03-16-05
To say the least today has not started out that great. I feel like someone just sunk a nice dull blade into my chest and just tried to rip out my heart. I just read Josh's journal and it's really killing me the kind of pain that Cory and I are giving him. Honestly I knew he wasnt getting better I just hoped that everytime he told me he was ok he really was ok and when we were talking and he was happy that he really was happy...like he sounded. Obviously he wasnt ok and all hope for him to be ok is pretty much gone. I just pretty much found out that I lost him as a friend because I know that if he cant be ok now, after talking on the phone with him for 3 hours and just laughing and joking around about stuff then apartly he's not going to be ok around me ever. I wish I could just be friends with him so badly but I cant hurt him everytime I talk to him, I know that everytime him and I talk he just hurts more and more. I hate to say it but there's nothing I can do and there's nobody I can turn to anymore. I want to be able to help him, I want him to be able to help me but it's not possible so pretty much him and I are just set alone...
You know last night I spent about an hour defending what I had with Cory against Jessi and Brandon. I kept saying all of this stuff to them and then at the end I was wondering if what I did was right. Brandon was mad because I gave Cory his sn because Cory just wanted to talk to him about his car. Cory messaged him, didnt do a single thing wrong and Brandon completely ignored him like he wasnt there, didnt say "Hey I dont want to talk or anything" he just ignored him. It was funny because he didnt even block him either, which is rather stupid in my opinion. After Cory was bugging him for a good long time I get this message from Brandon saying "Will to you tell that little bitch to leave me alone" so I got into this argument with Brandon about the whole thing. Jessi got on my back about how I was doing the same thing with Cory as I did with Jeff where I changed because I was with him. I'm not changing and when I talked to Jenni about it this morning she didnt see anything wrong with what I did. I'm sorry that the two of them wont give him a chance. They wont stop living in the past, it's funny because I know that if they just acted like they had never met or heard about him before they'd both like him but that's just a big no no because they cant do that. He was a bad person before and he will continue to be that way. This all just annoys me so much. I think that if he wants to start over and wants to try and be their friends they should give him a chance, I deal with the two of them dating and barely getting to see one without the other tagging along but when I find someone that I want to be happy with they get to go and bitch at me about how I'm wrong. Whatever I honestly dont care anymore, Brandon said he wasn't my friend anymore last night and yelled at me about my away message, how it was against him when I just put it up because I wanted to. Oh fucking well.
Now to top today's good moods off Cory is going on about how he's mad at Josh because Josh said he wasnt sure if Cory's feelings for him were lies or not. I completely understand what Josh is going through, well atleast I try and I understand that he doesnt trust what Cory feels for him anymore because what Cory and I did to him was obviously very bad and I regret it all the time but I cant help that I wanted to be with Cory. Cory is upset about all of this and I cant do a damn thing about it, it's just pissing me off because if Josh doesnt have me to talk to like I always told him he would have then who the fuck is he going to talk to, I can only hope that silenthawk can help him like he has been lately because god if he cant then I dont know what the fuck I'm going to feel when Josh breaks down and I cant ever talk to him again. I'm so sick of this whole situation and I wish that it could all just go back to how it was 5 months ago, Josh and I just really good friends, but no it cant because him and I went through way too much together for that to happen and I cant help but wish I could just take away all of his pain and I sort of hope that just leaving him be will do that because honestly right now I dont care about my pain of losing him completely right now I just want him happy again. I know that I'm entirely responsible for all of this and I wish I wasnt because as a result I'm losing one of my greatest friends and it seems to turn out that soon he'll be my only friend. Too bad by then he'll be gone too and I'll just be alone. I love how I end up being alone, then after this summer Jenni will be gone too and I'll be completely alone, now then if I lose Cory then guess what I'll end up without a single person in the world and I can only see how that would definately happen since my life never works out the way I want it to.
You know last night I spent about an hour defending what I had with Cory against Jessi and Brandon. I kept saying all of this stuff to them and then at the end I was wondering if what I did was right. Brandon was mad because I gave Cory his sn because Cory just wanted to talk to him about his car. Cory messaged him, didnt do a single thing wrong and Brandon completely ignored him like he wasnt there, didnt say "Hey I dont want to talk or anything" he just ignored him. It was funny because he didnt even block him either, which is rather stupid in my opinion. After Cory was bugging him for a good long time I get this message from Brandon saying "Will to you tell that little bitch to leave me alone" so I got into this argument with Brandon about the whole thing. Jessi got on my back about how I was doing the same thing with Cory as I did with Jeff where I changed because I was with him. I'm not changing and when I talked to Jenni about it this morning she didnt see anything wrong with what I did. I'm sorry that the two of them wont give him a chance. They wont stop living in the past, it's funny because I know that if they just acted like they had never met or heard about him before they'd both like him but that's just a big no no because they cant do that. He was a bad person before and he will continue to be that way. This all just annoys me so much. I think that if he wants to start over and wants to try and be their friends they should give him a chance, I deal with the two of them dating and barely getting to see one without the other tagging along but when I find someone that I want to be happy with they get to go and bitch at me about how I'm wrong. Whatever I honestly dont care anymore, Brandon said he wasn't my friend anymore last night and yelled at me about my away message, how it was against him when I just put it up because I wanted to. Oh fucking well.
Now to top today's good moods off Cory is going on about how he's mad at Josh because Josh said he wasnt sure if Cory's feelings for him were lies or not. I completely understand what Josh is going through, well atleast I try and I understand that he doesnt trust what Cory feels for him anymore because what Cory and I did to him was obviously very bad and I regret it all the time but I cant help that I wanted to be with Cory. Cory is upset about all of this and I cant do a damn thing about it, it's just pissing me off because if Josh doesnt have me to talk to like I always told him he would have then who the fuck is he going to talk to, I can only hope that silenthawk can help him like he has been lately because god if he cant then I dont know what the fuck I'm going to feel when Josh breaks down and I cant ever talk to him again. I'm so sick of this whole situation and I wish that it could all just go back to how it was 5 months ago, Josh and I just really good friends, but no it cant because him and I went through way too much together for that to happen and I cant help but wish I could just take away all of his pain and I sort of hope that just leaving him be will do that because honestly right now I dont care about my pain of losing him completely right now I just want him happy again. I know that I'm entirely responsible for all of this and I wish I wasnt because as a result I'm losing one of my greatest friends and it seems to turn out that soon he'll be my only friend. Too bad by then he'll be gone too and I'll just be alone. I love how I end up being alone, then after this summer Jenni will be gone too and I'll be completely alone, now then if I lose Cory then guess what I'll end up without a single person in the world and I can only see how that would definately happen since my life never works out the way I want it to.