a land without coffee
Basically for the last three days, I've been living in a foreign country.
Salt Lake City: a place where there are tall trees, luscious fields of grass, and seagulls. A place where everybody knows their neighbors, there are twenty-five weddings happening at all times, money grows on trees, and where everybody's poop smells like roses. In Salt Lake City, there are babies everywhere with beautiful and young, but modestly dressed, mothers. This is a place where the line "in case God doesn't show" is censored from Fall Out Boy's "Thnks fr th Mmrs," it is the goal of all young girls to create modest high-fashion in New York City, and nobody knows what you're talking about when you scream, "Mom! THE MEATLOAF!" If you were to go back in time and give the people living in the 1950s computers, the Wii, cell phones, iPods, and unlimited access to the internet, I'd imagine that something very like Utah would be the result. Oh, but no coffee.
How do I know this? Having not had a drop of caffeine in two days, I asked the bride's sister if there was a coffee shop anywhere nearby and she said, "Um, I think there's one about twenty-five minutes from here." RIGHT. Also, no swearing, no short skirts or spaghetti straps, and the cab drivers play religious radio stations. Basically, even though these were just about some of the nicest and friendliest people I've ever met, I felt like the whore of Babylon the entire time. Every time I walked into a room I thought, they can tell . . . I am not one of them. I mean, I half expected them to swarm me, like in some strange horror movie. They would be all, "YOU DO NOT BELONG HERE." Mormon zombies. Except they'd probably do it really polite-like.
Other highlights of the trip included:
Salt Lake City: a place where there are tall trees, luscious fields of grass, and seagulls. A place where everybody knows their neighbors, there are twenty-five weddings happening at all times, money grows on trees, and where everybody's poop smells like roses. In Salt Lake City, there are babies everywhere with beautiful and young, but modestly dressed, mothers. This is a place where the line "in case God doesn't show" is censored from Fall Out Boy's "Thnks fr th Mmrs," it is the goal of all young girls to create modest high-fashion in New York City, and nobody knows what you're talking about when you scream, "Mom! THE MEATLOAF!" If you were to go back in time and give the people living in the 1950s computers, the Wii, cell phones, iPods, and unlimited access to the internet, I'd imagine that something very like Utah would be the result. Oh, but no coffee.
How do I know this? Having not had a drop of caffeine in two days, I asked the bride's sister if there was a coffee shop anywhere nearby and she said, "Um, I think there's one about twenty-five minutes from here." RIGHT. Also, no swearing, no short skirts or spaghetti straps, and the cab drivers play religious radio stations. Basically, even though these were just about some of the nicest and friendliest people I've ever met, I felt like the whore of Babylon the entire time. Every time I walked into a room I thought, they can tell . . . I am not one of them. I mean, I half expected them to swarm me, like in some strange horror movie. They would be all, "YOU DO NOT BELONG HERE." Mormon zombies. Except they'd probably do it really polite-like.
Other highlights of the trip included:
- Sitting next to a nice Korean couple on the way in who proceeded to Miso soup and sushi right in front of me.
- Arriving at the airport and being greeted by probably an entire congregation waiting for Elder Johnson to come home.
- Leaving the reception to go and buy a sandwich, because they didn't serve dinner, only dessert.
- Accidentally saying "crap" in front of the bride's grandparents and then getting a fierce elbow from my sister for saying it.
- Going to a Mormon bookstore.
- Visiting the world's tiniest apartment building.
- Finding out that my sister's best friend was an extra in High School Musical 3.
- Seeing, like, fifteen weddings happen at the same time at the Mormon temple.
- Getting motion sick on the plane back.
- Sitting next to a forty year old woman who was clearly stuck in 1995. Midriff baring sweater spaghetti strap, hoop earrings, high waisted jeans without back-pockets, and a big necklace. It was like looking at Kelly Kapowski gone to seed. (She also had a huge carry-on that she tried to shove under the seat so hard that she ripped her cushion off. I felt kinda bad for her, except I was trying not puke all over her face, so I just sat there probably looking like the world's biggest biatch. I mean, who wears sunglasses on an airplane? Oh, wait, that's me!)