In bad taste
Ganked from the Gene Weingarten chat on the WP; but you'll only get the winner if you know the Aristocrats joke...
GENE WEINGARTEN: Last week, I called upon you to come up with a joke proceeding from the setup in which Cochran, Schiavo, Perdue and Wojtyla arrive at heaven together. (This was in response to a suggestion from reader Erik Oksala of Washington, whose name has too many k's.) There were more than 50 entries, many of them actually publishable. I whittled them down to four really good jokes. Chatwoman has asked me to issue the following Reader Advisory: If you have any sense of human decency, please skip ahead to the Comic Picks. I warned her that such a caveat would not eliminate a single regular chat attendee, but she insisted.
Third Runner Up:
Terri Schiavo, Johnnie Cochran, Frank Perdue, and the Pope arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter says, "Before you begin your heavenly lives, you are each granted one wish, to make things better on Earth."
So the newcomers think about this carefully and announce their wishes.
The next day, in The Washington Post and all other newspapers across the world, front-page headlines read: "NEW LAW: LIVING WILLS NOW MANDATORY."
The day after that, the page-one headlines read: "RACISM AMONG COPS ELIMINATED."
The day after that, the newspaper headlines scream: "MILLIONS OF VEGETARIANS DROP DEAD FROM E. TOFI VIRUS; POULTRY SALES SOAR."
And the day after that, a small story appears, buried on page E16:
"Popemobile Outfitted With Spoilers, Chrome, and Big-Ass Tires."
-- Jennifer Hart, Arlington
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Second Runner-Up:
Terri Schiavo, Johnnie Cochran, Frank Perdue and the Pope arrive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says....
"I'm very busy, and space is limited. Please state your name and tell me why I should let you in. You, the really old guy, first."
"My name is Karol Wojtyla, and I served on Earth as Pope John Paul II. My whole life was devoted to God, including my last 26 years as his highest representative in the Roman Catholic Church. I am not without sin, but I never lied."
St. Peter says: "Wow! Holy cow! You're in! Next?"
"My name is Terri Schiavo. My plight caused millions to rediscover the power of prayer and to renew their commitment to the sanctity of life. And, despite my other faults, I never lied."
"Okay, Ms. Schiavo. Welcome to Heaven. Next?"
"My name is Frank Perdue. I knew greed and was a ruthless businessman, but, well, I nourished millions of people with healthy, low-cost food, I might have fibbed a little but I never outright lied, and I never killed anyone or, through my actions, allowed a killer to go free."
"Hmm. You're in, Frank, but only by the skin of your teeth... Next?"
"Uh, um, ah, my name is Nelson Mandela, and … "
--- Kevin Tingley.
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First Runner-Up:
Frank Perdue, the Pope, Terri Schiavo and Johnnie Cochran arrive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets the Pope cordially, congratulates him for his good works on Earth, and tells him that he of course will be admitted on the strength of his resume alone. Then he asks if the pope would like to speak in behalf of the others in his company.
"Certainly," says the Pope, putting his arm around Johnnie Cochran. "Mr. Cochran here might have known pride and avarice in his life, but his career was largely devoted to redressing social injustices."
"Fine," St. Peter said. "Mr. Cochran may enter the kingdom of heaven."
Then the pope pointed to Frank Perdue. "Mr. Perdue was a millionaire businessman, and as such overvalued material things, but he employed millions of people in an honest fashion and gave generously to charity."
"Okay," St. Peter said, "that's good enough."
St. Peter waited expectantly, but the pope fell silent. An awkward moment passed.
"Brother Karol, aren't you going to say anything on behalf of Ms. Schiavo?"
"Oh, sorry," the pope said. "I thought that one was a no-brainer."
-- Anonymous female reader, New Carrollton
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And the winner:
Terri Schiavo, Johnny Cochran, Frank Perdue, and the Pope arrive at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter says, "Can I help you?"
The Pope steps forward and says, "Your Honor, we have a really amazing family act we'd like to perform for you, and...
-- J. W. Johnston