A fangirl's guide to writing the good characters: part 1

[kankurette]

rossmonsterbite did one for writing the Akatsuki, so I've decided to do one for the good characters. I'm still working on the Konoha kids, so for now, here's how to write the teachers, Sand Siblings and parents badly.


Teachers / Jounin

• Iruka: must be thoroughly wet and a weed, and so uke he makes Haku look butch. Make him accessorise with pearls to clutch. As we all know, him and Kakashi are at it like knives, to the extent that he has 'insert Kakashi here' tattooed above his anus. Bonus points if Kakashi rapes him and/or beats him up.
• Kakashi: he must always be reading Come Come Paradise. Ensure his book is glued to his hand. If he's teaching in an AU, make him the shittiest teacher ever. Alternatively, make him a paedo (because reading erotica apparently makes you one). If it's a KakaIru fic, ensure he rapes Iruka and makes him his bitch. Also, knock a few points off his IQ and let him be outsmarted by your OC.
• Ibiki: the Scariest Man in Konoha, he loves to torture people. Why, it's all he ever thinks about. Torture, torture, and more torture. His favourite pastimes include torture, kicking puppies, torture, raping Iruka (after Kakashi's finished with him), and torture. This also means he is a hardcore BDSM freak.
• Gai: is LOUD and ENTHUSIASTIC and therefore TALKS IN CAPITALS A LOT. Also, he is an idiot. Every sentence that comes out of his mouth must contain the words 'youth', 'youthful', 'springtime', 'Lee mah boi', or 'rival'. He enjoys molesting Lee and competing with Kakashi. Neji? Tenten? Who are they again?
• Kurenai:  Asuma's girlfriend who is preggers. Serves no purpose except to angst on how her boyfriend got killed. Unless your OC is in love with either Shino or Kiba (most likely the latter, since no girl doesn't want a guy who loves bugs, then she's there for moral support and all that other motherly crap she gives to that blind girl, and will even tell your OC how much she reminds her of Asuma. (Thanks, 3675309.)
• Asuma: He's dead. Oh and he smokes a lot. (wait, how does that work?) He exists to offer gruff fatherly advice to your love-lorn OC in the matters of Shikamaru, smoke, or to look long-suffering while feeding Chouji at the nearest restaurant. Oh, and did we mention he smokes? He has a super-sekret relationship with Kurenai, so she's always around, either draped over him in public or nagging him. And he smokes. Seriously, every single fic must have him smoking constantly. We're talking a carton-a-day habit here. (Thanks, random anonymous person.)
   

(If anyone's got anything to add re Baki or Yamato, let me know.)

Sand Siblings

• Temari: is either a wimpy little girl who always needs rescuing or a huge raging bitch, particularly if you ship ShikaIno. Your OC should pwn her with his/her witty comebacks and make that bitch look stupid. If this is a ShikaTema fic, she should have Shikamaru on a leash and make him call her 'Your Majesty'.
• Gaara: DID have friends as a kid - your OC! And if your OC wasn't Gaara's Super Special Childhood Friend, s/he will be the one to melt his cold, cold heart. Gaara's not a psychopathic killer or anything, he's just a big cuddly teddy who wants to be loved. He may enjoy sex with his brother and will always have a teddy bear to hand. He may also swear a lot, because as we all know, Gaara likes to say naughty words in the manga. Put him in lots of badly-written lemons and you're onto a winner!
• Kankuro: is a complete and utter bastard who enjoys kicking children, burning dogs and saying rude things. He is also Suna's resident rapist; victims may include his brother. He is also stupid. Really fucking stupid. Remember, kids - loud = idiot. Kankuro is loud, therefore he is an idiot. Bonus points if he likes shit metal. 

Parents

• Minato: is like totally BFF with the Kyuubi and will fall in love with your OC. Bonus points if mpreg ensues. He will also molest his students, particularly the grumpy one with the silver hair.
• Kushina: who? Your OC is Minato's One Troo Wub, not that old slag.
• Tsume: is Konoha's worst mother. May also enjoy a spot of bestiality, just like her retarded son.
• Hiashi: is not going to win any parenting awards, sure, but ignoring his daughter and undermining her isn't enough to make Bad Uncle Hyuuga a real villain! How can you make him worse? Why, make him beat and/or molest Hinata (bonus points if Neji is the victim). He may also kick Hinata out and she will be forced to wander the streets of Konoha until someone rescues her.
• Shikaku: lives in a dumpster and drinks meths. Is a hopeless old drunk who probably wets himself and is also Yoshino's bitch. Despite actually being a decent guy in canon, he may also abuse Shikamaru, and not by owning him in a game of shougi. After all, bad parents make for good drama, right? (See Hiashi.)
• Inoichi: is blond and pretty, therefore, like his daughter, he is a slut and is taking it up the arse from both team mates (well, Shikaku anyway). He's had very little screen time in canon, so let's flesh out his personality a bit by making him Ukey McUkerson.
• Chouza: URGH NO GET IT AWAY FROM ME DO NOT WANT. What did I tell you about ugly people in badfics? Still, if you must include Chouji's hideous dad, make sure to portray him as an asexual bumbling dimwit who only thinks about food, since all fat people are like that. (See Chouji.)

Part 2 will be up at some point.