FFX Fan Fic Update
You would not believe the trouble I had trying to get these three chapters posted! The cut feature wouldn't work and then half the post came out in italics. I tried three or four times, so hopefully the fifth time will work!
Title: A Random Adventure [Ch 8,9,10]
Canon: FFX:OGC
Characters/Pairings: Tidus, Cast
Genre: Humor
Rating: T
Summary: Where Kimahri keeps his Items comes into question and Tidus barters for a sword from three old men, who may not be as crazy as he thinks. Of course Tidus adds to his list of grievences cause by Auron.
A/N: Post game, assuming Auron wasn't Sent and Tidus didn't disappear. Possible Spoilers.
A Random Adventure [Ch 1,2]
A Random Adventure [Ch 3,4]
A Random Adventure [Ch 5,6,7]
CHAPTER 8
Luca - It is mid afternoon. Yuna and her Guardians are just coming down the stairs from the city limits.
“So,” Tidus said as he danced down the stairs. Still sulking, Auron wished he would do them all a favor and break his neck.
“When do we eat? I’m starving!” Tidus continued, oblivious to Auron’s dark thoughts. “I could do with a victory lunch.” he added with a wink at Rikku, who laughed and skipped along beside him.
Auron scowled, but nodded to Yuna and Kimahri, who had looked to him for a decision. It would not be so bad, he decided. Maybe Tidus would choke on his stupid ‘victory’ lunch.
“This place brings back memories.” Kimahri said in a satisfied rumble. His lips peeled back in a fearsome grin as he recalled the feel of his fist smashing into his clansmen’s hairy face.
“That was some fight.” Tidus agreed as he speared a piece of meat and took a bite, chewing with is mouth open. He wiped his hands on his pants stabbed a second piece. “This chocobo is great!” he added.
“Must you eat with your sword?” Lulu inquired archly, her lip curling in irritation, “People are staring."
"I like my sword.” Tidus replied. His voice took on a childish whine as he looked at Rikku and added, “Besides, Rikku is using her weapon.” Rikku whipped her arm under the table with a sheepish grin and contrived to look as cute as possible. (All cute, perky girls possess this ability, to greater or lesser degrees. It ’s handy for avoiding instances of anger, wrath, rage, and numerous other dangerous emotions they may find themselves on the receiving end of.)
“Well, you know, us kids learn by example.” she said, “Anyway, Kimahri is eating with his hands.” Kimahri frowned as Yuna covered a smile with one hand.
“Kimahri is Ronso. Ronso use claws and fangs for everything. Keeps them sharp.” he rumbled, tearing his meat into more manageable pieces.
Lulu looked away in disgust and concentrated on her own plate.
"That’s a Ronso for you.” Wakka laughed as he stuffed a chunk of potato into his mouth and chewed.
“At least some of us have manners.” she commented, glancing at Auron and Yuna.
“Hey, I have manners, Lu!” Wakka retorted defensively around a mouthful of chocobo. Lulu made a derisive sound and looked at Tidus, who was still eating with his sword.
“Yes, and they rival those of a two-year old.”
After lunch, the party moved on, heading towards the docks to catch a boat to Kilika. Oh no, he's talking again!’ Auron thought with a mental groan as the Sin Spawn (Sin equals Jecht, and Tidus equals Jecht ’s Spawn, thus Spawn of Jecht equals Spawn of Sin.) began asking Kimahri where he kept his Items. The blue Ronso gave Auron a long suffering look and shook his head mutely at Tidus. They turned left, heading to the number 2 dock, looking for the familiar sails of the S.S. Winno.
“Come on, Kimahri, I want to know!” he begged, poking at him in an attempt to annoy him into speaking.“I get where everyone else keeps them. Rikku and Wakka keep them in pouches, Auron keeps them in his coat, and Yuna and Lulu keep them…well, you know. (insert immature giggle) But where do you keep them?”
Kimahri growled, “Kimahri keep them where they are safe.” Tidus rolled his eyes and said,
“Gimme a break! Every time I see you reach for something in a battle, you reach behind yourself and it appears. It’s like you just pull it out of your butt, or something.” With the speed of a striking viper, the Ronso hauled Tidus up by his shirt front, bringing him eye to fangs. Tidus decided that he really did not want to know that badly.
"Little one really wants to know? Kimahri will teach.” he threatened.
“Oh, look! I think the boat is ready to leave!” he squeaked.
Yuna laid her hand on Kimahri's arm. “Are you coming Kimahri?” she asked, winking at Tidus. “I’m ready to board, and I need you beside me, incase I trip, or that creepy little man over there comes too close.” Scowling at the poor man mending a sail, the Ronso dropped Tidus and boarded first, keeping Yuna.
"Nicely done.” Lulu murmured as she fell into step behind Yuna, the others following close behind
CHAPTER 9
S.S. Winno - It is evening, Wakka and Tidus have discovered a trio of crazy old men in the Guest Quarters. They have something that Tidus really wants.
“Look, Yuna, isn’t it great?” Tidus asked, pointing at the sword a wizened old man was holding. The broad blade was as black as night, its shiny surface adorned with small, comet-like swirls. The cross guards were silver, and its hilt was wrapped in black leather, with a silver knob on the end that was inscribed with a water dragon.
“It is a beautiful sword, and well-made, too.” Yuna agreed. Wakka snorted and turned to the Summoner,
“Beautiful? It’s cool , ya?”
“You got that right!” Tidus replied, “I wonder if he’ll sell it to me. Come on.” He pulled Yuna along as he trotted over to the old man and his two companions, who sat on the floor conversing. The old man griped the sword tighter. Yuna stepped in, seeing that Tidus had the tact of a falling brick.
"That’s a nice sword you got there,” Tidus began, joining them on the floor. The old men regarded him suspiciously; the young people these days were tricky, and unscrupulous. They wouldn’t hesitate to knock you down, steal your money, your shoes, and your dog, then turn around and try to sell them back to you at jacked up prices.
“Excuse me good sirs,” she said politely, doing a quick blessing. “But my friend would like to inquire as to whether that sword is for sale.”
Tidus and Wakka held their breaths as the old men put their heads together and mumbled amongst themselves. One looked at them and worked his toothless gums for a long moment. Tidus did not like the look of the old prunes. Old people were crafty creatures. They mumbled about you behind your back, they all had the Evil Squint, they made strange noises, you had to yell for them to hear you, and they smelled funny. These ones looked crazy on top of all that.
“We have decided,” and old man dressed in red croaked. “That yes, the sword is for sale,”
"Yes!” Tidus and Wakka hissed in unison.
"But,”
"But?” Tidus inquired.
"Butt?"
”No, But."
”Who has no butt?”
"No,” Wakka said patiently as the old man’s mind wandered down the hall and out the door. “About the sword, how much gil do you want for it?”
“Uh, Wakka,” Tidus hissed his voice tight with alarm, “We’re short on gil."
”How short?”
"A lot short. All we have is 75, and that sword is worth at least 2279!"
”Gil!” The old man cried in amusement. “Dear boy, we don’t want gil!”
"We don’t?” The old man holding the sword asked.
“No, we don’t.” the red clothed one snapped.
"I say, could you repeat that?”
"I said, No!”
"What?”
“NO!”
"Oh. Did you hear that, young man? We don’t want your gil!"
”Your pardon, sirs,” Yuna once again stepped in with a reassuring glance at Wakka and Tidus, who both wore long faces. “Are you wanting to trade something for the sword?”
“Yes.” the old man in red replied. He seemed to be the spokesperson for the group.
“Yes young Lady, a trade it is."
”I’ve got this really neat sword we could trade with.” Tidus offered, brining out Caladblog. Wakka’s eyes widened in alarm and he made a strangled sound.
“What?” Tidus replied defensivly.
“That’s your Legendary Weapon! What’s wrong with you?” Wakka gasped.
"Relax. It has No AP. I never found the Sun Sigil.” Tidus whispered.
“No. We don’t want a sword for a sword. We want something…bigger.”
Wakka rubbed his hands through his hair, patience wearing thinner than Shiva ’s cloak. “What do you want?”The three old men huddled together in deep, heated discussion. Tidus and Wakka stood impatiently through the wheezing, hacking, and other less flattering old man noises.
“We have decided.” Croaked the old man in red as he and his companions shuffled forward, stiffly jerking their knobby limbs along.The old man holding the sword gave him one of those silly gummy grins.
Tidus got the feeling that the old guy was a few players short of a blitz ball team. The old man cackled a little as he sidled up to Wakka and Tidus, fixing them with one filmy eye. The old man, after glancing at his companions who waved him on, hacked and straightened his hunched spine.
"What are we going to trade for?” Tidus piped up eagerly.
“We will trade you this sword for the moon.”
“The moon!” Tidus cried, shocked.
"What? Did I stutter young man?” The elder wheezed at Tidus, who stood gape-mouthed.
The old men glanced at each other, and Tidus became aware that all reason had given up limping gamely alongside insanity long ago. The ringleader replied, "We want the moon.”
"Why?” Tidus asked in shock.
“Because a goddess lives on it, and we wants to…get to know her real good.” he winked at Tidus and Wakka. They suddenly felt sick.
“I’m sorry, sirs,” Yuna said politely, “But that is impossible. There is no way to give you the moon. Not even a Summoner can command the moon.” Yuna continued respectfully arguing with the shuffling, mumbling trio, while Tidus started thinking. Random ideas streaked through Tidus' head, most falling into obscurity as they were discarded.
"Wakka, I want that sword!” he said in a crazed whisper, clutching Wakka’s shirtfront. “There has to be a way to get it.”
"These old men are tricky, and crazy, ya? How we gonna get the sword? Last time I checked, we didn’t have a moon in our inventory, brudda.”
"We just have to outsmart them.” Tidus said, “Now shut up and let me think!” He stood in silence, neural pathways firing like a psycho with a machine gun. Finally, one made it through the spaghetti ball of his mind and sat atop the pile of discarded ideas like a big mental meatball, still steaming with the heat of creation.
“Hey, old geezers!”
Forgetting about Yuna, and the argument, the crusty trio turned to squint at Tidus. The boy looked the old men in the eyes and grinned triumphantly. Auron, along with the remaining Guardians, decided to walk in right then, wondering where the trouble-makers had gotten too. They found out, and wished they had not.
“Here’s your moon!” Tidus yelled, spinning around and yanking his pants down.
The two motions were so perfectly executed that they appeared to be one move, and gave the old men and Tidus’ own companions no time for thought. When the mental mushroom cloud cleared, their minds were a wasteland more desolate than the depths of the Farplane. The mental silence was so still that the first dazed thought to evolve from the mass extinction roared from Auron’s head and echoed through the heads of the two groups. After a long pause their brains re-organized their hemispheres and the traffic jam in their ocular nerves finally made it to the occipital lobe. Yuna uttered a belated gasp of horror.
The old men ended their discussion and turned to Tidus. The ringleader stroked his grizzled chin and cleared his phlemy throat. "What’da ya think about that!” Tidus sneered, unaware of the mental destruction he had caused. The old men squinted at Tidus backside then turned to each other and began murmuring and gesturing at each other.
Tidus took the time to pull up his pants and give Wakka a confident grin. Wakka glanced wide-eyed from Lulu to Tidus, unsure of how to react. Rikku giggled nervously until she caught and eyeful of Auron’s murderous frown. Kimahri remained unmoved, or shocked senseless (It was hard to tell with him).
“You have yourself a trade young man.” The wrinkled old man with the sword said with a grin, holding out a trembling hand.
Tidus grasped the hand, which felt like a sock full of dice, and gave it a hearty shake, causing the old man to shake like an old skeleton.
“Here you go, young man.” The ringleader creaked as he handed over the sword.
“My Precious!” Tidus said as he took it reverently then held it up for everyone to see.
Wakka grabbed Rikku by the hands and swung her in a circle while he laughed triumphantly.
“What is it called?” Tidus asked as his companions crowded around to look at the obsidian blade.
“It is called ‘Moon Cleaver’.“
"Moon Cleaver!?”
“Yep. We were gonna call it ‘Crack Splitter’".
Tidus thanked the men and made his escape. Once Yuna and the remaining Guardians were gone, the old man who had said barely a word during the whole affair, pulled out a sphere from the recesses of his cloak.
“Did you get that?” the red clad elder asked.
The other man replied with a toothless gape-grin, and held up the sphere.
“I also gots the one that man gave me. You know, the one from the Blessing? He even paid me 2,000gil to make copies of it. That’s one backside the lasses in Luca will pay out the nose to have a sphere of.” he cackled, “We’ll be raking in the gil in no time.”
This goes to show that crazy old men are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. And not as innocent as they seem.
CHAPTER 10
Kilika -. The S.S. Liki is scheduled to arrive in two days, so Yuna and Company have no choice but to spend the night at the local inn.
At dinner, Tidus was mercilessly teased about his new sword. Wakka was the instigator, with Auron adding fuel with his seemingly innocent comments. Tidus grumbled, but kept his eyes on his plate. Maybe if he ignored them, they’d shut up.
"Tidus,” Lulu, silent during the whole meal, suddenly spoke up. “You aren’t going to eat with your new sword?”
This brought on a bout of laughter from everyone, even Kimahri. Luckily, Wakka came to his rescue. "That was pure genius, brudda; the way you tricked those old coots! ‘Here’s your Moon!’" Tidus grinned at the memory. He climbed up on his chair and turned around.
He pulled his pants down, in the middle of the dining hall, and asked, “Which do you prefer: Full moon, or Half?” Wakka roared and pounded on the table, then stood on his own chair.
"Look! Full moon, half-moon!” the two of them began mooning the table with varying degrees of ‘fullness’.
The two moons set in record time when Auron picked up a table dagger and threatened to ‘Cleave both Moons’. Kimahri had to be magically restrained to prevent him from trying to salvage Yuna’s social image, mainly by tearing Wakka and Tidus to pieces. You are judged by the company you keep, after all. Later, after being banished to his guest room, ( ’Go to your room, young man!’ had been Auron’s exact words)Tidus mentally went over his list of grievances.
Auron was such a stiff. You were not supposed to talk, which was nearly impossible with a group of teens, and women. No one was supposed to do anything spontaneous, Yevon May I, Road Bingo, Tower Count, Yevon Says, and word games were forbidden, along with fun in general. Giraffe was the only game allowed, which was down right boring. The only other game was Auron's favorite: Make fun of Tidus. Although for Auron, it was not just a game, it was a way of life.
Send me to my room, will you? I’ll show you! A soft scrape in the hallway woke Tidus from his unintentional doze. He sat up, putting on a stubborn scowl, and looked up just in time to see Auron fade through his room door.
A shrill, feminine scream split the air, bringing Kimahri charging down the hall. Wakka, also having heard the scream, stepped hastily back through his doorway barely in time to avoid the thundering streak of claws and fangs that flew by. Kimahri snarled as he realized that the scream had come, not from Yuna’s room, but from Tidus’. What was Yuna doing in the boy’s room? All sorts of dishonorable possibilities came to mind. Rounding the corner at full speed, Kimahri dug all four sets of claws into the wood floor and skittered to a halt facing Tidus’ door.
By now, Lulu and Wakka were right behind the hulking Ronso as he threw the door open and charged in. His roar of challenge fizzled down to a grunt of pain. His dramatic entrance elicited another shrill scream, this one high enough in pitch to hurt his sensitive ears. The Ronso was confused. Yuna was not here, only Auron and Tidus, the latter of which was doing what appeared to be a clumsy imitation of a Sending done at record breaking speed.
“Was that Tidus?” Wakka asked, crowding into the room along with Lulu, Rikku, and Yuna.“
Yes!” Auron gasped between breaths. He was laughing so hard, he was having trouble keeping himself together. Lulu and Wakka laughed just as hard, while Yuna and Rikku stood there looking confused with Kimahri.
“You (incoherent sputtering)! Don’t you ever do that to me again!” Tidus howled as Auron gained control of himself once more and stood there calmly as if nothing had happened.
"Did you know you scream like a woman?” he asked, picking an imaginary speck of lint off his coat.Tidus sputtered and glared, then told Auron where to go.
Auron in return, told him where he could put his new sword. Yuna, stepping in before things could reach apocalyptic proportions, suggested that everyone go back to bed.
The second day passed much more smoothly. The prank war between Auron and Tidus seemed to have been forgotten, for the moment at least. Of course, a few freak accidents did happen from time to time. Like a bucket of water falling on Auron as he walked into his room. Then there was the time Auron came in to discover that all of the furniture in his room had been nailed to the ceiling, along with an estimate (left by the Agency staff) for the cost of getting it all down. There was also that accidental misplacement of a cup of dried peas (which mysteriously ended up under the sheets of Tidus' bed.) Yuna finally put a stop to the whole thing, by outright telling Tidus to knock it off. So, when S.S. Liki pulled into port, a happier, if somewhat more bored group boarded the ship for the last leg of their journey home.
Title: A Random Adventure [Ch 8,9,10]
Canon: FFX:OGC
Characters/Pairings: Tidus, Cast
Genre: Humor
Rating: T
Summary: Where Kimahri keeps his Items comes into question and Tidus barters for a sword from three old men, who may not be as crazy as he thinks. Of course Tidus adds to his list of grievences cause by Auron.
A/N: Post game, assuming Auron wasn't Sent and Tidus didn't disappear. Possible Spoilers.
A Random Adventure [Ch 1,2]
A Random Adventure [Ch 3,4]
A Random Adventure [Ch 5,6,7]
CHAPTER 8
Luca - It is mid afternoon. Yuna and her Guardians are just coming down the stairs from the city limits.
“So,” Tidus said as he danced down the stairs. Still sulking, Auron wished he would do them all a favor and break his neck.
“When do we eat? I’m starving!” Tidus continued, oblivious to Auron’s dark thoughts. “I could do with a victory lunch.” he added with a wink at Rikku, who laughed and skipped along beside him.
Auron scowled, but nodded to Yuna and Kimahri, who had looked to him for a decision. It would not be so bad, he decided. Maybe Tidus would choke on his stupid ‘victory’ lunch.
“This place brings back memories.” Kimahri said in a satisfied rumble. His lips peeled back in a fearsome grin as he recalled the feel of his fist smashing into his clansmen’s hairy face.
“That was some fight.” Tidus agreed as he speared a piece of meat and took a bite, chewing with is mouth open. He wiped his hands on his pants stabbed a second piece. “This chocobo is great!” he added.
“Must you eat with your sword?” Lulu inquired archly, her lip curling in irritation, “People are staring."
"I like my sword.” Tidus replied. His voice took on a childish whine as he looked at Rikku and added, “Besides, Rikku is using her weapon.” Rikku whipped her arm under the table with a sheepish grin and contrived to look as cute as possible. (All cute, perky girls possess this ability, to greater or lesser degrees. It ’s handy for avoiding instances of anger, wrath, rage, and numerous other dangerous emotions they may find themselves on the receiving end of.)
“Well, you know, us kids learn by example.” she said, “Anyway, Kimahri is eating with his hands.” Kimahri frowned as Yuna covered a smile with one hand.
“Kimahri is Ronso. Ronso use claws and fangs for everything. Keeps them sharp.” he rumbled, tearing his meat into more manageable pieces.
Lulu looked away in disgust and concentrated on her own plate.
"That’s a Ronso for you.” Wakka laughed as he stuffed a chunk of potato into his mouth and chewed.
“At least some of us have manners.” she commented, glancing at Auron and Yuna.
“Hey, I have manners, Lu!” Wakka retorted defensively around a mouthful of chocobo. Lulu made a derisive sound and looked at Tidus, who was still eating with his sword.
“Yes, and they rival those of a two-year old.”
After lunch, the party moved on, heading towards the docks to catch a boat to Kilika. Oh no, he's talking again!’ Auron thought with a mental groan as the Sin Spawn (Sin equals Jecht, and Tidus equals Jecht ’s Spawn, thus Spawn of Jecht equals Spawn of Sin.) began asking Kimahri where he kept his Items. The blue Ronso gave Auron a long suffering look and shook his head mutely at Tidus. They turned left, heading to the number 2 dock, looking for the familiar sails of the S.S. Winno.
“Come on, Kimahri, I want to know!” he begged, poking at him in an attempt to annoy him into speaking.“I get where everyone else keeps them. Rikku and Wakka keep them in pouches, Auron keeps them in his coat, and Yuna and Lulu keep them…well, you know. (insert immature giggle) But where do you keep them?”
Kimahri growled, “Kimahri keep them where they are safe.” Tidus rolled his eyes and said,
“Gimme a break! Every time I see you reach for something in a battle, you reach behind yourself and it appears. It’s like you just pull it out of your butt, or something.” With the speed of a striking viper, the Ronso hauled Tidus up by his shirt front, bringing him eye to fangs. Tidus decided that he really did not want to know that badly.
"Little one really wants to know? Kimahri will teach.” he threatened.
“Oh, look! I think the boat is ready to leave!” he squeaked.
Yuna laid her hand on Kimahri's arm. “Are you coming Kimahri?” she asked, winking at Tidus. “I’m ready to board, and I need you beside me, incase I trip, or that creepy little man over there comes too close.” Scowling at the poor man mending a sail, the Ronso dropped Tidus and boarded first, keeping Yuna.
"Nicely done.” Lulu murmured as she fell into step behind Yuna, the others following close behind
CHAPTER 9
S.S. Winno - It is evening, Wakka and Tidus have discovered a trio of crazy old men in the Guest Quarters. They have something that Tidus really wants.
“Look, Yuna, isn’t it great?” Tidus asked, pointing at the sword a wizened old man was holding. The broad blade was as black as night, its shiny surface adorned with small, comet-like swirls. The cross guards were silver, and its hilt was wrapped in black leather, with a silver knob on the end that was inscribed with a water dragon.
“It is a beautiful sword, and well-made, too.” Yuna agreed. Wakka snorted and turned to the Summoner,
“Beautiful? It’s cool , ya?”
“You got that right!” Tidus replied, “I wonder if he’ll sell it to me. Come on.” He pulled Yuna along as he trotted over to the old man and his two companions, who sat on the floor conversing. The old man griped the sword tighter. Yuna stepped in, seeing that Tidus had the tact of a falling brick.
"That’s a nice sword you got there,” Tidus began, joining them on the floor. The old men regarded him suspiciously; the young people these days were tricky, and unscrupulous. They wouldn’t hesitate to knock you down, steal your money, your shoes, and your dog, then turn around and try to sell them back to you at jacked up prices.
“Excuse me good sirs,” she said politely, doing a quick blessing. “But my friend would like to inquire as to whether that sword is for sale.”
Tidus and Wakka held their breaths as the old men put their heads together and mumbled amongst themselves. One looked at them and worked his toothless gums for a long moment. Tidus did not like the look of the old prunes. Old people were crafty creatures. They mumbled about you behind your back, they all had the Evil Squint, they made strange noises, you had to yell for them to hear you, and they smelled funny. These ones looked crazy on top of all that.
“We have decided,” and old man dressed in red croaked. “That yes, the sword is for sale,”
"Yes!” Tidus and Wakka hissed in unison.
"But,”
"But?” Tidus inquired.
"Butt?"
”No, But."
”Who has no butt?”
"No,” Wakka said patiently as the old man’s mind wandered down the hall and out the door. “About the sword, how much gil do you want for it?”
“Uh, Wakka,” Tidus hissed his voice tight with alarm, “We’re short on gil."
”How short?”
"A lot short. All we have is 75, and that sword is worth at least 2279!"
”Gil!” The old man cried in amusement. “Dear boy, we don’t want gil!”
"We don’t?” The old man holding the sword asked.
“No, we don’t.” the red clothed one snapped.
"I say, could you repeat that?”
"I said, No!”
"What?”
“NO!”
"Oh. Did you hear that, young man? We don’t want your gil!"
”Your pardon, sirs,” Yuna once again stepped in with a reassuring glance at Wakka and Tidus, who both wore long faces. “Are you wanting to trade something for the sword?”
“Yes.” the old man in red replied. He seemed to be the spokesperson for the group.
“Yes young Lady, a trade it is."
”I’ve got this really neat sword we could trade with.” Tidus offered, brining out Caladblog. Wakka’s eyes widened in alarm and he made a strangled sound.
“What?” Tidus replied defensivly.
“That’s your Legendary Weapon! What’s wrong with you?” Wakka gasped.
"Relax. It has No AP. I never found the Sun Sigil.” Tidus whispered.
“No. We don’t want a sword for a sword. We want something…bigger.”
Wakka rubbed his hands through his hair, patience wearing thinner than Shiva ’s cloak. “What do you want?”The three old men huddled together in deep, heated discussion. Tidus and Wakka stood impatiently through the wheezing, hacking, and other less flattering old man noises.
“We have decided.” Croaked the old man in red as he and his companions shuffled forward, stiffly jerking their knobby limbs along.The old man holding the sword gave him one of those silly gummy grins.
Tidus got the feeling that the old guy was a few players short of a blitz ball team. The old man cackled a little as he sidled up to Wakka and Tidus, fixing them with one filmy eye. The old man, after glancing at his companions who waved him on, hacked and straightened his hunched spine.
"What are we going to trade for?” Tidus piped up eagerly.
“We will trade you this sword for the moon.”
“The moon!” Tidus cried, shocked.
"What? Did I stutter young man?” The elder wheezed at Tidus, who stood gape-mouthed.
The old men glanced at each other, and Tidus became aware that all reason had given up limping gamely alongside insanity long ago. The ringleader replied, "We want the moon.”
"Why?” Tidus asked in shock.
“Because a goddess lives on it, and we wants to…get to know her real good.” he winked at Tidus and Wakka. They suddenly felt sick.
“I’m sorry, sirs,” Yuna said politely, “But that is impossible. There is no way to give you the moon. Not even a Summoner can command the moon.” Yuna continued respectfully arguing with the shuffling, mumbling trio, while Tidus started thinking. Random ideas streaked through Tidus' head, most falling into obscurity as they were discarded.
"Wakka, I want that sword!” he said in a crazed whisper, clutching Wakka’s shirtfront. “There has to be a way to get it.”
"These old men are tricky, and crazy, ya? How we gonna get the sword? Last time I checked, we didn’t have a moon in our inventory, brudda.”
"We just have to outsmart them.” Tidus said, “Now shut up and let me think!” He stood in silence, neural pathways firing like a psycho with a machine gun. Finally, one made it through the spaghetti ball of his mind and sat atop the pile of discarded ideas like a big mental meatball, still steaming with the heat of creation.
“Hey, old geezers!”
Forgetting about Yuna, and the argument, the crusty trio turned to squint at Tidus. The boy looked the old men in the eyes and grinned triumphantly. Auron, along with the remaining Guardians, decided to walk in right then, wondering where the trouble-makers had gotten too. They found out, and wished they had not.
“Here’s your moon!” Tidus yelled, spinning around and yanking his pants down.
The two motions were so perfectly executed that they appeared to be one move, and gave the old men and Tidus’ own companions no time for thought. When the mental mushroom cloud cleared, their minds were a wasteland more desolate than the depths of the Farplane. The mental silence was so still that the first dazed thought to evolve from the mass extinction roared from Auron’s head and echoed through the heads of the two groups. After a long pause their brains re-organized their hemispheres and the traffic jam in their ocular nerves finally made it to the occipital lobe. Yuna uttered a belated gasp of horror.
The old men ended their discussion and turned to Tidus. The ringleader stroked his grizzled chin and cleared his phlemy throat. "What’da ya think about that!” Tidus sneered, unaware of the mental destruction he had caused. The old men squinted at Tidus backside then turned to each other and began murmuring and gesturing at each other.
Tidus took the time to pull up his pants and give Wakka a confident grin. Wakka glanced wide-eyed from Lulu to Tidus, unsure of how to react. Rikku giggled nervously until she caught and eyeful of Auron’s murderous frown. Kimahri remained unmoved, or shocked senseless (It was hard to tell with him).
“You have yourself a trade young man.” The wrinkled old man with the sword said with a grin, holding out a trembling hand.
Tidus grasped the hand, which felt like a sock full of dice, and gave it a hearty shake, causing the old man to shake like an old skeleton.
“Here you go, young man.” The ringleader creaked as he handed over the sword.
“My Precious!” Tidus said as he took it reverently then held it up for everyone to see.
Wakka grabbed Rikku by the hands and swung her in a circle while he laughed triumphantly.
“What is it called?” Tidus asked as his companions crowded around to look at the obsidian blade.
“It is called ‘Moon Cleaver’.“
"Moon Cleaver!?”
“Yep. We were gonna call it ‘Crack Splitter’".
Tidus thanked the men and made his escape. Once Yuna and the remaining Guardians were gone, the old man who had said barely a word during the whole affair, pulled out a sphere from the recesses of his cloak.
“Did you get that?” the red clad elder asked.
The other man replied with a toothless gape-grin, and held up the sphere.
“I also gots the one that man gave me. You know, the one from the Blessing? He even paid me 2,000gil to make copies of it. That’s one backside the lasses in Luca will pay out the nose to have a sphere of.” he cackled, “We’ll be raking in the gil in no time.”
This goes to show that crazy old men are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. And not as innocent as they seem.
CHAPTER 10
Kilika -. The S.S. Liki is scheduled to arrive in two days, so Yuna and Company have no choice but to spend the night at the local inn.
At dinner, Tidus was mercilessly teased about his new sword. Wakka was the instigator, with Auron adding fuel with his seemingly innocent comments. Tidus grumbled, but kept his eyes on his plate. Maybe if he ignored them, they’d shut up.
"Tidus,” Lulu, silent during the whole meal, suddenly spoke up. “You aren’t going to eat with your new sword?”
This brought on a bout of laughter from everyone, even Kimahri. Luckily, Wakka came to his rescue. "That was pure genius, brudda; the way you tricked those old coots! ‘Here’s your Moon!’" Tidus grinned at the memory. He climbed up on his chair and turned around.
He pulled his pants down, in the middle of the dining hall, and asked, “Which do you prefer: Full moon, or Half?” Wakka roared and pounded on the table, then stood on his own chair.
"Look! Full moon, half-moon!” the two of them began mooning the table with varying degrees of ‘fullness’.
The two moons set in record time when Auron picked up a table dagger and threatened to ‘Cleave both Moons’. Kimahri had to be magically restrained to prevent him from trying to salvage Yuna’s social image, mainly by tearing Wakka and Tidus to pieces. You are judged by the company you keep, after all. Later, after being banished to his guest room, ( ’Go to your room, young man!’ had been Auron’s exact words)Tidus mentally went over his list of grievances.
Auron was such a stiff. You were not supposed to talk, which was nearly impossible with a group of teens, and women. No one was supposed to do anything spontaneous, Yevon May I, Road Bingo, Tower Count, Yevon Says, and word games were forbidden, along with fun in general. Giraffe was the only game allowed, which was down right boring. The only other game was Auron's favorite: Make fun of Tidus. Although for Auron, it was not just a game, it was a way of life.
Send me to my room, will you? I’ll show you! A soft scrape in the hallway woke Tidus from his unintentional doze. He sat up, putting on a stubborn scowl, and looked up just in time to see Auron fade through his room door.
A shrill, feminine scream split the air, bringing Kimahri charging down the hall. Wakka, also having heard the scream, stepped hastily back through his doorway barely in time to avoid the thundering streak of claws and fangs that flew by. Kimahri snarled as he realized that the scream had come, not from Yuna’s room, but from Tidus’. What was Yuna doing in the boy’s room? All sorts of dishonorable possibilities came to mind. Rounding the corner at full speed, Kimahri dug all four sets of claws into the wood floor and skittered to a halt facing Tidus’ door.
By now, Lulu and Wakka were right behind the hulking Ronso as he threw the door open and charged in. His roar of challenge fizzled down to a grunt of pain. His dramatic entrance elicited another shrill scream, this one high enough in pitch to hurt his sensitive ears. The Ronso was confused. Yuna was not here, only Auron and Tidus, the latter of which was doing what appeared to be a clumsy imitation of a Sending done at record breaking speed.
“Was that Tidus?” Wakka asked, crowding into the room along with Lulu, Rikku, and Yuna.“
Yes!” Auron gasped between breaths. He was laughing so hard, he was having trouble keeping himself together. Lulu and Wakka laughed just as hard, while Yuna and Rikku stood there looking confused with Kimahri.
“You (incoherent sputtering)! Don’t you ever do that to me again!” Tidus howled as Auron gained control of himself once more and stood there calmly as if nothing had happened.
"Did you know you scream like a woman?” he asked, picking an imaginary speck of lint off his coat.Tidus sputtered and glared, then told Auron where to go.
Auron in return, told him where he could put his new sword. Yuna, stepping in before things could reach apocalyptic proportions, suggested that everyone go back to bed.
The second day passed much more smoothly. The prank war between Auron and Tidus seemed to have been forgotten, for the moment at least. Of course, a few freak accidents did happen from time to time. Like a bucket of water falling on Auron as he walked into his room. Then there was the time Auron came in to discover that all of the furniture in his room had been nailed to the ceiling, along with an estimate (left by the Agency staff) for the cost of getting it all down. There was also that accidental misplacement of a cup of dried peas (which mysteriously ended up under the sheets of Tidus' bed.) Yuna finally put a stop to the whole thing, by outright telling Tidus to knock it off. So, when S.S. Liki pulled into port, a happier, if somewhat more bored group boarded the ship for the last leg of their journey home.