(no subject)
ugh. just ugh.
so....i hate myself. i know, i know, what's new, right? and, i know, everything's gonna be ok and i'm gonna find someone to love me, and i'm not as unattractive as i think i am. but, damn. tonight's just one of those nights. earlier today i thought i looked cute. now, i feel horrible and disgusting. i know i have people in my life that love me and care about me, and thank god for them. AND, i know that the only thing that will change me is me. i just feel like i'll never get there, that hitting my goal isn't for me. it's someone else's accomplishment that i can never have. i don't believe i can do it. i really don't. and i'm scared to death to be skinny, cause what if i STILL don't like who i am? i mean, somewhere, really deep inside, i feel like i'll never like myself and i'll never be 150 lbs. never. and i don't feel like i have the right kind of support group here to do what i want to do. which only means that i have to depend on myself to do it (which i should anyway). grrrr.....god damn periods of personal growth. why do they have to be so hard?!?!
oh, and i'm not an idiot. i know that some of this was prompted by seeing danger and betti (apparently, it's spelled with an i) last weekend. damn, i wish i had time to see my counselor. well, b, you know what you have to do. put your head down and do it. all by yourself. it's your (my) body damnit. i can do it, i can do it.
*and, then i feel like a toolbox cause i have to say these things to myself*
hunger is your friend, right?
sigh. i have to be up in 6 hours to drive to bennington. and be there all day. and drive back. to go to the bar. i really think that i'm gonna need a nap.
to all the people out there tonight
who are comforting themselves
if you should happen to see my light
you can stop and ring my bell
cause i'm just sittin here in this sty
strewn with half-written songs
takin one breath at a time
nothing much
goin on
so....i hate myself. i know, i know, what's new, right? and, i know, everything's gonna be ok and i'm gonna find someone to love me, and i'm not as unattractive as i think i am. but, damn. tonight's just one of those nights. earlier today i thought i looked cute. now, i feel horrible and disgusting. i know i have people in my life that love me and care about me, and thank god for them. AND, i know that the only thing that will change me is me. i just feel like i'll never get there, that hitting my goal isn't for me. it's someone else's accomplishment that i can never have. i don't believe i can do it. i really don't. and i'm scared to death to be skinny, cause what if i STILL don't like who i am? i mean, somewhere, really deep inside, i feel like i'll never like myself and i'll never be 150 lbs. never. and i don't feel like i have the right kind of support group here to do what i want to do. which only means that i have to depend on myself to do it (which i should anyway). grrrr.....god damn periods of personal growth. why do they have to be so hard?!?!
oh, and i'm not an idiot. i know that some of this was prompted by seeing danger and betti (apparently, it's spelled with an i) last weekend. damn, i wish i had time to see my counselor. well, b, you know what you have to do. put your head down and do it. all by yourself. it's your (my) body damnit. i can do it, i can do it.
*and, then i feel like a toolbox cause i have to say these things to myself*
hunger is your friend, right?
sigh. i have to be up in 6 hours to drive to bennington. and be there all day. and drive back. to go to the bar. i really think that i'm gonna need a nap.
to all the people out there tonight
who are comforting themselves
if you should happen to see my light
you can stop and ring my bell
cause i'm just sittin here in this sty
strewn with half-written songs
takin one breath at a time
nothing much
goin on