16. Republicans and Democrats
16. "Secrets and Lies," 30 Rock
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Season Two, Episode 8
Original Airdate: December 6, 2007
Written By: Ron Weiner
Directed By: Michael Engler
Starring: Scott Adsit as Pete Hornberger
Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy
Edie Falco as Celeste "C.C." Cunningham
Tina Fey as Liz Lemon
Judah Friedlander as Frank Rossitano
Jane Krakowski as Jenna Maroney
Tracy Morgan as Tracy Jordan
Jack McBrayer as Kenneth Parcell
Keith Powell as James "Toofer" Spurlock
Synopsis: C.C. and Jack face a block in their relationship when C.C. decides to go public about the affair but Jack refuses. Meanwhile, Liz struggles to keep both Tracy and Jenna happy when the two find it hard to share the spotlight, while Frank makes fun of Toofer's Harvard education with bizarre results.
Trivia: This episode had first been performed live at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater on November 19, 2007 to benefit the show's production assistants in the wake of the Writers' Guild strike, complete with mock commercials. Paula Pell played C.C. instead of Edie Falco.
Why It's on the List: Every episode of 30 Rock makes me laugh so hard that I forget how old I am, and the laughter has that hysterical quality that only five year olds hearing the word "fart" seem to possess. Perhaps because this is the first episode I ever saw, or perhaps I just love Alec Baldwin and Edie Falco together, or even perhaps because the message this episode sends is one I think we all need to hear -- this episode couldn't have come at a better time. Yes, folks, it's education versus porn. The mentally insane versus the incredibly needy. Democrats and Republicans, in love! There is hope in the world.
Extra Goodies: Watch the Episode, Screencaps
In Flagrante
30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York City. Jack Donaghy, Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming for NBC, and his secret lady love Celeste "C.C." Cunningham, Democratic Congresswoman from -- gasp! -- Vermont, are in the middle of an illicit embrace in that very epicenter of degenerate capitalism, his office. Just like in the movies, she leans into him and he rumbles in her ear. It's all very romantic and dangerous. She's worried about getting caught, but Jack assures her it's too early for the "creative types" and that he sent his assistant to a non-existent bakery in Queens. (Cut to Queens, where said sycophant is screaming frantically at a mechanic about some Italian pastry.)
C.C. is still worried, but Jack silences her with a gruff order: "Take off your pantsuit." C.C. turns in his arms, not complaining in the slightest. Just then, in barges Liz Lemon, who immediately is horrified and holds up her manila envelope to block her view. "Oh, workplace!" Jack and C.C. break up apart hurriedly and Jack tries lamely to cover. Liz may be there early because she gave up caffeine ("I've been going to bed at 5:30."), but even she isn't buying that Jack's "workplace acquaintance" is named LaKeisha Gutierrez Arafat. Liz introduces herself and tries to deflect the tension by babbling about her rape whistle turned necklace, and then fleeing with a look of intense glee on her face. Lemon out. Credits.
Everybody Got Problems
30 Rock, the TGS Writer's Room. In walks Frank, wearing a Harvard sweatshirt. Toofer is immediately incensed and tells him to take it off, "You didn't go to Harvard." Frank disagrees. He went, he did stand-up, and he got a "squeezer from an Indian girl on a bunk bed," so he's pretty sure he got the whole Harvard experience. Liz walks in and agrees that it does sound pretty accurate. Cut to Toofer, who calmly (but angrily) states, "You're just trying to get a rise out of me, Sir, and you do not want to make a Harvard man angry." Everyone laughs and Frank bends over, making an 'O' face. Poor Toofer, nobody takes him seriously.
Liz enters her office to find Jack chillin' on the couch. He's like, here's the deal, Lemon, that woman was not my colleague, "We are lovers." Liz: "Oh. That word bums me out unless it's between the word meat and pizza." Jack ignores Liz and continues. He tells her about C.C. aka Celeste Cunningham, "the woman who's trying to destroy this company for allegedly turning some children orange." Liz is open-mouthed, as you can see, but Jack has a dilemma. How can he be with C.C. with GE's strict "Bros before Hos policy"? Liz thinks this means he has feelings for her, but Jack is just as squicked out with that word as Liz is about "lovers." He tells her that yes, it's serious, and he wants her to meet some of his friends, and invites her to a dinner party for that night. Liz is flattered at first, but then Jack quickly ruins the moment by telling her "not to dress like a small-town lesbian." Jack covers his exit by announcing Liz's new "alopecia" problem, and with the writers all staring, Liz shuts the door of her office. "I don't have that . . . very hairy."
TGS rehearsal. In walks Jenna Maroney, holding a tiny circular trophy. Hey, looks like she won an award. Remember when she filmed that movie version of the Mystic Pizza musical? (Everybody: "No. No I don't.") Turns out the NY City Critics Association wants to honor her in their "Best Actress in a Movie Based on a Musical Based on a Movie" category. As Liz is offering her congratulations, off camera, Tracy Jordan shouts, "Okay, enough!" He huffs over to the stage, complaining about all the award talk. There are more important things, like "Where are the French fries I did not aks* for? You guys need to anticipate me!" In the background, some lackey goes running off to find Tracy some fries, but it's too late. Tracy storms out of rehearsal, and Liz is like, I hate my life. Pete: "Oh, no. I talked to him last time when he wanted to change his name to Wise Greasy Bastard." Liz, resigned to her fate: "I know."
Tracy's dressing room. Liz finds Tracy pouting on his obnoxious orange couch (probably the same color as those children poisoned by GE's parent, The Sheinhardt Wig Company). The problem is obvious; Tracy is upset that he never wins awards. Everybody wins awards except him, he says, "Even Shaquille O'Neal got a Kids Choice Award for that animated movie we did." Cut to a very cheesy and spectacular shot of said film, featuring a green mermaid Shaquille and an apparently homosexual Octopus Tracy. (Octopus: "Would you call what we did last night sex?") Back to the dressing room. He didn't get nothing for making that movie except a million dollars and a yellow Bentley. "Nothing!" He picks up a coffee cup, and tells Liz that his kids got it for him for Father's Day. It reads "World's #4 Dad." Tracy: "I'm a failure, Liz Lemon."
Let me pause here for an ode to Tracy Jordan. Mr. Jordan, never change; I love you. I love the way you say "aks," I love the way you run down the freeway in your underwear with a lightsaber, screaming "I am a Jedi!" I love the way you tell pigeons to stop eating people's old French fries and to have some self-respect because, "Don't you know you can fly!?" I love that you believe that "vampires are the world's greatest golfers, but their curse is they never get to prove it." But most of all I love the way your eyes bug comically from your head and the way that everything you say makes me pee my pants from laughter. Back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Tracy: "I think I'll just give up and try this crystal meth I been hearin' so much about." Liz rushes in, all "No, no, no," doesn't he know that he won an award? Didn't she tell him? But Tracy doesn't buy it. Liz is not to be deterred and tells Tracy that he is the proud recipient of a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Pacific Rim Emmy's. Tracy is very excited, not just about the award, but the fact that it's from Japan. He spent nine months there shooting his film Samurai, I Am Awry and he fell in love with their culture. "Especially sharking," which apparently is "when you run up on a lady in the streets and pull her tube top down while your friend videotapes it. It's considered a crime here. Thanks a lot, Puritans." And now Tracy is ready for rehearsal, as he doesn't want to disappoint his Japanese public, especially Godzilla. He laughs. "I'm just kiddin'. I know he doesn't care what humans do." On the way out, Liz catches Pete and tells him they need to make Tracy a Pacific Rim Emmy, and he's on it. Jenna walks up, still holding her award, and starts talking about how Tracy always gets special treatment, but Liz pacifies her, saying that she doesn't have to get special treatment because she's the sane one. "You're my rock." Jenna smiles one thousand watts, "It is amazing how grounded I've stayed despite my celebrite." Liz grimaces; sometimes Jenna is the worst person on the planet.
The break room, where Toofer and Josh are eating. Frank walks in, having changed his clothes. Now he is wearing a spiffy sport coat, golf pants with plaid socks, a sweater with big blue 'H', and has changed his hat to a bowler that reads "Harvard." So basically, he's Toofer. After Frank claims to be a member of the Signet Society, Toofer says that if he actually were, he would be wearing this pin," and he pulls his lapel out. Sure enough, look at that little prick. But Frank has already one-upped me. The camera pans down to his crotch and he lifts up his shirt to reveal a pin stuck to his fly. Josh: "Ha, your lame thing is on his pants." THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID. Oh, wait.
In the hallway, Tracy approaches Liz and Jenna, saying he's ready to head off to Japan, and all he needs is a snake-nanny. Liz bursts his bubble; she told them to just mail it to him. Tracy is very upset. Turns out he told his kids, who are very excited to see their dad get an award, so it at least has to be live via satellite. Even Liz saying it would have to be held at four in the morning due to the time difference doesn't dissuade him. "Perfect, just when I get back from Maiden Voyage, New York's first offshore gentleman's barge. I'm gonna get the kids and we comin' straight here." And off he goes, but oh! Here he comes again when he hears Jenna complaining about Liz actually setting that up for him. He says he wants all his "main playas" there with him to accept the award. This flatters Jenna enough to shut her up, thank you, but when he's gone, she just blames Liz. Liz gives Tracy anything he wants, but her, she can't even get a real exterminator to get rid of the squirrel in her dressing room. In the background, we see Kenneth the Page frantically rushing to and fro. So, there's technically more than one squirrel in that dressing room.
Everybody vs. Everybody
Later that evening, Liz exits an elevator in Jack's building and is greeted by a strange woman who tells her that all the guests have already arrived. Inside an almost empty room, Jack, C.C., and Kenneth are waiting for her. At dinner, Liz asks if everyone is here, and C.C. and Jack explain that they had a larger list but they had to cut people with status and connections, which pretty much left Liz, and then they added Kenneth so she'd have someone to talk to. Kenneth pulls out index cards, and, while looking at the ceiling, clears his throat and nervously asks Liz, "What's your favorite pizza topping? Mine's plain, but I like others." Meanwhile, Jack is telling C.C. that right now she is the most beautiful woman in the room, and Kenneth keeps on with the cards. "Tell me a painful story, about your teenage years." He casually puts his elbow on his dinner fork, which clanks against his plate. Liz chugs her champagne.
4:00 AM, the studio, the fake awards reception. Tracy's sons -- Tracy Jr. and George Foreman -- are asleep in the stadium seating. Tracy greets his faithful Pacific Rim followers, and then proceeds to thank literally everyone in the room or in his life, even "this Josh dude," except for Jenna. Wait: "A very special blonde lady." Could it be? No, he's thanking Shelley Long, aaand Jenna is pissed. And then Tracy sharks her. Back in her dressing room, Jenna is still adjusting her dress, but she isn't even upset about the sharking. She's upset that she came all the way in, got pretty, and he didn't even thank her. (Liz: "I did hear the janitor saying that your boobs looked good.") Jenna then decides that the only way she's going to get respect around here is to act like Tracy. "Now please get out of my dressing room so I can lock myself in it." And then she gets attacked by a squirrel.
Liz's office, the next day. In walks C.C., looking for her. Somehow they get around to the topic of last night's charade game, which basically involved C.C. and Jack reading each other's minds. C.C.: "It's like we share a brain or something." C.C. is sorry that Liz got stuck with Kenneth, who is the world's worst charade player, and it all ended with Liz screaming, "Hillbilly!" But the real reason C.C. is here is because Liz is the only one who knows about her and Jack, and she needs to talk. She's tired of sneaking around. (Cut to random scene in which C.C. is dressed up like either Mario or Luigi in the elevator in Jack's building.) C.C. says that if they're going to stay together, one of them has to give something up, but is Jack worth it? What would Liz do? Liz probably isn't the best person to ask as she "ate a Three Musketeers bar for breakfast and this bra is held together with tape." Liz asks C.C. if she's ever compromised for a man before, and no, C.C. hasn't. What a coincidence, neither has Liz. Then she smacks herself over the head: "Oh, God, it was my birthday yesterday!" Like, I just plum forgot. C.C. doesn't look thrilled, and leaves to go talk to Jack. Then Liz's bra breaks and she fixes it back up with some scotch tape. A real classy lady.
TGS Writer's Room. Here comes Toofer, dressed like Frank. Game on. Frank, and Frank's mother, and Frank's father, are all insulted by Toofer's costume. They come *this* close to actually hitting each other with their angry words (Josh: "Let's watch this instead of working!") but then Frank grabs his notes and storms out of the room.
Jack's office, where C.C. is waiting for him. She has great news: she convinced the Sheinhardt Wig plaintiffs to settle their orange complaints. Jack is thrilled -- a little less so when he finds out the settlement was five million dollars each ("That's NBA sexual assault money.") -- but still. C.C. said they deserved more, but she did this for him, for them. Now they can go public! Jack: "I'm still up for a big promotion. My colleagues still revile you. Maybe in a year or so we can reassess." C.C.: "Don't you understand what I've given up for you? Those little orange children deserved their day in court!" Jack's like, they got five million. Each. C.C.: "We were going to go on Oprah!" Jack starts hitting where it hurts, accusing C.C. of using the orange kids for political gain, but C.C. won't apologize for being ambitious. Jack: "You shouldn't. I like when a woman has ambition. It's like seeing a dog wearing clothes." But it's over, C.C. says she never should have listened to a woman who tapes her bra together. Jack looks thoughtful and rumbles, "Lemon." C.C. puts on a dark brown wig (Jack: "Everybody looks good in a Sheinhardt.") and leaves via the freight elevator, just like always.
Liz and Pete are at the coffee bar watching some lady ball melons (Wow). Liz is complaining that now she has two Tracys after Frank tells her that Jenna told a tour group that she was going to get them all pregnant. She asks the melon ball lady to trade jobs with her, but melon-baller is all, but if I don't ball these melons right the missus is gon kill me! On her way to second Tracy's dressing room to take care of the situation, Liz is intercepted by Frank and Toofer, who are in a "serious crisis." Liz is like, I have legitimate problems to deal with right now. Toofer: "But the Toofer/Frank rivalry has finally exploded." Liz: "No one cares." Jenna's dressing room, a very gay boy with red hair answers the door and when Liz asks if Jenna's in, he says, "Bitch, are you in here?" Jenna murmurs her assent. Methinks she has herself an entourage, and they ain't no Grizz and Dot Com. They call Liz "Melissa" a bunch and Jenna says she's going to get her eyeballs whitened. Eww. Liz is flabbergasted. Jenna: "This is what you get for taking me for granted all this time. Deal with that." And she snaps her way out. You know, if she had any other job, she would totally be fired by now.
Everybody Holds Hands and Sings Love Songs
Liz rushes through some doors and runs into Jack, who immediately starts berating her about the advice she gave C.C. He blames her putting the idea in her head, but she says she was just saying what everyone was thinking. Jack: "You just don't understand what I'm going through. Nobody understands what I'm going through." The elevator they are standing next to opens and inside we see James Carville, a notable Democrat who is famously married to a Republican. Jack gestures him away, "I'll take the next one, Carville." He does a double take and bounds onto the elevator. "Actually, have you got a minute?" Upstairs in Jack's office, he pours Carville a drink while grilling him on the details of his inter-political marriage. "How do you and Mary Matalin make it work? She's a brilliant, patriotic Republican strategist, and you. Well, let's face it. You're a pinko nutjob." Carville tells him that true love can weather any storm, "even Desert Storm," but that if it's the opinion of his peers he's worried about, he needs to get out there and break the news on his own terms. "Cajun style. Before your enemies find out. Cajun style." Jack's just like, I'm gonna get eated for breakfast. Carville: "Is it really the opinion of others that you're worried about, or are you learning something new about yourself, and you find that a little scary?" Carville points a finger into Jack's chest, as Jack has no words: "Cajun style." Carville out.
Back downstairs, Frank and Toofer are still wandering around the building in their ridiculous outfits, trying to find a way out of their feud. If they give it up now, they'll be "ridiculed" just like that time Lutz cried at the diamond commercial, but worse. Frank: "We're trapped in a political mine field. How are we gonna get out of it?" From off camera comes the voice of the Carville, this episode's deus ex political-machina. He tells the boys they need a new story. "Like Karl Rove did in the last election when he made it about gay folks and Swiftboat. What's your Swiftboat?" Frank and Toofer are like, uh, famous guy? "You didn't hear this from me, but Josh is starting to do something new with his hair." Toofer is drooling: "Are you James Carville?" Carville hands Frank a business card and tells him to drop him an email to let him know how it goes. Toofer is in black Harvard guy heaven. Carville walks away, sees a guy trying to steal candy from a vending machine, and offers to show him how it's done. "Cajun style."
Liz's office, enter Kenneth, there to introduce Jenna's new writer, the Guru Alexei, formerly of her entourage. Liz barely has time to register her outrage when Tracy barges in, demanding that if Jenna gets to leave early, he be allowed to do this week's show as his alter ego, Professor Cosmetosis. And when he says "Professor Cosmetosis," he does the robot and gets all glassy-eyed. I can't really explain it, but then again, I can't really explain most of Tracy Jordan with words; he must be seen with eyes, heard with ears.
Liz finds Jenna getting ready for a nap on her couch -- only to be woken for Andy Dick. Liz wants to know if it's fun for her, being difficult. Jenna: "Oh, it is. I should have been doing it the whole time." But Liz has news for her: "You have been, Jenna. You have always been difficult. You think Tracy gets special treatment?" She doesn't think, she knows. Liz: "Uh huh, well I coddle the crap out of you, too." Her online fanclub? That's Liz; "I made Frank set that up as a punishment after he farted in my chair." That morning radio show the other week? "Every caller was me." (Liz as Sanjay: "I am loving all of your characters!") And the award she just got? Liz picks it up and takes a bite out of it. "It's a cookie." With a mouthful of award-cookie, she continues: "I don't want to do this stuff, but I have to because you're so insecure you get jealous of babies for their soft skin." ("And how much attention they get.") But Liz is on a roll. She tells Jenna she's spent years of her life taking care of her. "I lie awake at night wondering what fresh hell tomorrow will bring." She doesn't eat, she doesn't sleep right, thanks to Jenna and Tracy Jordan. "Mostly you." This perversely makes Jenna incredibly. Oh, Liz, that's all she wanted to hear. She bounces off the couch and starts kissing Liz all over her face, her entourage watching. Liz: "Not in front of the gays."
Later that afternoon, Frank and Toofer enter the TGS Writer's room in their normal clothes. Lutz rags on them for giving up on their "lame feud," but the boys are ready to deflect. "Hey," says Frank, pointing kind of maniacally, "what's up with Josh's new haircut?" Tracy jumps in, calling Josh's hair a fro-hawk, "What do you think you're better than us?" Now Josh is on the defensive, but Liz really nails him into his coffin with a new nickname for him: Dr. Haircut. Everybody laughs, and Josh tries to defend himself. "It's not even my normal barber . . . my mom did it." Liz starts pounding the table and chanting, everyone joining in together in mutual alliance against Josh's hair: "Dr. Haircut, Dr. Haircut." Tracy is in slo-mo, Josh is annoyed, and Frank is emailing James Carville. Success!
C.C. exits the elevator and immediately hands Jack his John Legend CD. "I don't know why it was so urgent you have it before noon." But it was just an excuse. He invites her to lunch; he has a plan, does she trust him? "Oh, God, I don't know. I'm forty-three, and you have great hair. I can let this play out a little longer." And he whisks her away . . . to the executive dining room. She wants to know if he's trying to get her killed, but he assures her everything is going to be okay. He grabs a wineglass and dings it with a fork; everyone in the dining room turns to look. Jack: "Gentleman, token ladies. I have an announcement. Some of you may or may not recognize the woman standing beside me. Her name is Celeste Cunningham and she is a Democratic Congresswoman (people shake their heads frantically and murmur, but Jack only pauses slightly) from the state of Vermont, and she is my lover (more shocked faces). Jack pulls her closer. "That's right. She's my liberal, hippy-dippy mama. My groovy chick. My old lady. She was our chief adversary during the Sheinhardt Wig hearings (C.C. looks up at the ceiling). She wants to tax us to death and make it legal for a man to marry his own dog. But I think what we have is special, and I'm proud of her (awwwww), and I'm not going to hide it any longer. I'm Jack Donaghy, dammit, and this is my woman."
The room is very quiet; Jack and C.C. wait for a reaction. Suddenly, an older, balding fellow with glasses stands up and says, "I, I gave to NPR last year." Murmurs. A woman: "My children go to public school." Outrage! Man in yellow tie: "I'm gay." Black man in red tie: "I'm black." C.C. turns to Jack, so happy, and thanks him. "And I just want you to know that in 1984, I voted** for Ronald Reagan." The room erupts in applause and happiness, and just when you think you're safe, this other old guy stands up and goes: "I murdered my wife." Fade to black, see you next week! I love this show.
*Deliberately misspelled to reflect the diction of our favorite mentally ill movie star.
**Happy Election Day tomorrow! Get excited!
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Season Two, Episode 8
Original Airdate: December 6, 2007
Written By: Ron Weiner
Directed By: Michael Engler
Starring: Scott Adsit as Pete Hornberger
Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy
Edie Falco as Celeste "C.C." Cunningham
Tina Fey as Liz Lemon
Judah Friedlander as Frank Rossitano
Jane Krakowski as Jenna Maroney
Tracy Morgan as Tracy Jordan
Jack McBrayer as Kenneth Parcell
Keith Powell as James "Toofer" Spurlock
Synopsis: C.C. and Jack face a block in their relationship when C.C. decides to go public about the affair but Jack refuses. Meanwhile, Liz struggles to keep both Tracy and Jenna happy when the two find it hard to share the spotlight, while Frank makes fun of Toofer's Harvard education with bizarre results.
Trivia: This episode had first been performed live at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater on November 19, 2007 to benefit the show's production assistants in the wake of the Writers' Guild strike, complete with mock commercials. Paula Pell played C.C. instead of Edie Falco.
Why It's on the List: Every episode of 30 Rock makes me laugh so hard that I forget how old I am, and the laughter has that hysterical quality that only five year olds hearing the word "fart" seem to possess. Perhaps because this is the first episode I ever saw, or perhaps I just love Alec Baldwin and Edie Falco together, or even perhaps because the message this episode sends is one I think we all need to hear -- this episode couldn't have come at a better time. Yes, folks, it's education versus porn. The mentally insane versus the incredibly needy. Democrats and Republicans, in love! There is hope in the world.
Extra Goodies: Watch the Episode, Screencaps
In Flagrante
30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York City. Jack Donaghy, Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming for NBC, and his secret lady love Celeste "C.C." Cunningham, Democratic Congresswoman from -- gasp! -- Vermont, are in the middle of an illicit embrace in that very epicenter of degenerate capitalism, his office. Just like in the movies, she leans into him and he rumbles in her ear. It's all very romantic and dangerous. She's worried about getting caught, but Jack assures her it's too early for the "creative types" and that he sent his assistant to a non-existent bakery in Queens. (Cut to Queens, where said sycophant is screaming frantically at a mechanic about some Italian pastry.)
C.C. is still worried, but Jack silences her with a gruff order: "Take off your pantsuit." C.C. turns in his arms, not complaining in the slightest. Just then, in barges Liz Lemon, who immediately is horrified and holds up her manila envelope to block her view. "Oh, workplace!" Jack and C.C. break up apart hurriedly and Jack tries lamely to cover. Liz may be there early because she gave up caffeine ("I've been going to bed at 5:30."), but even she isn't buying that Jack's "workplace acquaintance" is named LaKeisha Gutierrez Arafat. Liz introduces herself and tries to deflect the tension by babbling about her rape whistle turned necklace, and then fleeing with a look of intense glee on her face. Lemon out. Credits.
Everybody Got Problems
30 Rock, the TGS Writer's Room. In walks Frank, wearing a Harvard sweatshirt. Toofer is immediately incensed and tells him to take it off, "You didn't go to Harvard." Frank disagrees. He went, he did stand-up, and he got a "squeezer from an Indian girl on a bunk bed," so he's pretty sure he got the whole Harvard experience. Liz walks in and agrees that it does sound pretty accurate. Cut to Toofer, who calmly (but angrily) states, "You're just trying to get a rise out of me, Sir, and you do not want to make a Harvard man angry." Everyone laughs and Frank bends over, making an 'O' face. Poor Toofer, nobody takes him seriously.
Liz enters her office to find Jack chillin' on the couch. He's like, here's the deal, Lemon, that woman was not my colleague, "We are lovers." Liz: "Oh. That word bums me out unless it's between the word meat and pizza." Jack ignores Liz and continues. He tells her about C.C. aka Celeste Cunningham, "the woman who's trying to destroy this company for allegedly turning some children orange." Liz is open-mouthed, as you can see, but Jack has a dilemma. How can he be with C.C. with GE's strict "Bros before Hos policy"? Liz thinks this means he has feelings for her, but Jack is just as squicked out with that word as Liz is about "lovers." He tells her that yes, it's serious, and he wants her to meet some of his friends, and invites her to a dinner party for that night. Liz is flattered at first, but then Jack quickly ruins the moment by telling her "not to dress like a small-town lesbian." Jack covers his exit by announcing Liz's new "alopecia" problem, and with the writers all staring, Liz shuts the door of her office. "I don't have that . . . very hairy."
TGS rehearsal. In walks Jenna Maroney, holding a tiny circular trophy. Hey, looks like she won an award. Remember when she filmed that movie version of the Mystic Pizza musical? (Everybody: "No. No I don't.") Turns out the NY City Critics Association wants to honor her in their "Best Actress in a Movie Based on a Musical Based on a Movie" category. As Liz is offering her congratulations, off camera, Tracy Jordan shouts, "Okay, enough!" He huffs over to the stage, complaining about all the award talk. There are more important things, like "Where are the French fries I did not aks* for? You guys need to anticipate me!" In the background, some lackey goes running off to find Tracy some fries, but it's too late. Tracy storms out of rehearsal, and Liz is like, I hate my life. Pete: "Oh, no. I talked to him last time when he wanted to change his name to Wise Greasy Bastard." Liz, resigned to her fate: "I know."
Tracy's dressing room. Liz finds Tracy pouting on his obnoxious orange couch (probably the same color as those children poisoned by GE's parent, The Sheinhardt Wig Company). The problem is obvious; Tracy is upset that he never wins awards. Everybody wins awards except him, he says, "Even Shaquille O'Neal got a Kids Choice Award for that animated movie we did." Cut to a very cheesy and spectacular shot of said film, featuring a green mermaid Shaquille and an apparently homosexual Octopus Tracy. (Octopus: "Would you call what we did last night sex?") Back to the dressing room. He didn't get nothing for making that movie except a million dollars and a yellow Bentley. "Nothing!" He picks up a coffee cup, and tells Liz that his kids got it for him for Father's Day. It reads "World's #4 Dad." Tracy: "I'm a failure, Liz Lemon."
Let me pause here for an ode to Tracy Jordan. Mr. Jordan, never change; I love you. I love the way you say "aks," I love the way you run down the freeway in your underwear with a lightsaber, screaming "I am a Jedi!" I love the way you tell pigeons to stop eating people's old French fries and to have some self-respect because, "Don't you know you can fly!?" I love that you believe that "vampires are the world's greatest golfers, but their curse is they never get to prove it." But most of all I love the way your eyes bug comically from your head and the way that everything you say makes me pee my pants from laughter. Back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Tracy: "I think I'll just give up and try this crystal meth I been hearin' so much about." Liz rushes in, all "No, no, no," doesn't he know that he won an award? Didn't she tell him? But Tracy doesn't buy it. Liz is not to be deterred and tells Tracy that he is the proud recipient of a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Pacific Rim Emmy's. Tracy is very excited, not just about the award, but the fact that it's from Japan. He spent nine months there shooting his film Samurai, I Am Awry and he fell in love with their culture. "Especially sharking," which apparently is "when you run up on a lady in the streets and pull her tube top down while your friend videotapes it. It's considered a crime here. Thanks a lot, Puritans." And now Tracy is ready for rehearsal, as he doesn't want to disappoint his Japanese public, especially Godzilla. He laughs. "I'm just kiddin'. I know he doesn't care what humans do." On the way out, Liz catches Pete and tells him they need to make Tracy a Pacific Rim Emmy, and he's on it. Jenna walks up, still holding her award, and starts talking about how Tracy always gets special treatment, but Liz pacifies her, saying that she doesn't have to get special treatment because she's the sane one. "You're my rock." Jenna smiles one thousand watts, "It is amazing how grounded I've stayed despite my celebrite." Liz grimaces; sometimes Jenna is the worst person on the planet.
The break room, where Toofer and Josh are eating. Frank walks in, having changed his clothes. Now he is wearing a spiffy sport coat, golf pants with plaid socks, a sweater with big blue 'H', and has changed his hat to a bowler that reads "Harvard." So basically, he's Toofer. After Frank claims to be a member of the Signet Society, Toofer says that if he actually were, he would be wearing this pin," and he pulls his lapel out. Sure enough, look at that little prick. But Frank has already one-upped me. The camera pans down to his crotch and he lifts up his shirt to reveal a pin stuck to his fly. Josh: "Ha, your lame thing is on his pants." THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID. Oh, wait.
In the hallway, Tracy approaches Liz and Jenna, saying he's ready to head off to Japan, and all he needs is a snake-nanny. Liz bursts his bubble; she told them to just mail it to him. Tracy is very upset. Turns out he told his kids, who are very excited to see their dad get an award, so it at least has to be live via satellite. Even Liz saying it would have to be held at four in the morning due to the time difference doesn't dissuade him. "Perfect, just when I get back from Maiden Voyage, New York's first offshore gentleman's barge. I'm gonna get the kids and we comin' straight here." And off he goes, but oh! Here he comes again when he hears Jenna complaining about Liz actually setting that up for him. He says he wants all his "main playas" there with him to accept the award. This flatters Jenna enough to shut her up, thank you, but when he's gone, she just blames Liz. Liz gives Tracy anything he wants, but her, she can't even get a real exterminator to get rid of the squirrel in her dressing room. In the background, we see Kenneth the Page frantically rushing to and fro. So, there's technically more than one squirrel in that dressing room.
Everybody vs. Everybody
Later that evening, Liz exits an elevator in Jack's building and is greeted by a strange woman who tells her that all the guests have already arrived. Inside an almost empty room, Jack, C.C., and Kenneth are waiting for her. At dinner, Liz asks if everyone is here, and C.C. and Jack explain that they had a larger list but they had to cut people with status and connections, which pretty much left Liz, and then they added Kenneth so she'd have someone to talk to. Kenneth pulls out index cards, and, while looking at the ceiling, clears his throat and nervously asks Liz, "What's your favorite pizza topping? Mine's plain, but I like others." Meanwhile, Jack is telling C.C. that right now she is the most beautiful woman in the room, and Kenneth keeps on with the cards. "Tell me a painful story, about your teenage years." He casually puts his elbow on his dinner fork, which clanks against his plate. Liz chugs her champagne.
4:00 AM, the studio, the fake awards reception. Tracy's sons -- Tracy Jr. and George Foreman -- are asleep in the stadium seating. Tracy greets his faithful Pacific Rim followers, and then proceeds to thank literally everyone in the room or in his life, even "this Josh dude," except for Jenna. Wait: "A very special blonde lady." Could it be? No, he's thanking Shelley Long, aaand Jenna is pissed. And then Tracy sharks her. Back in her dressing room, Jenna is still adjusting her dress, but she isn't even upset about the sharking. She's upset that she came all the way in, got pretty, and he didn't even thank her. (Liz: "I did hear the janitor saying that your boobs looked good.") Jenna then decides that the only way she's going to get respect around here is to act like Tracy. "Now please get out of my dressing room so I can lock myself in it." And then she gets attacked by a squirrel.
Liz's office, the next day. In walks C.C., looking for her. Somehow they get around to the topic of last night's charade game, which basically involved C.C. and Jack reading each other's minds. C.C.: "It's like we share a brain or something." C.C. is sorry that Liz got stuck with Kenneth, who is the world's worst charade player, and it all ended with Liz screaming, "Hillbilly!" But the real reason C.C. is here is because Liz is the only one who knows about her and Jack, and she needs to talk. She's tired of sneaking around. (Cut to random scene in which C.C. is dressed up like either Mario or Luigi in the elevator in Jack's building.) C.C. says that if they're going to stay together, one of them has to give something up, but is Jack worth it? What would Liz do? Liz probably isn't the best person to ask as she "ate a Three Musketeers bar for breakfast and this bra is held together with tape." Liz asks C.C. if she's ever compromised for a man before, and no, C.C. hasn't. What a coincidence, neither has Liz. Then she smacks herself over the head: "Oh, God, it was my birthday yesterday!" Like, I just plum forgot. C.C. doesn't look thrilled, and leaves to go talk to Jack. Then Liz's bra breaks and she fixes it back up with some scotch tape. A real classy lady.
TGS Writer's Room. Here comes Toofer, dressed like Frank. Game on. Frank, and Frank's mother, and Frank's father, are all insulted by Toofer's costume. They come *this* close to actually hitting each other with their angry words (Josh: "Let's watch this instead of working!") but then Frank grabs his notes and storms out of the room.
Jack's office, where C.C. is waiting for him. She has great news: she convinced the Sheinhardt Wig plaintiffs to settle their orange complaints. Jack is thrilled -- a little less so when he finds out the settlement was five million dollars each ("That's NBA sexual assault money.") -- but still. C.C. said they deserved more, but she did this for him, for them. Now they can go public! Jack: "I'm still up for a big promotion. My colleagues still revile you. Maybe in a year or so we can reassess." C.C.: "Don't you understand what I've given up for you? Those little orange children deserved their day in court!" Jack's like, they got five million. Each. C.C.: "We were going to go on Oprah!" Jack starts hitting where it hurts, accusing C.C. of using the orange kids for political gain, but C.C. won't apologize for being ambitious. Jack: "You shouldn't. I like when a woman has ambition. It's like seeing a dog wearing clothes." But it's over, C.C. says she never should have listened to a woman who tapes her bra together. Jack looks thoughtful and rumbles, "Lemon." C.C. puts on a dark brown wig (Jack: "Everybody looks good in a Sheinhardt.") and leaves via the freight elevator, just like always.
Liz and Pete are at the coffee bar watching some lady ball melons (Wow). Liz is complaining that now she has two Tracys after Frank tells her that Jenna told a tour group that she was going to get them all pregnant. She asks the melon ball lady to trade jobs with her, but melon-baller is all, but if I don't ball these melons right the missus is gon kill me! On her way to second Tracy's dressing room to take care of the situation, Liz is intercepted by Frank and Toofer, who are in a "serious crisis." Liz is like, I have legitimate problems to deal with right now. Toofer: "But the Toofer/Frank rivalry has finally exploded." Liz: "No one cares." Jenna's dressing room, a very gay boy with red hair answers the door and when Liz asks if Jenna's in, he says, "Bitch, are you in here?" Jenna murmurs her assent. Methinks she has herself an entourage, and they ain't no Grizz and Dot Com. They call Liz "Melissa" a bunch and Jenna says she's going to get her eyeballs whitened. Eww. Liz is flabbergasted. Jenna: "This is what you get for taking me for granted all this time. Deal with that." And she snaps her way out. You know, if she had any other job, she would totally be fired by now.
Everybody Holds Hands and Sings Love Songs
Liz rushes through some doors and runs into Jack, who immediately starts berating her about the advice she gave C.C. He blames her putting the idea in her head, but she says she was just saying what everyone was thinking. Jack: "You just don't understand what I'm going through. Nobody understands what I'm going through." The elevator they are standing next to opens and inside we see James Carville, a notable Democrat who is famously married to a Republican. Jack gestures him away, "I'll take the next one, Carville." He does a double take and bounds onto the elevator. "Actually, have you got a minute?" Upstairs in Jack's office, he pours Carville a drink while grilling him on the details of his inter-political marriage. "How do you and Mary Matalin make it work? She's a brilliant, patriotic Republican strategist, and you. Well, let's face it. You're a pinko nutjob." Carville tells him that true love can weather any storm, "even Desert Storm," but that if it's the opinion of his peers he's worried about, he needs to get out there and break the news on his own terms. "Cajun style. Before your enemies find out. Cajun style." Jack's just like, I'm gonna get eated for breakfast. Carville: "Is it really the opinion of others that you're worried about, or are you learning something new about yourself, and you find that a little scary?" Carville points a finger into Jack's chest, as Jack has no words: "Cajun style." Carville out.
Back downstairs, Frank and Toofer are still wandering around the building in their ridiculous outfits, trying to find a way out of their feud. If they give it up now, they'll be "ridiculed" just like that time Lutz cried at the diamond commercial, but worse. Frank: "We're trapped in a political mine field. How are we gonna get out of it?" From off camera comes the voice of the Carville, this episode's deus ex political-machina. He tells the boys they need a new story. "Like Karl Rove did in the last election when he made it about gay folks and Swiftboat. What's your Swiftboat?" Frank and Toofer are like, uh, famous guy? "You didn't hear this from me, but Josh is starting to do something new with his hair." Toofer is drooling: "Are you James Carville?" Carville hands Frank a business card and tells him to drop him an email to let him know how it goes. Toofer is in black Harvard guy heaven. Carville walks away, sees a guy trying to steal candy from a vending machine, and offers to show him how it's done. "Cajun style."
Liz's office, enter Kenneth, there to introduce Jenna's new writer, the Guru Alexei, formerly of her entourage. Liz barely has time to register her outrage when Tracy barges in, demanding that if Jenna gets to leave early, he be allowed to do this week's show as his alter ego, Professor Cosmetosis. And when he says "Professor Cosmetosis," he does the robot and gets all glassy-eyed. I can't really explain it, but then again, I can't really explain most of Tracy Jordan with words; he must be seen with eyes, heard with ears.
Liz finds Jenna getting ready for a nap on her couch -- only to be woken for Andy Dick. Liz wants to know if it's fun for her, being difficult. Jenna: "Oh, it is. I should have been doing it the whole time." But Liz has news for her: "You have been, Jenna. You have always been difficult. You think Tracy gets special treatment?" She doesn't think, she knows. Liz: "Uh huh, well I coddle the crap out of you, too." Her online fanclub? That's Liz; "I made Frank set that up as a punishment after he farted in my chair." That morning radio show the other week? "Every caller was me." (Liz as Sanjay: "I am loving all of your characters!") And the award she just got? Liz picks it up and takes a bite out of it. "It's a cookie." With a mouthful of award-cookie, she continues: "I don't want to do this stuff, but I have to because you're so insecure you get jealous of babies for their soft skin." ("And how much attention they get.") But Liz is on a roll. She tells Jenna she's spent years of her life taking care of her. "I lie awake at night wondering what fresh hell tomorrow will bring." She doesn't eat, she doesn't sleep right, thanks to Jenna and Tracy Jordan. "Mostly you." This perversely makes Jenna incredibly. Oh, Liz, that's all she wanted to hear. She bounces off the couch and starts kissing Liz all over her face, her entourage watching. Liz: "Not in front of the gays."
Later that afternoon, Frank and Toofer enter the TGS Writer's room in their normal clothes. Lutz rags on them for giving up on their "lame feud," but the boys are ready to deflect. "Hey," says Frank, pointing kind of maniacally, "what's up with Josh's new haircut?" Tracy jumps in, calling Josh's hair a fro-hawk, "What do you think you're better than us?" Now Josh is on the defensive, but Liz really nails him into his coffin with a new nickname for him: Dr. Haircut. Everybody laughs, and Josh tries to defend himself. "It's not even my normal barber . . . my mom did it." Liz starts pounding the table and chanting, everyone joining in together in mutual alliance against Josh's hair: "Dr. Haircut, Dr. Haircut." Tracy is in slo-mo, Josh is annoyed, and Frank is emailing James Carville. Success!
C.C. exits the elevator and immediately hands Jack his John Legend CD. "I don't know why it was so urgent you have it before noon." But it was just an excuse. He invites her to lunch; he has a plan, does she trust him? "Oh, God, I don't know. I'm forty-three, and you have great hair. I can let this play out a little longer." And he whisks her away . . . to the executive dining room. She wants to know if he's trying to get her killed, but he assures her everything is going to be okay. He grabs a wineglass and dings it with a fork; everyone in the dining room turns to look. Jack: "Gentleman, token ladies. I have an announcement. Some of you may or may not recognize the woman standing beside me. Her name is Celeste Cunningham and she is a Democratic Congresswoman (people shake their heads frantically and murmur, but Jack only pauses slightly) from the state of Vermont, and she is my lover (more shocked faces). Jack pulls her closer. "That's right. She's my liberal, hippy-dippy mama. My groovy chick. My old lady. She was our chief adversary during the Sheinhardt Wig hearings (C.C. looks up at the ceiling). She wants to tax us to death and make it legal for a man to marry his own dog. But I think what we have is special, and I'm proud of her (awwwww), and I'm not going to hide it any longer. I'm Jack Donaghy, dammit, and this is my woman."
The room is very quiet; Jack and C.C. wait for a reaction. Suddenly, an older, balding fellow with glasses stands up and says, "I, I gave to NPR last year." Murmurs. A woman: "My children go to public school." Outrage! Man in yellow tie: "I'm gay." Black man in red tie: "I'm black." C.C. turns to Jack, so happy, and thanks him. "And I just want you to know that in 1984, I voted** for Ronald Reagan." The room erupts in applause and happiness, and just when you think you're safe, this other old guy stands up and goes: "I murdered my wife." Fade to black, see you next week! I love this show.
*Deliberately misspelled to reflect the diction of our favorite mentally ill movie star.
**Happy Election Day tomorrow! Get excited!