Nostalgia.
Im Kristen.
Im complicated.
My moods are iffy and constantly changing without warning.
I intentionally spend most of my time alone, but still feel incredibly lonely.
I can be careless. Reckless.
I struggle with depression. Deep. frighting depression.
I don't play well with others. Im not big on human company.
I am an Autism Mom. My patience is non existent.
I don't care for foolishness, nonsense.
I can be crass, abrupt. Blunt. Without filter.
Humans disappoint. I prefer my cats.
I dont ask for much from people, because most arent willing to give.
Humans are instinctively selfish. I am no different.
I wake up every morning, and spend the first hour or so convincing myself that the daily fight is worth the efffort.
That my life has worthwhile meaning.
That i should keep living.
Some days, this process is positive.
Most it is not. I believe none of it.
Everyday is a struggle for me. Every...single...day.
I don't really have friends. This is my fault entirely.
I fight with myself about it, but know, i quickly feel crowded, smothered by obligations to others.
I dislike people in my space.
I dislike -most- people in general.
There is nothing special or unique about me.
My looks are below average.
My body is a disaster.
I am of average to below average intelligence.
I dont have any special talents worth bragging about, ive made no major accomplishments in my life that are worthy of recognition.
I often wonder why i bother continuing to exist, if this is a good as it gets.
But I push though.
I push. And push...
and push......
One day, im going to go over the edge. At which point......
I dont know.
I don't know....but I know it will be...unpleasant.
Its been proven over and over and over again that Im not worth the trouble. Not worth the fight.
I dont expect that to change anytime soon, or ever quite honestly.
But here I am.
constantly fighting.
im tired.
this is HARD.
and im tired.