let's do the time warp again
I was sitting in the recliner minding my own business yesterday when my mom pops in and dumps an old box full of around two hundred old photos in my lap. "I'm gonna throw these away, so if you want some, take them now." And this is what I found:
The Ancient of Days
a1. My dad in his sweet ride: the puke yellow Cadillac, circa 1976, with his sweet, 70s hair.
a2. The 1977 Ohio State marching band. Losers.
(We're so much cooler:
...because we blow things up....
...and act like wild animals.)
a3. My Dad (right) and Uncle Eddie, also my godfather and my Dad's best friend. He's dead now, in case you were
wondering. But look how stupid my Dad looks. That's where I get it from, guys.
I Had No Hair
b1. Let's observe: Specimen A is clearly enjoying herself picking weeds in the grass
and minding her own business, but Specimen B is obviously very unhappy. What could have
happened in the interval? The world will never know.
b2. Why do I look so happy? What's so special about a raccoon? It could have rabies.
b3. This picture reminds me of Ernest Hemingway.
b4. The dress that ate Milwaukee, 1986.
b5. Having clearly survived the clutches of the dressmonster, the next morning I begin my now
legendary career in being a prodigy Tinkerbell piano player.
b6. The getaway vehicle. And yes, I know you were all wondering, that is exactly what my butt still
looks like.
The Beginning of the Awkward Years (the end nowhere in sight....)
c1. The little blonde angel with her halo of hair and the geek with her knobbly knees, Florida 1992.
c2. My favorite part of this picture is the way that the little blonde angel is enveloped in light with
her perfect hair and button nose and the devil on the right is scowling in the dark, too lame to even wear her
Halloween costume without a shirt underneath.
c4. Funny story about this picture, besides the idiotic look on my face and my ginormous front teeth. The
Barbie motor home, of which I am clearly ecstatic over, was too big to wrap so my mom had to hide it in
the closet and tell me to go get her a coat in the middle of Christmas morning, except I was too much of
an airhead to even see it and I just brought her the coat and sat back down. She laughed at me the rest of the day. Actually, she's still laughing at me. Damn you, woman.
And, clearly, I haven't changed a bit. My great talent for being caught in awkward poses has persisted. Please see the following bits of evidence:
Exhibit A
Neeeeeeerrrrm...PEN MISSILE!
Exhibit B
"Look, Ma, candy corn!!!! HAHAHA."
Exhibit C
Wait, let me see if I can just stick my tongue out so it's more vulgar. Ok, there, got it!
The Ancient of Days
a1. My dad in his sweet ride: the puke yellow Cadillac, circa 1976, with his sweet, 70s hair.
a2. The 1977 Ohio State marching band. Losers.
(We're so much cooler:
...because we blow things up....
...and act like wild animals.)
a3. My Dad (right) and Uncle Eddie, also my godfather and my Dad's best friend. He's dead now, in case you were
wondering. But look how stupid my Dad looks. That's where I get it from, guys.
I Had No Hair
b1. Let's observe: Specimen A is clearly enjoying herself picking weeds in the grass
and minding her own business, but Specimen B is obviously very unhappy. What could have
happened in the interval? The world will never know.
b2. Why do I look so happy? What's so special about a raccoon? It could have rabies.
b3. This picture reminds me of Ernest Hemingway.
b4. The dress that ate Milwaukee, 1986.
b5. Having clearly survived the clutches of the dressmonster, the next morning I begin my now
legendary career in being a prodigy Tinkerbell piano player.
b6. The getaway vehicle. And yes, I know you were all wondering, that is exactly what my butt still
looks like.
The Beginning of the Awkward Years (the end nowhere in sight....)
c1. The little blonde angel with her halo of hair and the geek with her knobbly knees, Florida 1992.
c2. My favorite part of this picture is the way that the little blonde angel is enveloped in light with
her perfect hair and button nose and the devil on the right is scowling in the dark, too lame to even wear her
Halloween costume without a shirt underneath.
c4. Funny story about this picture, besides the idiotic look on my face and my ginormous front teeth. The
Barbie motor home, of which I am clearly ecstatic over, was too big to wrap so my mom had to hide it in
the closet and tell me to go get her a coat in the middle of Christmas morning, except I was too much of
an airhead to even see it and I just brought her the coat and sat back down. She laughed at me the rest of the day. Actually, she's still laughing at me. Damn you, woman.
And, clearly, I haven't changed a bit. My great talent for being caught in awkward poses has persisted. Please see the following bits of evidence:
Exhibit A
Neeeeeeerrrrm...PEN MISSILE!
Exhibit B
"Look, Ma, candy corn!!!! HAHAHA."
Exhibit C
Wait, let me see if I can just stick my tongue out so it's more vulgar. Ok, there, got it!