(no subject)
i don't have faith in anything, and i don't have much of anything. but anything of value that i do have, i would fight to the death to keep it. isn't that what you're supposed to do? if you want something, aren't you supposed to do everything in your power to make it happen? if you believe you have something worth fighting for, aren't you supposed to fight for it? but when do you know when it's time to stop fighting? no one ever tells you that. no one ever tells you when it's time to give up and i think that's because you're not supposed to give up. you're supposed to keep fighting until you get it, because you want it and you feel as though you deserve it. even if you never get it, fighting for it is supposed to be of some relief because you at least know that you tried. but i think that kind of sucks more.....trying to hard to get it and never having it. it is always within my reach. i can touch it, i can smell it, i can feel it, and as soon as i get too close, it gets taken away from me.
i don't think i'm too bad of a person, but i guess no one really thinks they are. i am honest with myself, i know all my flaws, i know when i fuck up. i know what goes on in my head, i know my intentions, and i know when my heart is in the right place or not, regardless of what my actions show. i know i have done a lot of things when i was younger that i'm not proud of, but those things shouldnt be held against me. you're not supposed to make good decisions when you're a teenager. you're supposed to be young and stupid and make mistakes so you can learn from them so you can be mature. i try not to regret things i have done. they are in the past and i want to leave them there. i am not the person i used to be, and i'm not going to be the person i am today for much longer either. with life experiences, good or bad, you take from them and learn from them. just because you have done things in the past doesn't mean you will always do those things. sometimes something in you just clicks and you realize you don't want to do that shit anymore, you don't want to be that person anymore and you learn from your experiences.
i never felt appreciated or respected or loved or wanted growing up. my own father won't call me by my name, he does shit he could go to jail for, and no matter how good my grades are, how i look, anything, it was never good enough. i was never good enough. so i grow up constantly trying to seek approval, constantly seeking to find love, anywhere. i see how other families interact, i see people in loving relationships in movies and TV, and i fucking want it too. so when i was younger, i looked everywhere for it. anyone that would go out with me, i probably went out with, just in case they would love me. just for once in my to feel like i actually mattered to someone, and i didnt care who, i just wanted to feel that way. i didn't pray for much, but all i ever did pray for was for god to send me someone to love me. how fucked up is that? i spent so many years chasing it, convincing myself i had it at times, and just repeating all the same bad patterns. and whenever someone good was interested in me, i didn't want to be with them because i felt like i didnt deserve it. i was never good enough, so dating someone that was actually a good person was out of the question because they'd eventually see that i'm a piece of shit and leave me, and i don't deal very well with being abandoned.
so after years of looking in the wrong places, i finally found it. i found someone that thinks im awesome, that thinks im smart, that thinks im beautiful. someone that believes i'm capable of great things. someone that appreciates and acknowledges what i do for them. i found someone that knew me, and loved me anyways. i don't think i could have been any happier or more in love then i was when we first got together. i used to freak out on him every so often and just cry because i felt like it was too good to be true and that he'd stop loving me. so i'd do things to push him away because i feel like i don't deserve to be happy. because if i push him away, then at least i know it was because of what i did, and not because of who i am. it would be because i pushed him away, not because he stopped loving me. and by doing that, it just further fueled my self hatred, so my problems just got bigger.
i have always maintained that i'm not happy unless i'm miserable. depression is my home. that is where i'm comfortable because that is what i'm used to. i don't believe i deserve good things, so when good things come my way, i don't allow myself to have them. i am so used to being used, to being spoken down to, to being heart broken, to being left behind, that that is all i expect out of anyone. so it's like when i get too close to someone, i freak out and kind of hurry up the process before i care too much so it wont hurt so bad when i get hurt again.
i self medicate in the worst ways. i drink, i try to keep myself busy around other people, maybe try to find a new guy. and i dont want any of those things deep down. i just want something to keep from thinking about what hurts. i can't do that shit to myself anymore. it doesn't work. yea, maybe i'll spend less time in bed crying, but i'm still not doing anything positive for myself. after doing that shit so many times, it's time for something different. i have to look for the silver lining, no matter how hard it is to find, and focus on that. i have to start focusing on myself and doing good things for myself, because i don't totally hate myself anymore so i have to learn how to get out of the habit of sabotaging my happiness. i want to be happy. and they say you can't be happy with anyone else or love anyone else, unless you feel the same about yourself. so that will be my new goal. i've already been working on it.
i spend too much time worrying about other people. if they're happy, how they feel, if they mean what they say. i try too hard to fix things. i try so hard to be a good person, to be considerate, to own up to my mistakes, to make sure no one is upset by my actions but i think i need to start trying to be a strong person. i need to be the kind of person that demands respect, that stands up for their self, that doesnt give a fuck what anyone else thinks because i know myself better than anyone else and i know i'm a good person. i just dont know how to be that person, when i've been this person for so long.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13
1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels but do not have love, I have become a sounding [piece of] brass or a clashing cymbal. 2 And if I have the gift of prophesying and am acquainted with all the sacred secrets and all knowledge, and if I have all the faith so as to transplant mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 And if I give all my belongings to feed others, and if I hand over my body, that I may boast, but do not have love, I am not profited at all.
4 Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, 5 does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. 6 It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails. But whether there are [gifts of] prophesying, they will be done away with; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will be done away with. 9 For we have partial knowledge and we prophesy partially; 10 but when that which is complete arrives, that which is partial will be done away with. 11 When I was a babe, I used to speak as a babe, to think as a babe, to reason as a babe; but now that I have become a man, I have done away with the [traits] of a babe. 12 For at present we see in hazy outline by means of a metal mirror, but then it will be face to face. At present I know partially, but then I shall know accurately even as I am accurately known. 13 Now, however, there remain faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
i haven't had any spiritual inclination for a long time, but i just remembered that scripture. even if you don't believe in god or the bible or anything.......its a good one. i want that kind of love. i think i have it, or could have it.....we just need to work on things more. and i really like 11-13. i feel like that....i feel like i've been young and have done a lot of stupid shit, but ive grown up. i still have a long way to go but i certainly want to be that kind of person....and i really think i'm going to start applying myself. i've wasted so much time. i think i deserve a little satisfaction, with life and with myself.
i don't think i'm too bad of a person, but i guess no one really thinks they are. i am honest with myself, i know all my flaws, i know when i fuck up. i know what goes on in my head, i know my intentions, and i know when my heart is in the right place or not, regardless of what my actions show. i know i have done a lot of things when i was younger that i'm not proud of, but those things shouldnt be held against me. you're not supposed to make good decisions when you're a teenager. you're supposed to be young and stupid and make mistakes so you can learn from them so you can be mature. i try not to regret things i have done. they are in the past and i want to leave them there. i am not the person i used to be, and i'm not going to be the person i am today for much longer either. with life experiences, good or bad, you take from them and learn from them. just because you have done things in the past doesn't mean you will always do those things. sometimes something in you just clicks and you realize you don't want to do that shit anymore, you don't want to be that person anymore and you learn from your experiences.
i never felt appreciated or respected or loved or wanted growing up. my own father won't call me by my name, he does shit he could go to jail for, and no matter how good my grades are, how i look, anything, it was never good enough. i was never good enough. so i grow up constantly trying to seek approval, constantly seeking to find love, anywhere. i see how other families interact, i see people in loving relationships in movies and TV, and i fucking want it too. so when i was younger, i looked everywhere for it. anyone that would go out with me, i probably went out with, just in case they would love me. just for once in my to feel like i actually mattered to someone, and i didnt care who, i just wanted to feel that way. i didn't pray for much, but all i ever did pray for was for god to send me someone to love me. how fucked up is that? i spent so many years chasing it, convincing myself i had it at times, and just repeating all the same bad patterns. and whenever someone good was interested in me, i didn't want to be with them because i felt like i didnt deserve it. i was never good enough, so dating someone that was actually a good person was out of the question because they'd eventually see that i'm a piece of shit and leave me, and i don't deal very well with being abandoned.
so after years of looking in the wrong places, i finally found it. i found someone that thinks im awesome, that thinks im smart, that thinks im beautiful. someone that believes i'm capable of great things. someone that appreciates and acknowledges what i do for them. i found someone that knew me, and loved me anyways. i don't think i could have been any happier or more in love then i was when we first got together. i used to freak out on him every so often and just cry because i felt like it was too good to be true and that he'd stop loving me. so i'd do things to push him away because i feel like i don't deserve to be happy. because if i push him away, then at least i know it was because of what i did, and not because of who i am. it would be because i pushed him away, not because he stopped loving me. and by doing that, it just further fueled my self hatred, so my problems just got bigger.
i have always maintained that i'm not happy unless i'm miserable. depression is my home. that is where i'm comfortable because that is what i'm used to. i don't believe i deserve good things, so when good things come my way, i don't allow myself to have them. i am so used to being used, to being spoken down to, to being heart broken, to being left behind, that that is all i expect out of anyone. so it's like when i get too close to someone, i freak out and kind of hurry up the process before i care too much so it wont hurt so bad when i get hurt again.
i self medicate in the worst ways. i drink, i try to keep myself busy around other people, maybe try to find a new guy. and i dont want any of those things deep down. i just want something to keep from thinking about what hurts. i can't do that shit to myself anymore. it doesn't work. yea, maybe i'll spend less time in bed crying, but i'm still not doing anything positive for myself. after doing that shit so many times, it's time for something different. i have to look for the silver lining, no matter how hard it is to find, and focus on that. i have to start focusing on myself and doing good things for myself, because i don't totally hate myself anymore so i have to learn how to get out of the habit of sabotaging my happiness. i want to be happy. and they say you can't be happy with anyone else or love anyone else, unless you feel the same about yourself. so that will be my new goal. i've already been working on it.
i spend too much time worrying about other people. if they're happy, how they feel, if they mean what they say. i try too hard to fix things. i try so hard to be a good person, to be considerate, to own up to my mistakes, to make sure no one is upset by my actions but i think i need to start trying to be a strong person. i need to be the kind of person that demands respect, that stands up for their self, that doesnt give a fuck what anyone else thinks because i know myself better than anyone else and i know i'm a good person. i just dont know how to be that person, when i've been this person for so long.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13
1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels but do not have love, I have become a sounding [piece of] brass or a clashing cymbal. 2 And if I have the gift of prophesying and am acquainted with all the sacred secrets and all knowledge, and if I have all the faith so as to transplant mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 And if I give all my belongings to feed others, and if I hand over my body, that I may boast, but do not have love, I am not profited at all.
4 Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, 5 does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. 6 It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails. But whether there are [gifts of] prophesying, they will be done away with; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will be done away with. 9 For we have partial knowledge and we prophesy partially; 10 but when that which is complete arrives, that which is partial will be done away with. 11 When I was a babe, I used to speak as a babe, to think as a babe, to reason as a babe; but now that I have become a man, I have done away with the [traits] of a babe. 12 For at present we see in hazy outline by means of a metal mirror, but then it will be face to face. At present I know partially, but then I shall know accurately even as I am accurately known. 13 Now, however, there remain faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
i haven't had any spiritual inclination for a long time, but i just remembered that scripture. even if you don't believe in god or the bible or anything.......its a good one. i want that kind of love. i think i have it, or could have it.....we just need to work on things more. and i really like 11-13. i feel like that....i feel like i've been young and have done a lot of stupid shit, but ive grown up. i still have a long way to go but i certainly want to be that kind of person....and i really think i'm going to start applying myself. i've wasted so much time. i think i deserve a little satisfaction, with life and with myself.