it's nice to have a dream
You can all thank Gretchen for this one. I had bloggy writer's block all day yesterday, so in a fit of desperation, I asked for your help. She requested my top twenty TV boyfriends, which honestly just sounded really fun. So, here you go, Gretchen. And here you go, rest of my readers. And if you think you know who my number one is, you are wrong. Let's list qualifications. Members of this list must have one or all of the following: a) they're nice to look at, b) intelligence, c) sense of humor, preferably warped, d) a strong sense of loyalty and honor, e) a big heart, and f) regularly makes an ass out of himself. The more of those qualities a person has, the higher they are on my list. Why? Because that's what I'm attracted to, sillies. Enjoy?
My TV Boyfriends
20. Clark Kent, Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman
"Superman is what I can do. Clark is who I am." -- Dude was my first love, gotta give him credit for that. The heart of a ten year old is not easy to ensnare, but by God, he did it. With his glasses and his stuttering and his hitting on Lois Lane all the time. Clark Kent is always the better half of the Superman. Always.
19. Dr. Mark Sloan, Grey's Anatomy
"The most refined, professional, lady-like doctor in this hospital came to my defense tonight. Best she could come up with was 'He's a whore.'" -- Recent convert to Grey's Anatomy that I am, I'm afraid I might get shot when I say that I don't find McDreamy all that McAnything. McSteamy, however . . . oh, I'm in for some of that. Whenever he comes on screen I find myself uncontrollably repeating variations on the same sentence: "Holy shit, that man is beautiful. Should anyone be allowed to be that beautiful? I want to bite him." Etc, etc.
18. Detective Sam Tyler, Life on Mars
"Scotch. A large one. Actually, make it a bottle." -- True story: last semester I was sitting in the library's computer lab in between classes and catching up on an episode I'd missed, when all of a sudden this skank-ho slips Tyler a drug, and next thing you know, he's handcuffed naked to a bed. My face got all hot and bright red and I had to turn off the computer and go away for awhile. Then I went to class. And do you think I was thinking about school for the next hour or so? If your answer was yes, then you are dead wrong.
17. Edward J. Stevens, Ed
"The fact of the matter is you can't live without me. That's right, you could move away to Guam, Borneo, Harrisberg,
Pennsylvania, God knows where. The truth is you'll be making a beeline right back to Stuckeyville. You know why?
Capital 'E' lower case 'd'!" -- Does anyone else miss this show as much as I do? If they don't sort out their copyright issues soon so I can get me some Ed DVDs, I'm gonna flip.
16. Luke Danes, Gilmore Girls
"Lorelai, this thing we're doing here: me, you. I just want you to know I'm in. I am all in." -- Luke is just solid as a rock, and such a gentleman. Plus also he's good at fixing things. This isn't on my list, but it is extremely handy.
15. Michael Vaughn, Alias
"This watch belonged to my father. It's broken now, but it used to keep perfect time. And when he gave it to me, he said, 'You could set your heart by this watch.' It stopped October first: the day we met." -- Another pretty man, but this one comes with emotional stability. This particular TV boyfriend is recommended if you have a high stress job. Very sensitive and supportive. Except for that one time he married Melissa George.
14. Dr. Gregory House, House
"It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what. The weird thing about telling someone they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to lie for. What they're willing to die for." -- You got me, I'm a little bit of a sucker for damaged goods. And you can't get much more damaged than this. Lucky for him he's so dapper and charming. Er, I mean, lucky he's a genius.
13. Lieutenant Karl "Helo" Agathon, Battlestar Galactica
"You were a person before you put on that uniform, okay? You were a person before I fell in love with you. You don't have to prove that." -- The best man in the world. He's like, the moral center of the universe. It's like, if you ever need to know if something is right or wrong, just think to yourself, similarly to Jesus, what would Helo do? Besides knocking up a Cylon and then marrying her, I mean.
12. Logan Echolls, Veronica Mars
"I thought our story was epic, you know. You and me. Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined and blood shed. Epic. But summer's almost here and we won't see each other all. And then you'll leave town, and then . . . it's over." --
More damaged goods, but this one's young, so maybe he'll grow out of it. I'm also a sucker for when the damaged goods tries to cover up his man-pain with his acerbic wit. See also number three.
11. Angel, Buffy the Vampire Slayer / Angel
"If there's no great glorious end to all this, if nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do. 'Cause that's all there is. What we do. Now. Today. I fought for so long for redemption, for a reward, finally, just to beat the other guy. But I never got it . . . All I want to do is help. I want to help because I don't think people should suffer as they do, because if there's no bigger meaning, then the smallest act of kindness is the greatest thing in the world." -- He may be Broody McBrooderson, but that's part of his charm. So mysterious, so used-to-be evil. And on occasion, so shirtless.
10. Dr. John "J.D." Dorian, Scrubs
"Even though I am a man, I prefer appletinis. They make me feel fancy." -- I knew that J.D. and I were destined to be soulmates from the moment he said that Elliot's buttcheeks looked like two pringles hugging.
9. Jim Halpert, The Office
"I'm in love with you. I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that, I just-I just needed you to know. Once." -- Does this one really need any explanation?
8. Wesley Wyndham-Pryce, Buffy the Vampire Slayer / Angel
"I had my throat cut and all my friends abandoned me." -- Here's a question for you: how do you turn a socially retarded bookworm with a bit of a spastic personality into a handsome, dashing, and tortured warrior? I don't know, but maybe you should watch Buffy and Angel to figure it out.
7. Major Leland "Apollo" Adama, Battlestar Galactica
"This case, this case is built on emotion, on anger, bitterness, but most of all it's built on shame. It's about the shame of what we did to ourselves back on that planet. It's about the guilt of those of us who ran away. . . Who ran away. And we are trying to dump all of that guilt and all that shame onto one man, and then flush him out the airlock, and just hope that that gets rid of it all. So that we can live with ourselves. But that won't work. That won't work. That's not justice, not to me. Not to me." -- I just . . . I have no words for the Leland love. I mean, there is a reason this guy's callsign is Apollo, god of the sun. His rippling pectorals gleam with the shining light of a thousand suns, and the purity of his soul could start a fire. He shits rainbows.
6. Special Agent Fox Mulder, The X-Files
"Dear Diary, today my heart leapt when Agent Scully suggested spontaneous human combustion." -- I think I have previously covered this one, but just in case you've forgotten, go here for further assistance.
5. Spike / William "The Bloody" Pratt, Buffy the Vampire Slayer / Angel
"I don't want to be this good-looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear." -- Evil, sexy. Not evil, sexy. Always sexy.
4. Special Agent Seeley Booth, Bones
"Jesus is not a zombie! I shouldn't even have to tell you that." -- I think one of the reasons I love this character so much is that he's so completely different from Boreanaz's other role, Angel. He's funny, dresses in light clothes, reads comic books naked in bathtubs, and is able to sire a child in the normal fashion. Mostly I love the way he plays off of Brennan. They complete each other. Is nice. I can't wait for the sexytimes.
3. James "Sawyer" Ford, Lost
"Baby, I am tied to a tree in a jungle of mystery." -- Here are six words for you: dimples, accent, floppy hair, tortured, shirtless.
2. Captain Malcolm "Mal" Reynolds, Firefly
"I aim to misbehave." -- Malcolm Reynolds, captain of all that is awesome and explosive in the universe. Also, ponies and toy rockets. Mal is a wonderfully complex character who Nathan Fillion brings to life with this kind of understated brilliance. He's the gun-totin', thievin' rebel with a cause, and with his own unique set of moral guidelines. All I know is, if there was ever a war between the outlying planets and an evil Alliance in this universe, I'd totally want him on my side. And in my bed.
And, NUMBER ONE?
1. Commander John Crichton, Farscape
"I try to save a life a day. Usually it’s my own."
"Since I left home, I’ve been hunted, beaten, locked up, shanghaied, shot at. I’ve had alien creatures in my face, up my nose, inside my brain, down my pants. This is the first time, the first place, where I’ve felt peace."
"I got great eyes, they’re better than 20/20, and they’re blue!"
"Shut up! I hate it when villains quote Shakespeare."
"John Crichton, Astronaut, master of the universe."
"Welcome to the Federation Starship S.S. Buttcrack."
"Is there some kind of stupid alien quotation book you guys use?"
"Well, this little spaceman is going home. Lock up the women and hide the fried chicken!"
"I'm not fast enough, I am not alien enough, and you know what, there are people in the universe who don't like me!"
"Here's how it lays out. Are you listening Stahleek? Grayza? Wormhole weapons do not make peace. Wormhole weapons do not even make war. They make total destruction, annihilation. Armageddon. People make peace . . . I don't know, maybe . . . It eats the whole universe, a monumental black hole, a giant whirling headstone marking the spot where we all used to live and play and slaughter the innocent."
"Guys, I apologize in advance for any instability or insensitivity on my part, but it is beer o'clock, where the HELL is my riot?"
- - -
It's funny. Just yesterday, before I got Gretchen's request, I was watching season nine of Stargate SG-1, in which Ben Browder stars, and I told Emily that I wanted her to get me Ben Browder. Like, if there was any way she could make that happen for me, that would be awesome. Why? Let's go back to that list, and for the record, he's the only one that meets all requirements. Pretty? Check. Good kisser? Check. Loyal? Check. Big heart? Check. Warped sense of humor? Check. Maybe I just have a thing for loud men with southern accents, but I die every time he opens his big stupid mouth. Ben Browder does this great thing where he FREAKS OUT and I love it. Moreover, I defy anyone on the planet not to feel something when this man dies of radiation poisoning. DEFY! There's something about the way he mixes his crazy boyish masculinity with this kind of insanely feminine desire to be loving and cuddly and monogamous at all times. Plus, he's spastic, nerdy, and kind of insane. He is the perfect man.
And that makes this THE END. Did I miss anyone?
My TV Boyfriends
20. Clark Kent, Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman
"Superman is what I can do. Clark is who I am." -- Dude was my first love, gotta give him credit for that. The heart of a ten year old is not easy to ensnare, but by God, he did it. With his glasses and his stuttering and his hitting on Lois Lane all the time. Clark Kent is always the better half of the Superman. Always.
19. Dr. Mark Sloan, Grey's Anatomy
"The most refined, professional, lady-like doctor in this hospital came to my defense tonight. Best she could come up with was 'He's a whore.'" -- Recent convert to Grey's Anatomy that I am, I'm afraid I might get shot when I say that I don't find McDreamy all that McAnything. McSteamy, however . . . oh, I'm in for some of that. Whenever he comes on screen I find myself uncontrollably repeating variations on the same sentence: "Holy shit, that man is beautiful. Should anyone be allowed to be that beautiful? I want to bite him." Etc, etc.
18. Detective Sam Tyler, Life on Mars
"Scotch. A large one. Actually, make it a bottle." -- True story: last semester I was sitting in the library's computer lab in between classes and catching up on an episode I'd missed, when all of a sudden this skank-ho slips Tyler a drug, and next thing you know, he's handcuffed naked to a bed. My face got all hot and bright red and I had to turn off the computer and go away for awhile. Then I went to class. And do you think I was thinking about school for the next hour or so? If your answer was yes, then you are dead wrong.
17. Edward J. Stevens, Ed
"The fact of the matter is you can't live without me. That's right, you could move away to Guam, Borneo, Harrisberg,
Pennsylvania, God knows where. The truth is you'll be making a beeline right back to Stuckeyville. You know why?
Capital 'E' lower case 'd'!" -- Does anyone else miss this show as much as I do? If they don't sort out their copyright issues soon so I can get me some Ed DVDs, I'm gonna flip.
16. Luke Danes, Gilmore Girls
"Lorelai, this thing we're doing here: me, you. I just want you to know I'm in. I am all in." -- Luke is just solid as a rock, and such a gentleman. Plus also he's good at fixing things. This isn't on my list, but it is extremely handy.
15. Michael Vaughn, Alias
"This watch belonged to my father. It's broken now, but it used to keep perfect time. And when he gave it to me, he said, 'You could set your heart by this watch.' It stopped October first: the day we met." -- Another pretty man, but this one comes with emotional stability. This particular TV boyfriend is recommended if you have a high stress job. Very sensitive and supportive. Except for that one time he married Melissa George.
14. Dr. Gregory House, House
"It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what. The weird thing about telling someone they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to lie for. What they're willing to die for." -- You got me, I'm a little bit of a sucker for damaged goods. And you can't get much more damaged than this. Lucky for him he's so dapper and charming. Er, I mean, lucky he's a genius.
13. Lieutenant Karl "Helo" Agathon, Battlestar Galactica
"You were a person before you put on that uniform, okay? You were a person before I fell in love with you. You don't have to prove that." -- The best man in the world. He's like, the moral center of the universe. It's like, if you ever need to know if something is right or wrong, just think to yourself, similarly to Jesus, what would Helo do? Besides knocking up a Cylon and then marrying her, I mean.
12. Logan Echolls, Veronica Mars
"I thought our story was epic, you know. You and me. Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined and blood shed. Epic. But summer's almost here and we won't see each other all. And then you'll leave town, and then . . . it's over." --
More damaged goods, but this one's young, so maybe he'll grow out of it. I'm also a sucker for when the damaged goods tries to cover up his man-pain with his acerbic wit. See also number three.
11. Angel, Buffy the Vampire Slayer / Angel
"If there's no great glorious end to all this, if nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do. 'Cause that's all there is. What we do. Now. Today. I fought for so long for redemption, for a reward, finally, just to beat the other guy. But I never got it . . . All I want to do is help. I want to help because I don't think people should suffer as they do, because if there's no bigger meaning, then the smallest act of kindness is the greatest thing in the world." -- He may be Broody McBrooderson, but that's part of his charm. So mysterious, so used-to-be evil. And on occasion, so shirtless.
10. Dr. John "J.D." Dorian, Scrubs
"Even though I am a man, I prefer appletinis. They make me feel fancy." -- I knew that J.D. and I were destined to be soulmates from the moment he said that Elliot's buttcheeks looked like two pringles hugging.
9. Jim Halpert, The Office
"I'm in love with you. I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that, I just-I just needed you to know. Once." -- Does this one really need any explanation?
8. Wesley Wyndham-Pryce, Buffy the Vampire Slayer / Angel
"I had my throat cut and all my friends abandoned me." -- Here's a question for you: how do you turn a socially retarded bookworm with a bit of a spastic personality into a handsome, dashing, and tortured warrior? I don't know, but maybe you should watch Buffy and Angel to figure it out.
7. Major Leland "Apollo" Adama, Battlestar Galactica
"This case, this case is built on emotion, on anger, bitterness, but most of all it's built on shame. It's about the shame of what we did to ourselves back on that planet. It's about the guilt of those of us who ran away. . . Who ran away. And we are trying to dump all of that guilt and all that shame onto one man, and then flush him out the airlock, and just hope that that gets rid of it all. So that we can live with ourselves. But that won't work. That won't work. That's not justice, not to me. Not to me." -- I just . . . I have no words for the Leland love. I mean, there is a reason this guy's callsign is Apollo, god of the sun. His rippling pectorals gleam with the shining light of a thousand suns, and the purity of his soul could start a fire. He shits rainbows.
6. Special Agent Fox Mulder, The X-Files
"Dear Diary, today my heart leapt when Agent Scully suggested spontaneous human combustion." -- I think I have previously covered this one, but just in case you've forgotten, go here for further assistance.
5. Spike / William "The Bloody" Pratt, Buffy the Vampire Slayer / Angel
"I don't want to be this good-looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear." -- Evil, sexy. Not evil, sexy. Always sexy.
4. Special Agent Seeley Booth, Bones
"Jesus is not a zombie! I shouldn't even have to tell you that." -- I think one of the reasons I love this character so much is that he's so completely different from Boreanaz's other role, Angel. He's funny, dresses in light clothes, reads comic books naked in bathtubs, and is able to sire a child in the normal fashion. Mostly I love the way he plays off of Brennan. They complete each other. Is nice. I can't wait for the sexytimes.
3. James "Sawyer" Ford, Lost
"Baby, I am tied to a tree in a jungle of mystery." -- Here are six words for you: dimples, accent, floppy hair, tortured, shirtless.
2. Captain Malcolm "Mal" Reynolds, Firefly
"I aim to misbehave." -- Malcolm Reynolds, captain of all that is awesome and explosive in the universe. Also, ponies and toy rockets. Mal is a wonderfully complex character who Nathan Fillion brings to life with this kind of understated brilliance. He's the gun-totin', thievin' rebel with a cause, and with his own unique set of moral guidelines. All I know is, if there was ever a war between the outlying planets and an evil Alliance in this universe, I'd totally want him on my side. And in my bed.
And, NUMBER ONE?
1. Commander John Crichton, Farscape
"I try to save a life a day. Usually it’s my own."
"Since I left home, I’ve been hunted, beaten, locked up, shanghaied, shot at. I’ve had alien creatures in my face, up my nose, inside my brain, down my pants. This is the first time, the first place, where I’ve felt peace."
"I got great eyes, they’re better than 20/20, and they’re blue!"
"Shut up! I hate it when villains quote Shakespeare."
"John Crichton, Astronaut, master of the universe."
"Welcome to the Federation Starship S.S. Buttcrack."
"Is there some kind of stupid alien quotation book you guys use?"
"Well, this little spaceman is going home. Lock up the women and hide the fried chicken!"
"I'm not fast enough, I am not alien enough, and you know what, there are people in the universe who don't like me!"
"Here's how it lays out. Are you listening Stahleek? Grayza? Wormhole weapons do not make peace. Wormhole weapons do not even make war. They make total destruction, annihilation. Armageddon. People make peace . . . I don't know, maybe . . . It eats the whole universe, a monumental black hole, a giant whirling headstone marking the spot where we all used to live and play and slaughter the innocent."
"Guys, I apologize in advance for any instability or insensitivity on my part, but it is beer o'clock, where the HELL is my riot?"
- - -
It's funny. Just yesterday, before I got Gretchen's request, I was watching season nine of Stargate SG-1, in which Ben Browder stars, and I told Emily that I wanted her to get me Ben Browder. Like, if there was any way she could make that happen for me, that would be awesome. Why? Let's go back to that list, and for the record, he's the only one that meets all requirements. Pretty? Check. Good kisser? Check. Loyal? Check. Big heart? Check. Warped sense of humor? Check. Maybe I just have a thing for loud men with southern accents, but I die every time he opens his big stupid mouth. Ben Browder does this great thing where he FREAKS OUT and I love it. Moreover, I defy anyone on the planet not to feel something when this man dies of radiation poisoning. DEFY! There's something about the way he mixes his crazy boyish masculinity with this kind of insanely feminine desire to be loving and cuddly and monogamous at all times. Plus, he's spastic, nerdy, and kind of insane. He is the perfect man.
And that makes this THE END. Did I miss anyone?