i promise I'll try to make this the end of it, i dont want to hear it either
im so sick with the anticipation of it, im actually sweating just thinking about. just thinking about it is filling me with some kind of artificial, temporary happiness. even though i know it will end. but not soon, so no worries. so let me be. let me excite myself to the point of madness. cos thats what it'll be when its over, mad crazy.
i fucked up again. but if at first you dont succeed, try, try again. and that i definitly must. or i will die. because i cannot stay this way, or i will do something horrible.
again, as i've said , i failed at it. i didnt fix it. so now what do i do? what will become of everything now. oh god this could get so ugly, so ugly for me, not for you or her. what will become of everything now? i dont know. i cannot know until everything comes crashing down, which it vey well may. i am a little scared. because i dont think i trust myself to survive that.
so you cannot depend on other people? i learned. do it yourself. if i can. which is what makes me mad. so fucking mad.
i dont really care right now becuase there are so many things to look forward to, none of which involves them, thank fucking god. its after i worry about.
but thats ok becuase im fixing it now, for how many days i can't say.