Finale
Three Years, all thrown away willingly by her. Everything that was said, every single word thrown away; every lesson learned in shambles because of one person. For the first time I don't need to think about it, I don't need to sit on it for a night or two to come up with a decision, I love her. But I guess that wasn't good enough.
What is Love?
On the phone I defined it to be a state of mind, in which both parties are in; a ultimate mental dimension just for two people. For the longest time I didn't know what it was, but I actually figured it out. It IS that connection, whenever you know what someone is thinking, or finish someone sentence, that is a form of love. True love, what I think we had, is the epitome
of that connection. Realizing that connection can be the hardest thing one may have to do, whatever means it comes to...do it. Nothing is more beautiful than two people in love, unless of course one of you does not realize it.
I was in love.
What happened to that love; that connection? Was it lost...no, just misplaced. An obstacle got in the way and everything changed, everything got misplaced. I know it will be a while for me to get over her. Knowing me, I will probably be staring at the phone and think about calling her, but I will do everything not to. When things get rough...I’ll keep it inside for now. I’ll try to not think of that angels face.
“You make me so happy when I talk to you, when we laugh and when you exactly know what I’m thinking when I haven’t even said anything, I love everything about you and me when I’m “with you”. I know I’m sounding cliché, but stupid people had to kill what I’m telling you... they say stuff like this too much and then when people like me say it, and MEAN it, it doesn’t sound original and from the heart...”
If something is cliché, it just means that other people have felt this thing called love and have explained it as best they could. So when you feel this, don’t let it discourage you, and don’t think that you are just feeling/saying it because you “saw/heard it somewhere,” don’t consider it cliché consider it the truth.
She had trouble realizing things I guess. I must admit that sometimes I would hear something on TV and think: “Hey I feel that way about Priscilla sometimes.”
“I want to be your stupid girlfriend, David! Do you think I “qualify?” Do you think we will sooner or later? Do you think we would fall madly in love with eachother?? I would like to try it and find out.”
Yes I WAS willing to give her everything she wanted, everything she could ever dream of [or imagine, like we did so many times]. Why didn’t I do it sooner? Why did I wait if I knew that the connection was there?
“Qualify...?” That had always been one of her problems, she never thought she was able enough, pretty enough, good enough. Truth be told anyone would give everything to have her. You might ask: “Why didn’t you give her everything David...?” Well...because I was waiting for her, I wanted her to accept that she loved me. I wanted proof that she was willing to accept everything I was to give her.
I was waiting for her to tell me that she loved me. Which she DID, but when she DID we were in this situation with Romy, so I decided to wait until it was squashed in order to give everything to/for her.
But that didn’t happen... she told me that she loves me, and yet chooses someone other than that beloved over that beloved.
And I already thought we were “madly” in love with one another, she just hadn’t accepted it, she didn’t realize. But I guess it’s to late for her to “find out” or to “try,” you gave up so easily, over a friendship...
“Well, I know this card isn’t much but it’s just a little piece of my heart to you... I hope you like it... and I will give you more as long as you let me. (And vice versa esp... you know my weird fear of letting people get close to me) I want you to be me first to step into this bubble!
Love you,
Priscilla
Well, isn’t that just heart-warming...
I was very close to stepping inside that bubble, but she gave up. She did tell me that it was purely physical, but it couldn’t be, I knew there was more to it. I was very close to stepping inside that damn bubble, I even tasted it, but she found the loophole and escaped, she couldn’t accept that someone loved her, she thought she wasn’t good enough and had to leave. Shame, I hope someone does get in there.
Now Imagine how I feel, I let MY guard down completely, I broke that barrier and allowed her to step inside my world and I did that and for a time it was good. But now, I imagine that barrier will be back tenfold, and I will be even more fucked up than I already am. That wall will now be bigger and taller, I hope that someone can topple it someday. I hope.
And I truly hope that she finds happiness with whoever. It has been a long ride.
Three Years... if I had the choice of going to sleep and forgetting everything, I don’t think I would do it.
I have learned who I am, I have learned that some people, just don’t WANT to be loved, and will do a whole lot to avoid love. I have learned who I am, and learned what is wrong with me, I have learned that I do not let people in very often and...
Most important of all, I know how bad it hurts when you let in someone that doesn’t want or denies love.
I am going to keep this letter as a reminder. A reminder that not everything that shimmers is gold, so to speak. I hope that every time I look at this card I realize that some people are just not ready to be serious.
It seems that Melanie is a better practitioner of augury than even I. I told her everything her and I were going through since the beginning and she felt something coming, all along she knew I would be hurt somehow.
She even told me she loved me in hopes of me leaving her, what a fool I was. I never knew I could be so thick... Maybe it was that doubt all along, the doubt she feared as I did, maybe I didn’t pay enough attention to that...I should’ve known she would do this. I should’ve known that she would choose something as miniscule as physicality over deep-seeded emotional wonderment.
That fear will overcome you one day Priscilla. I don’t hate you [yet anyway....] I am just severely disappointed that you would pick someone who thinks of you as a fucking PRIZE TO BE WON.... I hope he can jump in that bubble and help you figure some shit out, that's what I tried doing, but it seems I got too close.
I have nothing against you now Roman, I didn’t want to give up on her, but seems that wasn’t my choice alone [obviously]. So good luck with her, I hope you enjoy your “Prize.” Don’t let her give up on you, she will try her hardest to.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
I am putting this in front of everything in hopes that someone in need of advice finds it here.
This is my goodbye, these are my thoughts, after the fact, this is me saying “Good Riddance.” Maybe our paths will cross again once more Priscilla.
I don’t know how I’ll feel about this tomorrow or the day after, we will see, and that is the most inspiring thought...tomorrow. Someone I will find that won’t hurt me, tomorrow.
Three Years thrown away....and maybe I do hate you for that.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
What is Love?
On the phone I defined it to be a state of mind, in which both parties are in; a ultimate mental dimension just for two people. For the longest time I didn't know what it was, but I actually figured it out. It IS that connection, whenever you know what someone is thinking, or finish someone sentence, that is a form of love. True love, what I think we had, is the epitome
of that connection. Realizing that connection can be the hardest thing one may have to do, whatever means it comes to...do it. Nothing is more beautiful than two people in love, unless of course one of you does not realize it.
I was in love.
What happened to that love; that connection? Was it lost...no, just misplaced. An obstacle got in the way and everything changed, everything got misplaced. I know it will be a while for me to get over her. Knowing me, I will probably be staring at the phone and think about calling her, but I will do everything not to. When things get rough...I’ll keep it inside for now. I’ll try to not think of that angels face.
“You make me so happy when I talk to you, when we laugh and when you exactly know what I’m thinking when I haven’t even said anything, I love everything about you and me when I’m “with you”. I know I’m sounding cliché, but stupid people had to kill what I’m telling you... they say stuff like this too much and then when people like me say it, and MEAN it, it doesn’t sound original and from the heart...”
If something is cliché, it just means that other people have felt this thing called love and have explained it as best they could. So when you feel this, don’t let it discourage you, and don’t think that you are just feeling/saying it because you “saw/heard it somewhere,” don’t consider it cliché consider it the truth.
She had trouble realizing things I guess. I must admit that sometimes I would hear something on TV and think: “Hey I feel that way about Priscilla sometimes.”
“I want to be your stupid girlfriend, David! Do you think I “qualify?” Do you think we will sooner or later? Do you think we would fall madly in love with eachother?? I would like to try it and find out.”
Yes I WAS willing to give her everything she wanted, everything she could ever dream of [or imagine, like we did so many times]. Why didn’t I do it sooner? Why did I wait if I knew that the connection was there?
“Qualify...?” That had always been one of her problems, she never thought she was able enough, pretty enough, good enough. Truth be told anyone would give everything to have her. You might ask: “Why didn’t you give her everything David...?” Well...because I was waiting for her, I wanted her to accept that she loved me. I wanted proof that she was willing to accept everything I was to give her.
I was waiting for her to tell me that she loved me. Which she DID, but when she DID we were in this situation with Romy, so I decided to wait until it was squashed in order to give everything to/for her.
But that didn’t happen... she told me that she loves me, and yet chooses someone other than that beloved over that beloved.
And I already thought we were “madly” in love with one another, she just hadn’t accepted it, she didn’t realize. But I guess it’s to late for her to “find out” or to “try,” you gave up so easily, over a friendship...
“Well, I know this card isn’t much but it’s just a little piece of my heart to you... I hope you like it... and I will give you more as long as you let me. (And vice versa esp... you know my weird fear of letting people get close to me) I want you to be me first to step into this bubble!
Love you,
Priscilla
Well, isn’t that just heart-warming...
I was very close to stepping inside that bubble, but she gave up. She did tell me that it was purely physical, but it couldn’t be, I knew there was more to it. I was very close to stepping inside that damn bubble, I even tasted it, but she found the loophole and escaped, she couldn’t accept that someone loved her, she thought she wasn’t good enough and had to leave. Shame, I hope someone does get in there.
Now Imagine how I feel, I let MY guard down completely, I broke that barrier and allowed her to step inside my world and I did that and for a time it was good. But now, I imagine that barrier will be back tenfold, and I will be even more fucked up than I already am. That wall will now be bigger and taller, I hope that someone can topple it someday. I hope.
And I truly hope that she finds happiness with whoever. It has been a long ride.
Three Years... if I had the choice of going to sleep and forgetting everything, I don’t think I would do it.
I have learned who I am, I have learned that some people, just don’t WANT to be loved, and will do a whole lot to avoid love. I have learned who I am, and learned what is wrong with me, I have learned that I do not let people in very often and...
Most important of all, I know how bad it hurts when you let in someone that doesn’t want or denies love.
I am going to keep this letter as a reminder. A reminder that not everything that shimmers is gold, so to speak. I hope that every time I look at this card I realize that some people are just not ready to be serious.
It seems that Melanie is a better practitioner of augury than even I. I told her everything her and I were going through since the beginning and she felt something coming, all along she knew I would be hurt somehow.
She even told me she loved me in hopes of me leaving her, what a fool I was. I never knew I could be so thick... Maybe it was that doubt all along, the doubt she feared as I did, maybe I didn’t pay enough attention to that...I should’ve known she would do this. I should’ve known that she would choose something as miniscule as physicality over deep-seeded emotional wonderment.
That fear will overcome you one day Priscilla. I don’t hate you [yet anyway....] I am just severely disappointed that you would pick someone who thinks of you as a fucking PRIZE TO BE WON.... I hope he can jump in that bubble and help you figure some shit out, that's what I tried doing, but it seems I got too close.
I have nothing against you now Roman, I didn’t want to give up on her, but seems that wasn’t my choice alone [obviously]. So good luck with her, I hope you enjoy your “Prize.” Don’t let her give up on you, she will try her hardest to.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
I am putting this in front of everything in hopes that someone in need of advice finds it here.
This is my goodbye, these are my thoughts, after the fact, this is me saying “Good Riddance.” Maybe our paths will cross again once more Priscilla.
I don’t know how I’ll feel about this tomorrow or the day after, we will see, and that is the most inspiring thought...tomorrow. Someone I will find that won’t hurt me, tomorrow.
Three Years thrown away....and maybe I do hate you for that.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*