Endgame
Title: Endgame
Pairing: Daniel Agger/Fernando Torres
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Have never known them at all. Obviously.
Summary: “I wanted to say goodbye.”
A/N: This isn't supposed to justify or explain or evoke sympathy in any way. Just my way of dealing, and so far, it really helped. But it'll be the last non-AU I'll write for a very long time, if not ever.
Endgame
It was Sunday evening when the doorbell rang, and Daniel Agger already had a sinking feeling before he even opened the door. And it was confirmed when he looked into a pair of familiar dark eyes, reflecting the light from behind him when the cold winter air hit his skin.
The silence stretching between them was instantly painful, and a large part of him just wanted to throw the door shut in Fernando’s face. But even though his hand trembled, it didn’t make the move.
“Are you alone?” the dark, accented voice finally asked, Dan’s insides clenched and he turned away without a word. The door behind him remained open.
He barely heard the footsteps following him, so quiet and careful were they, and he walked until he had reached the end of his living room and could go no further, where the window front revealed the darkness-covered garden.
More silence, thick and suffocating. And he winced as it was broken, no matter how quietly.
“I wanted to say goodbye.”
“Goodbye.”
It was out before he could stop it, equally quiet and against the cold window.
A soft sigh behind him.
“Dan…”
“What do you want me to say?”
He still couldn’t turn to look into his eyes, wanted to keep staring outside and picture the man he had met those three and a half years ago, the youthful features, the golden hair, the excitement and awe and happiness in his eyes. Wanted to cling to the image and never have to go back to the one of the man standing behind him now. Wished it could be the only one there ever would be in his mind.
When the silence had expanded and filled every corner of the dark living room and Dan had crossed his arms in front of his chest for a little warmth, it was finally broken again.
“You know I don’t have much time anymore.” Quiet voice reverberating loudly in the silence. “I’m almost twenty-seven. I’m a striker. You still have seven, eight years at top level. I have four, and only if I’m lucky. I can’t wait around any longer for the rebuilding process.”
“Sure.”
And you realise that when things are finally looking up again?
“It’s not like the decision came out of the blue.”
Then why did you never even once talk to me?
“I thought about this for a long time…”
Why did you make us all believe the opposite?
“And I never… I didn’t want it to have to happen like this.”
Then why couldn’t you wait for just four more months?
“You’re going to be part of the spine of this team, for years to come. I… at least right now you’ll still get a lot of money for me to help you. Who knows if that would even be still the case in summer.”
Why a club you know they hate, where they have to see you every time, one where your chances for trophies won’t even get that much better?
“There are other strikers out there, younger, better…”
How could you sacrifice the love everyone had for you and stab them in the back like this?
“Dan… please, look at me.”
He took in a stuttering breath, realising he’d been holding it all this time. How ridiculously hard it was just to turn his head and let go of the image in his mind.
The eyes were still the same, large and chocolate-coloured, surrounded by freckles but dulled by a sadness that was of a quality he had never seen there before.
Why did you say your heart was still here?
“I…” It was the first time Fernando’s voice broke. “I’m gonna miss you, you know?”
Dan could simply stare, his insides frozen like frost covered planes that vainly waited for the morning sun.
If you were lying then… were you just lying all this time?
“You know how much this club means to me… But so much has changed.”
Did I ever even know you at all?
“It’s simply time for me. Please don’t be angry.”
Why? Why why why?
Fernando was watching him, waiting for something, anything, eyes beseeching, lower lip trembling softly.
A week ago he would have felt the urge to raise his hand and take that face into it, draw his thumb over the lips, over the brow and take away the small frown.
Now he just stared.
Liar.
Finally Fernando’s shoulders slumped, defeated, and in the faint light a tear glinted as it fell from his eye. “I don’t know what to say anymore. I’m so sorry…”
“Don’t cry.”
Liar.
His voice sounded hoarse, out of use, foreign to his own ears. But Fernando sighed and closed the distance between them with a small step, raised his hands, cold, so cold on Dan’s neck. He couldn’t even bring himself to back away. And when Fernando leaned in and kissed him, pliant and gentle and beautiful just like the first time, something inside of Dan broke, irrevocably, irretrievably.
He couldn’t move when the familiar lips finally left his, dark eyes looked into his, the low words reached his ears.
“I’ll call you.”
Then Fernando walked backwards, one, two, three steps. Stopped. Then turned around and walked away.
Liar.
The paralysis fell away from him then and he moved forward until he had reached the front door, Fernando just having stepped through. He looked back, maybe in surprise, maybe with a word on his lips, but before it might have even had the chance to make out of his throat, Dan had pushed the door shut. And when his own harsh breathing was the only sound left around him he slumped forward against it, leaned his forehead against the cool wood and closed his eyes.
And in his mind he started walking backwards, step by step, images of what connected them flashing before his eyes. Coming undone, brick by brick, until he had found where they had started.
And the more he let go, the more he felt his heart being pieced back together.
***
I know that things are broken
I know there’s too many words left unsaid
You say you have spoken
Like the coward I am, I hang my head
You lay careless, your head on my chest
And don’t even look at me looking my best
And all these things I can’t describe
You would rather I didn’t try
But please, don’t cry you liar
Oh please, don’t cry you liar
Oh please, don’t cry you liar
Oh please, don’t cry you liar
And you lean in for your last kiss
Who in this world could ask me to resist?
Your hands cold as they find my neck
Oh this love I have found, I detest
Mumford & Sons
~ The End ~
Finally, I want to end this with quoting Daughtry:
Now that it's all said and done, I can't believe you were the one to build me up and tear me down like an old abandoned house. What you said when you left just left me cold and out of breath. I fell too far, was in way too deep - guess I let you get the best of me. / You took a hammer to these walls, dragged the memories down the halls, packed your bags and walked away - there was nothing I could say. But when you slammed the front door shut, a lot of others opened up, so did my eyes so I could see that you never were the best for me. / Well I never saw it coming, I should have started running a long, long time ago. But I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you more than you, more than you know. I'm slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over, I'm finally getting better. And now I'm picking up the pieces of spending all of these years putting my heart back together.
Cause the day I thought I'd never get through - I got over you.