I need drugs.
I can't stop crying. I just keep smashing everything in my own face. I just listen to music all day and all night and cry. I can't keep this up. I can't deal with all my insecurities and all my fears and all my regrets. I can't handle having no where to go and no peace of mind and no one to be there. I can't deal with all these falsities and my own mind moving to fast for my heart to keep up. I'm just so cold. I can't laugh or explain myself or even smile unless I try really hard. I keep playing songs in my head perfectly and thinking about how much I wish i died. If there is a God why would He have made me? I hurt my family and every friend I ever had. I'm the root of all my own problems. I just keep thinking of my dad......just my dad. Why do I have to have my dad? Why can't I have a dad who just beats the shit out of me all the time? I don't deserve anything I have. I don't deserve this blessed life. It takes so much out of me not to break down in front of people and just start sobbing. I've gotten by so far by just not accepting responsibility for anything but.....I just lost my whole fantasy world and now I have to accept facts. I just wish I was dead. When I try to talk people get frustrated and than ignore me. This is just all so much my fault my mind isn't processing it. I just keep going over how much no one knows me and when I say that or try to explain myself they go away. People just see through what I say and pick and choose what they want from it. I know people always say that your never alone in how your feeling but what good does that do me? I don't want anyone else to feel like this. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. It's like every bad thing I ever did to someone else in my life hit me all at once. Just one thing triggered it and I went into shock. I've always had this hole that I tried to fill anyway I could and now it's going to swallow me and it's gonna be like when I was little again. Just sitting at the top of the stairs wondering if I should jump off and if mommy would cry and if daddy would be happy. If Megan would grow up better off and if all the people I've known would be that much better off. Was I born just to destroy and than die? Have I ever built up without tearing down? How am I seen in the eyes of others? When will I ever deserve the one thing I want? It'd just be so easy to jump off.