girls F.T.L.
Ugh. This is the third time I've stared at this entry page this week. I know I have thoughts during the day, during times when my mind needs to be where I am rather then on my feelings, thoughts that I know I want to go back and explore more carefully... but when I get home and I get in the writing mood, I can't remember what it was I thought or how I felt about it. Ima stare until i remember something this time.
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Lately I've been feeling like the distance between happy and depressed isn't very far apart. Like I'm simultaneously balancing on the edge of both. Or maybe I'm so use to convincing myself I'm happier then most people, I'm actually in denial that I'm not happy? But I really can't believe this. I don't know what I have to be depressed about. Sure I'm a bit lonely but who isn't between relationships... Its not like I'm desperate. If I really wanted a girlfriend, I could find someone to take me in, but that's not it, because I find my self turning my cheek to girls who try to "seduce me." (Ill just keep going with this and forget the "I may be depressed kick.")
Though, I must admit, lately I have been keeping my eye open for a girl. I'm open, and waiting for just the right one. I'm not sure how she'll look or what she'll be like, but I feel like it will just work out, like my past relationships. Nothing to try for, nothing to stress about... It will just work. This current gap in my "love life" has brought about the question in my head; "just what is my type?" It has definitely changed since high school, whatever it is. I'm not sure I grasp it yet but I may have an idea.
A girl who is my type would not be so completely because of her style, interests, qualities etc, but more of how she challenges me. How she connects and pushes me until she gets a response I didn't even see coming. How she makes me grow. This is important to me because I know I still have a lot to grow into and I do most my growing while in a relationship, which, at the same time can be problematic to the relationship, (hence some people breaking up via "we just grew apart") but if whoever this girl is, is doing the pushing herself, then she wont complain when I change. Now since this girl would have such an important role in helping me grow i.e. sculpting me, its easy to see why I must wait for the right one.. Or else I may turn into something I don't like. I guess the ideal girl would be someone who is like me, but further along.. More mature maybe? Ha, but this brings me around to an idea I've already had. While I go around, role model-less (why I'm role model-less is a whole different journal entry) I often just ask myself "What would a more mature jayson do?".. and slowly I become more mature. After all all growing boys need a role model... why not let it be an egotistical skue'd mental version of myself? =D and people wonder why im so cocky... psht! whatevah.
i gotz a headache. ehh 7:45. Bummah. Ive never went from drunk to hung over while being awake. this blows.
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Lately I've been feeling like the distance between happy and depressed isn't very far apart. Like I'm simultaneously balancing on the edge of both. Or maybe I'm so use to convincing myself I'm happier then most people, I'm actually in denial that I'm not happy? But I really can't believe this. I don't know what I have to be depressed about. Sure I'm a bit lonely but who isn't between relationships... Its not like I'm desperate. If I really wanted a girlfriend, I could find someone to take me in, but that's not it, because I find my self turning my cheek to girls who try to "seduce me." (Ill just keep going with this and forget the "I may be depressed kick.")
Though, I must admit, lately I have been keeping my eye open for a girl. I'm open, and waiting for just the right one. I'm not sure how she'll look or what she'll be like, but I feel like it will just work out, like my past relationships. Nothing to try for, nothing to stress about... It will just work. This current gap in my "love life" has brought about the question in my head; "just what is my type?" It has definitely changed since high school, whatever it is. I'm not sure I grasp it yet but I may have an idea.
A girl who is my type would not be so completely because of her style, interests, qualities etc, but more of how she challenges me. How she connects and pushes me until she gets a response I didn't even see coming. How she makes me grow. This is important to me because I know I still have a lot to grow into and I do most my growing while in a relationship, which, at the same time can be problematic to the relationship, (hence some people breaking up via "we just grew apart") but if whoever this girl is, is doing the pushing herself, then she wont complain when I change. Now since this girl would have such an important role in helping me grow i.e. sculpting me, its easy to see why I must wait for the right one.. Or else I may turn into something I don't like. I guess the ideal girl would be someone who is like me, but further along.. More mature maybe? Ha, but this brings me around to an idea I've already had. While I go around, role model-less (why I'm role model-less is a whole different journal entry) I often just ask myself "What would a more mature jayson do?".. and slowly I become more mature. After all all growing boys need a role model... why not let it be an egotistical skue'd mental version of myself? =D and people wonder why im so cocky... psht! whatevah.
i gotz a headache. ehh 7:45. Bummah. Ive never went from drunk to hung over while being awake. this blows.