Musings (frantic ones)
Been a while since I've written here. Probably no one reads any more, but I need to write this down somewhere and my physical journal is for dreams, so this is as good a place as any.
I've been kind of slow and hesitant and scared about searching/applying for jobs and masters programs. Part of it is that I'm still SO confused about what the hell I'd like to do for the rest of my life (how daunting is that - "rest of your life"?), and I'm not sure there's any one thing I want to be doing forever. I'm so flighty about that sort of thing, always have been since I was little. I wanted to be an astronaut, an astronomer, a writer, an artist, a jeweler, an environmentalist, and a million other things. It doesn't help, too, that I'm so damned idealistic. I can't imagine being happy if it's not perfect, although I'm sure I'd do it if it wasn't, just wouldn't be happy doing it.
Anyway. I'm going to turn twenty-six in two months, almost exactly. I feel like I'm still twenty-two, in that I just graduated college and am thinking about what to do with myself now, except that was almost four years ago, and I honestly still haven't figured it out. I have had two jobs since graduating, each lasting about a year (actually just under for each >.<). One was geology-related, one was a time-pass at the mall. Neither is something I think I'd want to do forever. I've applied to a few jobs in between there, but I never really pursued anything very hard. I guess I got a little too comfortable at home, too.
I'm terrified now, and angry with myself. I don't want to be living at home any more, I'm ready to get out, but I feel like I don't have any marketable skills (I know that's not true, just feels that way). It's also that I have no idea where to start looking for jobs... And if I go for a master's program, it'll probably be to a Texas school because I have no savings and loans outside of Texas would be killer. Yet, I'm so tired of this state and I want out... But starting a master's program now will mean I won't finish until I'm twenty-nine, and then, finally, I'd hopefully get a job. But that's so late to start a proper job in life... And everything else will be put on hold until then? It's just... frightening to think of. I'm stupid, and I shouldn't have waited so long to start freaking out about this, but it is what it is and now I have to go DO it. Whatever "it" is, I have to do it.
I feel so behind, though. I'm scared and worried and frustrated and behind.
I've been listening to the "Tangled" soundtrack (particularly "When Will My Life Begin") and thinking it's a perfect song for me, except she's 18 and getting out and I'm soooooo ooooold.
I've been kind of slow and hesitant and scared about searching/applying for jobs and masters programs. Part of it is that I'm still SO confused about what the hell I'd like to do for the rest of my life (how daunting is that - "rest of your life"?), and I'm not sure there's any one thing I want to be doing forever. I'm so flighty about that sort of thing, always have been since I was little. I wanted to be an astronaut, an astronomer, a writer, an artist, a jeweler, an environmentalist, and a million other things. It doesn't help, too, that I'm so damned idealistic. I can't imagine being happy if it's not perfect, although I'm sure I'd do it if it wasn't, just wouldn't be happy doing it.
Anyway. I'm going to turn twenty-six in two months, almost exactly. I feel like I'm still twenty-two, in that I just graduated college and am thinking about what to do with myself now, except that was almost four years ago, and I honestly still haven't figured it out. I have had two jobs since graduating, each lasting about a year (actually just under for each >.<). One was geology-related, one was a time-pass at the mall. Neither is something I think I'd want to do forever. I've applied to a few jobs in between there, but I never really pursued anything very hard. I guess I got a little too comfortable at home, too.
I'm terrified now, and angry with myself. I don't want to be living at home any more, I'm ready to get out, but I feel like I don't have any marketable skills (I know that's not true, just feels that way). It's also that I have no idea where to start looking for jobs... And if I go for a master's program, it'll probably be to a Texas school because I have no savings and loans outside of Texas would be killer. Yet, I'm so tired of this state and I want out... But starting a master's program now will mean I won't finish until I'm twenty-nine, and then, finally, I'd hopefully get a job. But that's so late to start a proper job in life... And everything else will be put on hold until then? It's just... frightening to think of. I'm stupid, and I shouldn't have waited so long to start freaking out about this, but it is what it is and now I have to go DO it. Whatever "it" is, I have to do it.
I feel so behind, though. I'm scared and worried and frustrated and behind.
I've been listening to the "Tangled" soundtrack (particularly "When Will My Life Begin") and thinking it's a perfect song for me, except she's 18 and getting out and I'm soooooo ooooold.