(no subject)
I had a long long talk with an old guy in the bistro I eat at. An old fella, worn face. It's the guy I mentioned some days ago in another entry. I can't possible recount everything we talked about, because it was really really much. But it really helped. I felt understood. Probably because I had such immediate liking for this man. I hadn't thought that much about him before, didn't think he was very intelligent, but as it turned out, he was well-educated, a writer even, but in the clothes of an ordinary man. In some ways, it was like the Father Son situation I was always needing in my life, a father for whom I also have much respect intellectually. He confirmed something to me. A certain point of view, and he also clarified myself the point of view to which I most wholeheartedly agree to. Sometimes I agree to things wholeheartedly, sometimes because I must, sometimes because I think I must. A wholehearted agreement is different. The man's been a christian, and in some way he reminds me to my grandfather from my mother's side, though I never met him. In fact, he is a christian in whom I see a side of christianity far different to the impressions I have of some other chirstians. Not head in the clouds, but .. moved. And that's what I am, I am genuinely moved by God, even when it happened that often I lost the capability to be moved for longer. Perhaps it's my introvertedness, to have wanted to counter love with something rational, instead of by allowing it move me. Emotions, intellect, what to trust? Emotions point me into a direction, but sometimes intellect obscures it, and it focusses too heavily on what should be. I want something else than pure reason, I say thank you reason, I say thank you philosophy, but it doesn't breathe into life what I need. To feel small at my window, to hear and see the rain pour down, to feel athmosphere. To find my mind yield to the beauty of a moment, instead of senselessly pushing me onward. I feel such closeness now to artists who want to portray an athmosphere, like that painting of two men watching the moon. Or those who paint flowers. Indira made a small graphic once, a flower, and besides it straight lines, and then lines that get crooked. I really overestimated the power of intellect .. or at least, the power of the intellect as I have it now. Hmm, though I also feel a warning coming from fear that surfaces. Fear seems like an utter mystery, not in the how and when it comes up, because that can be explained, but in that it takes something to master it, and not to be deceived by the loss of "happiness" it brings.
One of the reasons why despite my former claims, I have come closer to my God, is because how much of a defense the knowledge of his existence is. It gives an expanse to the universe, a beyond, it isn't me, it isn't you, it's another, and he's our Father. Such is what I can trust in, and perhaps we humans have to trust anything that can be trusted. Not because of wisdom, but because of love. The story damaged my ability to have trust, heck, it was damaged before. When you're lost in doubts, you don't even know anymore what trust is. Perhaps that is senseless to a true philosopher, but I often thought trust can also come as a feeling. At least it is accompanied by feelings, anxiety and hope while you don't know if you can trust, gladness, a slight happiness in my case, a smiling soul, when you know your trust is requitted. Perhaps that is the difficult thing with christianity, that there seems nothing about God's trust in us. Fundie christians say when God saves someone, he intervenes in his destiny. That seems to mean, our trust means only our ability to respond. But perhaps God trusts us too, admittedly in a way we can't manage, because we're not omniscient. Here's where the intellect again chimes in, what do you really know, it asks, what have you experienced yourself? And the answer again is, I must have faith.
When I talk at IRC's philosophy chat, people debate. I am pretty much unable to bring God into it, most of the time. Neither do I particularly want to do so, because most discussions in that regard, unless you meet likeminded people, are futile. I really really love these young people that set out to discover spirituality. That examine religions, talk about it. But they are not settled, most of the time. It seems to be the consensus, that to say I absolutely know that God exists, is intellectually dishonest. But what about me now? God has come to me, and I am pretty certain it is the christian God. I would love to be convinced that God loves and opens up to anyone, regardless of religion. Maybe I should experiment with that. To get some clarity in my religious thoughts, no, not clarity, but knowledge of the real, not so much steered by my wants and needs. A good friend I met some hours ago, someone I love, adviced me to study tibetan buddhism, which I will do, but, as also came apparent in our discussion, we are different people. Our own background, our personality makes us different. He sees clouds and a blue sky, I see a bird, both when we think of another. Now it comes to me again, the feeling that we have much to say to each other. Sometimes, ambition can blind us, I mustn't speak for others, and he's a friend, but it surely blinded me. And it (and he, unfortunately but perhaps necessarily) certainly blinded me to Indira back then. The whole thing often was a game, but apparently we were both lacking, and our ambition drove us. I want so much to meet that guy and drink a beer with each other, really making sure all prejudice and unrecognition of the other is gone. Here is when I feel somewhat happy about christianity's teaching to be humble, it does away with hate, at least when it seems like it. It certainly can prevent hate to come up. But that's difficult to see sometimes, some people are more reserved than others, and sometimes we get cautious about being humble cuz of bad experiences. And sometimes we're not humble because of stupidity, stupidity in that we come to value an aggressive and perhaps uncompromising (and sometimes a mean or a nasty or a simply cruel) position more, than anything else, even when we've just been the victims of such attitudes. Not wanting to suffer, wanting to succeed finally. Sometimes people are somewhat crooked and want you to pay a price for being humble. But Jesus is the resurrection and the life, when I give up my self to another, he will give it back, in a better form even, if I am willing to shed it, though it has to be in his cause.
One of the reasons why despite my former claims, I have come closer to my God, is because how much of a defense the knowledge of his existence is. It gives an expanse to the universe, a beyond, it isn't me, it isn't you, it's another, and he's our Father. Such is what I can trust in, and perhaps we humans have to trust anything that can be trusted. Not because of wisdom, but because of love. The story damaged my ability to have trust, heck, it was damaged before. When you're lost in doubts, you don't even know anymore what trust is. Perhaps that is senseless to a true philosopher, but I often thought trust can also come as a feeling. At least it is accompanied by feelings, anxiety and hope while you don't know if you can trust, gladness, a slight happiness in my case, a smiling soul, when you know your trust is requitted. Perhaps that is the difficult thing with christianity, that there seems nothing about God's trust in us. Fundie christians say when God saves someone, he intervenes in his destiny. That seems to mean, our trust means only our ability to respond. But perhaps God trusts us too, admittedly in a way we can't manage, because we're not omniscient. Here's where the intellect again chimes in, what do you really know, it asks, what have you experienced yourself? And the answer again is, I must have faith.
When I talk at IRC's philosophy chat, people debate. I am pretty much unable to bring God into it, most of the time. Neither do I particularly want to do so, because most discussions in that regard, unless you meet likeminded people, are futile. I really really love these young people that set out to discover spirituality. That examine religions, talk about it. But they are not settled, most of the time. It seems to be the consensus, that to say I absolutely know that God exists, is intellectually dishonest. But what about me now? God has come to me, and I am pretty certain it is the christian God. I would love to be convinced that God loves and opens up to anyone, regardless of religion. Maybe I should experiment with that. To get some clarity in my religious thoughts, no, not clarity, but knowledge of the real, not so much steered by my wants and needs. A good friend I met some hours ago, someone I love, adviced me to study tibetan buddhism, which I will do, but, as also came apparent in our discussion, we are different people. Our own background, our personality makes us different. He sees clouds and a blue sky, I see a bird, both when we think of another. Now it comes to me again, the feeling that we have much to say to each other. Sometimes, ambition can blind us, I mustn't speak for others, and he's a friend, but it surely blinded me. And it (and he, unfortunately but perhaps necessarily) certainly blinded me to Indira back then. The whole thing often was a game, but apparently we were both lacking, and our ambition drove us. I want so much to meet that guy and drink a beer with each other, really making sure all prejudice and unrecognition of the other is gone. Here is when I feel somewhat happy about christianity's teaching to be humble, it does away with hate, at least when it seems like it. It certainly can prevent hate to come up. But that's difficult to see sometimes, some people are more reserved than others, and sometimes we get cautious about being humble cuz of bad experiences. And sometimes we're not humble because of stupidity, stupidity in that we come to value an aggressive and perhaps uncompromising (and sometimes a mean or a nasty or a simply cruel) position more, than anything else, even when we've just been the victims of such attitudes. Not wanting to suffer, wanting to succeed finally. Sometimes people are somewhat crooked and want you to pay a price for being humble. But Jesus is the resurrection and the life, when I give up my self to another, he will give it back, in a better form even, if I am willing to shed it, though it has to be in his cause.