Fic: Surprise Me
Title Surprise Me
Rating R
Fandom Zombieland
Characters -
Pairing Tallahassee/Columbus
Summery Drunk off his ass, Columbus confesses he's never had a blow job.
“You ain’t never?”
“No.”
“Never.”
“Nope.”
“Not even at some stupid little summer camp…”
“No! Wa’n’t until the Zombies that I even got laid. Or kissed.”
“Both by me.”
“By you.”
“Wimp.”
“Don’t see how that works but whatever,” I slurred because, well, I was shit-faced. We’d broken into another pharmacy for medical supplies and snacks, but Tallahassee ended up raiding a few other areas of the store. I’d drank before, though. What kind of self-respecting 22 year old doesn’t? Mostly beer, though, and on the low end of the spectrum at that. One and done, that’s what I always say. I said that once.
I’m not even sure how we got to playing Never Have I Ever, but there you go. Two guys in a relationship that would baffle Moulder and Scully, sitting in the bed of a Hummer, drinking and playing games until one of them (me, I could tell even then) got naked. Hell, I’d already taken my sweater off and had been fumbling with that stupid bottom button of my shirt, because that was the hardest to undo. Might have been the wrong size.
Anyway, it was my turn and I said, drunk and stupid and, yeah okay, a little horny, that I’d never gotten a blowjob. If I didn’t have the nerve to tuck hair over a girl’s ear, I sure didn’t have the skill to get her mouth on my dick. Not that I worry about the hair thing anymore, with Wichita long-gone somewhere on the Canadian border (Little Rock too) and the fact that Tallahassee’s hair was just too fucking short to begin with. Mine, however, was and is still getting too long, but fuck if I’m letting him near my head with scissors. I’ve seen what he does when he’s going to take “a little off the top”. No thank you.
“You’re gettin’ locked up again,” Tallahassee grunted into the mouth of a Jack Daniel’s. He says that when I start narrating internally or just drift off. He says I get locked in my head too much. Whatever.
“Mm? Oh.”
“Tell you what, kid,” I fucking hate that pet-name so much. I’m not a kid, I’m not a kid. Sometimes I wonder if he likes feeling like a dirty, old man.
Probably.
“I’ll blow you. How about that? Show you the ropes and shit.”
“I, ah… I don’t know,” I swallowed, trying to play coy but, fuck, my pants were already feeling really fucking tight. And judging by Tallahassee’s smug-ass, shit-faced grin, he already saw. I watched him as he pushed himself up from the floor, stumbled over to me, real fucking close and… fuck, I can’t think when he talks like that. All deep and throaty and dirty…
“I said how about I blow you, Columbus?” He nearly snarled-didn’t-but I jumped anyway. I started blinking and fidgeting with that button my shirt up until I realized it was my pants’ button. Wow, “You want my mouth on your dick, Columbus?”
I tried to talk, but it was just a weak, dry, drunken moan. I tried again, real fucking smooth and maybe a little desperate, “Surprise me.”
I blacked out a little between my pants opening up and my underwear coming off, but I do remember his hands cupping my ass-which feels weird to say and a little weird to feel-and his mouth sucking just where I didn’t want; like one fucking inch from my dick. Really frustrating, really stupid, but that alone kind of broke my brain and I moaned. Loudly. Embarrassingly loud.
I swallowed and clenched my jaw, trying to keep that kind of sound in, but Tallahassee knew what he was fucking doing because he went straight for the head, all loud and slurping like I was some kind of candy. Some sort of Twinkie-flavored candy, because that might be the only thing I’ve ever seen him scarf down like he was dying. At some point-I can’t remember when-I shoved his head down and bucked, but he didn’t like that. Figures. I still have the scratches on my thighs for that stunt. He says it’s a reminder, but he says it with a smile. So I don’t know.
It really couldn’t have been more than ten minutes, but I know it felt like forever. But it was also over way too soon, because before I knew it Tallahassee had taken me all the way in-and I mean all the way in-and I was about to lose my mind (or what was left of it). I was panting, fidgeting, even gripping his head way too tight-I know it was too tight because of the scratches-and trying not to just fucking scream Florida and completely lose it.
And I tried, I really did. But somehow Tallahassee learned how to suck a guy off perfectly, and before I could stop it, my breath hitched, hips twitched, nails clawed at the back of his neck and. Well. The inevitable happened. Tallahassee looks fantastic with cum dribbling from his mouth, but that didn’t seem to make him any happier about not being warned. I didn’t hear too much of what he said-a mouth full of cum makes it really hard to yell-but the hands on my neck just about covered it.
“I-ah!” I choked, weak and dry-mouthed. Tallahassee leaned in, real fucking close, and snarled right into my face.
“You of all fucking people! You’re so fucking concerned about your GD little rules and you don’t even fucking warn me! You think I like choking on your stupid jizz?!”
“N-!” Wheeze. Choke. Sputter.
“No, I don’t!” He shook me hard and then let me go-Thank God. I gasped, shuddered, and relaxed against the side of the car, head against the window. Tallahassee was still growling something at me, though. It was all just half-formed swears at how stupid I was and shit like that, but even during that, he was pulling up my pants and handling me like I was something, I don’t know, worth something. I smiled and pulled him next to me, feeling fuzzy and a little drunk off a happy revelation of self-worth (and the beer).
“…And now you’re a fucking koala. Great,” Tallahassee grumbled, but he still let me hang on to him, “You’re a queer little fucker, you know that?”
“Yeah,” I sighed against his chest. I just wanted to fall asleep against him, weird as that is, but he wouldn’t stop talking. Either way, he has a nice voice-in my opinion-and I was okay with listening to that, even after he stopped insulting me and started rambling about whatever he wanted. I finally fell asleep right around his anecdote about going to Mexico for a year, his hand buried in my hair, and the sounds of night outside the Hummer. Pretty ideal, if you ask me.
Just about as good as it gets in Zombieland.
End.