My Holiday
I realised that I have not written about my holiday this year, so I thought this might be the proper time to chronicle the events that took place this summer when my best friend and I were inflicted on the Britons. Some of the strongest impressions we were left with were that the English really like to drink on public transportation, and they really do not like to recycle bottles. Where we live recycling bottles is practised religiously. It isn’t some newfangled thing, either, it predates my birth and goes back to glass bottles. Every time we were forced to throw away a bottle we wept quietly. Also, Irn Brew. Irn Brew is a Scottish soda that we at first thought stood for something really cool and Scottish, but turned out to be an abbreviation of Iron Brew, as the producers were forced to change the name since it in fact did not contain iron. If you are ever in Scotland, or the vicinity, or in fact anywhere they sell Irn Brew, buy a bottle. It’s the best beverage in the world.
LONDON, THE CAPITAL OF AN EMPIRE
CAMILLE: And then we visited the British National Gallery.
MY MOTHER: …The British National Gallery?
CAMILLE: We saw portraits by Holbein and da Vinci!
MY MOTHER: ...
CAMILLE: Works that combined brush strokes and lighting to create an entirely new technique!
MY MOTHER: …
CAMILLE: Masterpieces that inspired the renaissance!
MY MOTHER: …
CAMILLE: It was free.
MY BEST FRIEND: Also it was raining. You forgot the part where it was raining.
EDINBURGH
KEEPER OF THE INN: Greeted be ye, says I! Aye, me lasses, ye be needin’ a bunk this morn’?
MY MOTHER: He was a pirate?
CAMILLE: No. Scottish.
EDINBURGH, PROUD HOME OF THE SCOTS
CAMILLE: Isn’t the pattern on that guy’s kilt the same as the one on what you bought?
MY BEST FRIEND: I don’t know. Let us look closer.
AFTER A CERTAIN PERIOD OF TIME
MY BEST FRIEND: Dude, we need to stop looking at this guy’s kilt.
CAMILLE: There is really only so long you can look at someone’s kilt.
SCOTLAND, PROUD HOME OF MORE SCOTS
MY BEST FRIEND: I am kind of bummed by the lack of people who talk like Sean Biggerstaff.
CAMILLE: I am kind of bummed by the lack of Sean Biggerstaff.
UPON VIEWING MAP OF EIRE AND NORTHERN IRELAND
MY BEST FRIEND: It’s really absurd the way that they’re separated into two countries. They should be like, like one country!
CAMILLE: Others have had the same thought.
GALWAY, ARRIVING AFTER DARK
CREEPY LANDLADY: *does not come out, and does not ask us to come in*
WE: *step in, hesitantly*
CAMILLE, POLITELY: Wow, nice interior decorating! Lots of…mirrors.
MY BEST FRIEND: We need to buy something, is there an open store somewhere around here?
CREEPY LANDLADY: *swirls around* You don’t want to do that. Going out after dark. You really don’t want to do that.
THE NEXT DAY
MY BEST FRIEND, EQUALLY POLITELY: This is such a pretty town.
CAMILLE: Which is funny, really, because we only came here because there was this vampire in this television series…
CREEPY LANDLADY: Ahahahah, we know not of this Angelus that you speak! Hahahah!
LONDON, THE CAPITAL OF AN EMPIRE
CAMILLE: And then we visited the British National Gallery.
MY MOTHER: …The British National Gallery?
CAMILLE: We saw portraits by Holbein and da Vinci!
MY MOTHER: ...
CAMILLE: Works that combined brush strokes and lighting to create an entirely new technique!
MY MOTHER: …
CAMILLE: Masterpieces that inspired the renaissance!
MY MOTHER: …
CAMILLE: It was free.
MY BEST FRIEND: Also it was raining. You forgot the part where it was raining.
EDINBURGH
KEEPER OF THE INN: Greeted be ye, says I! Aye, me lasses, ye be needin’ a bunk this morn’?
MY MOTHER: He was a pirate?
CAMILLE: No. Scottish.
EDINBURGH, PROUD HOME OF THE SCOTS
CAMILLE: Isn’t the pattern on that guy’s kilt the same as the one on what you bought?
MY BEST FRIEND: I don’t know. Let us look closer.
AFTER A CERTAIN PERIOD OF TIME
MY BEST FRIEND: Dude, we need to stop looking at this guy’s kilt.
CAMILLE: There is really only so long you can look at someone’s kilt.
SCOTLAND, PROUD HOME OF MORE SCOTS
MY BEST FRIEND: I am kind of bummed by the lack of people who talk like Sean Biggerstaff.
CAMILLE: I am kind of bummed by the lack of Sean Biggerstaff.
UPON VIEWING MAP OF EIRE AND NORTHERN IRELAND
MY BEST FRIEND: It’s really absurd the way that they’re separated into two countries. They should be like, like one country!
CAMILLE: Others have had the same thought.
GALWAY, ARRIVING AFTER DARK
CREEPY LANDLADY: *does not come out, and does not ask us to come in*
WE: *step in, hesitantly*
CAMILLE, POLITELY: Wow, nice interior decorating! Lots of…mirrors.
MY BEST FRIEND: We need to buy something, is there an open store somewhere around here?
CREEPY LANDLADY: *swirls around* You don’t want to do that. Going out after dark. You really don’t want to do that.
THE NEXT DAY
MY BEST FRIEND, EQUALLY POLITELY: This is such a pretty town.
CAMILLE: Which is funny, really, because we only came here because there was this vampire in this television series…
CREEPY LANDLADY: Ahahahah, we know not of this Angelus that you speak! Hahahah!