Reasons for Defying Reasons
He'd been teased about it, same way anybody was teased about it, only leave it to him to actually physically manage it.
Rin had actually worn a hole in the carpet with his pacing. Of course, he'd paced on this piece of carpet for an aggregated ten years or something, so maybe it wasn't fair to blame it entirely on this attack of nerves and impatience. Still, he couldn't quite believe it as he looked down underfoot at Kakami's hall carpet and spotted the worn-through split in the material.
Oh no, he wasn't nervous about this. Why would anybody think that?
He hissed some air through his back teeth, annoyed at himself and knowing there was nothing to do but be annoyed at himself, and went through to the kitchen to...
...oh, that was right. He'd already turned everything that could be turned into soup, into soup. And some things that probably couldn't. That was what he usually did when he was upset or worried and couldn't do anything about it. (Soup was default 'feel better now' food, you see) Rin glared moodily (well, close to moodily as he could manage) at the filled tupperware and simmering pots and pans and just sighed before pacing back to the living room and looking up at the ceiling.
It would be okay, he just needed to do it. Needed to tell her what was going to happen.
There was a bark and a yap just before the door opened and the dogs trotted in, looking rather energetic and happy to be home. Kakami followed quietly, closing the door and glancing at Rin with a brief, masked smile before she paused.
The pack of dogs was content to sniff Rin in a friendly way and continue to the living room as Kakami walked up to the man and glanced at through the kitchen.
"..."
Her gaze settled back on him, hesitating a moment before she asked quietly, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Rin said, far too quickly for it to be all that true. "I mean, uhm, I just... it's been a few days since I've been 'round and so I..."
He sighed and rubbed his eye. "...am a very poor liar," he finished, just looking at her and steeling up his frayed nerves. Suddenly the words were out in the air before he could stop them.
"I'm off work for the next two and a half weeks, Kakami. For religious reasons. And I'm really nervous and I should have told you earlier but I..."
Argh. This was supposed to make more sense. This was supposed to sound more like he knew what he was doing. But all he could do was trail off a bit helplessly and just look at her, tongue-tied.
She stared at him for a moment, half expecting him to go on so she could make some sense of what he'd just said.
When nothing came, Kakami shifted and then ran a hand through her messy hair, before pulling her mask down and her gloves off - might as well start getting comfortable. "Um, okay then." She gave a slightly confused smile.
She knew he had religious ties, because of his family. It wasn't something she really understood, but Kakami had never considered that a really big deal. What was he nervous about?
"So..." she walked past him to the kitchen and gave a vaguely bemused stare at the pots and dishes again before dropping into a chair. "Sit down."
He was clearly worried or upset about something. Might as well try to get it out of him.
Rin followed her without a word and sat down across from her, picking up a spoon to fidget with before he noticed he'd done it. He quickly put it down and looked over at Kakami, who was looking at him patiently, but with some concern.
He supposed he wasn't making very much sense.
"I meant to tell you earlier but I kept putting it off," he said, looking down from her eyes and frowning slightly. "I know I never really talked to you about it, but I'm... well, my family were religious and so am I even though I screw it up a lot. And there's this sort of spiritual ceremony we have at certain times in our lives. Like when we're five, we get these."
He lifted a thumb to push gently against one of his striped cheeks.
"And I need to go for my next one, but it's a much bigger ordeal. I have to stay at the temple for a few weeks without seeing anybody and... it's going to be really difficult and I'm not very confident but I'm going."
Brown eyes glanced up to her, and he managed a weak sort of smile. "So... I wanted to explain it all to you, since we're... y'know."
She smiled back at him, looking a little more reassured. Well, it didn't sound bad then.
"Okay." Kakami leaned back, settling. "I remember it being mentioned you were from a religious family - back when we were kids. But I never heard what it was exactly."
She was a little curious perhaps - but if it was something that was a big part of Rin, then she wanted to know about it. She was just confused as to why he'd been worried about telling her.
He just looked at her, and it was a long minute before he realized he couldn't explain it the way he wanted to. Not here.
Rin reached back to rub the back of his neck and then glanced out the window. It wasn't the prettiest summer's afternoon... but there was something he liked about the clouds and the sky.
"I'll show you," he offered, swallowing nervously after he said it. He got up, and held out his hand. "If you'd like, I can show you."
Kakami stared at his hand for a moment before she moved, standing and then taking his.
It was always a slightly bittersweet moment, holding his hand like this. She wasn't sure why - regret perhaps, for avoiding it for so long when it really did bring her a small amount of joy.
She looked at him and gave another quiet smile. "Alright. Let's go then."
Rin's fingers tightened gently, warm and eager around her slender hand, and he found himself kissing her for a small and soft moment. Better way of saying 'thank you' and 'I love you' and 'I need you' than any of his stumbling words could manage.
A few minutes later they were both walking at their own pace, hands still held between them on the street as they made their way towards the western side of the village. No words were exchanged - they both just held together and tried to get used to being with each other so simply and easily.
It calmed Rin's heart down some, but not enough to keep his hand from tightening nervously around Kakami's fingers when the temple's walls came into view. They took off their shoes and paused for just a moment in the gate, looking forward into the peaceful gardens and running streams. Rin gave a nervous sort of smile to Kakami next to him.
"Have you ever been here before?" he asked.
She squeezed his hand back softly before she removed her shoes and looked around. His question softly met her ears and Kakami glanced at him for a moment before looking at the grounds again.
It was peaceful. Quiet. The place seemed removed somehow, like the outside couldn't touch it. Like it was...well, safe.
"No." Kakami drew her eyes away from the place and to Rin, to his nervous smile. "I visited one of the shrines when I was a child now and again, but never the Temple."
She'd stopped going a long time ago. Her eyes fell for a moment and then she met his before smiling again. "So...where do we go now?"
Rin got a little lost looking at her as she spoke, just watching her in this new setting. She seemed to fit and it made his heart jump to realize.
"Uhm... this way," he said to her smile, and led along the soft sand path for only a little while before redirecting them both and guiding her towards one of his favourite spots, the cooling grass whispering under their bare feet.
They reached a small grassy hill, sided by rhododendrons in late bloom, with a stream running around the base of it. From here you could see a lot of the temple's grounds and pick out the small roofs of the shrines dotted in the trees and grass and water.
He tugged gently on Kakami's hand and they sat down.
"When my mom was still alive we used to come up here every other day," he told her, looking around slowly. "And she'd tell me the names and properties of every plant we could see. I was supposed to be a herbologist like her, you see. That was the plan, or... or here. Maybe I was going to come here to apprentice. Used to be what the oldest child did in the clan. Something... quiet. Helpful. Respectful of the spirits and gods in every little thing."
He glanced down, then over to her with a slightly strained sort of smile. Couldn't help it. "Didn't work out that way, but I still believe and I... it's been a long time since I could face coming back here."
Kakami had never heard much about Rin's parents or his clan. Not from him. She hadn't heard about what he might have been and it suddenly made her chest ache a little for him.
There really hadn't been a "lost life" for herself. No matter what, she would have been a ninja. That was just the way of it.
Her hand gave his a tiny squeeze as she looked at his expression. "What changed?" Her face, like her voice was quietly calm, eye studying him with a hint of concern, with a little curiosity.
"Time," he said quietly. "And... uhm, what happened in the prison. And... you."
He looked down, at their hands, and gently tugged his thumb over hers. Trying to think of how to say it the way it was. He took a breath and looked at her for a moment, meeting her dark eye, and then looked down again.
"I thought with all the things I'd done, during the war and then later, that I couldn't come back here and deserve to find that connection. I didn't show any respect, not what I should have and the thing is you were there. You were with me. We had to do it but, I just... that's not an excuse. Not for something like this."
He frowned and bit his lip, eyes tracking over the green grass to his knee. His hand shifted in hers, not letting go but making the tags wound round his wrist stir a little. Like tiny prayer bells.
"I felt like a hypocrite, asking for all this to take me back... I thought it wasn't possible. I was still going to try, I still did try, but then you kissed me that night and if that could happen it just suddenly meant anything could."
He smiled a little, squeezed her hand and then gently let it go. Slid his hand around to the back of hers, resting between it and the grass.
Tangled on her palm he'd left his tags.
Kakami looked down at the tags in her hand and a slight rush of emotions she couldn't untangle and identify as she forgot whatever questions or comments she'd had on his reasons. He'd given her back his tags - like she hoped he would that one night.
Everything was very still for a brief moment, before she looked at him and opened her mouth to speak, only no words would come. So instead, she smiled at him, fingers curling around the metal tags as she brought her fist to her chest. Holding him them to her closely.
Kakami was not good at emotions - expressing them had always been a difficulty. Even at a young age, she preferred to keep them hidden and she was rather good at it. She'd privately, now and again, envied those who could be open with what they felt - unsure if she would ever be able to do so. But now...
For a short moment, as she looked at Rin, what she did feel managed to shine through, even if it was dim in comparison to the way he could communicate wordlessly. Pride, happiness, love...Kakami still didn't understand no one would ever convince her that Rin wasn't worth anything he wanted now completely, but for a moment that was set aside.
Rin felt himself change under that sudden gaze of hers and knew that it would be alright. All of this would be alright. She was proud of him, he could see it in how she looked at him... amazed he could still recognize somebody feeling that over him, it'd been so long. And she loved him, she really did. He could feel it as though she had her hand round his heart. Maybe she did.
When you believed in the life and spirit in every little thing, you learned not to take anything in what you could feel for granted.
But with that look, with that openness from her he had his confidence. He had the answer to all his prayers.
He had her, smiling at him because she loved him. Showing her precious heart for him. Here, in the temple, in the other part of him he knew she'd never really seen, she did that for him.
Rin didn't have anything to say either. He watched her pull his tags to her chest and then knew that two weeks would feel like forever to them both, and if he'd seen to his worries over every other thing right now all he would regret about undertaking this ordeal was having to go without her. Missing touching her, seeing her, breathing with her for two weeks.
He scooted a little closer and touched her cheek softly, wondering at her and how much he loved her. Unable to say much more than he had.
Kakami liked it when he touched her face - it brought his scent closer, reminded her increasingly more of good things rather than bad.
Her own fingers were still tightly curled around the metal tags as she leaned forward and brushed a kiss on his forehead before pulling away and giving a slightly tilted smile. Her hand ruffled his brown hair rather fondly.
Her gaze went upwards and then around.
"...Its so peaceful here." It suited him more than the battlefield really did in her mind. A small part of her was sad that he didn't get this sort of life, that he had to endure pain and grief in such magnitude. "So. Two and a half weeks. Good thing you made all that soup."
He smiled at her and then reddened a little at her words.
"Sorry about that," he muttered, embarrassed just a touch. "I was uhm... I was worried you would be upset with me. For not telling you sooner or for not being allowed to see you for the two weeks or... I just..."
A small sorry huff and he looked down at her tiny warm toes in the grass.
"I thought you'd doubt if I should do it, like I did," he said, low voice lowered even further so only she could hear. His fingers brushed over her toes and he looked up, so grateful to her and all the ways she kept surprising him. Kept validating him. Kept telling him it was alright.
Sometimes he found it so hard to do that for himself, it was a failing - he knew, but Kakami was like that missing part of him and he trusted her. Not that he wasn't a trusting soul, but with Kakami there was something else. He had faith in her.
Her smile twitched a little - angry? Well...perhaps a little caught off guard because he hadn't said anything sooner but not really mad.
Kakami's smile faded as he continued to speak and she took a deep breath. "Rin..."
Her hand lightly doffed his head - not very hard - as if to tell him how silly that sounded to her. Her eyes found his and Kakami leaned her head to the side.
"I wish you had told me sooner." Her voice was quiet. "Maybe I could have helped. But...well, whatever did get you to go through with it, I suppose that was a good thing."
This time her hand simply brushed at his hair softly. A small smile, as she did so, before she withdrew it to pull his tags over her own head to rest around her neck.
A relieved smile broke over Rin's face as she gave him a gentle thump and a soft pat, sure he felt silly now - a little embarrassed - but it was so much better than the worry and the confusion... he hadn't felt happier in so long. When she tugged his tags around her neck he felt something else too.
With some men, when a girl had something of theirs it was like a token of possession. Especially something with their name on it. But Rin looked at Kakami resting there with his tags round her neck and all he saw was how obviously he belonged to her. And if he could be honest with himself he needed that a lot more than he'd ever wanted to - to belong to somebody, especially her.
He reached out for her hand and smiled quietly at her, then squeezed her fingers. "They look far better on you," he said with a small grin, feeling a funny twist in his stomach. It made him push up to his feet and hold his hand down for her
"Sorry to make you move again," he said quietly, eyes bright and heated. "But uhm... I really need to kiss you and if Chiriku-sama catches me pulling a stunt like that on sacred ground..."
Kakami stood and softly laughed, taking his hand and letting him help her.
"Alright." She shook her head at him in only slight amusement before they started walking, even though kissing sounded like a nice idea.
One more glance around the area as they reached the gate, taking it in before Kakami slipped her sandals back on. Maybe she would visit here again, someday.
Her maskless face grinned slightly at him as they made their way out. She'd taken too leaving it off when around him and when he wanted to go somewhere. It made things a little easier even if she did feel slightly awkward at times without it. She'd covered her face for so long -had covered a lot of things for so long.
They made it all of two steps outside the temple gates before he couldn't help it. There wasn't anybody he could see nor sense around them and he doubted it would have mattered if there was. Dusk was coming, the air was deepening, and he felt so loved it couldn't help but show.
"Love you, Kakami," he told her, right before he tilted his head and kissed her. Simple, swift and honestly helpless; he didn't want to annoy her being overly affectionate in public but this... this was unavoidable and if she would insist on being so disarmingly wonderful...
That hadn't been long.
Kakami kissed him back carefully, sweetly. No one was around, the air was still warm but not hot and the sky was starting to color just slightly.
When he pulled away, she gave him another smile and simply said, "Love you too."