Fic: Gravity Thou Art A Heartless Bitch (2)
Part one
Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh twice as much ain't twice as good
And can't sustain like one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees
*
The no sex agreement lasts approximately two months. Within that time Darren and Chris fall back into their comfortable friendship. Darren almost lives at Chris’ apartment because his is so crappy and he is reluctant about selling it and finding a better place. They spend their evenings either out with the others or curled up, sleepily arguing over what movie to watch and ordering take out.
But then Darren gets drunk and that seems to be how this thing always starts. Worse than that Darren gets drunk and has a fight with his ex on the phone. He isn’t sure why he calls her except he misses her and when she gently points out that nothing has changed, that he still wouldn’t have any time for her, that he would still always put his career first and just because he misses her it doesn’t make it better, he gets angry and then so does she.
He’s not usually such an asshole but he’s lonely and he misses having someone close at night. So he goes to see Chris. And that’s the real mistake.
‘Alright I’m coming, I’m coming’ Chris calls irritably, confused as to who could be trying to bash his door in at two in the fucking morning. He opens it to find a miserable looking Darren on his doorstep.
‘Darren?’ he says in concern, ushering him inside. ‘What’s wrong?’
Darren doesn’t answer, just tugs Chris into his arms and kisses him surprisingly gently. For a moment Chris is swept up in Darren’s warmth and intoxicating scent and the affectionate press of his lips and he kisses him back, cupping his jaw tenderly with one hand. And then he remembers.
‘Darren no’ he says calmly, stepping well back out of Darren’s personal space. Darren sighs but makes no attempt to follow, just leans back against the wall and buries his head in his hands.
Chris is desperately worried; he’s never seen Darren like this before.
‘Come on’ he says gently and tugs Darren into the lounge and settles them both on the couch. After a slight hesitation he pulls Darren into his arms, allowing Darren to snuggle into him. They just sit there quietly for a long while, Darren clutching onto Chris like he’s keeping him anchored and nuzzling absently into his neck.
‘Dare what is it?’ Chris asks eventually.
‘It’s stupid’ Darren mutters into Chris’ shoulder. ‘I just got drunk and lonely you know?’
Chris feels a sudden and violent surge of anger. I just got drunk and lonely so I thought I’d come over for a quick fuck. But then Darren is talking again.
‘I miss someone just being around. I guess that’s why I’m over here so much. Because my apartment feels so quiet and empty. I called Mia as well. We had a fight and I... just needed some comforting I guess. I’m sorry.’
Chris’ anger dissipates as quickly as it came. It doesn’t make it OK. But Chris knows the feeling Darren is describing all too well and gets a rush of sympathy and affection for the boy sitting beside him.
‘It’s OK’ he says. ‘I’ve got wine and chocolate, we could watch a chick flick and throw stuff at the screen at yell about how life isn’t really like that?’
‘We’ve got work tomorrow. I don’t want to impose, I shouldn’t have come’ Darren says, looking suddenly guilty.
‘Don’t be silly. If you’re feeling down you know you can always come to me’ Chris insists.
‘Well then that sounds perfect’ Darren grins and Chris smiles back, pressing a quick kiss into his hair before going to get the alcohol and snacks, yelling for Darren to pick a movie over his shoulder.
Darren picks Bridget Jones because she even makes him look smooth which is no mean feat. Chris laughs when he comes back in and see’s what he picked and throws a packet of cookies Darren’s way.
They watch the movie in comfortable silence, Chris not noticing that Darren hardly touches the wine, having consumed quite a bit of booze before he even arrived at Chris’. As a result Chris ends up drinking almost the entire bottle to himself which, as he is an extreme lightweight is quite a bad idea.
‘He loves her just the way she is’ Chris sighs, clutching a pillow to his chest. He remembers his last disastrous relationship and can’t help but see the similarities between that and Hugh Grant’s character. He sighs again. ‘Will I ever find my Mr Darcy?’
‘Of course you will Chris.’ Darren turns to look at him earnestly, eyes warm. ‘You’re all kinds of awesome you know? Who else puts up with my nutty ass?’
‘Well it’s no hardship’ Chris grins and blushes lightly.
‘Oh really?’ Darren smiles and his face is very close and Chris’ head is swimming.
‘Mmm’ he says and glances at Darren’s lips before quickly looking back at the movie.
‘You’re cute when you blush’ Darren whispers, breath gusting over Chris’ cheek.
‘Darren’ Chris says in a warning tone, making the mistake of turning to look at him.
‘ You’re cute all the time’ Darren says, ignoring him completely and kissing his cheek. ‘And sweet.’ He kisses Chris’ other cheek. ‘And funny’ he kisses Chris’ nose. ‘And you’ll definitely find a guy that realises just how great you are.’
Chris is so close to blurting out I think I already have which is stupid because Darren isn’t his Mr Darcy. He’s just a horny, misguided idiot that can’t keep it in his pants when he’s had a few. Chris knows this. So why is he kissing Darren right now?
A small, sober part of his brain is prissily informing him that there is a distinct lack of learning from previous mistakes going on here. A much much larger part of his brain is shouting yay sex!
Darren kisses him sweetly, almost lovingly, just the light press of lips and tongue, his hands soft in Chris’ hair. Chris sighs happily into it, allowing Darren to gently push him down into the couch cushions and straddle his hips. They kiss like that for a long time, lazy and contented. Chris has the dangerous thought that it feels a lot like love.
‘I’ve missed this. Missed you’ Chris mutters suddenly and it’s stupid, he knows it is. He sees Darren nearly every day, they spent 80% of their waking time together. But he’s missed the feel of Darren’s warm body flush against his and the silky feel of his curls running through his fingers. Even though they’ve only done this twice and he’s sort of regretted it both times, that doesn’t seem important right now.
‘Why don’t you show me just how much you’ve missed me?’ Darren whispers suggestively.
‘Bedroom?’ Chris says and Darren nods, hopping off Chris and offering him his hand. They stumble into the bedroom together, kissing and shucking their clothes as they go until the collapse onto the bed together in a tangle of limbs and breathless laughter wearing only their boxers. Darren ends up on top of Chris again and he smiles down at him for a moment.
‘Hey’ he says softly, almost shyly.
‘Hey’ Chris smiles and surges up to catch Darren’s lips again. He feels like he could never get tired of kissing Darren. Which is why he maybe whimpers a little bit when Darren only kisses him back for a moment before pulling away again. Darren laughs.
‘I want to do something for you’ he says quietly and Chris cocks a curious eyebrow. Darren just smiles again and then traces a gentle hand over down over Chris’ collar bone, chest, abs and then to the waistband of Chris’ boxers. He glances questioning at Chris who nods and lifts his hips so that Darren can pull them off him.
He doesn’t touch Chris straight away; instead he allows his mouth to lazily follow the path his hand had taken moments before. He pauses at Chris’ nipples and then drags his tongue firmly across one. His own nipples are not that sensitive but and he’s only ever been with girls before Chris so doesn’t have much experience with this, doesn’t know if guys like the same things girls do. Judging by the way Chris gasps and squirms though, he’s doing something right. He spends a few long moments licking, sucking and lightly nipping, smiling every time Chris lets out a small noise of pleasure. Chris is a lot quieter during sex than he is, he knows that already, so it’s a surprise when Chris shoves at his shoulders and says,
‘Suck my cock Darren.’ It’s low and somehow filthy and it sends a jolt straight to Darren’s own cock.
‘Bossy’ he mutters but he continues kissing his way down Chris’ chest until his breath is ghosting over Chris’ cock. He hesitates. ‘I’ve never...’ he makes an airy gesture that he hopes conveys the fact that he’s never sucked cock in his life so please don’t expect too much OK? Thanks.
‘Oh...’ Chris looks at him a little uncertainly. ‘You don’t have to.’
‘I want to’ Darren says and is sort of surprised even to himself that it’s true. He seems to contemplate Chris’ cock for a moment before he leans forward and takes it in his mouth. Chris moans at the sudden and welcome wet heat and God it’s been ages since he’s had a blowjob. His hips stutter and he fights not to thrust into Darren’s mouth. Darren appears to realise this because he shifts his weight forward and uses one arm to effectively keep Chris pinned to the bed.
He really has no idea what he is doing here, only that teeth are definitely bad, he’s been on the end of quite a few blowjobs in his time and he remembers the bad ones with startling clarity.
He flicks his tongue up, finding the sensitive spot just under the head of Chris’ cock and licking it firmly. Chris makes a soft sound and his fingers find Darren’s hair, just resting there, not pushing in any way. Darren likes having his hair played with and hums his approval, surprised when the sound makes Chris gasp and jerk his hips upward.
‘Fuck Darren’ he says in breathless surprise. Darren repeats his movement, running his tongue up under Chris’ cock in a slow, dragging movement that has Chris’ hips jerking again, not able to get too far thanks too Darren’s firm grip and it’s kinda worrying Chris about how turned on its making him to feel held down like that.
Darren sinks his mouth over Chris’ cock once more, oddly enjoying Chris’ musky scent and feeling heat pool in his stomach every time Chris makes any small sound. He takes in as much as he can, bobbing his head down low and sucking hard. Chris cries out and tightens his grip in Darren’s hair, making Darren moan around Chris’ cock again.
Chris shudders and makes a noise that is truly obscene, that Darren wants to hear him repeat as often as possible. Chris can already feel the heat, the familiar pleasurable ache. Darren may never have done this before but he’s a fucking quick study.
‘Darren’ he warns breathlessly but Darren just takes him deeper, swallowing around him and hums his acknowledgment, getting the expected, shuddering reaction from Chris.
‘Just... fuck. I’m gonna come’ Chris gasps and he gently tugs at Darren’s hair, trying to get him to move away. Darren just pulls upwards slightly and gives a few more expert licks that have Chris crashing violently over the edge, panting and shuddering. Darren swallows around Chris’ cock, surprised when he doesn’t find the taste totally unpleasant. He remains there while Chris rides out his orgasm and then releases him gently, just watching Chris as he tries to catch his breath.
‘That was amazing’ Chris says breathlessly when he can actually talk again. Darren hovers uncertainly, wanting to kiss Chris but unsure whether Chris will want him to his with his tongue still covered in come. Apparently Chris does want to because he drags Darren down and kisses him fiercely.
They separate briefly and Chris flips them over so he is on top and Darren will never admit how much he likes Chris being in control and the feel of his solid weight on top of him. Chris reaches down and takes hold of Darren’s cock in his hand. It’s a light touch and he establishes a slow rhythm that has Darren groaning and thrusting his hips upwards, seeking more friction. Chris smirks, keeping Darren pushed down and pressing soft kisses to his lips, no more than sweet fleeting pecks.
Darren moans in frustration and need as Chris keeps him teetering deliciously on the brink. Chris probably could have stayed like that for a long time lazily kissing and stroking Darren, listening to the small gorgeous noises he’s making before they get swallowed up by Chris’ lips.
‘Please. Chris. Your hands’ Darren pants and Chris takes pity on him. He brings up two fingers to Darren’s mouth and Darren sucks on them eagerly. Chris reaches down and without further warning slides one of his spit slicked fingers into Daren’s body. Darren lets out a low sound of pure need and Chris kisses him properly, muffling the sound. He allows Darren to get used to the intrusion before he adds the second finger, finding that spot inside him that makes him gasp and tighten his grip on the sheets. He bucks his hips wildly, fucking himself on Chris’ fingers and Chris just stops and stares at him, this beautiful man writhing beneath him. But then Darren is begging again, never one to worry about being vocal about what he wants, what he needs. Chris smiles, he can’t help it, and finally gives Darren the pressure he needs to get off.
‘I’m gonna come’ Darren gasps in warning.
‘Look at me’ Chris says urgently. Darren’s eyes fly open just as he comes and their gazes lock as he shudders and pants.
‘Chris... God so good’ Darren mutters, collapsing down into the mattress. Chris takes one more long moment just to stare at him and then sighs, sliding sideways into empty space, turning away from Darren and immediately missing the contact.
He doesn’t even look up when Darren rolls away from him, guessing he’s going to leave again. He can’t help but think that it would be easier to have their pointless ‘this shouldn’t happen again’ discussion right now just to save time.
‘Bye then’ Chris mutters. ‘See you tomorrow or I guess...’ he glances at the clock, ‘in about four hours. Be safe.’
He’s met with silence and assumes Darren has just left already so he actually flinches in surprise when Darren’s weight dips the bed again and he looks up as Darren gently washes away the come drying on Chris’ stomach with a damp towel before throwing it on the floor curling up next to Chris.
‘Can I stay Chris? Please?’ he asks, nuzzling into his favourite spot between Chris’ neck and shoulder.
Chris should say no. He’s getting sick of this situation and his brain is right - there is a distinct lack of learning from mistakes. But he doesn’t. He pulls up the blankets so they are covering Darren as well and drops a quick kiss into his hair.
‘Of course you can stay.’
*
‘So this keeps happening’ Darren says in place of a greeting the next morning. Chris, who is still struggling towards consciousness, curses as his hangover hits- the swimming head, dry throat and churning stomach.
‘What does?’ Chris groans, too exhausted and sick to even be sure what day it is let alone decipher Darren’s total non-sequitur.
‘Us. Having sex?’ Darren clarifies, putting coffee and aspirin in front of him. Chris almost says ‘I love you’ at the sight of painkillers but feels now would not be an appropriate time to voice that particular thought aloud. He turns to look at Darren who is looking surprisingly chipper.
‘Why aren’t you hungover?’ he asks enviously, swallowing the pills down with a glug of coffee.
‘Honestly? I think I may still be a little drunk.’
‘Ouch’ Chris winces. ‘That’s gonna hurt later.’
‘Mmm’ Darren agrees. ‘But... the sex thing?’
‘What? Oh right. Um this shouldn’t happen again, you’re my best friend blah blah blah. Satisfied?’
‘Why not?’
‘Huh?’
‘Why can’t it happen again? Look I don’t know about you but I am sexually frustrated a lot of the time and well sex with you is... well it’s really good. So why don’t we just...you know? Help each other out every now and again. And now that we’ve talked about it we don’t have to have an awkward conversation every time it happens. Because it will happen.’
Chris’ brain is still fairly sluggish but if he’s got this right... ‘It sounds suspiciously like you are proposing we be Fuck Buddies’ he says slowly.
‘Well Fuck Buddies is such an ugly phrase. I prefer Sex Friends.’
‘What?’’ Chris is momentarily derailed. ‘That sounds much worse!’
‘How so?’
‘That sounds like something a girl would call her vibrator or something. Her little Sex Friend.’
‘Oh yeah you’re right!’ Darren’s eyes widen. ‘OK whatever, that’s not important. What do you think?
Chris stares at him. Darren sounds so matter-of-fact about the whole thing. Like it’s a perfectly reasonable solution to their almost celibacy while they film Glee. But it’s not, he knows this. He can’t help but think this will get messy but at the same time he wants every part of Darren that he can get without really knowing why. He just knows he’s never happier than when Darren is there. And he’s pretty sure Darren is right when he says that it will happen again. And the sex is good.
‘I... guess?’ Chris says finally. ‘But we need to establish some ground rules.’
He briefly wonders whether he’s ever going to stop trying to make big decisions while drunk or hungover and decides he probably won’t.
‘Well first and foremost I don’t think anyone but us needs to know about this’ Darren says quickly.
‘Agreed. Secondly, no acting like a couple. This is just about sex so the only times we are intimate should be during those times. What I mean by that is no kisses hello or anything like that. Nothing we wouldn’t do normally.’
Darren seems to take a moment to process this before nodding in agreement. ‘Yeah totally. Third just because we’re in this agreement now we still need to be aware of and respect each other’s wishes and boundaries.’
Chris nods seriously. ‘Fourth if either of us starts seeing someone this thing is off.’
‘Yeah I think that’s a given. Um...’ Darren pauses in thought. ‘No naming each other’s penis’?’
Chris’ eyebrows fly up. ‘Surely that’s just a rule of life not just a rule for us?’
‘Yeah but... I can’t think of another rule.’
‘Well that’s OK.’
‘Nah we can’t have four rules. Five yes, three maybe but not four. That’s stupid’ Darren insists.
‘You’re stupid’ Chris says fondly. ‘How about this? We have to be honest with each other and if either of us gets uncomfortable with the arrangement, we put a stop to it.’
‘Yeah’ Darren agrees happily. ‘I feel like we should write this up on a scroll. Thou shall not break the Five Commandments of Fuck Buddy...ness. Buddydom? The Five Commandments of the Fuck Buddy Covenant. Or something. And we should sign it in our blood.’
Chris smiles at that because this is the Darren he knows and loves - the goofy, sweet one who isn’t unbelievably hot and makes Chris’ stomach do weird things. Just Darren. Being a goober. He doesn’t voice any of this though, just allows a lengthy pause before saying,
‘Or we could just shake on it?’
‘Fine’ Darren says in a world-weary sort of way. He clasps Chris’ hand in his and shakes it firmly.
*
The defining moment when Chris realises he’s well in over his head is oddly not when he is having sex with Darren. Not in any of the perfect times his and Darren’s bodies moved together, all heat and need, not in any of the times that Darren gasped his name or told how beautiful he was, how hot, how perfect, and not during any of their kisses whether sweet and loving or filthy and full of want. He expected it to be during sex. But it wasn’t.
It was while they were dancing. It was about three months after they started this whole Fuck Buddies agreement. They had had a long day and to let off a bit of steam Darren had put on the first CD he could reach and asked Chris to dance. They had just let loose together, spinning, laughing and holding onto each other when they got too dizzy. Chris had been breathless, clutching onto Darren’s shoulders, grinning like a crazy person and Darren has just looked at him and smiled, his eyes unbearably warm and fond. And Chris wanted to kiss him then. Not because he wanted sex but because he just wanted to be close to Darren, wanted to share that moment of affection. But he didn’t. He couldn’t.
No being intimate together. It was the rule he had made. Because he knew it would be like this. Dancing was probably already pretty close to breaking that rule but ‘kissing without intent to fuck’ (as he called it in his head) definitely went over the invisible lines he had drawn for himself.
And in that moment there also came a dozen uncomfortable revelations. He realises he knows that Darren has a scar on his hip from an epic skateboarding stunt gone wrong. He knows that Darren doesn’t really like cereal unless he can have it with strawberry milk and that Chris now has a carton of it in his fridge sitting next to a fuck load of Minute Maid apple juice which he doesn’t even like. He realises that sometimes when Darren is tired or distracted he will call Chris Baby and Honey and other random endearments without even seeming to notice he’s doing it. He realises that he has a toothbrush and a towel in his bathroom that aren’t his, that sometimes he will pull on a hoody or a shirt only to find it’s Darren’s, sometimes not even noticing until he’s worn it a full day. He realises that even when they haven’t had sex Darren will curl into his side and nuzzle into that spot on Chris’ neck. He knows that that particular spot is Darren’s favourite for unfathomable reasons and that Darren likes having his hair stroked while they drift off and that he likes to sleep on the left.
He realises all these things and with it comes the indisputable knowledge that they are in a relationship. Chris knows that Darren doesn’t see it that way. To Darren they are just really close friends that have sex a lot and now not even just when they’re drunk. For Darren it’s just a bit of fun, something to take the edge off of a long day or fulfil that basic need for intimacy that he can’t seem to achieve in any of the ways normal people can. I.e. without having sex. And for Chris that is the most disturbing revelation of all.
It’s sudden and overwhelming, all this crashing over him in the middle of his apartment while Darren’s eyes turn from fond to concerned as he sees the sudden change in Chris’ face.
‘Chris are you OK baby?’ he asks urgently. And there it is. Chris’ undoing. He’s either going to have to kiss Darren or run and it takes everything he has to turn away from that sweet face. He can’t breathe, the sudden oppressive weight of knowing settling on his chest like a vice and this is why people say ignorance is bliss.
‘I just have too...’ Chris says but doesn’t know how to finish. Leave his brain supplies and for once Chris listens to it, grabbing his keys and cell in blind panic.
‘I just remembered I promised Ashley I’d go over’ he lies. It’s pretty convincing actually but he knows Darren will see through it in a second. ‘I’ll be back. Maybe. Stay if you want. Bye.’ And if Darren had been taken in even for a moment by the Ashley lie then Chris very quickly undid it with his babbling.
‘Chris?’ Darren asks again, all soft anxiety, his fingers threading easily through Chris’ in a gesture he’s done a thousand times before. And Chris wants to hit him but Darren isn’t a bad person, he’s just horrendously oblivious to everything.
‘Goodbye Darren’ Chris snaps more firmly, pulling his hand away. He tries to ignore the look of hurt and confusion on Darren’s face as he flees the apartment. But it’s hard.
*
He does end up actually going to Ashley’s and dithers for a long time outside her apartment. This is something he has to talk about, something he can’t ignore anymore. He just needs to hash it out with someone, get another opinion and Ashley may be a gossip but he trusts her more than he trusts himself. Gathering up his remaining courage he raps on the door. She opens it almost immediately.
‘Hello honey’ she smiles warmly. ‘I haven’t seen you in a while. What’s happening?
‘I think I’m falling in love with someone who has sex with me for fun’ he blurts without preamble and Ashley’s eyes widen.
‘I think you had better come in.’
*
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