doesnt get wasted and so ill have enough to pay for baby supplies. no more fast food whenever i like. ill have to start eating the food that WIC already gives me instead of donating it to charity funds just because i dont like what they give me. ill have to make do with the clothes that i have unless i absolutely need new clothes. and when i do need new clothes, ill just go to a thrift store and pretend like im shopping at wal-mart. its going to be hard and im not going to like it, but in the end it will be worth it. i know it will. it will be hard without christopher there and without his support and stuff, but i guess ill manage somehow. i'll let christopher see conor whenever he likes because i dont have a reason for him not to. i know that christopher is scared and at the moment, doesnt want conor and wants him up for adoption. but thats not going to happen. if he doesnt want to help out then okay, i can understand. but i hope that he will change his mind. i really do.
well, im gonna go watch some more t.v. no point in doing anything else really and i cant sleep because of everything thats going through my mind right now. well, goodnight everybody.