pain
why is it that the mroe fun that i try to have the more pain i go through? WHy is it that no matter what i do, what i try happiness eludes me? HAve i known so little happiness in my life that i've completely forgotten how to be happy? And now i slide back down into my hole of despair and depression. A cold and numbing place that is more familiar than i like to think about. And as i slide back down into despair i bring back old habits that apparently dont die easily. But sometimes in life all we have is pain, and at least this way i can control some part of that pain and in essence control some part of who/what i am. But i so wish that everything could just be over, no more pain, no more numbness, no more hoping striving praying for a bit of happiness that i will never know. I know the life that i'm destined to live, i know how i will live and i know how i will die. And i hate both of them, i will never konw a moment of happiness in my life. I'm to far gone into my depression. THere is no way out for me i'm lost and as such all people that think they give a shit about me should stop. I dont want friends with me the further i slide down into my depression. I dont want people to care about me and worryabout me as they see me live in eternal depression. THough i am a ways off from back when i almost blew my head off, i still do wish i had pulled that trigger a year ago and ended it all, i dont think i'll get the courage to do it now if not then. And here i completely resign myself to the hell i live in, the hell that was crafted by satan to give me the most pain possible. I just hate my life so damn much. Why do i have to be me? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??? Please fucking tell me whats wrong with me. Everybody says nothings wrong with me well tahts is fucking bullshit. THere must be something fucked up with me and you people would all have to be blind not to notice.