Excuses Exercise
God I’m so sorry. I know, I know it’s the third time this month, I really don’t mean to be so late! It’s just, when I’m getting dressed, your favorite shirt is ALWAYS in the washer and I have to throw it in the dryer, and then…I nearly always turn around and trip over Buddy or Cecilia, damn ferrets are always underfoot. So then I have to make sure I didn’t hurt them, god knows they’re nearly indestructible. Once I get the shirt on, I finally realize I have no pants! There’re never any pants, and I know I should do laundry more, but that damn boss makes me work such weird long hours that I can never get all the chores done.
I know, I know, these are lame-ass excuses, I have no real excuse for being so late. But, today? Today your mother called my house. She wanted to talk. I tried to tell her I was already late to meet up with you, but, she’s become determined to “get to know her future son-in-law.” I had to let her talk at me, all about how she “has read up on this transsexuality thing” and “is trying to remember to call me Jonathan rather than Jamie, but it’s so hard” to remember sometimes. And then? As if I weren’t late enough, slightly embarrassed enough and hadn’t been on the phone enough, she handed the damn thing to your DAD. You know I love your dad, even if he’s mildly terrifying. Anyway, he wants to know when I’m going golfing/fishing/hiking/hunting with him. So I set up a tentative date, yeah, of course I hate hunting, we’re going on a hike and then fishing…Yeah, he roped me into camping out with him.
After I finally begged off the phone with your parents, I was twenty minutes late; look at your damn phone, I called five times trying to tell you! I know I need a cell phone, I don’t want one. Anyway, so I tried calling to tell you I was sorry for being late, but, you didn’t answer. So I jumped on the motorcycle and drove here as fast as I could. No I didn’t get a speeding ticket, traffic was horrible at this hour, you know that. And, now I’m here, and I stopped at that bodega on 15th and Main and got you these flowers. I know they’re not much, and they’re a little windblown, but, they’re purple and orange and as long as I live, I’ll never understand why, but…I know these are your favorite colors. And the lady at the bodega gave me the evil eye and said you’d hate them but she doesn’t know you like I do and…Forgive me? Please, because, I’m sorry, and I’m just human, and next time, we can have the date at my house so I’m on time. I’ll clean up the house and everything. I love you too, Victor.
I know, I know, these are lame-ass excuses, I have no real excuse for being so late. But, today? Today your mother called my house. She wanted to talk. I tried to tell her I was already late to meet up with you, but, she’s become determined to “get to know her future son-in-law.” I had to let her talk at me, all about how she “has read up on this transsexuality thing” and “is trying to remember to call me Jonathan rather than Jamie, but it’s so hard” to remember sometimes. And then? As if I weren’t late enough, slightly embarrassed enough and hadn’t been on the phone enough, she handed the damn thing to your DAD. You know I love your dad, even if he’s mildly terrifying. Anyway, he wants to know when I’m going golfing/fishing/hiking/hunting with him. So I set up a tentative date, yeah, of course I hate hunting, we’re going on a hike and then fishing…Yeah, he roped me into camping out with him.
After I finally begged off the phone with your parents, I was twenty minutes late; look at your damn phone, I called five times trying to tell you! I know I need a cell phone, I don’t want one. Anyway, so I tried calling to tell you I was sorry for being late, but, you didn’t answer. So I jumped on the motorcycle and drove here as fast as I could. No I didn’t get a speeding ticket, traffic was horrible at this hour, you know that. And, now I’m here, and I stopped at that bodega on 15th and Main and got you these flowers. I know they’re not much, and they’re a little windblown, but, they’re purple and orange and as long as I live, I’ll never understand why, but…I know these are your favorite colors. And the lady at the bodega gave me the evil eye and said you’d hate them but she doesn’t know you like I do and…Forgive me? Please, because, I’m sorry, and I’m just human, and next time, we can have the date at my house so I’m on time. I’ll clean up the house and everything. I love you too, Victor.