(no subject)
Next week, I am going to Disneyland Paris with my cousin and my grandparents (my grandfather is doing much better and will be out of the hospital on Monday, fingers crossed). My cousin Evie, being 6, is of course very excited for this, and so I told her about how when I was her age I went to Disney world Florida. We broke out the photo album and had a joyous time looking at all the fun pictures of my sisters and I trying to pull the sword out of the stone, of me meeting Cinderella who was my favourite of all the Disney princesses at the time, spinning in the teacups, running around like mad children and having a gay old time. But then we came to one picture, one horrific picture, and the traumatic memories came flooding back.
Imagine, if you will, that you are a six year old girl in Disney World for the first time ever with your family. It is possibly the best thing ever to happen, your cartoon heroes are walking around and you can hug them! There are roller coasters and parades and you can buy things from Cinderella's castle! We each took turns picking a ride, and when it came to my turn I spotted the prettiest boat I'd ever seen! It was reminded me of the boat from Willy Wonka, which should have been warning enough. I decided that I wanted to go on a peaceful boat ride, I made everyone run to the queue so I could sit in the front and at the edge so I could skim my hand along the water and maybe pet the ducks as we sailed by. Everything was sunshine and roses, and I was happy in my tiny six year old yay I'm in Disneyworld and I'm a boat motherfucker mindset. The lady driving the boat was very sweet, she began to explain to us about where we were going and how we were going to see all the sights and wave at Disney characters along our peaceful river journey. 'Oh look', she said, 'the next boat ride is coming back, let's radio them and talk to each other, won't it be fun :)' so she began talking to the guy on the radio as I splashed about in the water. Suddenly the man started panicking on the end of the radio, 'Something's in the water! Oh my god, something's in the water!' the panicking turned into all out screaming. The lady looked confused and hung up the radio, assuring us that everything was probably fine... Right as we sailed past a sinking boat with a huge cartoonish bite taken out of the end.
Things took a turn for WTFuckery as the lady pulled a shotgun out from under her chair and assured us again that everything will be fine. Just then a motherfucking shark appeared out of the water, right next to my head and I started screaming. My dad bravely offered to switch seats with me. The lady gunned down the shark and we arrived back at port, with me clinging to my dad and shaking. As it turns out, this nice calm boat ride I'd picked was a Jaws ride, and after we got off we had an opportunity to take pictures with the dead shark, hanging upside down as if you'd caught a fish. I did not want to go anywhere near that motherfucker, I stayed to the side and hid with my dad. My sisters went right up to it and stuck their heads in there, I was terrified the shark was going to come to life and eat them. After that I developed an irrational fear of water, and then at some point I saw an advert for a car where, for some reason, a shark fin was swimming along in the road, cracking the pavement. To my tiny six year old mind, this translated as sharks can swim through land and are going to eat you in your bed. I dreaded nightfall, when I would be all alone and left to fend for myself against the evil land sharks.
Evie laughed throughout this story, the sadist. She said she thinks we should go on a Jaws ride in Paris if there is one, to which I replied nooo it took me five years to get over my shark phobia last time, but she just laughed more and said we had to go on it! I doubt it's going to be there, but if it is just wait, I am going to punch that stupid shark in it's stupid face! REVENGE!
Imagine, if you will, that you are a six year old girl in Disney World for the first time ever with your family. It is possibly the best thing ever to happen, your cartoon heroes are walking around and you can hug them! There are roller coasters and parades and you can buy things from Cinderella's castle! We each took turns picking a ride, and when it came to my turn I spotted the prettiest boat I'd ever seen! It was reminded me of the boat from Willy Wonka, which should have been warning enough. I decided that I wanted to go on a peaceful boat ride, I made everyone run to the queue so I could sit in the front and at the edge so I could skim my hand along the water and maybe pet the ducks as we sailed by. Everything was sunshine and roses, and I was happy in my tiny six year old yay I'm in Disneyworld and I'm a boat motherfucker mindset. The lady driving the boat was very sweet, she began to explain to us about where we were going and how we were going to see all the sights and wave at Disney characters along our peaceful river journey. 'Oh look', she said, 'the next boat ride is coming back, let's radio them and talk to each other, won't it be fun :)' so she began talking to the guy on the radio as I splashed about in the water. Suddenly the man started panicking on the end of the radio, 'Something's in the water! Oh my god, something's in the water!' the panicking turned into all out screaming. The lady looked confused and hung up the radio, assuring us that everything was probably fine... Right as we sailed past a sinking boat with a huge cartoonish bite taken out of the end.
Things took a turn for WTFuckery as the lady pulled a shotgun out from under her chair and assured us again that everything will be fine. Just then a motherfucking shark appeared out of the water, right next to my head and I started screaming. My dad bravely offered to switch seats with me. The lady gunned down the shark and we arrived back at port, with me clinging to my dad and shaking. As it turns out, this nice calm boat ride I'd picked was a Jaws ride, and after we got off we had an opportunity to take pictures with the dead shark, hanging upside down as if you'd caught a fish. I did not want to go anywhere near that motherfucker, I stayed to the side and hid with my dad. My sisters went right up to it and stuck their heads in there, I was terrified the shark was going to come to life and eat them. After that I developed an irrational fear of water, and then at some point I saw an advert for a car where, for some reason, a shark fin was swimming along in the road, cracking the pavement. To my tiny six year old mind, this translated as sharks can swim through land and are going to eat you in your bed. I dreaded nightfall, when I would be all alone and left to fend for myself against the evil land sharks.
Evie laughed throughout this story, the sadist. She said she thinks we should go on a Jaws ride in Paris if there is one, to which I replied nooo it took me five years to get over my shark phobia last time, but she just laughed more and said we had to go on it! I doubt it's going to be there, but if it is just wait, I am going to punch that stupid shark in it's stupid face! REVENGE!