Fic: Like A Satellite Trapped In Orbit (Around You) (14/18)
Media: Fic
Title: Like A Satellite Trapped In Orbit (Around You) (14/18)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Overall angst
Word Count: ~4,400
Summary: Continuation to Gravity Thou Art A Heartless Bitch. Since Darren ended their relationship, Chris has been trying desperately to move on. But it’s not that easy. For either of them.
13th July 2013
‘So let’s have a toast’ Alex yells happily, balancing precariously on a coffee table to see over the heads of the crowd he has managed to squash into his lounge. ‘To Chris first off! And to Seb and if I may be so bold, myself!’
Chris rolls his eyes fondly. Typical Alex. Only he would toast himself.
‘Chris, Seb and Alex!’ the crowd roars and there is a momentary silence as drinks are downed.
‘Especially Chris though’ Seb says, hopping up next to Alex. ‘If Chris hadn’t have written my character so brilliantly, I would never have been nominated.’
Chris beams as he is pulled into a rough hug by several of the people surrounding him.
‘And I would also like to thank Gin, my wonderful girlfriend for...’ Seb starts.
‘Save it for the Emmy’s Seb’ Alex shouts and shoves him so he topples off the coffee table and luckily into the steadying arms of Jake who stops him from falling over. There’s a general roar of laughter when it’s obvious that the only thing that got hurt was his pride. Alex gets down from the table with a lot more dignity and the cast and crew take that as a sign that they are allowed to disperse.
‘Dude!’ Alex throws an arm around Chris’ shoulders. ‘You look happy!’
‘Wouldn’t you be?’ Chris says and it’s true that he can’t stop grinning right now.
‘It’s a good look for you, you should wear it more often.’
‘Alex...’
‘It’s an observation, I’m not hitting on you. The way I see it, you’ve had a hard year and you deserve this.’
‘Thanks Alex.’
‘No problem. Now...’ he rubs his hands together in a businesslike manner. ‘Who here haven’t I slept with?’
Alex pauses and then turns to look at Chris in surprise.
‘What? No witty aside?’
‘Nah... I was just thinking that I am actually going to miss you’ Chris says honestly.
‘God you’re no fun if you’re not having a go at me’ Alex grins. ‘And don’t worry. You can’t shift me that easily.’
‘Yeah you’re like a particularly persistent stain.’
‘You could have said glue’ Alex points out dryly.
‘I like my simile better.’
*
‘Hey Chris!’ Jake cries happily, seeing him approach.
‘Alright Jake?’
‘Ecstatic. Well done Chris, you really deserve this!’
‘Well I couldn’t have done it without you one way or another’ Chris says honestly. ‘I don’t think you have any idea about how much you kept me sane on that set.’
‘I have some idea’ Jake says looking at the people around them. Alex is turning on his oily charm to one of the interns who is too young to know any better, Seb and Gin are causing people to back away in alarm with some rather erratic and enthusiastic dance moves and Marie is digging out the karaoke machine. ‘I wouldn’t change them though, would you?’
‘Nah’ Chris says, following Jacob’s gaze to where two of his crew members seemed to have somehow handcuffed themselves together and lost the key. ‘They’re all insane and I love them for it.’
Jake’s reply is interrupted by Marie who is brandishing the mic in a threatening manner.
‘Sing Chris! Sing!’ she announces, holding the microphone towards him.
‘Oh I don’t know about that’ he says, holding up his hands defensively.
‘Oh no this is happening’ Alex insists, actually directing his attention away from the poor girl he has cornered. ‘Get this party started Colfer!’
Chris turns to look at Jake in hope of defence but even he is nodding encouragingly at him.
‘No! There is never a reason for karaoke’ he insists. ‘I’ve always maintained this.’
‘Geez Chris. Where’s your Glee spirit? Isn’t it all about expressing yourself through song?’ Alex manages to make it sound both encouraging and insulting at the same time. Mainly insulting.
‘I have no need to express myself thank you. I have nothing to express.’
This is such a blatant lie that even Seb, who is generally oblivious to everything, snorts disbelievingly.
‘Right’ Alex drawls. ‘How’s that lying to yourself thing working out for you?’
‘Come on Chris’ Jake says quietly. ‘If you don’t sing I’ll have to inflict my voice on you. No one wants that.’
‘Yeah no one does’ Alex agrees. ‘Don’t be that guy Chris.’
‘Oh my God. Fine if it will get you guys to shut up’ Chris huffs, reaching for the track list and scanning it quickly. ‘No Melissa Etheridge?’ he mutters to himself. ‘What is the world coming too?’
Then he thinks about what Alex said. Maybe there can be no harm in expressing himself a little. Alex is right; Glee was partly about exposing emotions that can’t be easily conveyed with words, through song. He picks his song and reaches for the microphone.
Ask me a question and I’ll fill you full of lies
I know now the truth is bigger than my disguise
The message that I sent was shot down long ago
All I wanted was a simple yes but baby you said no
You can’t see my point of view
You’re too caught up in protecting you
I put on a smile and wait just like I always do
You say we’re friends so I’ll just guard my heart
If I don’t you might tear me apart
Of course the song reminds him irresistibly of Darren but it’s not with the same sad pang that usually accompanies Darren memories. He just feels happy and a bit dizzy and as the applause and cheers die away and someone else reaches for the mic, Chris pulls his cell out of his pocket.
Chris Colfer
Your ultimate goal in life should be to get one of your songs on a karaoke machine. That’s when you will know you have truly made it
Darren Criss
Have you been drinking?
Chris Colfer
Maybe a little. But I’m just happy really :D
Darren Criss
I’m glad :) But if you’re not drunk yet, you should be! Get some tequila down you Colfer, that always makes you more fun
Chris is about to reply something along the lines that he is already fun thank you very much but he gets swept up into the massive (and somewhat inappropriate seeing as the song being sung is an Oasis song) conga line. But Chris doesn’t care and neither does anyone else. Because they’ve been nominated for a freaking Emmy and at the moment nothing else matters.
*
14th July 2013
‘Alex I hate your alarm so much!’ Chris grumbles, swatting at it ineffectually as the too bright and breezy weather girl predicts another day of blazing sunshine.
‘Shhhh’ several voices chorus and Chris opens his eyes carefully to see that he is one of four people that has been lucky enough to manage to crash on the bed and Alex isn’t one of them. Alex is on the floor next to him but whether he was pushed off in the night or never made it in the first place is hard to tell.
‘Shut it off Chris’ Alex moans.
Chris takes another swat at it, this time knocking it off the nightstand which at least does the job of making it shut up but also causes Alex to use a rather colorful insult.
Chris notices his phone is clenched in his hand and has the sudden panic of every morning after that he has done something he will deeply regret if he can just remember what it is. But apart from the texts to Darren, which he does remember sending, it seems like he was saved from any major embarrassments. As if in answer to the thought, his phone suddenly buzzes, lighting up with Darren’s name.
Darren Criss
Morning sunshine. How are you feeling?
Chris Colfer
Like I’ve been eaten and spit up by a bear
Darren Criss
Good night then?
Chris Colfer
The best... From what I can remember :P Did you go out at all?
Darren Criss
Nah had a quiet one. I fully appreciated you serenading me down the phone by the way
Chris Colfer
Shut up. I’ve already checked my call log and I know I didn’t call anyone
Darren Criss
Shame. I wanted to convince you that you had sung a rather stirring rendition of Bills, Bills, Bills.
Chris Colfer
You’re a bad person. And a dork.
Darren Criss
My mom thinks I’m cool!
Chris laughs at that, prompting a groan from Alex.
Chris Colfer
She’s the only one
‘Chris even your texting is too loud for me right now. Bring me pain killers or get out of my apartment’ Alex says, still spread eagled on the floor.
‘Charming’ Chris laughs, not taking the slightest bit of offence. ‘I’m leaving then. I need to see a man about a dog.’ He doesn’t actually have any plans today but he can sense that the fallout to this party is going to be particularly messy and he is keen to avoid it.
‘Alright see ya. Call me! In fact I’ll call you. We’re not done celebrating yet!’ Alex yells after him as he picks his way through the minefield of bodies that is Alex’s floor right now. As he reaches the door front door, Jake appears at his elbow.
‘We’re getting too old for this’ he says tiredly.
‘Haha maybe you are old man’ Chris teases.
‘Good point’ Jake acknowledges the five year age difference with a grin. ‘You alright then?’
‘Yeah’ Chris says and he is.
‘Fancy grabbing a coffee before you go and see that man about the dog?’
‘Sounds perfect.’
*
17th July 2013
Chris has spent the last few days in a perpetual haze alternating between drunk and hungover. So when Alex calls up and asks him if he wants to go out again and celebrate again he has to say no.
‘We haven’t even won anything yet!’
‘Yeah but you’re the one that’s always going on about how it’s an honour to be nominated’ Alex says, using the squeaky tone that he always adopts when mimicking Chris. Chris sighs and contemplates how cruel it is that you can’t inflict violence on people over the phone.
‘It is an honour but my liver is begging me for a reprieve. Since I met you it’s had to be working a lot harder than usual.’
‘That’s because I’m your awesome party friend.’
‘It’s because you drive me to alcohol’ Chris corrects smugly and he hears Alex huff out an annoyed breath.
‘Fine. But I expect you have nothing better to do’ he says, irritated.
Chris looks at Darren’s disc, still sitting where he first put it down on his desk, next to his laptop. ‘Yeah I thought I’d just finish unpacking, I’ve still got a little bit to do.’
‘Well fine, while you’re unpacking me and Seb are gonna go out and paint the town red.’
‘Have fun.’
The minute Chris actually gets Alex off the phone, which takes another twenty minutes of promising that he will definitely go out with him next weekend, he picks up Darren’s album and slides it into his disc drive.
Darren over nighted it, so it clearly means a lot to him to get Chris’ opinion and Chris feels bad that he’s been letting it sit there for nearly a week without even taking it out of the packaging. It’s not that he doesn’t want to listen to it because he really does, but... this is also something personal. Something entirely Darren that he has most likely poured his heart into because he never does anything halfway. Go big or go home as Darren always said. And Chris doesn’t know if he can handle all that Darren.
But he hits play and it’s with a shiver of anticipation that he immediately recognises the first track as Darren’s acoustic cover of Teenage Dream. He smiles broadly and works out the cover from the case, wondering vaguely what he’s written for his cover notes.
Darren's ‘this is not a thank you speech, honest’.
Chris laughs out loud; it’s already so entirely Darren.
Firstly to my parents. Your love and support have helped me get where I am today. My brother, who has always been a creative influence and inspiration. You three are the rock I build every success on.
As always, to my darling StarKids; the gang and fans alike. You believed in me when only a handful of people even knew my name. I just wish I could know all your names, but seeing as I barely remember the lyrics at times... (For future reference, Dare, they're written in this booklet.)
Chris smiles again, more soft and fond this time, both at Darren’s constant and unwavering affection for his fans and the mention of his constant habit of forgetting his own lyrics.
To my Glee family, who expanded my world with experiences beyond all my dreams, and my heart with love. You have all helped me in so many ways.
This album means the world to me for so many reasons. The songs on here are a mixture of old favorites, new favorites, and ones I hope will become favorites. I got to stretch my song-writing muscles and hopefully speak to those who, at the risk of sounding sentimental, are my world.
Chris frowns a little now. Is Darren talking about his fans still? He knows Darren loves his fans but referring to them as his world seems a little excessive even for Darren.
I wish that I could say all of this in person. I wish I could sit down with you and look you in the eye and tell you exactly what you mean to me. And maybe, one day, if we're lucky enough then I'll get that chance. Until then have this album of songs.
Which, let's face it, are probably a hell of a lot more articulate than I will ever be!
So to you, with all my heart and soul, my love and my thanks for always.
Dare
xx
Chris’ mouth has gone dry and he’s pretty sure he forgets to breathe for a moment. He knows it’s foolish to hope that this is any way directed at him. This could mean anything and that’s the problem with Darren. He’s always so ambiguous, unless he’s face to face in which case he finds it pretty hard to hide what he’s truly feeling, something that Chris always loved about him. Because Darren is just as open as Chris is sometimes closed.
Chris realises that he’s gripping the cover so hard that he’s crumpling it and he relaxes his grip, smoothing it out a little guiltily. He tries to focus on the music, that’s something he understands, but Teenage Dream is the song that always reminds him irresistibly of Darren and he is definitely in danger of getting a little emotional here.
But luckily the song comes to an end and the track changes. Chris doesn’t know this one and doesn’t recognise it as one of the many Darren spent hours swearing over when they were living together. He flips the case over to look at the title. Second Chances. It’s quiet, just Darren’s voice and his guitar and Chris knows without being told that this one is important to Darren.
If I could take back every word
If I could change this path we're on
Rewind it all to the very start
And stop it all from going wrong
If we could just begin again
From the very first hello
Walk these paths once more
And see where we can go
Darren’s voice is soft and so yearning that it makes Chris tear up before he even reaches the chorus. He feels like the song is speaking to him but he can’t know about that it’s about him. A song called Second Chances could just as easily be about Nathan or even Sally.
I never believed in second chances
Starting over again from new
Never thought that things could change that much
But what changed for me was you
I never believed in second chances
You can't just take back every tear
What was done was done for good
But can we start again from here?
Chris listens, transfixed until the chords fade away and slip instead into the recognisable Stutter. The fans will be happy about that Chris thinks vaguely, still hung up on Second Chances.
It’s one of those moments where a song seems to speak right to your soul. And it can’t be coincidence. Darren’s right, they can’t just wipe the slate completely clean. Chris remembers something he said a long time ago, before their whole... ‘relationship’ even started.
These things happen. I know you won’t intentionally hurt me and I would never intentionally hurt you but that doesn’t mean we won’t hurt each other. Just because we don’t mean to, it doesn’t stop it happening.
And that hurt doesn’t just disappear. Chris feels like he’s spent so long feeling broken hearted by the situation that he hadn’t really thought about how Darren felt. Maybe he hurt Darren when he walked out of the coffee shop last year just as much as when Darren hurt him by walking out of his apartment. But Darren has had so many chances since to make it right. Chris is always just a phone call away and if Darren cared so much why didn’t he get in touch at Christmas when Chris turned up at his goddamn apartment.
But every move and word and action since
Has led me here to your door
To tell you now eternal truth
I'm yours forever more
No matter what tomorrow may bring
No matter what you say tonight
I know that if we start from here
We can turn the darkness bright
*
It’s a little while before Chris is composed enough to actually send Darren his feedback. He listens to the whole album twice through and it’s really good. Two covers, of Teenage Dream and Animal, a few of his old songs including Stutter and Status Quo and the rest are all new with I’ll Make A Man Out Of You as a bonus track. It’s all amazing but Chris listens to Second Chances until he knows all the words.
He pulls up an empty email and flexes his fingers.
D
Well what can I say? You are just disgustingly talented and as much as I hate to say it I really loved listening to Another Lifetime. I think you’ve got the balance of new and old spot on and your fans will be ecstatic that you’ve finally done a studio recording of Stutter. Trust me on this one, you should see the comments on YouTube... not that I watch your videos on YouTube or anything. And the bonus track is a perfect shout out to your oldest fans. You should put Part of Your World on the next one! :D
So you know me when I get into fanboy mode I get a little bit wordy so I’ll limit my essays to my five favorite songs otherwise we’ll be here all day :)
Chris launches in and finds it easy to gush at great length about Darren’s music because it is good. He doesn’t mention Second Chances in his top five though, carefully avoiding it.
...I’m glad you’ve got something more up tempo in here, as much as I adore your ballads I also think you have a fantastic rocker in there somewhere just waiting to get out...
...the composition of this piece is absolutely perfect, in another instance that tempo change could have been clunky but it works perfectly here...
...absolutely beautiful. It sounds like you wrote it about the Starkids, or maybe even the Glee kids but anyway the message is so powerful, just gorgeous really. I think missing old friends is something a lot of people can relate to and the bridge, gah I have no words...
He then spends the next few minutes giving his a general round up of the others, mainly positive but hesitantly referring to one, The Only Way I Know, as a little mediocre. Compared to all the others, I’m not sure what it’s doing there. It’s a pretty melody but it just doesn’t feel as meaningful as your other songs. Sorry, I know it’s probably too late to do anything about it but if you’re thinking of releasing it as a single I would advise against it.
Chris has never been one to pander to people, even Darren and he feels Darren will value the honesty.
But I adored Another LA Night. It reminds me of Glee summers, I’m not sure why. But it’s beautiful anyway. And of course I’m ecstatic at the inclusion of Teenage Dream, the song that gave you your big break!
And then Chris pauses because he knows that he should mention Second Chances. He knows that this is the track that is important to Darren.
Second Chances is...
I love how much of you I can hear in this album, especially Second Chances
Please explain Second Chances to me. Does it mean what I think it means, what I hope it means?
I wish we could start again as well, I really do. I miss you.
Chris can’t do it. He can’t bear the thought that it isn’t really about him, doesn’t want that awkward moment where Darren puts him straight on it. He can’t gush about how much the song spoke to him and how much he agrees with it when he’s so uncertain. He just wants Darren to tell him something honestly for once, clearly, without ambiguity and subtle hints and that damn sincerity that accompanies everything he does. It’s easy to be sincere when you’re saying nothing he thinks bitterly. He may be harsh at times but at least he doesn’t mince his words or talk his way around a subject so much that it’s hard to remember what the original issue was in the first place. And it annoys him that Darren brings out this side in him, the uncertain side that Chris had hoped he had put to rest.
Second Chances is very pretty as well. I adore the key change.
That’s what he writes eventually and he feels like an asshole. Because that’s Darren’s song, But Chris can’t bring himself to write any more about it, not unless Darren explicitly says he wrote it for him.
So I think you’re definitely onto a good sell here, I’m positive that they’ll let you sign on for a second. (And it’s definitely Grammy material) :D
C xx
*
It’s quite a while before Darren gets back to him and Chris knowing that, had gone out to do a grocery shop while he waited so it was sitting there in his inbox when he gets back.
C
Wow. First I just have to say thank you for listening to it and for getting back to me so quickly. I know I always say it but I really do value your opinion and it means the world to me that you like it. I’ve been trying not to worry about it but well... this is me we’re talking about here. And don’t lie Chris! I know that you troll my videos on YouTube :P
I was... surprised about your favorite five actually. I thought... well I thought it would be different I guess haha. But you’re full of surprises aren’t you Colfer?
Darren spends a little time replying to each of Chris’ essays with enthusiasm and gentle teasing.
...well I always fancied myself as a rocker. I don’t mean to brag but it has been said that I resemble the late Elvis Presley...
...that tempo change was extremely hard to perfect. Me and Nathan spent hours going over that one, I think the final effort was worth a few lost nights though...
Chris can’t help but swallow a little uncomfortably at that, not wanting to envisage exactly what Darren was doing on his nights with Nathan.
...it’s about both really. I miss all my old friends now that I’m living in Chicago, some in particular. And I think you’re right when you say that it’s something everyone can relate too. I think everyone’s got someone in their life that has slipped through the cracks and they regret it...
Oddly I said the same thing about The Only Way I Know but Nathan made a good point that songs don’t always have to be deep and meaningful. Sometimes they can just be fun. That was how I was feeling when I wrote it and I hope that that’s what it portrays.
And of course I couldn’t leave out Teenage Dream, it’s my go to song in many ways, I’m just glad that Katy Perry allowed us to buy the rights to it and let me play around with it so much.
As for a second album, well I am still worrying about this one at the moment but who knows... maybe in a year or two. And I really doubt it’s Grammy worthy but thank you for stroking my ego :D
Dxx
Chris isn’t exactly surprised that Darren hadn’t mentioned Second Chances. He hardly gave him much to work with did he? What was Darren supposed to say? Yes it is pretty isn’t it and that key change is awesome. No. But Chris knows that when Darren says he is surprised by Chris’ top five he is really saying that he is surprised Second Chances wasn’t among them.
After all, even if there is no deep, hidden significant meaning behind it, it is still clearly one of the best tracks on there.
D
You’re welcome Darren, any time, you know that. And you should definitely stop worrying, you have nothing to worry about.
As for trolling your videos I only do that to put the fans straight on a few things otherwise they would be going around with the idea that you’re perfect or something and I can’t be letting them live with that lie.
I don’t really know what you expected my top five to be...
Liar.
...but I do like to keep you on your toes, keep you guessing :D. Life would be so boring otherwise. I can see that you worked hard on all of them and there really is so much of you in these songs it’s quite...
Overwhelming? Wonderful? Heartbreaking?
...awesome really.
And you know I don’t throw around needless compliments Dare, I truly believe you have a chance of a Grammy.
C xx
C
Well thanks so much again Chris. You really are the best.
D xx
*
Darren's POV
Title: Like A Satellite Trapped In Orbit (Around You) (14/18)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Overall angst
Word Count: ~4,400
Summary: Continuation to Gravity Thou Art A Heartless Bitch. Since Darren ended their relationship, Chris has been trying desperately to move on. But it’s not that easy. For either of them.
13th July 2013
‘So let’s have a toast’ Alex yells happily, balancing precariously on a coffee table to see over the heads of the crowd he has managed to squash into his lounge. ‘To Chris first off! And to Seb and if I may be so bold, myself!’
Chris rolls his eyes fondly. Typical Alex. Only he would toast himself.
‘Chris, Seb and Alex!’ the crowd roars and there is a momentary silence as drinks are downed.
‘Especially Chris though’ Seb says, hopping up next to Alex. ‘If Chris hadn’t have written my character so brilliantly, I would never have been nominated.’
Chris beams as he is pulled into a rough hug by several of the people surrounding him.
‘And I would also like to thank Gin, my wonderful girlfriend for...’ Seb starts.
‘Save it for the Emmy’s Seb’ Alex shouts and shoves him so he topples off the coffee table and luckily into the steadying arms of Jake who stops him from falling over. There’s a general roar of laughter when it’s obvious that the only thing that got hurt was his pride. Alex gets down from the table with a lot more dignity and the cast and crew take that as a sign that they are allowed to disperse.
‘Dude!’ Alex throws an arm around Chris’ shoulders. ‘You look happy!’
‘Wouldn’t you be?’ Chris says and it’s true that he can’t stop grinning right now.
‘It’s a good look for you, you should wear it more often.’
‘Alex...’
‘It’s an observation, I’m not hitting on you. The way I see it, you’ve had a hard year and you deserve this.’
‘Thanks Alex.’
‘No problem. Now...’ he rubs his hands together in a businesslike manner. ‘Who here haven’t I slept with?’
Alex pauses and then turns to look at Chris in surprise.
‘What? No witty aside?’
‘Nah... I was just thinking that I am actually going to miss you’ Chris says honestly.
‘God you’re no fun if you’re not having a go at me’ Alex grins. ‘And don’t worry. You can’t shift me that easily.’
‘Yeah you’re like a particularly persistent stain.’
‘You could have said glue’ Alex points out dryly.
‘I like my simile better.’
*
‘Hey Chris!’ Jake cries happily, seeing him approach.
‘Alright Jake?’
‘Ecstatic. Well done Chris, you really deserve this!’
‘Well I couldn’t have done it without you one way or another’ Chris says honestly. ‘I don’t think you have any idea about how much you kept me sane on that set.’
‘I have some idea’ Jake says looking at the people around them. Alex is turning on his oily charm to one of the interns who is too young to know any better, Seb and Gin are causing people to back away in alarm with some rather erratic and enthusiastic dance moves and Marie is digging out the karaoke machine. ‘I wouldn’t change them though, would you?’
‘Nah’ Chris says, following Jacob’s gaze to where two of his crew members seemed to have somehow handcuffed themselves together and lost the key. ‘They’re all insane and I love them for it.’
Jake’s reply is interrupted by Marie who is brandishing the mic in a threatening manner.
‘Sing Chris! Sing!’ she announces, holding the microphone towards him.
‘Oh I don’t know about that’ he says, holding up his hands defensively.
‘Oh no this is happening’ Alex insists, actually directing his attention away from the poor girl he has cornered. ‘Get this party started Colfer!’
Chris turns to look at Jake in hope of defence but even he is nodding encouragingly at him.
‘No! There is never a reason for karaoke’ he insists. ‘I’ve always maintained this.’
‘Geez Chris. Where’s your Glee spirit? Isn’t it all about expressing yourself through song?’ Alex manages to make it sound both encouraging and insulting at the same time. Mainly insulting.
‘I have no need to express myself thank you. I have nothing to express.’
This is such a blatant lie that even Seb, who is generally oblivious to everything, snorts disbelievingly.
‘Right’ Alex drawls. ‘How’s that lying to yourself thing working out for you?’
‘Come on Chris’ Jake says quietly. ‘If you don’t sing I’ll have to inflict my voice on you. No one wants that.’
‘Yeah no one does’ Alex agrees. ‘Don’t be that guy Chris.’
‘Oh my God. Fine if it will get you guys to shut up’ Chris huffs, reaching for the track list and scanning it quickly. ‘No Melissa Etheridge?’ he mutters to himself. ‘What is the world coming too?’
Then he thinks about what Alex said. Maybe there can be no harm in expressing himself a little. Alex is right; Glee was partly about exposing emotions that can’t be easily conveyed with words, through song. He picks his song and reaches for the microphone.
Ask me a question and I’ll fill you full of lies
I know now the truth is bigger than my disguise
The message that I sent was shot down long ago
All I wanted was a simple yes but baby you said no
You can’t see my point of view
You’re too caught up in protecting you
I put on a smile and wait just like I always do
You say we’re friends so I’ll just guard my heart
If I don’t you might tear me apart
Of course the song reminds him irresistibly of Darren but it’s not with the same sad pang that usually accompanies Darren memories. He just feels happy and a bit dizzy and as the applause and cheers die away and someone else reaches for the mic, Chris pulls his cell out of his pocket.
Chris Colfer
Your ultimate goal in life should be to get one of your songs on a karaoke machine. That’s when you will know you have truly made it
Darren Criss
Have you been drinking?
Chris Colfer
Maybe a little. But I’m just happy really :D
Darren Criss
I’m glad :) But if you’re not drunk yet, you should be! Get some tequila down you Colfer, that always makes you more fun
Chris is about to reply something along the lines that he is already fun thank you very much but he gets swept up into the massive (and somewhat inappropriate seeing as the song being sung is an Oasis song) conga line. But Chris doesn’t care and neither does anyone else. Because they’ve been nominated for a freaking Emmy and at the moment nothing else matters.
*
14th July 2013
‘Alex I hate your alarm so much!’ Chris grumbles, swatting at it ineffectually as the too bright and breezy weather girl predicts another day of blazing sunshine.
‘Shhhh’ several voices chorus and Chris opens his eyes carefully to see that he is one of four people that has been lucky enough to manage to crash on the bed and Alex isn’t one of them. Alex is on the floor next to him but whether he was pushed off in the night or never made it in the first place is hard to tell.
‘Shut it off Chris’ Alex moans.
Chris takes another swat at it, this time knocking it off the nightstand which at least does the job of making it shut up but also causes Alex to use a rather colorful insult.
Chris notices his phone is clenched in his hand and has the sudden panic of every morning after that he has done something he will deeply regret if he can just remember what it is. But apart from the texts to Darren, which he does remember sending, it seems like he was saved from any major embarrassments. As if in answer to the thought, his phone suddenly buzzes, lighting up with Darren’s name.
Darren Criss
Morning sunshine. How are you feeling?
Chris Colfer
Like I’ve been eaten and spit up by a bear
Darren Criss
Good night then?
Chris Colfer
The best... From what I can remember :P Did you go out at all?
Darren Criss
Nah had a quiet one. I fully appreciated you serenading me down the phone by the way
Chris Colfer
Shut up. I’ve already checked my call log and I know I didn’t call anyone
Darren Criss
Shame. I wanted to convince you that you had sung a rather stirring rendition of Bills, Bills, Bills.
Chris Colfer
You’re a bad person. And a dork.
Darren Criss
My mom thinks I’m cool!
Chris laughs at that, prompting a groan from Alex.
Chris Colfer
She’s the only one
‘Chris even your texting is too loud for me right now. Bring me pain killers or get out of my apartment’ Alex says, still spread eagled on the floor.
‘Charming’ Chris laughs, not taking the slightest bit of offence. ‘I’m leaving then. I need to see a man about a dog.’ He doesn’t actually have any plans today but he can sense that the fallout to this party is going to be particularly messy and he is keen to avoid it.
‘Alright see ya. Call me! In fact I’ll call you. We’re not done celebrating yet!’ Alex yells after him as he picks his way through the minefield of bodies that is Alex’s floor right now. As he reaches the door front door, Jake appears at his elbow.
‘We’re getting too old for this’ he says tiredly.
‘Haha maybe you are old man’ Chris teases.
‘Good point’ Jake acknowledges the five year age difference with a grin. ‘You alright then?’
‘Yeah’ Chris says and he is.
‘Fancy grabbing a coffee before you go and see that man about the dog?’
‘Sounds perfect.’
*
17th July 2013
Chris has spent the last few days in a perpetual haze alternating between drunk and hungover. So when Alex calls up and asks him if he wants to go out again and celebrate again he has to say no.
‘We haven’t even won anything yet!’
‘Yeah but you’re the one that’s always going on about how it’s an honour to be nominated’ Alex says, using the squeaky tone that he always adopts when mimicking Chris. Chris sighs and contemplates how cruel it is that you can’t inflict violence on people over the phone.
‘It is an honour but my liver is begging me for a reprieve. Since I met you it’s had to be working a lot harder than usual.’
‘That’s because I’m your awesome party friend.’
‘It’s because you drive me to alcohol’ Chris corrects smugly and he hears Alex huff out an annoyed breath.
‘Fine. But I expect you have nothing better to do’ he says, irritated.
Chris looks at Darren’s disc, still sitting where he first put it down on his desk, next to his laptop. ‘Yeah I thought I’d just finish unpacking, I’ve still got a little bit to do.’
‘Well fine, while you’re unpacking me and Seb are gonna go out and paint the town red.’
‘Have fun.’
The minute Chris actually gets Alex off the phone, which takes another twenty minutes of promising that he will definitely go out with him next weekend, he picks up Darren’s album and slides it into his disc drive.
Darren over nighted it, so it clearly means a lot to him to get Chris’ opinion and Chris feels bad that he’s been letting it sit there for nearly a week without even taking it out of the packaging. It’s not that he doesn’t want to listen to it because he really does, but... this is also something personal. Something entirely Darren that he has most likely poured his heart into because he never does anything halfway. Go big or go home as Darren always said. And Chris doesn’t know if he can handle all that Darren.
But he hits play and it’s with a shiver of anticipation that he immediately recognises the first track as Darren’s acoustic cover of Teenage Dream. He smiles broadly and works out the cover from the case, wondering vaguely what he’s written for his cover notes.
Darren's ‘this is not a thank you speech, honest’.
Chris laughs out loud; it’s already so entirely Darren.
Firstly to my parents. Your love and support have helped me get where I am today. My brother, who has always been a creative influence and inspiration. You three are the rock I build every success on.
As always, to my darling StarKids; the gang and fans alike. You believed in me when only a handful of people even knew my name. I just wish I could know all your names, but seeing as I barely remember the lyrics at times... (For future reference, Dare, they're written in this booklet.)
Chris smiles again, more soft and fond this time, both at Darren’s constant and unwavering affection for his fans and the mention of his constant habit of forgetting his own lyrics.
To my Glee family, who expanded my world with experiences beyond all my dreams, and my heart with love. You have all helped me in so many ways.
This album means the world to me for so many reasons. The songs on here are a mixture of old favorites, new favorites, and ones I hope will become favorites. I got to stretch my song-writing muscles and hopefully speak to those who, at the risk of sounding sentimental, are my world.
Chris frowns a little now. Is Darren talking about his fans still? He knows Darren loves his fans but referring to them as his world seems a little excessive even for Darren.
I wish that I could say all of this in person. I wish I could sit down with you and look you in the eye and tell you exactly what you mean to me. And maybe, one day, if we're lucky enough then I'll get that chance. Until then have this album of songs.
Which, let's face it, are probably a hell of a lot more articulate than I will ever be!
So to you, with all my heart and soul, my love and my thanks for always.
Dare
xx
Chris’ mouth has gone dry and he’s pretty sure he forgets to breathe for a moment. He knows it’s foolish to hope that this is any way directed at him. This could mean anything and that’s the problem with Darren. He’s always so ambiguous, unless he’s face to face in which case he finds it pretty hard to hide what he’s truly feeling, something that Chris always loved about him. Because Darren is just as open as Chris is sometimes closed.
Chris realises that he’s gripping the cover so hard that he’s crumpling it and he relaxes his grip, smoothing it out a little guiltily. He tries to focus on the music, that’s something he understands, but Teenage Dream is the song that always reminds him irresistibly of Darren and he is definitely in danger of getting a little emotional here.
But luckily the song comes to an end and the track changes. Chris doesn’t know this one and doesn’t recognise it as one of the many Darren spent hours swearing over when they were living together. He flips the case over to look at the title. Second Chances. It’s quiet, just Darren’s voice and his guitar and Chris knows without being told that this one is important to Darren.
If I could take back every word
If I could change this path we're on
Rewind it all to the very start
And stop it all from going wrong
If we could just begin again
From the very first hello
Walk these paths once more
And see where we can go
Darren’s voice is soft and so yearning that it makes Chris tear up before he even reaches the chorus. He feels like the song is speaking to him but he can’t know about that it’s about him. A song called Second Chances could just as easily be about Nathan or even Sally.
I never believed in second chances
Starting over again from new
Never thought that things could change that much
But what changed for me was you
I never believed in second chances
You can't just take back every tear
What was done was done for good
But can we start again from here?
Chris listens, transfixed until the chords fade away and slip instead into the recognisable Stutter. The fans will be happy about that Chris thinks vaguely, still hung up on Second Chances.
It’s one of those moments where a song seems to speak right to your soul. And it can’t be coincidence. Darren’s right, they can’t just wipe the slate completely clean. Chris remembers something he said a long time ago, before their whole... ‘relationship’ even started.
These things happen. I know you won’t intentionally hurt me and I would never intentionally hurt you but that doesn’t mean we won’t hurt each other. Just because we don’t mean to, it doesn’t stop it happening.
And that hurt doesn’t just disappear. Chris feels like he’s spent so long feeling broken hearted by the situation that he hadn’t really thought about how Darren felt. Maybe he hurt Darren when he walked out of the coffee shop last year just as much as when Darren hurt him by walking out of his apartment. But Darren has had so many chances since to make it right. Chris is always just a phone call away and if Darren cared so much why didn’t he get in touch at Christmas when Chris turned up at his goddamn apartment.
But every move and word and action since
Has led me here to your door
To tell you now eternal truth
I'm yours forever more
No matter what tomorrow may bring
No matter what you say tonight
I know that if we start from here
We can turn the darkness bright
*
It’s a little while before Chris is composed enough to actually send Darren his feedback. He listens to the whole album twice through and it’s really good. Two covers, of Teenage Dream and Animal, a few of his old songs including Stutter and Status Quo and the rest are all new with I’ll Make A Man Out Of You as a bonus track. It’s all amazing but Chris listens to Second Chances until he knows all the words.
He pulls up an empty email and flexes his fingers.
D
Well what can I say? You are just disgustingly talented and as much as I hate to say it I really loved listening to Another Lifetime. I think you’ve got the balance of new and old spot on and your fans will be ecstatic that you’ve finally done a studio recording of Stutter. Trust me on this one, you should see the comments on YouTube... not that I watch your videos on YouTube or anything. And the bonus track is a perfect shout out to your oldest fans. You should put Part of Your World on the next one! :D
So you know me when I get into fanboy mode I get a little bit wordy so I’ll limit my essays to my five favorite songs otherwise we’ll be here all day :)
Chris launches in and finds it easy to gush at great length about Darren’s music because it is good. He doesn’t mention Second Chances in his top five though, carefully avoiding it.
...I’m glad you’ve got something more up tempo in here, as much as I adore your ballads I also think you have a fantastic rocker in there somewhere just waiting to get out...
...the composition of this piece is absolutely perfect, in another instance that tempo change could have been clunky but it works perfectly here...
...absolutely beautiful. It sounds like you wrote it about the Starkids, or maybe even the Glee kids but anyway the message is so powerful, just gorgeous really. I think missing old friends is something a lot of people can relate to and the bridge, gah I have no words...
He then spends the next few minutes giving his a general round up of the others, mainly positive but hesitantly referring to one, The Only Way I Know, as a little mediocre. Compared to all the others, I’m not sure what it’s doing there. It’s a pretty melody but it just doesn’t feel as meaningful as your other songs. Sorry, I know it’s probably too late to do anything about it but if you’re thinking of releasing it as a single I would advise against it.
Chris has never been one to pander to people, even Darren and he feels Darren will value the honesty.
But I adored Another LA Night. It reminds me of Glee summers, I’m not sure why. But it’s beautiful anyway. And of course I’m ecstatic at the inclusion of Teenage Dream, the song that gave you your big break!
And then Chris pauses because he knows that he should mention Second Chances. He knows that this is the track that is important to Darren.
Second Chances is...
I love how much of you I can hear in this album, especially Second Chances
Please explain Second Chances to me. Does it mean what I think it means, what I hope it means?
I wish we could start again as well, I really do. I miss you.
Chris can’t do it. He can’t bear the thought that it isn’t really about him, doesn’t want that awkward moment where Darren puts him straight on it. He can’t gush about how much the song spoke to him and how much he agrees with it when he’s so uncertain. He just wants Darren to tell him something honestly for once, clearly, without ambiguity and subtle hints and that damn sincerity that accompanies everything he does. It’s easy to be sincere when you’re saying nothing he thinks bitterly. He may be harsh at times but at least he doesn’t mince his words or talk his way around a subject so much that it’s hard to remember what the original issue was in the first place. And it annoys him that Darren brings out this side in him, the uncertain side that Chris had hoped he had put to rest.
Second Chances is very pretty as well. I adore the key change.
That’s what he writes eventually and he feels like an asshole. Because that’s Darren’s song, But Chris can’t bring himself to write any more about it, not unless Darren explicitly says he wrote it for him.
So I think you’re definitely onto a good sell here, I’m positive that they’ll let you sign on for a second. (And it’s definitely Grammy material) :D
C xx
*
It’s quite a while before Darren gets back to him and Chris knowing that, had gone out to do a grocery shop while he waited so it was sitting there in his inbox when he gets back.
C
Wow. First I just have to say thank you for listening to it and for getting back to me so quickly. I know I always say it but I really do value your opinion and it means the world to me that you like it. I’ve been trying not to worry about it but well... this is me we’re talking about here. And don’t lie Chris! I know that you troll my videos on YouTube :P
I was... surprised about your favorite five actually. I thought... well I thought it would be different I guess haha. But you’re full of surprises aren’t you Colfer?
Darren spends a little time replying to each of Chris’ essays with enthusiasm and gentle teasing.
...well I always fancied myself as a rocker. I don’t mean to brag but it has been said that I resemble the late Elvis Presley...
...that tempo change was extremely hard to perfect. Me and Nathan spent hours going over that one, I think the final effort was worth a few lost nights though...
Chris can’t help but swallow a little uncomfortably at that, not wanting to envisage exactly what Darren was doing on his nights with Nathan.
...it’s about both really. I miss all my old friends now that I’m living in Chicago, some in particular. And I think you’re right when you say that it’s something everyone can relate too. I think everyone’s got someone in their life that has slipped through the cracks and they regret it...
Oddly I said the same thing about The Only Way I Know but Nathan made a good point that songs don’t always have to be deep and meaningful. Sometimes they can just be fun. That was how I was feeling when I wrote it and I hope that that’s what it portrays.
And of course I couldn’t leave out Teenage Dream, it’s my go to song in many ways, I’m just glad that Katy Perry allowed us to buy the rights to it and let me play around with it so much.
As for a second album, well I am still worrying about this one at the moment but who knows... maybe in a year or two. And I really doubt it’s Grammy worthy but thank you for stroking my ego :D
Dxx
Chris isn’t exactly surprised that Darren hadn’t mentioned Second Chances. He hardly gave him much to work with did he? What was Darren supposed to say? Yes it is pretty isn’t it and that key change is awesome. No. But Chris knows that when Darren says he is surprised by Chris’ top five he is really saying that he is surprised Second Chances wasn’t among them.
After all, even if there is no deep, hidden significant meaning behind it, it is still clearly one of the best tracks on there.
D
You’re welcome Darren, any time, you know that. And you should definitely stop worrying, you have nothing to worry about.
As for trolling your videos I only do that to put the fans straight on a few things otherwise they would be going around with the idea that you’re perfect or something and I can’t be letting them live with that lie.
I don’t really know what you expected my top five to be...
Liar.
...but I do like to keep you on your toes, keep you guessing :D. Life would be so boring otherwise. I can see that you worked hard on all of them and there really is so much of you in these songs it’s quite...
Overwhelming? Wonderful? Heartbreaking?
...awesome really.
And you know I don’t throw around needless compliments Dare, I truly believe you have a chance of a Grammy.
C xx
C
Well thanks so much again Chris. You really are the best.
D xx
*
Darren's POV