no worth.
Im tired of being pretty.
At he end of the day, it does not mean anything. It does not gain me anything. It does not afford me otherwise unattainable opportunities. It doesnt make me more friends, it doesnt make people care about me any more or any less. Being "pretty" is for the most part worthless in my life.
I took some photos, selfies rather, yesterday because I -felt- pretty. Hair freshly done, perfect makeup, and I will admit, that when I was looking through them, I was shocked by how beautiful I looked in some of them. However, I immediately began to feel sad after that realization. The sick sad reality of just how alone I really am despite how "beautiful" I may or may not be, set in and i felt weak, and defeated.
I want to be valued by someone, but it occured to me today that I will not allow that to happen. I found myself texting D today, again.....all of which he ignored. He even went to my POF page today, I text him again, he ignored it. I don't understand why I am doing this to myself, torturing myself this way. I can't make heads or tails of how he feels, deep down I don't believe that he just doesnt give a fuck about me, I think hes a Capricorn and entirely too stubborn to open up about it, but its really here nor there. Regardless of what he does or does not feel, his ACTIONS are loudly and cleary saying "bitch I don't give a fuck about you, so leave me alone", so that what I am going to work on doing. I fucked this up, I have to live with the consequences.
I wouldnt allow it to develop into whatever it was going to be, be it nothing but great sex or more, because I am too paranoid of being hurt, so I pushed him away. In fact, I push everyone away. I dont really have many people in my life who care about me, and the people who do care about me, are sick of me I fear,
I dont want to just be pretty. I want to be loved.
At he end of the day, it does not mean anything. It does not gain me anything. It does not afford me otherwise unattainable opportunities. It doesnt make me more friends, it doesnt make people care about me any more or any less. Being "pretty" is for the most part worthless in my life.
I took some photos, selfies rather, yesterday because I -felt- pretty. Hair freshly done, perfect makeup, and I will admit, that when I was looking through them, I was shocked by how beautiful I looked in some of them. However, I immediately began to feel sad after that realization. The sick sad reality of just how alone I really am despite how "beautiful" I may or may not be, set in and i felt weak, and defeated.
I want to be valued by someone, but it occured to me today that I will not allow that to happen. I found myself texting D today, again.....all of which he ignored. He even went to my POF page today, I text him again, he ignored it. I don't understand why I am doing this to myself, torturing myself this way. I can't make heads or tails of how he feels, deep down I don't believe that he just doesnt give a fuck about me, I think hes a Capricorn and entirely too stubborn to open up about it, but its really here nor there. Regardless of what he does or does not feel, his ACTIONS are loudly and cleary saying "bitch I don't give a fuck about you, so leave me alone", so that what I am going to work on doing. I fucked this up, I have to live with the consequences.
I wouldnt allow it to develop into whatever it was going to be, be it nothing but great sex or more, because I am too paranoid of being hurt, so I pushed him away. In fact, I push everyone away. I dont really have many people in my life who care about me, and the people who do care about me, are sick of me I fear,
I dont want to just be pretty. I want to be loved.