(no subject)
you know, it's just not fair.
here I was, having possibly the most dreaded day since 4- months. its crazy, dreading your own BIRTHDAY
because of what it meant to me and my mother. she said on more than one occasion, that this was her special day, her day for presents..
you see that my mother had an awful growing up (good too, but I digress) she basically was told by her mother that she should have been a boy, her younger brother obviously being favourized (which has probably alot to do with *his* problems, but again, I'm sidetracking. )
all she wanted in life (a girl and woman who had been so shy she could not look into peoples faces. beaten and brutalised, loved but also hated. raped and humiliated,
All she wanted was a Girl. a daughter
she had never gotten anything she ever wished for in her life. when she learned she was pregnant (which became a horrible ordeal that almost killed her)
she promptly went out and bough blue baby clothes.
then she got me.
a child that was much later (much later than it would have been necessary, had the people in the system not been total asses with their heads stuck up in there) diagnose with MBD (now ADD/ADHD)
back then they didn't even know about the Asbergers. infact I think it hadn't been invented yet.
yes, that was a joke.
ho yes, she got what she wanted oh right, but she was utterly joshed. "you want a girl?, sure, here have this EPIC FAIL of a human-being"
dealt crap instead of lemons yet again in life, did she give up? no. she took this little missfoster (I chose the Norwegian word here because 'freak' doesn't really say what I want to say, missfoster literally means "miss-foetus")
and raised it and cared for it, loved it and taught it everything that was right and wrong with the world, sure she made some mistakes, but she was only human.
I Still Need Her.
but I don't have her anymore. she was my total life. she, apart from some people in The System TM (they don't count) was the only person whom knew I existed, or cared about that fact.
then I managed to get online and meet some people. in yahoo's "pokemon"-chat of all places. those people are now strangers. but I moved on to get more friends. people on the internet forum for the comic Boy meets Boy, extended others of livejournal and neopets. people who used the website and subsequent irc channel Musicbrainz, even people on GoPets.
these people became my friends. real friends, is sent them parcels, they sent me cards and helped me purchase cd's, I even traded goods with one of them and my couch was the bed of another.
these people made me feel like I was not alone. so when my mother died, I could turn to them, and seek comfort and sympathy. simply recognition of my existence.
this is my birthday. I had some gifts and I listened to some groovy music, I made my own food and I had bought a cake - for I will never get surprise gifts, food made with love nor mothers special chocolate-cake without chocolate. ever. again.
these people who are my thin lifeline, delighted me with saying "happy birthday" in as many languages they could muster, people on my journal (though needing a little hinting :) came to congratulate me in spades...
a live concert with Led Zeppelin from 1970 to commemorate tomorrows apparent reunion type thing, this day of dread turned out to be rather okish, nice infact.
then my internet stopped working.
I have tried as much as I can, but I cannot get it to work again, I paid my bills, and the fire that took out some of the other internet in norway shouldn't affect me *now*
I'm writing this offline...
I really am at the end of my rope
one more thing now and I think the goblet will run over.
it really isn't fair, on this of all days.
I mean. what have I done to you, the maker of this situation?
whose weetoes did I piss on? what terrible deeds did I do in some long forgotten past life?
why can't I at-least have ONE.., THIS DAY, why? why am I not allowed to have any friends?
why?
you know, it really is not fair.
addememun, before I upload it.:
well "they" lost. my internet is back
I suppose I should not freak out like a cow every time something goes against me.. but it was just to much of a coincidence to really pass as "accidental"
I'm back.. thank.. whomever.
here I was, having possibly the most dreaded day since 4- months. its crazy, dreading your own BIRTHDAY
because of what it meant to me and my mother. she said on more than one occasion, that this was her special day, her day for presents..
you see that my mother had an awful growing up (good too, but I digress) she basically was told by her mother that she should have been a boy, her younger brother obviously being favourized (which has probably alot to do with *his* problems, but again, I'm sidetracking. )
all she wanted in life (a girl and woman who had been so shy she could not look into peoples faces. beaten and brutalised, loved but also hated. raped and humiliated,
All she wanted was a Girl. a daughter
she had never gotten anything she ever wished for in her life. when she learned she was pregnant (which became a horrible ordeal that almost killed her)
she promptly went out and bough blue baby clothes.
then she got me.
a child that was much later (much later than it would have been necessary, had the people in the system not been total asses with their heads stuck up in there) diagnose with MBD (now ADD/ADHD)
back then they didn't even know about the Asbergers. infact I think it hadn't been invented yet.
yes, that was a joke.
ho yes, she got what she wanted oh right, but she was utterly joshed. "you want a girl?, sure, here have this EPIC FAIL of a human-being"
dealt crap instead of lemons yet again in life, did she give up? no. she took this little missfoster (I chose the Norwegian word here because 'freak' doesn't really say what I want to say, missfoster literally means "miss-foetus")
and raised it and cared for it, loved it and taught it everything that was right and wrong with the world, sure she made some mistakes, but she was only human.
I Still Need Her.
but I don't have her anymore. she was my total life. she, apart from some people in The System TM (they don't count) was the only person whom knew I existed, or cared about that fact.
then I managed to get online and meet some people. in yahoo's "pokemon"-chat of all places. those people are now strangers. but I moved on to get more friends. people on the internet forum for the comic Boy meets Boy, extended others of livejournal and neopets. people who used the website and subsequent irc channel Musicbrainz, even people on GoPets.
these people became my friends. real friends, is sent them parcels, they sent me cards and helped me purchase cd's, I even traded goods with one of them and my couch was the bed of another.
these people made me feel like I was not alone. so when my mother died, I could turn to them, and seek comfort and sympathy. simply recognition of my existence.
this is my birthday. I had some gifts and I listened to some groovy music, I made my own food and I had bought a cake - for I will never get surprise gifts, food made with love nor mothers special chocolate-cake without chocolate. ever. again.
these people who are my thin lifeline, delighted me with saying "happy birthday" in as many languages they could muster, people on my journal (though needing a little hinting :) came to congratulate me in spades...
a live concert with Led Zeppelin from 1970 to commemorate tomorrows apparent reunion type thing, this day of dread turned out to be rather okish, nice infact.
then my internet stopped working.
I have tried as much as I can, but I cannot get it to work again, I paid my bills, and the fire that took out some of the other internet in norway shouldn't affect me *now*
I'm writing this offline...
I really am at the end of my rope
one more thing now and I think the goblet will run over.
it really isn't fair, on this of all days.
I mean. what have I done to you, the maker of this situation?
whose weetoes did I piss on? what terrible deeds did I do in some long forgotten past life?
why can't I at-least have ONE.., THIS DAY, why? why am I not allowed to have any friends?
why?
you know, it really is not fair.
addememun, before I upload it.:
well "they" lost. my internet is back
I suppose I should not freak out like a cow every time something goes against me.. but it was just to much of a coincidence to really pass as "accidental"
I'm back.. thank.. whomever.