Life Changing
Six things have had a deep impact on me and changed how I feel about the world and the people in it and myself.
1) When I was 13 my cousin died in a car accident. The police and medical examiner noted there were no drugs present in his bloodstream except nicotine. The police don't know if he fell asleep at the wheel or bent over to pick up a cigarette or what, but he crossed the center line and hit a tractor trailer truck, both of which were going 50+ miles. The principal of my school at the time (where my cousin also went to school) held a school-wide assembly and made an anti-drug presentation and actually had the balls to say my cousin and the boy who was with him in the truck "thought they could live forever." I didn't stand up and defend him. I just sat there numb and irate. If there's one thing I could go back and change, it would be that I didn't stand up and say something. I let the entire school believe my cousin was on drugs, and worse, I let the principal of the schooltell them that. I still shake my head when I remember that day.
2) In 12th grade I read "Things Fall Apart" by Chinua Achebe. It made me think very hard about my religion and how I believe in it. Not just what I believe, but how I believe it. I felt very closely attached to the family that was the main point of the book, and I was so incredibly heart broken when the Christians came. It actually felt WRONG to me how the Christians came, which feels awkwardly blasphemous to me, because I am Christian. I thought very much about my faith and I analyzed it. I still believe in it, I still study the Bible because I will never be accused of blindly believing something. If I quote you a Bible verse, it's because I've read it and studied it and put it into different contexts and studied it with other Christians (and sometimes even non-Christians) to get their opinion on it. When I was a Freshman in college, we were talking about religion and belief systems randomly in my suite. My program leader for La Maison Française asked me how I felt about sharing my belief system. My answer is still how I feel today: The Bible calls us to share our faith and promote Christianity and the love of Christ. I do not believe this means shoving it down someone's throat. If I were to ask someone if they want to learn about Jesus, however awkward for me and that person it might be, if they say no, I don't pursue it. I believe God sets up situations, there's the saying that God works in mysterious ways. Often I think that making my beliefs known is enough. I think God puts a spark in people and if they want to know more, they already know I believe in it, so they can come and ask me questions. I think I'm pretty approachable. But I do not believe in invading privacy or disturbing others (unless I get this weird feeling that I'm being compelled, but I have never felt that yet, so I can't say it will ever happen). Nor do I believe in berating people. When people have bad things happen to them or a crappy situation comes up, I have no problem telling them I'm going to pray for them, even if they're Jewish or Muslim or Atheist, and I have no problem suggesting they pray as well. But I won't tell them it's because they're not a Believer that the bad thing happened, because I don't know that, and offending someone is a sure fire way to get them to never listen to you again. But I digress. That book in 12th grade made me analyze my faith and how I approach believing in it and how I approach introducing it to others. Really made me think.
3) I met my friend Catherine, aka Katya (we took Russian together) in college. We were discussing the taboo topics of the world and abortion came up. I was 100% against it except in the case of rape, even though I knew how little rape gets reported, and how it introduced the potential for girls to just claim rape all the time (I do believe some girls would do that, and I believe some girls who were truly raped would never come forward). Katya made the point that whether it's legal or not, women are still going to seek it out, and they'll do it in an unsafe, dirty environment in someone's shed if they think it'll work. That really resonated with me. She's right. Women will still seek out an abortion if that's what they truly want, and even though I don't agree with it personally, I can make that decision myself if it ever comes it. Until then, I'd rather a woman have the option to do it by a doctor who is medically trained and legally allowed to do it, rather than risk someone finding a Holiday-Inn-Express doctor who has dissected a frog before and wants some quick money. I do believe there are people out there who would do that.
4) I dated a boy that had so many amazing qualities. Great family, good job, nerd just like me, intelligent, had a sister that spoke French, everything. He was my first. Then he cheated on me and broke up with me. He cheated on me with a married woman in Canada. I had put all of my emotions deeply into this relationship, and they had been ripped from me, and I was being strung along because he kept telling me that it felt right with both of us. And I was so emotionally involved that I believed he would come to his senses and realize I was the perfect one. I even saw him at a conference a few months later and slept with him again. He didn't come to his senses, he strung me along further until I realized my own worth. I don't know when it happened, but I realized I was worth much more than that, and if he's doing it to me, he's doing it to her, and she's also being strung along, with a child, and a husband she's still married to but was deported from Canada. Awkward. If it happened this terribly once, it would probably happen again. I listened to "Someone Like You" by Adele more times than I think is healthy, but it helped get me through whatever weird place I was in, and I vowed to never be treated like crap again. I'm effing amazing, and I deserve someone who knows that and values that far above what their penis feels like in any hole they can find.
5) I fell in love. My current boyfriend is an old flame from about four years ago. I met him online and even flew to Oklahoma to see him. I met his parents, really liked him, and then had my heart broken when he decided long distance was too hard. Fast forward three years. We reconnect and start talking again. My feelings are exactly the same as they were three years ago. We talk more often, multiple times a week, and finally he flies out to see me. We spend 10 days together. The only love I have ever felt that was comparably as strong, is from my family; my parents and my brother. I have never been told multiple times a day how beautiful I am, without expecting to get their dick wet in return for the compliment. I have NEVER had someone besides my parents tell me that it's my heart that makes me beautiful, my face is just a perk. I've had guys tell me I shouldn't be ashamed of my body (because I tell them I'm self-conscious). But they have never told me that it's what's inside that makes me beautiful. Only Brandon. And he made me say it daily to myself. He physically made me say it. He's back in Oklahoma right now but we talk almost daily about him moving here. I truly hope it happens because everything feels right when I'm with him. Even when I was stressing about my interview I had when he was here, it still felt ok. Even if I don't get the job, I think I'll be ok. I said it three years ago and I'm prepared to say it again, I love him.
6) I watched the video for and listened to the song Same Love by Macklemore. The words are powerful all on their own, and how it compliments the video is just incredible. I had already changed my view on homosexuality and gay marriage a little bit ago. To be completely honest, I still struggle with how I feel about homosexuality because of my religion. I do in fact believe the Bible, but I want to read it in original Greek and make my own determinations. But I don't know any Greek, none at all. So I read multiple translations and try to work it out. Regardless of that though, I support gay marriage. Whether God views it as a sin or not, I think even He would believe love is love. With all the hatred in the world, why not let love thrive? After watching the video for this song, I thought about how strongly I feel about Brandon. I simply cannot imagine the law telling me I couldn't marry Brandon if he asked me to. I get a ring, I feel the intense love - not just lust, but actual love - and then be told it's illegal. I can't even begin to imagine the void that would fill me. For this very reason, I support gay marriage. I know gay people and I love them dearly. My friend Ethan, I think he actually cried when he came out to me, because it wasn't a big deal. I knew a lot of gay people when I was in college, and I was cool with them, so I was cool with Ethan. I wouldn't give up his friendship for anything in this world, literally. I know it would absolutely kill him to read this and find out I'm not sure how I feel about homosexuality, and it would seem like I was two-faced or insincere when I say I support gay marriage. But I do, and I love Ethan. It's like my friends that are ultra conservative, or the ones that are weird hippies. I don't agree with some of the things they do, and I certainly don't have any interest in going on some nature hike to bang on drums and connect with spirits, but I love those people all the same. They do their thing, I do my thing. I still love them, which is how I feel about gay people. If they feel that same love I do for Brandon, by all means, embrace it! God loves all His children, and He loves us no matter our sins. I have lied, and I still lie sometimes, I curse and I curse when I'm aware how wrong it is. I sin on a daily basis, A LOT, but God still loves me. And I believe all sins are equal, a sin is a sin is a sin. Which means me saying the F-word is exactly the same to God as anyone being gay, which means we're all in the same boat. In the end, I still love myself, I love my family even though some of them can be hugely selfish, I love my friends even though they lie sometimes, and I love Ethan even though he's gay. Ethan is much more than just a gay man, and I love him dearly. <3
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