this black veil of nothing that wont leave me alone
everything is so certaintly ok, and i am still plagued by these meddlesome conflicts that threaten to take me and everyone i know down with them. we will not let this happen.
and it is funny how things are never, ever what they seem, and this could be good or it could definitly be bad. it has been a little of both, i must say.
for some reason i feel really lonely even though i am almost constantly surrounded by people. i wish anisha were here so we could watch queer as folk. fucked as it is, i am deeply saddened by the fact that i havent seen it enough lately. i am slightly sick of crowds and i want to be with just her. and hayley and i are talking right now and its just depressing. i tried tellin you people i fucking hate thanksgiving and thats it depresses me and makes me want to cry. i want to cry bc i miss something and i dont even know what it is. and that being so dumb makes me want to cry again. i always feel like something is missing right around now. probably bc they are and my father called me today i balled for like ten straight minutes about why depressing stuff always happens to our family. about why we have trouble killing the pain. and why we cant move on. the goddamn snow is depressing me. i cant surpress this stupid urge to cry, cry for i dont know what, but maybe i shouldnt. i havent shown any emotion in so long that im beginning to feel like heather.
i definitly think i have pms. i cant understand why i feel so fucked up, i got my fucking period this morning which is probably explaining my random breakdown of sanity. shit, where is my voice of reason when i need it? oh great this just in, we have a new mood swing. i no longer want to cry, but no i want to stuff my face and read a book and pretend like i didnt just embarassingly enough just want to shoot myself for no particular reason. i cannot belive some of the stupid shit that goes on in my head sometimes.
i think i need a users manual and a drink.