Views on Sex, Male and Female
One interesting thing I run across is utter confusion to guys as to how they are supposed to know whether a girl likes sex or not, and how not to get charged with rape, because apparently in many horror stories for men, random and to them consensual acts of sex result in rape charges.
As a woman, this initially seemed like a cop-out to me, but I'm starting to see the other side here. So, addressing the concerns of some of the less than bright men, here's why women play hard to get, are so weird about sex, and why they sometimes act the way they do.
DISCLAIMER: this is speaking of women generally. Lots of women do not have this psyche, do not have these issues, and do not act on any basis I've made here. If you're having issues with a specific women, get to know them first.
Help, Because Apparently Some Guys Need This
Why do women say no when they mean yes, or play hard to get, or any other number of weird things?
The basic issue is this: if you get caught having sex with someone, you become a stud, and suddenly you're respected for it. A woman gets caught with you? She's automatically a slut, no matter the situation, and are jeered at and ostracized for it. Watch the first half of the movie Easy A (or hell just watch all of it) to get a bit more understanding of how this works. Sex = gains for a guy's reputations, sex = losses for a girl's reputation. Girls are under tremendous pressure to "not have sex", and yet at the same time they do want it - and make no mistake, they do. Popular culture lends people to believe women have no sex drive, and if they do something's wrong with them. But no, we have one, just like you, and sometimes even stronger, and unlike you, we're not allowed to act on it. Think of what happens if you went weeks or months trying not to think about sex. Yeah, you'd start to get weird, too.
Everyone's heard "no means no". People rarely here "yes means yes". The number one solution when it comes to sex is this: don't wait for her to not say no. Wait for her to say yes. Ask her if she wants it, and if you don't know her, ask her at every stage. Sometimes a girl just wants to make out or grind, but may not run to fuck. Sometimes all she's interested in or capable of is second base, and not a home run.
And don't assume. Don't assume just because she said yes to one thing means you have permission to do something else. Believe it or not, you're not entitled to our bodies. Yes, it's nice that you bought us that drink, but that wasn't permission to fuck us, that was permission to try - and by try, I mean ask about it, and attempt to make yourself the best option there for her to spend a night with.
As for drunken sex or sex on drugs, same rules apply (ask at every stage, and assume silence means "no", not "yes"), but all with a caveat: if you gave her the drugs or alcohol, she's not yours. Why? Because then it looks and feels like you got her intoxicated to fuck her. IF you two know each other that's something different, something you two have to work out beforehand (please note that keyword BEFORE HAND). If you two agree to sex, then get drunk/or high, that's different. Ask her before you get drunk or high, not after. If you give her something, you can't ask her.
There. That's not nearly all of it but that should be simple enough rules to abide by without over thinking it, and without delving too deeply into why women act certain ways.
There are tons of books out there to read about women and sexuality. Here's the three that might actually help guys:
Part I of The Curse of the Good Girl, by Rachel Simmons - that should explain a lot about female psychology and why they act the way they do
He's a Stud, She's a Slut, and 49 Other Double Standards Every Woman Should Know, by Jessica Valenti - some of it will probably feel like extremist crap, but it will shed some insight on why women worry about things which feel like no big deal to you
Yes means Yes!, by Jessica Valenti and Jaclyn Friedman - it's actually a series of essays. Not all of them pertain to men dealing with female sexuality, but even a flip through a few of them should show you what's really important for women and why they feel the way they do (and why some women will never look at you as anything other than a threat). Recommended essays within this book, in order of relevance and helpfulness: Beyond Yes and No: Consent as a Sexual Process; Towards a Performance Model of Sex; An Old Enemy in a New Outfit: How Date Rape Became Gray Rape and Why It Matters; Hooking Up with Healthy Sexuality: The Lessons Boys Learn (and Don’t Learn) About Sexuality, and Why a Sex-Positive Rape Prevention Paradigm Can Benefit Everyone Involved; An Immodest Proposal; and Purely Rape: The Myth of Sexual Purity and How It Reinforces Rape Culture.
As a woman, this initially seemed like a cop-out to me, but I'm starting to see the other side here. So, addressing the concerns of some of the less than bright men, here's why women play hard to get, are so weird about sex, and why they sometimes act the way they do.
DISCLAIMER: this is speaking of women generally. Lots of women do not have this psyche, do not have these issues, and do not act on any basis I've made here. If you're having issues with a specific women, get to know them first.
Help, Because Apparently Some Guys Need This
Why do women say no when they mean yes, or play hard to get, or any other number of weird things?
The basic issue is this: if you get caught having sex with someone, you become a stud, and suddenly you're respected for it. A woman gets caught with you? She's automatically a slut, no matter the situation, and are jeered at and ostracized for it. Watch the first half of the movie Easy A (or hell just watch all of it) to get a bit more understanding of how this works. Sex = gains for a guy's reputations, sex = losses for a girl's reputation. Girls are under tremendous pressure to "not have sex", and yet at the same time they do want it - and make no mistake, they do. Popular culture lends people to believe women have no sex drive, and if they do something's wrong with them. But no, we have one, just like you, and sometimes even stronger, and unlike you, we're not allowed to act on it. Think of what happens if you went weeks or months trying not to think about sex. Yeah, you'd start to get weird, too.
Everyone's heard "no means no". People rarely here "yes means yes". The number one solution when it comes to sex is this: don't wait for her to not say no. Wait for her to say yes. Ask her if she wants it, and if you don't know her, ask her at every stage. Sometimes a girl just wants to make out or grind, but may not run to fuck. Sometimes all she's interested in or capable of is second base, and not a home run.
And don't assume. Don't assume just because she said yes to one thing means you have permission to do something else. Believe it or not, you're not entitled to our bodies. Yes, it's nice that you bought us that drink, but that wasn't permission to fuck us, that was permission to try - and by try, I mean ask about it, and attempt to make yourself the best option there for her to spend a night with.
As for drunken sex or sex on drugs, same rules apply (ask at every stage, and assume silence means "no", not "yes"), but all with a caveat: if you gave her the drugs or alcohol, she's not yours. Why? Because then it looks and feels like you got her intoxicated to fuck her. IF you two know each other that's something different, something you two have to work out beforehand (please note that keyword BEFORE HAND). If you two agree to sex, then get drunk/or high, that's different. Ask her before you get drunk or high, not after. If you give her something, you can't ask her.
There. That's not nearly all of it but that should be simple enough rules to abide by without over thinking it, and without delving too deeply into why women act certain ways.
There are tons of books out there to read about women and sexuality. Here's the three that might actually help guys:
Part I of The Curse of the Good Girl, by Rachel Simmons - that should explain a lot about female psychology and why they act the way they do
He's a Stud, She's a Slut, and 49 Other Double Standards Every Woman Should Know, by Jessica Valenti - some of it will probably feel like extremist crap, but it will shed some insight on why women worry about things which feel like no big deal to you
Yes means Yes!, by Jessica Valenti and Jaclyn Friedman - it's actually a series of essays. Not all of them pertain to men dealing with female sexuality, but even a flip through a few of them should show you what's really important for women and why they feel the way they do (and why some women will never look at you as anything other than a threat). Recommended essays within this book, in order of relevance and helpfulness: Beyond Yes and No: Consent as a Sexual Process; Towards a Performance Model of Sex; An Old Enemy in a New Outfit: How Date Rape Became Gray Rape and Why It Matters; Hooking Up with Healthy Sexuality: The Lessons Boys Learn (and Don’t Learn) About Sexuality, and Why a Sex-Positive Rape Prevention Paradigm Can Benefit Everyone Involved; An Immodest Proposal; and Purely Rape: The Myth of Sexual Purity and How It Reinforces Rape Culture.