[log] Looking Glass [Hizashiko and Hinaji]
It was interesting, what medical care and good food could do to a person. Though she was still thin (and its possible, would always be) Hizashiko looked far better then she had just a few short months ago. She no longer looked like a diseased, ratty mess or like her bones were in danger of poking out of her skin. Her hair was well kept and looked
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Hinaji was the focus now, however, and Hizashiko sighed softly, turning to face him. She wasn't a gentle woman by nature, she was blunt to the point of rudeness, but delicacy was going to be needed with this obviously emotionally fragile young man.
"Hinaji..." she started out slowly, wishing the boy would look at her (and reminding herself that it was NOT Hinaji-sama, he wasn't the heir). "... the clan is complicated. It is based on rules that are based on traditions hundreds upon hundreds of years old. I... you may not believe me, but I've been where you are now. I've wondered why and been angry and felt like I was cast aside for no reason. A few minutes birth sealed my fate for the rest of my life and I was angry. I resented your mother for a very, very long time. Same mother, very different fates. The difference, however, between your mother, and my mother..."
Hizashiko reached out to lift Hinaji's chin up, wanting him to look at her. "... was that my mother well and truly hated me; I was no daughter of hers. The amount of joy your mother felt when she finally had you, when she could hold you in her arms, could not be placed into words Hinaji. Her and Hiroshi-sama were absolutely overjoyed. She would have killed me in a heartbeat to protect you, and I think she still would.
"Of course," she added in with a tired smile, pulling her hand away. "She's not terribly good at showing how she actually feels. She and I were taught that emotion is weakness and to keep it close. She was better with Hiroshi-sama but I can only assume, with his death, she reverted. It's just... sometimes what she means, and what she feels, isn't always conveyed well with what she says. But... I know my ane, Hinaji. I know know she loves you very deeply, and could never... ever hate you."
[ooc: stupid rasafrasin' typos]
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"Was she really happy?" Honestly all Hinaji remembered from his childhood was being pushed towards being the ideal Hyuuga, and being punished for failing that. No matter what Hizashiko said, it was hard to equate the harsh stares and hard words for love. But Hizashiko had no reason to lie to him, he was sure of that.
His shoulders shook and he quickly pulled away from her hand to get his emotions under control. He was already being an inconvenience; he didn't want to embarrass himself further.
"I couldn't meet her expectations, though..." He rubbed at his cheeks, trying to be discreet. "I always loved my mother. It hurt that she always looked so cold. I wanted to make her smile at me. But even though I couldn't...you're sure she doesn't hate me?"
He felt like a child needing reassurance.
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White eyes finally lifted off the boy as he tried to discreetly cry. It was uncomfortable, and she wouldn't add to his shame by openly staring and wondering what was up with this child. Really though, there wasn't anything wrong with him. He simply wasn't his mother, like most everyone had expected.
Him included.
The older Hyuuga shifted her gaze back to Hinaji when he spoke again, hands wiping away his tears. "... our expectations in this clan are difficult and sometimes nigh impossible. I don't doubt that you always loved her, or that you always tried hard. And so it seems you couldn't meet the expectations. It is done." There was a faint shrug before she made herself soften her voice, realizing her words were harsh. "... it wasn't your Fate to be the heir. You're not like your mother. You're like your father."
There was a shake of her head, and she continued. "Your mother is cold- like I said, she was taught to keep her emotions close. Even Hiroshi-sama could barely make her smile. And I know hearing it doesn't make it better. When I was very little, all I wanted was to see her... our... her mother smile at me. Or say that I did good. Or at least acknowledge that I existed. It never came and it hurts. But I'm sure Hinaji. I know with every fiber of my being that she doesn't hate you, and she loves you, and she's probably upset right now, however secretly, that she's hurt you so.
"Maybe," she added in softly, after a bought of silence, "you should be spilling your confessions to her. Maybe if you explained why you hurt, she might remember what she was like when you were little. I don't know. And I'm sorry you do hurt. I know it's no fun."
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Although it wasn't always like that. Only recently, since he'd gained more confidence from his team, and after his treatment in Sound, did he actually begin to attempt to confront Hiashiko. He used to be so afraid of her, and so ashamed of himself, that he could barely speak to her outside of a botched training lesson. There was so much he wanted to tell her, so many feelings he'd tried to hide for so many years.
And knowing his mother was cold, knowing that coldness hid her feelings, still didn't entirely help. Hinaji always knew that deep down. The problem was he couldn't relate to that. Everytime he had to hold in what he felt, everytime that Hyuuga mask came up, it hurt. He wondered how his father had managed, if they were so similar.
"...I don't know what to do when I go back. I can't just see her anytime I wish, and now that you're home she's going to be extra busy. Even though you say she cares...I don't know if I can talk to her like this when I do eventually get to see her."
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"You have two options, for when you get back," she finally said, arching an eyebrow just slightly. "You can continue to be afraid about telling her, continue to not tell her... and continue to fight with her, which you obviously don't like, and which I'm sure she doesn't like either."
The woman leaned back slightly and softened her voice. "Or, you can force past that fear, go to her, and explain. Tell her you love her. And try and start over again. No, you can't see her anytime you wish- no one can. Me coming home means she could need your support and care more then ever. If you don't think you'll be calm enough, stop by and say you love her, and then go and take time to calm down. If you've come to me to ask questions, then you want to fix it. So do so."
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"...Thank you, Hizashiko-san." He smiled--albeit weakly--and looked up at her before bowing his head. "You're right. I'm sorry I wasn't understanding before."
He stood slowly and bowed properly, truly grateful. He'd given her trouble and still she helped him. When he came out of the bow he smiled again. "I'm glad you're back, Hizashiko-obasan."
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Settling back on the bed, she sighed a touch and smiled very faintly to his smile and his bow. "... as am I. Take care, Hinaji-kun."
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