(no subject)
I still have trouble trying to conform myself to what I have understood. I had been reading in CS Lewis' book "Mere Christianity", and Lewis there says that faith is also a virtue, in the sense of it meaning to cling to what reason has seen. I'm really not one of those anymore who think that reason is an enemy to the faith. Rather, reason helps us understand. Not that I can understand it fully though. For, how is it that some things are given to us by the Lord himself, and others we find seemingly on our own? But I guess noone can say how the Lord works with us. There are things which I believe He has made known to be important to me, such as to think of the Gospel as a Gospel of peace. It is showing me, reason can function in many ways, and just like I need to live in virtue, I have to reason in virtue. But nay, I often reason in vain curiousity, and I rarely have the sincere will to keep what I understood as important. I'm barely seeing the difference between the eternally important, and what is important for the day. I think in some way, I am still in the rhythm of life the satan brought me into during the time of unbelief, and later during the time of hard but insincere seeking. In some ways, I feel like I am a maniac, even when I think my outward appearance doesn't betray it to others. My mentor Katharina some days ago broke my impatience, and for a time I felt a wonderful peace. But the impatience came up again, unless I mistake it for enthusiasm again. I suppose enthusiasm's wonderful, but why am I always so enthusiastic about one thing, and terrible lazy about another? It's not that I really want to be lazy (although I don't know how conceited I am in my heart), but that I have difficulty in perseverance even when things get hard. There are thoughts I think which I am barely conscious of, and my schizophrenia hasn't laid them bare in voices, but has concealed them from me even more. But it's really only God who can search the heart.