This is what I am up at 5 AM for.
It's hard to get over a first love. To wake up every morning and wonder where they've gone to before realizing the sad truth of the matter. They're gone and there really is no getting them back. I fell in love early in my life and barely knew that it was love until it was too late to do anything about it. I fell hard and I fell fast. He was too old for me and it seemed like he never knew I was alive, but he'd always make me laugh and everyone else thought he was the greatest man alive. He defined my life and I soon found out that he defined the early lives of most people I knew. I wouldn't accept that anyone else could love him as much as I did and I was sure he'd be there forever, entertaining and making the world look like a goofy crazy place.
Then, before I knew it, he'd fallen off the face of the planet. Every once and awhile it seemed I would catch a glimpse, but ti was like a shell of the man I'd fallen in love with. What had happened to that person that could come up with zany tricks to fool his foes and be ready to act in defense of those he loved in a moments notice. What drove him to the gutter? WHAT HAPPENED MAN WHAT HAPPENED?
I think it's only fair to elaborate a bit more for all of you. To do that, we've got to go back to what made him perfect, and look at his sudden decline. \
The first place you might know Steve, or as I like to call him The Goot, is from a little film called
A barrel of laughs if you ask me, and honestly no better way to start a career. Just look at all the famous names that came out of there. The girl from who was in the Devil's Rejects played a big breasted cop! I mean, come on, what is better than that? And Bobcat was in...uh one of them. I don't think this one. Sorry. It's okay though because you get Goot and his crazy group of friends. A fun thing about this movie is that Goot gets his first horrible movie name! Carey Mahoney. I mean if they were going to make it sound girly they should have kept the girly spelling. THAT way it's still funny and not just sad. If you know anyone named Carey, please shoot them now and put them out of some obvious misery.
So Goot doesn't want to go to the Police Academy but it's there or jail. And at least in the Police Academy he gets a big huge black florist and a human sound machine on his side. Kim Cattrall's in this too, in her only respectable role outside of MANNEQUIN, which will someday get a post all it's own I can assure you. No, I've never watched Sex and (or is it In I'M SORRY) the City because my life is far too fabulous to spend time watching other women say THEIR lives are fabulous. Especially Sarah Jessica Parker because you know what, she's pretty hideous after the Square Pegs days. So uh, Mahoney aka our friend Goot is in the Police Academy but trying to get out. His efforts don't go well and he of course has a nemesis in Lieutenant Harris, played by uh...some guy you'd know if you saw. He's in lots of things as an asshole. Speaking of assholes, it's this movie where Harris gets kicked into a horse's behind and we all share a secret laugh at the disgusting hilarity.
Basically this was a movie to start Goot's career in movie sequels which would later ruin his life. In fact, the very next movie he did after this one was Police Academy 2, where they have to shut down a gang headed by Bobcat! Who is in the next movie recruited as a new policeman....huh. Yeah, I've never really understood what academy would take on people they were trying to SEND to jail thinking it would be good for the department.
"Hey so uh, you know the serial killer we finally caught after 15 years of searching?"
"Yeah, yeah, big guy in Cell C."
"Right well listen, we've got this great idea. Let's tell him he can get out of the murder wraps if he joins the squad!"
"Oh, shit, that's the most brilliant idea I've heard all week! I mean after the last guy just up and shot his partner, we've needed a new delinquent to reform."
I hear Oscar calling my name.
Goot obviously saw the brilliance in these movies as he didn't do 1! or 2! or 3! but 4. After Sharon Stone and a hot air balloon chase, he obviously thought the time to go out with dignity was calling. Uh...yeah...I don't think he waited too long either.
After this Goot moved onto another movie franchise...which I often forget because really...I didn't care too much at the time and don't care now. Cocoon. You know. With the old people and Brian Dennehy. Who I guess wasn't such a spring chicken at this time either. Old people want to feel young and awesome so they go into this water and touch cocoons. Then they destroy one and the aliens leave and...well old people go with them. We're all shiny and happy okay. I WON'T GET OLD SO I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND. Although that one old guy I love is in it. Isn't Jessica Tandy too? And an Ameche? I have no idea.
Goot was in it and he wasn't old. That is all. What's important is always what came after. And after this was...
WOOOO! Possibly one of the best movies of all time and oh my god, did you know THAT FISHER STEVENS PLAYED BEN THE INDIAN GUY? I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING THAT I DID NOT KNOW THIS UNTIL YEARS LATER. YEARS. HE WASN'T A REAL INDIAN???? I HAD NO IDEA AND LET ME TELL YOU THAT I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO DISAPPOINTED IN MY LIFE.
So anyway, here comes Goot with another horrible name, Newton Crosby. Obviously named after the fig treat and the father of Melissa Etheridge's kids. This is basically a tale of a robot that comes to life that Goot sets out to help once he finds out he's hanging with Ally Sheedy who made the BReakfast Club like...a YEAR earlier but still seems totally different. Am I alone here? Or do we all think so? Yeah, that's what I thought. He can't help him though because that crazy Lieutenant Harris is back with a plan to shut this down! Nobody can let this defective robot out!! So you know, THEY BLOW HIM UP! And Sheedy and Goot cry. And talk about how horrible it all was because FUCK NUMBER FIVE WAS ALIVE!!!!!
But you know he's not really dead and he comes back to do another movie WITHOUT GUTTENBERG but with the NON INDIAN FISHER STEVENS WTF??? I AM STILL NOT OVER IT. HIS NAME WAS BEN JABITUYA. FISHER STEVENS. UGH.
Right...Goot. Also, can I say I don't ever really get the joke scene where Goot realises Johnny Five IS in fact alive. Something about him getting the joke but...yeah. I don't know.
He makes some more movies in the middle of all this only to lead up to probably...I guess...which is a more respectable film in his collection:
Actually I'm not sure how respectable this REALLY was, especially considering Sam from Cheers and Magnum PI were thought of as huge sex gods in this movie. All right, Magnum maybe, but only cause of the 'stache. A baby shows up on the door of the pad belonging to Goot, Danson and Magnum and we find out it's Danson's and he needs to take responsibility but he's not there...so Goot and the gay guy from In and Out take care of the kid until Danson gets back and you know...they all fall in love with the kid. BUT GET INVOLVED IN A DRUG PLOT OMG I JUST REMEMBERED THIS PART.
Danson has to deliver some package but it turns out it's drugs and all the guys are mixed up in it SO THE DEALERS TAKE BABY MARY but they get her back with Danson dressing up like a woman and everything is okay until Nancy Travis who is uh...British for some reason...comes in and decides to take the baby back. But they don't let her and instead she moves in with them to form a nice little family with I'm sure lots and lots of threesomes. Never involving Goot because you know what he has morals, and he is just above something so awful.
Blah blah blah another Cocoon follows and then omg omg. If you ACTUALLY remember this next movie I will have sex with you in any place you want.
So, Goot decides to star in Don't Tell Her It's Me WHICH IS THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. He plays a recovering cancer patient who is fat and bald and in love with Jami Gertz OF LOST BOYS FAME HOLLER. She's superficial and awful though so you know she puts him down and basically destroys his life. Instead of moving on though he decides he's going to transform himself with the help of Diane from Cheers (his sister in the movie) into MR. WONDERFUL. And oh my god ...does he ever?
I WISH I HAD A BETTER PICTURE but you get the point. His new name, his old was GUS, is now LOBO MARUNGA. He is like straight out of a romance novel. SWOON. Trust me, he's Fabio x3000. And guess what? He's a biker from NEW ZEALAND. How could she resist? That's right...SHE CAN'T. The fat bald cartoonist has classied himself up and woo boy. Too bad he tells everyone, DON'T TELL HER IT'S ME hahaha oh clever. Of course he has to steal her away from Kyle McLachlan who uh...plays a guy named Trout...don't get me started. Anyway she finds out and loves him but he is off to Kalamazoo or something...In Michigan? I don't know but they get together UNEXPECTEDLY because if Lobo had seen me i'm sure he would have changed his mind.
I don't care about anything else in his collection after this. He does do another Three Men and a Little Lady but that's pretty much based around Magnum, so UGH. Goot is just there for like I don't know. I don't like talking about it. Why can't he be Mary'sf ather? Yeah. Yeah WHAT.
However in another movie with a Cheers alum, as he obviously LOVES working with them, he takes on his most challenging role...stealing the spotlight from twin brats who grow up to be TWIN SLUTS. Hahahha yeah you know what I'm saying
The Olsen twins made no good movies until this moment and none after. How you can deny the pure brilliance is beyond me. You nkow what and it's NOT a Parent Trap rip off because they're not really sisters! Mary Kate is an orphan that wants Rebecca from Cheers to adopt her of course. Goot is Ashley's rich dad who is marrying some blonde who...I think is English...whatever. They conspire yadda yadda and Goot and Kirstie get together...I was as shocked as you are reading this right now. No joke man.
Goot's career was long and...well it was supposed to illustrious. He turned down the Tom Hanks role in Big and THANK GOD FOR THAT BECAUSE WHERE WOULD THAT HAVE TAKEN HIM? Just think folks. Goot in Philadelphia! Goot in Saving Private Ryan! ...Goot...in FORREST GUMP! Wow. I just got teary eyed thinking about the possibilities. Instead now he's working on...you guessed it...ANOTHER Police Academy movie. I can hear you all now, and no I do no think those are groans but more muffled yells of joy and excitement.
He was also in a Poseidon Adventure remake but I don't think about it because I'm sure nobody will want to once this other remake comes out and blows Goot's out of the water. the poor guy.
I really don't know how to end this. My only request is that you all comment with your favourite Guttenberg moment. Trust me, there's far too many for me to list my own and I wanted to make this as short a post as possible. I just wanted to say that I loved Steve Guttenberg and I didn't know how to express it without writing a post celebrating his best movies.
You'll always be in my heart Steve, I think about you daily and wonder where you've gone. What gutter you've climbed into and when you'll be able to pick yourself out of it. When I see the Da Vinci Code next year, you can bet your ass it'll be your face I see on the big screen. Your face Goot.
I Love you.
And I guess that was my long way of saying i'm back. Please don't ask how my break was, I spent it trying to figure out a baby switcharoo with Michelle. She still swears Ace is hers so we need to do some more DNA testing, ugh ugh ugh.
Then, before I knew it, he'd fallen off the face of the planet. Every once and awhile it seemed I would catch a glimpse, but ti was like a shell of the man I'd fallen in love with. What had happened to that person that could come up with zany tricks to fool his foes and be ready to act in defense of those he loved in a moments notice. What drove him to the gutter? WHAT HAPPENED MAN WHAT HAPPENED?
I think it's only fair to elaborate a bit more for all of you. To do that, we've got to go back to what made him perfect, and look at his sudden decline. \
The first place you might know Steve, or as I like to call him The Goot, is from a little film called
A barrel of laughs if you ask me, and honestly no better way to start a career. Just look at all the famous names that came out of there. The girl from who was in the Devil's Rejects played a big breasted cop! I mean, come on, what is better than that? And Bobcat was in...uh one of them. I don't think this one. Sorry. It's okay though because you get Goot and his crazy group of friends. A fun thing about this movie is that Goot gets his first horrible movie name! Carey Mahoney. I mean if they were going to make it sound girly they should have kept the girly spelling. THAT way it's still funny and not just sad. If you know anyone named Carey, please shoot them now and put them out of some obvious misery.
So Goot doesn't want to go to the Police Academy but it's there or jail. And at least in the Police Academy he gets a big huge black florist and a human sound machine on his side. Kim Cattrall's in this too, in her only respectable role outside of MANNEQUIN, which will someday get a post all it's own I can assure you. No, I've never watched Sex and (or is it In I'M SORRY) the City because my life is far too fabulous to spend time watching other women say THEIR lives are fabulous. Especially Sarah Jessica Parker because you know what, she's pretty hideous after the Square Pegs days. So uh, Mahoney aka our friend Goot is in the Police Academy but trying to get out. His efforts don't go well and he of course has a nemesis in Lieutenant Harris, played by uh...some guy you'd know if you saw. He's in lots of things as an asshole. Speaking of assholes, it's this movie where Harris gets kicked into a horse's behind and we all share a secret laugh at the disgusting hilarity.
Basically this was a movie to start Goot's career in movie sequels which would later ruin his life. In fact, the very next movie he did after this one was Police Academy 2, where they have to shut down a gang headed by Bobcat! Who is in the next movie recruited as a new policeman....huh. Yeah, I've never really understood what academy would take on people they were trying to SEND to jail thinking it would be good for the department.
"Hey so uh, you know the serial killer we finally caught after 15 years of searching?"
"Yeah, yeah, big guy in Cell C."
"Right well listen, we've got this great idea. Let's tell him he can get out of the murder wraps if he joins the squad!"
"Oh, shit, that's the most brilliant idea I've heard all week! I mean after the last guy just up and shot his partner, we've needed a new delinquent to reform."
I hear Oscar calling my name.
Goot obviously saw the brilliance in these movies as he didn't do 1! or 2! or 3! but 4. After Sharon Stone and a hot air balloon chase, he obviously thought the time to go out with dignity was calling. Uh...yeah...I don't think he waited too long either.
After this Goot moved onto another movie franchise...which I often forget because really...I didn't care too much at the time and don't care now. Cocoon. You know. With the old people and Brian Dennehy. Who I guess wasn't such a spring chicken at this time either. Old people want to feel young and awesome so they go into this water and touch cocoons. Then they destroy one and the aliens leave and...well old people go with them. We're all shiny and happy okay. I WON'T GET OLD SO I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND. Although that one old guy I love is in it. Isn't Jessica Tandy too? And an Ameche? I have no idea.
Goot was in it and he wasn't old. That is all. What's important is always what came after. And after this was...
WOOOO! Possibly one of the best movies of all time and oh my god, did you know THAT FISHER STEVENS PLAYED BEN THE INDIAN GUY? I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING THAT I DID NOT KNOW THIS UNTIL YEARS LATER. YEARS. HE WASN'T A REAL INDIAN???? I HAD NO IDEA AND LET ME TELL YOU THAT I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO DISAPPOINTED IN MY LIFE.
So anyway, here comes Goot with another horrible name, Newton Crosby. Obviously named after the fig treat and the father of Melissa Etheridge's kids. This is basically a tale of a robot that comes to life that Goot sets out to help once he finds out he's hanging with Ally Sheedy who made the BReakfast Club like...a YEAR earlier but still seems totally different. Am I alone here? Or do we all think so? Yeah, that's what I thought. He can't help him though because that crazy Lieutenant Harris is back with a plan to shut this down! Nobody can let this defective robot out!! So you know, THEY BLOW HIM UP! And Sheedy and Goot cry. And talk about how horrible it all was because FUCK NUMBER FIVE WAS ALIVE!!!!!
But you know he's not really dead and he comes back to do another movie WITHOUT GUTTENBERG but with the NON INDIAN FISHER STEVENS WTF??? I AM STILL NOT OVER IT. HIS NAME WAS BEN JABITUYA. FISHER STEVENS. UGH.
Right...Goot. Also, can I say I don't ever really get the joke scene where Goot realises Johnny Five IS in fact alive. Something about him getting the joke but...yeah. I don't know.
He makes some more movies in the middle of all this only to lead up to probably...I guess...which is a more respectable film in his collection:
Actually I'm not sure how respectable this REALLY was, especially considering Sam from Cheers and Magnum PI were thought of as huge sex gods in this movie. All right, Magnum maybe, but only cause of the 'stache. A baby shows up on the door of the pad belonging to Goot, Danson and Magnum and we find out it's Danson's and he needs to take responsibility but he's not there...so Goot and the gay guy from In and Out take care of the kid until Danson gets back and you know...they all fall in love with the kid. BUT GET INVOLVED IN A DRUG PLOT OMG I JUST REMEMBERED THIS PART.
Danson has to deliver some package but it turns out it's drugs and all the guys are mixed up in it SO THE DEALERS TAKE BABY MARY but they get her back with Danson dressing up like a woman and everything is okay until Nancy Travis who is uh...British for some reason...comes in and decides to take the baby back. But they don't let her and instead she moves in with them to form a nice little family with I'm sure lots and lots of threesomes. Never involving Goot because you know what he has morals, and he is just above something so awful.
Blah blah blah another Cocoon follows and then omg omg. If you ACTUALLY remember this next movie I will have sex with you in any place you want.
So, Goot decides to star in Don't Tell Her It's Me WHICH IS THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. He plays a recovering cancer patient who is fat and bald and in love with Jami Gertz OF LOST BOYS FAME HOLLER. She's superficial and awful though so you know she puts him down and basically destroys his life. Instead of moving on though he decides he's going to transform himself with the help of Diane from Cheers (his sister in the movie) into MR. WONDERFUL. And oh my god ...does he ever?
I WISH I HAD A BETTER PICTURE but you get the point. His new name, his old was GUS, is now LOBO MARUNGA. He is like straight out of a romance novel. SWOON. Trust me, he's Fabio x3000. And guess what? He's a biker from NEW ZEALAND. How could she resist? That's right...SHE CAN'T. The fat bald cartoonist has classied himself up and woo boy. Too bad he tells everyone, DON'T TELL HER IT'S ME hahaha oh clever. Of course he has to steal her away from Kyle McLachlan who uh...plays a guy named Trout...don't get me started. Anyway she finds out and loves him but he is off to Kalamazoo or something...In Michigan? I don't know but they get together UNEXPECTEDLY because if Lobo had seen me i'm sure he would have changed his mind.
I don't care about anything else in his collection after this. He does do another Three Men and a Little Lady but that's pretty much based around Magnum, so UGH. Goot is just there for like I don't know. I don't like talking about it. Why can't he be Mary'sf ather? Yeah. Yeah WHAT.
However in another movie with a Cheers alum, as he obviously LOVES working with them, he takes on his most challenging role...stealing the spotlight from twin brats who grow up to be TWIN SLUTS. Hahahha yeah you know what I'm saying
The Olsen twins made no good movies until this moment and none after. How you can deny the pure brilliance is beyond me. You nkow what and it's NOT a Parent Trap rip off because they're not really sisters! Mary Kate is an orphan that wants Rebecca from Cheers to adopt her of course. Goot is Ashley's rich dad who is marrying some blonde who...I think is English...whatever. They conspire yadda yadda and Goot and Kirstie get together...I was as shocked as you are reading this right now. No joke man.
Goot's career was long and...well it was supposed to illustrious. He turned down the Tom Hanks role in Big and THANK GOD FOR THAT BECAUSE WHERE WOULD THAT HAVE TAKEN HIM? Just think folks. Goot in Philadelphia! Goot in Saving Private Ryan! ...Goot...in FORREST GUMP! Wow. I just got teary eyed thinking about the possibilities. Instead now he's working on...you guessed it...ANOTHER Police Academy movie. I can hear you all now, and no I do no think those are groans but more muffled yells of joy and excitement.
He was also in a Poseidon Adventure remake but I don't think about it because I'm sure nobody will want to once this other remake comes out and blows Goot's out of the water. the poor guy.
I really don't know how to end this. My only request is that you all comment with your favourite Guttenberg moment. Trust me, there's far too many for me to list my own and I wanted to make this as short a post as possible. I just wanted to say that I loved Steve Guttenberg and I didn't know how to express it without writing a post celebrating his best movies.
You'll always be in my heart Steve, I think about you daily and wonder where you've gone. What gutter you've climbed into and when you'll be able to pick yourself out of it. When I see the Da Vinci Code next year, you can bet your ass it'll be your face I see on the big screen. Your face Goot.
I Love you.
And I guess that was my long way of saying i'm back. Please don't ask how my break was, I spent it trying to figure out a baby switcharoo with Michelle. She still swears Ace is hers so we need to do some more DNA testing, ugh ugh ugh.