updates galore
Wow, I haven't even visited this site in about a week. I just caught up on everyone's journals. Sorry, my computer is on the verge of a complete meltdown, so I change web pages as rarely as possible, so I didn't comment unless I was REALLY inspired to do so. I have a lot to say and no energy. Lol. I'm depressed, I know that. My mom is having to pay my rent this month. At 33 this makes me feel like a total failure in life. I got fired from my dream job because I can't keep my mouth shut. Oh, I can say I did the right thing...and technically I did. But it wouldn't have been the WRONG thing to keep silent...and since speaking out hurt me (and I feel the team I worked with, since I was more an asset than a drain) and changed absolutely nothing...and in fact I think lowered morale even more on the team...I kinda almost did the WRONG thing. Not morally or ethically...the truth can never be unethical or immoral. But, I didn't look at the big picture. And I'm usually a big picture gal...unless my righteousness is piqued as it was here. So, here I am, scrambling for a plan Q, still morning the loss of plans A through P and unable to support myself. At 33 years of age.
Moving out of my dad's house was necessary. I can't say that was a wrong move. Bad, but not wrong. Bad for me financially that is. Not bad for me emotionally...and the ONLY way to save the relationship. And I don't even know for sure it will work. We are still at odds and seem to have very little bond left. Just familial love. No respect or liking or fondness is left. I hope we can get it back at some point, but just don't know if it will be possible.
My weight loss is stalled right now. And I'm ok with that for several reasons. One: I'm not gaining. I'm kinda just hovering around 15 pounds lost. Two: I need to focus on other things right now. Those of you who don't have to diet (or in this case completely change your eating habits) don't understand how much energy it takes to pass up the ho-hos and eat that peach cup instead...or ignore that niggling in the back of your mind telling you to snack even though you're not hungry and are just bored. Three: it's summer. I usually GAIN in summer. Holding my weight in light of summer energy suck and lack of any exercise is a miracle in and of itself. I know a lot of you are thinking, huh? Less exercise in summer? Yeah...it's a million degrees here in summer...and I don't do well in heat already. Just walking to my car suck every last bit of energy out of my body. I literally feel like taking a nap when I get back in after walking Buddy in the morning (just after having woken up). I'm more exhausted after 10 minutes laying out in the sun than I am after a 45 minute bike ride in the fall or winter.
I really love Weight Watchers though and I have kept the expense even though I really can't afford it. I love the meetings...there have been a LOT of weeks when I've wanted to give up and just go back to eating cheetoh's and junk food all the time. I'd make myself go to the meeting and suddenly be re-energized and ready to start again. I also like that it's not some weird plan that is not sustainable when I'm "done". And that you're never really "done". Once you reach goal weight, you stay in the program (for free) and can become an inspiration to others, as well as getting inspiration from beginners when you start thinking 5 more pounds won't make THAT much of a difference. I like that if I want pringles or McDonalds or cheesecake, I can have it. I just have to either plan for it, or adjust for it. So, it's the right plan for me. I'm just not a go-it-alone, follow-a-book/guru/website kinda girl. I'm not going to go the grocery store and buy a shit-ton of veggies and fruits and suddenly turn into Julia Childs. That's not who I am. I eat out every single day. I ate out every single day even when I was losing weight. I just eat out smarter. I haven't been to a CiCi's since I started. I HAVE had a burger from McD's. I have gotten the fried chicken sandwich from Jack in the Box. Subway and Lenny's are my new best friends. Heck, I've even had Baskin Robins on occasion.
I've definitely lost inches. Even since the stall I've lost more inches. I finally got into a pair of jeans I hadn't worn in years. Size 12. Which is depressing to me because I had once told myself I would never let myself get bigger than a 12...and here I got all the way to a 16 before finally doing something about it. It's not about what I weigh, or even that I think 16 is disgusting. It's about the way I look and how I feel about it. Size 12 is still too large for me, but it was a "livable" large. Kinda pleasantly plump sorta feel to me. 16 however was starting to verge on beached whale for me. I didn't feel healthy, I didn't look healthy. I WASN'T healthy. So, I'm back to a large 12 (meaning I still wear 14s most of the time, not 12 is a large size) and I FEEL healthier. If I can just get my mind back to being kind to me, I think I'll be good.
Now I'm going to go take a nap as I feel drained from the heat coming through my window. I'm such a freak. :P
Hope you are all doing fantastic!
Moving out of my dad's house was necessary. I can't say that was a wrong move. Bad, but not wrong. Bad for me financially that is. Not bad for me emotionally...and the ONLY way to save the relationship. And I don't even know for sure it will work. We are still at odds and seem to have very little bond left. Just familial love. No respect or liking or fondness is left. I hope we can get it back at some point, but just don't know if it will be possible.
My weight loss is stalled right now. And I'm ok with that for several reasons. One: I'm not gaining. I'm kinda just hovering around 15 pounds lost. Two: I need to focus on other things right now. Those of you who don't have to diet (or in this case completely change your eating habits) don't understand how much energy it takes to pass up the ho-hos and eat that peach cup instead...or ignore that niggling in the back of your mind telling you to snack even though you're not hungry and are just bored. Three: it's summer. I usually GAIN in summer. Holding my weight in light of summer energy suck and lack of any exercise is a miracle in and of itself. I know a lot of you are thinking, huh? Less exercise in summer? Yeah...it's a million degrees here in summer...and I don't do well in heat already. Just walking to my car suck every last bit of energy out of my body. I literally feel like taking a nap when I get back in after walking Buddy in the morning (just after having woken up). I'm more exhausted after 10 minutes laying out in the sun than I am after a 45 minute bike ride in the fall or winter.
I really love Weight Watchers though and I have kept the expense even though I really can't afford it. I love the meetings...there have been a LOT of weeks when I've wanted to give up and just go back to eating cheetoh's and junk food all the time. I'd make myself go to the meeting and suddenly be re-energized and ready to start again. I also like that it's not some weird plan that is not sustainable when I'm "done". And that you're never really "done". Once you reach goal weight, you stay in the program (for free) and can become an inspiration to others, as well as getting inspiration from beginners when you start thinking 5 more pounds won't make THAT much of a difference. I like that if I want pringles or McDonalds or cheesecake, I can have it. I just have to either plan for it, or adjust for it. So, it's the right plan for me. I'm just not a go-it-alone, follow-a-book/guru/website kinda girl. I'm not going to go the grocery store and buy a shit-ton of veggies and fruits and suddenly turn into Julia Childs. That's not who I am. I eat out every single day. I ate out every single day even when I was losing weight. I just eat out smarter. I haven't been to a CiCi's since I started. I HAVE had a burger from McD's. I have gotten the fried chicken sandwich from Jack in the Box. Subway and Lenny's are my new best friends. Heck, I've even had Baskin Robins on occasion.
I've definitely lost inches. Even since the stall I've lost more inches. I finally got into a pair of jeans I hadn't worn in years. Size 12. Which is depressing to me because I had once told myself I would never let myself get bigger than a 12...and here I got all the way to a 16 before finally doing something about it. It's not about what I weigh, or even that I think 16 is disgusting. It's about the way I look and how I feel about it. Size 12 is still too large for me, but it was a "livable" large. Kinda pleasantly plump sorta feel to me. 16 however was starting to verge on beached whale for me. I didn't feel healthy, I didn't look healthy. I WASN'T healthy. So, I'm back to a large 12 (meaning I still wear 14s most of the time, not 12 is a large size) and I FEEL healthier. If I can just get my mind back to being kind to me, I think I'll be good.
Now I'm going to go take a nap as I feel drained from the heat coming through my window. I'm such a freak. :P
Hope you are all doing fantastic!