A Feminist Guide to Male Friends
As was brought up here, it can be hard to be a feminist and have predominantly male friends, especially if they are the kind to make sexist jokes. But it doesn't mean you have to pick between feminism and friends! I was going to post this as a comment to the blog, but it got long-winded so I cut-and-pasted here and expanded.
1. The biggest thing is first figuring out how much they are your friends, and how serious your friendship is. Are they just people you talk to at work/school? Are they people you hang out with? If your house burns down, will they take you in for the night? This is an important starting point for all friendships, of course, but in this case it can sometimes be critical.
2. Know how much they respect you. The guys make jokes about women "getting back in the kitchen" - but do they actually expect that of you? Or do they expect you to be whatever you say you are i.e. in my case badass lawyer? Even if they crack jokes about you making a living "on your knees or on your back" (aka housewife), the important thing is whether they really think women, and you, do this, or whether they know that you will follow your dreams and ambitions, and are ready to support you in that, even if it's in the tried-and-true method of distracting you as much as possible while studying for a test. :P
3. How do they interact with other guys - and how does that relate to you? In general, guys tend to be more insulting to each other over all in their friendship. They will put each other down as much as possible and still be the greatest of friends (a rather large opposite of girls' friendships, in my experience). Their jokes are incredibly derogatory, but it rarely has genuine malice backing it up - it often is even a form of affection, their way of expressing it in a culture that steadfastly refuses to accept affectionate boys as "real men". If they make a lot of derogatory jokes with their other friends, then definitely give them the benefit of the doubt in their sexist jokes towards you - there's likely no malice in it, and may even be some roundabout and convoluted affection behind it. If, on the other, the guy in question doesn't often make derogatory jokes around his other friends but makes a lot of sexist jokes towards you, then I would be a lot more suspicious about it.
4. Give as good as you get - a guy makes a joke about women being unable to drive, remind him that his parents look at the car insurance bill every month and wish they had a daughter, because girls are charged far, far less on their insurance than guys. A guy makes a joke about women being unable to do math, remind him about just what the stereotypes of guys and language are. He asks about your future career as a housewife? You ask about how much he looks forward to being your janitor when you being a CEO/lawyer/whatever-the-hell-you-want, or a stripper at your hen-do party. Don't be afraid to crack just as sexist jokes as they do - there's a good chance they'll find it just as funny as you do.
5. Here's a tricky one: rape jokes. This is often a huge taboo among feminists, while at the same time I see a lot of girls crack them just as much as guys. My basis of this? How often do they make jokes about other heinous crimes? When a teacher assigns a lot of homework, do they just whinge, or insist it's torture? When a lot of people fail a test, do they make a joke about it being a genocide, or how stupid the teacher is? (Or both?) If someone makes a joke about 9/11 being a "faith-based initiative", do they see the humor in it, or do they see the malice in it? Pretty much everyone can agree genocide is BAD - but that won't stop people from joking about it and calling a mass-failing of a test a "paper genocide". Or maybe they'll call that huge project "murder". Correlating to #3, if they make a lot of jokes about other crimes, ones which we can all definitely agree are horrible no matter what, then when they make the rape jokes, it is, again, highly likely to be without malice. A lot of just use such horrible things as murder and genocide, and even specific events like 9/11 or Bloody Sunday, to refer to little daily things in life (how many times have you heard someone respond to being grilled about something as "the Inquisition"?).
Now, if you feel genuinely uncomfortable, let them know. They're going to think you're being oversensitive, but in this case the better bet is to say that even if you are, you want them to acknowledge that and refrain from this particular joke, at least when you're around. Keep it straight forward and simple (though also avoid the word "uncomfortable", as guys love making people simply uncomfortable, and there's a good chance they're not going to get the deeper meaning in this case - in this case, head right for the core and say that it makes you feel threatened, even if you don't think they're threatening you). A lot of people have their weak points, and despite popular opinion to the contrary, it's not that hard to get guys to respect this kind of point.
6. Don't be afraid to slip in a little feminist education here and there! If they crack a joke about women being bad drivers, remind them just which gender gets charged almost a third less than the other one at baseline. The very people who are most anal about who is and isn't a good driver - insurance companies - have determined across the board that women are better drivers than men. The only thing men beat us at, apparently, is parking. If a guy makes a joke about bra-burning, laugh - and then tell him the truth: that it never happened. Don't ever try to force serious discussion, but if you ever have a deeper conversation or talk about a serious subject, don't hold back - let them know your side and your viewpoint. (And this goes both ways - if the situation ever arises, don't be afraid to also comment on our cultural tendencies to hypermasculinity as well as sexism, and acknowledge how this hurts men as well as women - there's a good chance they've felt these effects on their own lives personally, and will be fully able to agree with you!)
In short, give guys the benefit of the doubt, but draw the line when you need to. Don't be afraid to give as good as you get in sexist or derogatory jokes, but also don't be afraid to hold back when it comes to serious discussion. All in all, make sure you understand them and they understand you, at depth, so even if you all act like assholes to each other on the surface, you know that underneath it's affection, not malice, that drives all your actions. :)
1. The biggest thing is first figuring out how much they are your friends, and how serious your friendship is. Are they just people you talk to at work/school? Are they people you hang out with? If your house burns down, will they take you in for the night? This is an important starting point for all friendships, of course, but in this case it can sometimes be critical.
2. Know how much they respect you. The guys make jokes about women "getting back in the kitchen" - but do they actually expect that of you? Or do they expect you to be whatever you say you are i.e. in my case badass lawyer? Even if they crack jokes about you making a living "on your knees or on your back" (aka housewife), the important thing is whether they really think women, and you, do this, or whether they know that you will follow your dreams and ambitions, and are ready to support you in that, even if it's in the tried-and-true method of distracting you as much as possible while studying for a test. :P
3. How do they interact with other guys - and how does that relate to you? In general, guys tend to be more insulting to each other over all in their friendship. They will put each other down as much as possible and still be the greatest of friends (a rather large opposite of girls' friendships, in my experience). Their jokes are incredibly derogatory, but it rarely has genuine malice backing it up - it often is even a form of affection, their way of expressing it in a culture that steadfastly refuses to accept affectionate boys as "real men". If they make a lot of derogatory jokes with their other friends, then definitely give them the benefit of the doubt in their sexist jokes towards you - there's likely no malice in it, and may even be some roundabout and convoluted affection behind it. If, on the other, the guy in question doesn't often make derogatory jokes around his other friends but makes a lot of sexist jokes towards you, then I would be a lot more suspicious about it.
4. Give as good as you get - a guy makes a joke about women being unable to drive, remind him that his parents look at the car insurance bill every month and wish they had a daughter, because girls are charged far, far less on their insurance than guys. A guy makes a joke about women being unable to do math, remind him about just what the stereotypes of guys and language are. He asks about your future career as a housewife? You ask about how much he looks forward to being your janitor when you being a CEO/lawyer/whatever-the-hell-you-want, or a stripper at your hen-do party. Don't be afraid to crack just as sexist jokes as they do - there's a good chance they'll find it just as funny as you do.
5. Here's a tricky one: rape jokes. This is often a huge taboo among feminists, while at the same time I see a lot of girls crack them just as much as guys. My basis of this? How often do they make jokes about other heinous crimes? When a teacher assigns a lot of homework, do they just whinge, or insist it's torture? When a lot of people fail a test, do they make a joke about it being a genocide, or how stupid the teacher is? (Or both?) If someone makes a joke about 9/11 being a "faith-based initiative", do they see the humor in it, or do they see the malice in it? Pretty much everyone can agree genocide is BAD - but that won't stop people from joking about it and calling a mass-failing of a test a "paper genocide". Or maybe they'll call that huge project "murder". Correlating to #3, if they make a lot of jokes about other crimes, ones which we can all definitely agree are horrible no matter what, then when they make the rape jokes, it is, again, highly likely to be without malice. A lot of just use such horrible things as murder and genocide, and even specific events like 9/11 or Bloody Sunday, to refer to little daily things in life (how many times have you heard someone respond to being grilled about something as "the Inquisition"?).
Now, if you feel genuinely uncomfortable, let them know. They're going to think you're being oversensitive, but in this case the better bet is to say that even if you are, you want them to acknowledge that and refrain from this particular joke, at least when you're around. Keep it straight forward and simple (though also avoid the word "uncomfortable", as guys love making people simply uncomfortable, and there's a good chance they're not going to get the deeper meaning in this case - in this case, head right for the core and say that it makes you feel threatened, even if you don't think they're threatening you). A lot of people have their weak points, and despite popular opinion to the contrary, it's not that hard to get guys to respect this kind of point.
6. Don't be afraid to slip in a little feminist education here and there! If they crack a joke about women being bad drivers, remind them just which gender gets charged almost a third less than the other one at baseline. The very people who are most anal about who is and isn't a good driver - insurance companies - have determined across the board that women are better drivers than men. The only thing men beat us at, apparently, is parking. If a guy makes a joke about bra-burning, laugh - and then tell him the truth: that it never happened. Don't ever try to force serious discussion, but if you ever have a deeper conversation or talk about a serious subject, don't hold back - let them know your side and your viewpoint. (And this goes both ways - if the situation ever arises, don't be afraid to also comment on our cultural tendencies to hypermasculinity as well as sexism, and acknowledge how this hurts men as well as women - there's a good chance they've felt these effects on their own lives personally, and will be fully able to agree with you!)
In short, give guys the benefit of the doubt, but draw the line when you need to. Don't be afraid to give as good as you get in sexist or derogatory jokes, but also don't be afraid to hold back when it comes to serious discussion. All in all, make sure you understand them and they understand you, at depth, so even if you all act like assholes to each other on the surface, you know that underneath it's affection, not malice, that drives all your actions. :)