(no subject)
Erin (21_31)'s entry has inspired me to write the following. Erin youre a stud muffin.
In a mere matter of 37 days I will be done with my first year of college. In 37 days I will be on a plane at about 5:00 pm, with luggage galore and a somewhat broken heart heading back to L.A. the place all this maddness started from and the place that I will always call home. Im not coming back here to the T-town. And I am slowly realizing that I wont see so many of these smiling faces everyday like I have for the past 9 months. When you dont have a family close, these people become your family. Family that once I leave here, I may never see again. Such amazing people. So many people I will really truly miss but such is life. Anyway, shortly after I return home, I will be looking for a place to live. Not in my house anymore. I am growing up. My hand used to fit inside my dads. When we were kids we used to climb all over him and just attack him when he got home. Mom used to buy us little bouncy balls from the supermarket and used to make us egg salad and vanilla malts every tuesday when we got home early from school and we would watch Eureka's Castle. My brother knows what I am talking about. Emily and Clayton used to be LITTLE. I used to be able to carry emily around the house and clean up her high chair. Clayton used to run around in pajamas all day playing ninja turtles. Now I am looking at Emily put on makeup and talk to boys *gasp* on the phone. Clayton plays video games more than anyone i know but still stays around in his pjs all day. I am getting so old. I am not my dad's little girl that he reads comics to every sunday. Or the little girl that my mom would make pretty bows to match all my dresses. I am not 5 years old anymore. I am not 5 years old anymore. When I turned 5 I remember my mom cried because she said I was growing up way to fast. I didnt get it. I just knew that I got an awesome little mermaid rain jacket. Now I get it and I am starting to cry. I am growing up so fucking fast. Where is my life? I am scared. I am so scared. I dont show it but I am so scared. I am such a baby.
Not much farther after that I will be turning 19 years old. Thats like my last year as a teenager. then I will be 20. TWENTY. Is that right? Am I doing this math wrong? High school feels like a second now. Not 4 years. Everything just feels like a breath. Where has my life gone? What have I done to show that I have been here for near 19 years? When I look back, so many things have happened to me in my life. SO many things, but looking back, they all blend into one. I cant distinguish my memories. So many memories I want to relive over and over and over again and others, I just want to leave and never think about again. But Once 20 rolls around Im scared. Ill soon be getting wedding invitations in the mail for my best friends... and then baby announcments. In less than 10 years one of my friends is bound to have a kid. And I will go to their birthday parties and really become crazy aunt chelsea. Its absolutley insane. What have I done with this time? Where? What? HOW? I need to start living.
Have I even been alive this whole time? Or am I someone's dream or memory? Will they wake up one day and I will cease to exist?
Have I even lived this life?
In a mere matter of 37 days I will be done with my first year of college. In 37 days I will be on a plane at about 5:00 pm, with luggage galore and a somewhat broken heart heading back to L.A. the place all this maddness started from and the place that I will always call home. Im not coming back here to the T-town. And I am slowly realizing that I wont see so many of these smiling faces everyday like I have for the past 9 months. When you dont have a family close, these people become your family. Family that once I leave here, I may never see again. Such amazing people. So many people I will really truly miss but such is life. Anyway, shortly after I return home, I will be looking for a place to live. Not in my house anymore. I am growing up. My hand used to fit inside my dads. When we were kids we used to climb all over him and just attack him when he got home. Mom used to buy us little bouncy balls from the supermarket and used to make us egg salad and vanilla malts every tuesday when we got home early from school and we would watch Eureka's Castle. My brother knows what I am talking about. Emily and Clayton used to be LITTLE. I used to be able to carry emily around the house and clean up her high chair. Clayton used to run around in pajamas all day playing ninja turtles. Now I am looking at Emily put on makeup and talk to boys *gasp* on the phone. Clayton plays video games more than anyone i know but still stays around in his pjs all day. I am getting so old. I am not my dad's little girl that he reads comics to every sunday. Or the little girl that my mom would make pretty bows to match all my dresses. I am not 5 years old anymore. I am not 5 years old anymore. When I turned 5 I remember my mom cried because she said I was growing up way to fast. I didnt get it. I just knew that I got an awesome little mermaid rain jacket. Now I get it and I am starting to cry. I am growing up so fucking fast. Where is my life? I am scared. I am so scared. I dont show it but I am so scared. I am such a baby.
Not much farther after that I will be turning 19 years old. Thats like my last year as a teenager. then I will be 20. TWENTY. Is that right? Am I doing this math wrong? High school feels like a second now. Not 4 years. Everything just feels like a breath. Where has my life gone? What have I done to show that I have been here for near 19 years? When I look back, so many things have happened to me in my life. SO many things, but looking back, they all blend into one. I cant distinguish my memories. So many memories I want to relive over and over and over again and others, I just want to leave and never think about again. But Once 20 rolls around Im scared. Ill soon be getting wedding invitations in the mail for my best friends... and then baby announcments. In less than 10 years one of my friends is bound to have a kid. And I will go to their birthday parties and really become crazy aunt chelsea. Its absolutley insane. What have I done with this time? Where? What? HOW? I need to start living.
Have I even been alive this whole time? Or am I someone's dream or memory? Will they wake up one day and I will cease to exist?
Have I even lived this life?