Attack of the green eyed monster...again
I don't really understand why i am
leting this crap with Christine and her wedding fester at me the way it
is. At first I was just hurt-then hurt and mad-now hurt and
jealous.
I am hurt because we have all been left out of the wedding-and the planning and the get togethers-itr is as if we don't even exist....it always feels like we don't even exist.
I am mad because i didn't want her as part of my bridal party-couldn't stand her-but I did the right thing and had her as a bridesmaid...seems i am always doing the 'right' thing whether i want to or not-I hate that about myself.
I am jealous most of all-not about her stupid wedding-who gives a hoot-yes I would have liked a bigger more expensive wedding, a bigger engagement ring, an expensive honeymoon but really..who cares. What gets me all green is that she has spenty her life never having to work for anything-life on a silver platter has always been handed her and now she is marrying into money and will never have to work for anything. A whole entire life not having to struggle for anything....how the fuck is that possible??
It was never like that for me. NEVER. Going way back the first time I ever realy realized that I didn't get things the easy way...I was 8-cabbage patch kids were the big rage. I didn't have one. We would go shopping and I never asked-I knew my parents couldn't afford one-but I always looked at the pretty dolls in their packages. I was ridiculed for not having one-Melanie the bitch-God if I saw her today I would probably still like to beat her face in-turned everyone in the neighbourhood against me because I didn't have a doll-I wasn't allowed to play-I got beat up about it at one point. I can still feel the pain in my shins from being kicked by that girl with the flaming red hair-sitting on the end of the slide by myself when everyone walked away and trying not to cry. Funny that I can't remember her name-just her hair and the fact that she was older then the rest of us-Sharon-I think it was Sharon. I tried for so many years to fit in until finally realizing I never would. Eventually hating myself for always being the failure. Funny to think I wasn't really a failure. i was the smartest kid in school most years and was artistic and wasn't too bad of a basketball player-although that certainly did come easily for me...took alot of practice to hear that swish of the net from the free throw line. But socially I was a failure. Maybe if I hadn't been i would have become a more successful teenager and adult. Maybe that is when it is all laid out, how your life will be...popular gradeschooler=great life-who knows. Some people just seem to have lives like that anyway,.
The biggest struggle of my life has been weight. It has surrounded the way people [percieve me...everything. If I could go back and change 1 thing in my life it would be my weight-if that is even possible. To think all those years in highschool I just didn't eat-or when I did I hung my head over the toilet bowl throwing it all up-and for what?? To be at work one day start throwing up blood and almost pass out while serving a customer? I was even a failure as a buleimic, lol-how funny is that-I did it because I was desperate to lose weight and still didn't-lost a whole bunch more then that but not weight-lost my hopes and dreams and my soul for awhile, lost my sanity most definitly-but not the fat-never the fat.
I also lost somthing-someone else that could have made the difference in my life. God I have not seen the guy in 14 years now and I still wonder what would have happened-what should have happened. And it was me that said goodbye to him-how stupid was I....I thought happiness was somewhere else so I went looking-and found sadness and sorrow in the bottom a one night stand with some guy i had just met and whole bunch of self hatred.
Then kevin and i met. And we have done nothing BUT struggle. Something about that makes me think that maybe we never should have been together in the first place-like some cosmic force has punished us for going against it's will. I know how stupid that sounds. But really-I understand a bit of diversity in your life and marriage is not supposed to be easy I know that but come on...we have dealt with so much in twelve years it is absurd.
Our wedding...might as well start there since the topic of Christine's wedding is what started me offon this vent in the first place. Planning a wedding with no money-gee that was fun. why didn't we wait?? Really I mean...why?? I hated my dress and my flowers and I couldn't pick the invitations I really wanted or anything. It all seemed like I was living in some cloud and the world was moving around me-the whole time I was trying desperatly to make everyone else happy-in the end I was the most miserable of them all. The day started off with freezing rain-oh the joy of it-the church was so empty-I have never been to a wedding where so few people showed up. I was humiliated and hurt and sad. We had struggled to pay for 60 meals at our reception and 32 people showed up. 32 people....most ofthose were immediate family and the family of the other people in the wedding party. Do you know I had an aunt call me months later and saw to me "oh I totally forgot you guys were getting married" yeah thanks. Then my grandmother leaves as soon as the dinner is done-she doesn't even wait to see us cut our cake..of course she stayed at my sisters wedding until late-but you know. I remember my Aunt Nickie saying to me "you have to say something to her-you can't just let her leave-she stayed at Ann's" I just kept saying I know and wanting to cry-but what was I going to say?? She hadn't even bothered to buy a new dress-she wore the one she had worn to my sisters wedding 8 year earlier. So I just let her lave without telling her how hurt I was. Then to top if off leaving the hall pulling out of the parking lt and almost being plowed down by te 18 wheeler that was spinning out of control on the ice....was that a sign of things to come or what? A honeymoon anywhere would have been nice-but no we did the last minute stay at a hotel downtown thing-and only because kevin had been handed a $100 bill from his uncle. Not even a honeymoon suite-just a room with a bed and a desk and a small bathroom. We ordered pizza-yeah now if that doesn't say romance I don't know what does. Back home the next moring and then back to work the next day But none of this matters except that Christine and Chris will have this big wedding with everything the way she wants it and a big diamond on her hand a vacation-again-to the Dominican Republic or some other beautiful destination...See I told you the green eyed monster-I am jealous as hell.
We lived in a shack-I say that to people and they look at me like I am kidding-nope it was a glorified shack. We had mold growing on the walls and the floors were so cold and the mice were always getting in-we had rats in teh yard. We did what we could to fix it up-made it a home-scrubbed mold off the wall every week-what a horrible mess. at the time I didn't know how deadly that could be-good thing I didn't know. We worked all the time and spent the days we had off doing nothing at all. I was 20 years old and feeling like I was 40. The 3 years we lived there were the worst three years of my life. The world went on without us those 3 years.
We were so excited when we got out and bought our house in Carlton Place-so excited. Only to have people come and see it and pick out all the flaws. We didn't see the flaws-we saw that there was no mold on the walls and the floors were not cold and there were no rats in the yard. It was a castle for us. The next couple years were pretty happy thinking back. We kept busy-I got into golf and we went to the gym and I was happy. For awhile it seemed the weight of not having achild was gone from my chest-but only very very briefly. We even had our belated honeymoon-with Annemarie and Gregg when we went to Orlando in September of 1999. We had so much fun-admist the ansgt-NEVER travel with another couple is my advice-.
And this is what bothers me probably more then anything else about Christine and Chris-they don't really want kids-and watch they will have an 'oops'. It will come easy for them-like verything else in her life. Which is totally ridiculous because I don't know that-but again the green eyed monster. and if they have children the will probably be perfect children. They will probably nt have to worry about things that go wrong-and I hate that-and i hate that I feel that way.
We've been married 10 years now and still struggle financially. We have no life outside of the kids. Most of the time it feels like the world has left us behind.,...which I think is exactly why this crap with Christine is affecting me so badly. I always knew she would not have me in her wedding party-I'm too fat for that...but there was this glimmer of hope and anticipation when she told me-when she called from the bar in the Dominican Repulic and told me Chris had proposed to her-I thought OKAY she is telling me because she wants me as her maid of honor...who the hell was I kidding?? But I never imagined being left out of the loop completely. I always thought 1 day she would get married and the the kids would be part of it-the girls wearing beautiful dresses and Josh in a tuxedo-but nope-they aren't-his family has their kids involved. Then I thought she would aske me to help out in ome way-but nope-again-totally left out,.
We are always left out. It really feels like we are all alone-stick in some warp somewhere away from the rest of the owrld-the family that lives in the nice plastic bubble only it isn't all that nice inside.
So I want to know why some people have everything easy and others nothing?? Why do I live with such regrets when others have none? Why must it be a choice every week whether the kids can have new clothes or we can eat? Why do some people have the family the always wanted when I still sit and mourn the two babies I never got to hold? What did I do to have a son survive a tremultuos begining only to be non verbal? Why did I have to worry about Izzy's heart?/ What did I do? Why has it always been like this for me?
Why do the Mealnies, and Christines of this world have everything fall into place for them without strife??
Maybe someday I'll get an answer, maybe not.
I am hurt because we have all been left out of the wedding-and the planning and the get togethers-itr is as if we don't even exist....it always feels like we don't even exist.
I am mad because i didn't want her as part of my bridal party-couldn't stand her-but I did the right thing and had her as a bridesmaid...seems i am always doing the 'right' thing whether i want to or not-I hate that about myself.
I am jealous most of all-not about her stupid wedding-who gives a hoot-yes I would have liked a bigger more expensive wedding, a bigger engagement ring, an expensive honeymoon but really..who cares. What gets me all green is that she has spenty her life never having to work for anything-life on a silver platter has always been handed her and now she is marrying into money and will never have to work for anything. A whole entire life not having to struggle for anything....how the fuck is that possible??
It was never like that for me. NEVER. Going way back the first time I ever realy realized that I didn't get things the easy way...I was 8-cabbage patch kids were the big rage. I didn't have one. We would go shopping and I never asked-I knew my parents couldn't afford one-but I always looked at the pretty dolls in their packages. I was ridiculed for not having one-Melanie the bitch-God if I saw her today I would probably still like to beat her face in-turned everyone in the neighbourhood against me because I didn't have a doll-I wasn't allowed to play-I got beat up about it at one point. I can still feel the pain in my shins from being kicked by that girl with the flaming red hair-sitting on the end of the slide by myself when everyone walked away and trying not to cry. Funny that I can't remember her name-just her hair and the fact that she was older then the rest of us-Sharon-I think it was Sharon. I tried for so many years to fit in until finally realizing I never would. Eventually hating myself for always being the failure. Funny to think I wasn't really a failure. i was the smartest kid in school most years and was artistic and wasn't too bad of a basketball player-although that certainly did come easily for me...took alot of practice to hear that swish of the net from the free throw line. But socially I was a failure. Maybe if I hadn't been i would have become a more successful teenager and adult. Maybe that is when it is all laid out, how your life will be...popular gradeschooler=great life-who knows. Some people just seem to have lives like that anyway,.
The biggest struggle of my life has been weight. It has surrounded the way people [percieve me...everything. If I could go back and change 1 thing in my life it would be my weight-if that is even possible. To think all those years in highschool I just didn't eat-or when I did I hung my head over the toilet bowl throwing it all up-and for what?? To be at work one day start throwing up blood and almost pass out while serving a customer? I was even a failure as a buleimic, lol-how funny is that-I did it because I was desperate to lose weight and still didn't-lost a whole bunch more then that but not weight-lost my hopes and dreams and my soul for awhile, lost my sanity most definitly-but not the fat-never the fat.
I also lost somthing-someone else that could have made the difference in my life. God I have not seen the guy in 14 years now and I still wonder what would have happened-what should have happened. And it was me that said goodbye to him-how stupid was I....I thought happiness was somewhere else so I went looking-and found sadness and sorrow in the bottom a one night stand with some guy i had just met and whole bunch of self hatred.
Then kevin and i met. And we have done nothing BUT struggle. Something about that makes me think that maybe we never should have been together in the first place-like some cosmic force has punished us for going against it's will. I know how stupid that sounds. But really-I understand a bit of diversity in your life and marriage is not supposed to be easy I know that but come on...we have dealt with so much in twelve years it is absurd.
Our wedding...might as well start there since the topic of Christine's wedding is what started me offon this vent in the first place. Planning a wedding with no money-gee that was fun. why didn't we wait?? Really I mean...why?? I hated my dress and my flowers and I couldn't pick the invitations I really wanted or anything. It all seemed like I was living in some cloud and the world was moving around me-the whole time I was trying desperatly to make everyone else happy-in the end I was the most miserable of them all. The day started off with freezing rain-oh the joy of it-the church was so empty-I have never been to a wedding where so few people showed up. I was humiliated and hurt and sad. We had struggled to pay for 60 meals at our reception and 32 people showed up. 32 people....most ofthose were immediate family and the family of the other people in the wedding party. Do you know I had an aunt call me months later and saw to me "oh I totally forgot you guys were getting married" yeah thanks. Then my grandmother leaves as soon as the dinner is done-she doesn't even wait to see us cut our cake..of course she stayed at my sisters wedding until late-but you know. I remember my Aunt Nickie saying to me "you have to say something to her-you can't just let her leave-she stayed at Ann's" I just kept saying I know and wanting to cry-but what was I going to say?? She hadn't even bothered to buy a new dress-she wore the one she had worn to my sisters wedding 8 year earlier. So I just let her lave without telling her how hurt I was. Then to top if off leaving the hall pulling out of the parking lt and almost being plowed down by te 18 wheeler that was spinning out of control on the ice....was that a sign of things to come or what? A honeymoon anywhere would have been nice-but no we did the last minute stay at a hotel downtown thing-and only because kevin had been handed a $100 bill from his uncle. Not even a honeymoon suite-just a room with a bed and a desk and a small bathroom. We ordered pizza-yeah now if that doesn't say romance I don't know what does. Back home the next moring and then back to work the next day But none of this matters except that Christine and Chris will have this big wedding with everything the way she wants it and a big diamond on her hand a vacation-again-to the Dominican Republic or some other beautiful destination...See I told you the green eyed monster-I am jealous as hell.
We lived in a shack-I say that to people and they look at me like I am kidding-nope it was a glorified shack. We had mold growing on the walls and the floors were so cold and the mice were always getting in-we had rats in teh yard. We did what we could to fix it up-made it a home-scrubbed mold off the wall every week-what a horrible mess. at the time I didn't know how deadly that could be-good thing I didn't know. We worked all the time and spent the days we had off doing nothing at all. I was 20 years old and feeling like I was 40. The 3 years we lived there were the worst three years of my life. The world went on without us those 3 years.
We were so excited when we got out and bought our house in Carlton Place-so excited. Only to have people come and see it and pick out all the flaws. We didn't see the flaws-we saw that there was no mold on the walls and the floors were not cold and there were no rats in the yard. It was a castle for us. The next couple years were pretty happy thinking back. We kept busy-I got into golf and we went to the gym and I was happy. For awhile it seemed the weight of not having achild was gone from my chest-but only very very briefly. We even had our belated honeymoon-with Annemarie and Gregg when we went to Orlando in September of 1999. We had so much fun-admist the ansgt-NEVER travel with another couple is my advice-.
And this is what bothers me probably more then anything else about Christine and Chris-they don't really want kids-and watch they will have an 'oops'. It will come easy for them-like verything else in her life. Which is totally ridiculous because I don't know that-but again the green eyed monster. and if they have children the will probably be perfect children. They will probably nt have to worry about things that go wrong-and I hate that-and i hate that I feel that way.
We've been married 10 years now and still struggle financially. We have no life outside of the kids. Most of the time it feels like the world has left us behind.,...which I think is exactly why this crap with Christine is affecting me so badly. I always knew she would not have me in her wedding party-I'm too fat for that...but there was this glimmer of hope and anticipation when she told me-when she called from the bar in the Dominican Repulic and told me Chris had proposed to her-I thought OKAY she is telling me because she wants me as her maid of honor...who the hell was I kidding?? But I never imagined being left out of the loop completely. I always thought 1 day she would get married and the the kids would be part of it-the girls wearing beautiful dresses and Josh in a tuxedo-but nope-they aren't-his family has their kids involved. Then I thought she would aske me to help out in ome way-but nope-again-totally left out,.
We are always left out. It really feels like we are all alone-stick in some warp somewhere away from the rest of the owrld-the family that lives in the nice plastic bubble only it isn't all that nice inside.
So I want to know why some people have everything easy and others nothing?? Why do I live with such regrets when others have none? Why must it be a choice every week whether the kids can have new clothes or we can eat? Why do some people have the family the always wanted when I still sit and mourn the two babies I never got to hold? What did I do to have a son survive a tremultuos begining only to be non verbal? Why did I have to worry about Izzy's heart?/ What did I do? Why has it always been like this for me?
Why do the Mealnies, and Christines of this world have everything fall into place for them without strife??
Maybe someday I'll get an answer, maybe not.