The Year
Major Investments of the Past Year:
curtains
throw pillows for the couch (three)
three cashmere sweaters
a snow shovel
laundry detergent (the big bottle from Costco)
clove-mint scented soap (about 10 bars)
red pajamas with feet
a flannel duvet cover
a bathing suit (to replace the one that the over-chlorinated pool at the gym ate away)
five courses towards an MEd, High School English
a muffler and most of an exhaust system
many, many bottles of 2-Buck Chuck (which costs 3 here in Massachusetts)
four nesting plastic mixing bowls in neon colors
I suppose you can see why the crisis on Wall Street doesn't concern me as much as it should right now.
I'm a little late writing this year's State of the Me address because I haven't felt like the Holidays are really here. I'm not sure why. Rosh Hashanah passed last week, and I had people over for dinner and went to services both mornings, and I said all the words and tried really hard to think about the year that had passed, but it just didn't feel real, somehow. It feels like I'm avoiding something. I'm not sure what. Excuse me if the thoughts that follow are scattered; I'm just going to write and see what happens.
When I was in Israel for a week at the beginning of September, I looked around and thought to myself, "What if I just... stay?" It seemed so easy. But a minute later, I knew I had to get back because I owed my boss at least 2 weeks notice, and because I'd already paid my fall tuition, and that knowledge didn't bother me, really. It was just... new. I like my job; I like my classes; I like my friends here. The weather is turning toward fall, my favorite season, and the leaves are turning colors in a way that makes me smile when I step outside. Driving back from Betty's wedding at the beach on Sunday, I was glad to get back into New England and see the copper and the red and the yellow. Today I went out and bought mums the color of autumn and sat them on the front porch. My roommate (we'll call him RC for Raging Carnivore) made pumpkin soup for Rosh Hashanah, and it tasted just right. I can even say I'm happy living here.
But this is the first time I've lived anywhere more than a year since college. And I'll be here at minimum through December 2009, because that's how long it'll take me to finish my degree and get my certification. That's a long time for me to be still.
RC likes to tease me about all the time I spend lying on the sofa watching movies when I could be out meeting people in bars and restaurants and having a good time. I like to joke back that some people are made for physical activity, but my body is clearly fashioned for leisure, and I keep it it top condition for just that. The truth is that my budget is fashioned for leisure these days; school is expensive, and since I work fewer hours this year, my paycheck is smaller too. But there's another truth too: I feel sometimes that if I can just lay still on the couch, if I stay exactly where I am, if I do not move, I will not run away. Some days I get in the car and I have to fight to keep it on the road to work. I take the back roads, because if I get on the highway, I might not get off. Some days I want to walk right on past the university building and just keep walking. But if I stay on the couch, the blanket will weigh me down enough, and the only place I'll go that night is to bed.
Wonderful things are happening in my life. A lot of my friends are getting married (yay!) and some are having kids, and in the spring I'll even become an aunt (YAY!). But sometimes it feels like it's all happening around me, and I could just float up and out of my life and it wouldn't make much difference. And sometimes I'd like to float out a little while so something could happen to me... or so I could... I don't know... happen myself? I've been feeling a little disjointed lately.
...which I think may partially explain any out-of-character behavior on my part that any of you may have witnessed lately...
In any case. No regrets, right?
No, no regrets. Things are as they should be. I am here, and I am doing my job and learning what I need to learn, and I am allowed to feel a little restless from time to time.
I am sorry, though, if anything I've done or said in the past year has hurt you. I have no regrets about my actions as they affect me. They're mine, and I take responsibility for them, good or bad. But if my actions have hurt you, that's not your fault. And so I ask forgiveness.
curtains
throw pillows for the couch (three)
three cashmere sweaters
a snow shovel
laundry detergent (the big bottle from Costco)
clove-mint scented soap (about 10 bars)
red pajamas with feet
a flannel duvet cover
a bathing suit (to replace the one that the over-chlorinated pool at the gym ate away)
five courses towards an MEd, High School English
a muffler and most of an exhaust system
many, many bottles of 2-Buck Chuck (which costs 3 here in Massachusetts)
four nesting plastic mixing bowls in neon colors
I suppose you can see why the crisis on Wall Street doesn't concern me as much as it should right now.
I'm a little late writing this year's State of the Me address because I haven't felt like the Holidays are really here. I'm not sure why. Rosh Hashanah passed last week, and I had people over for dinner and went to services both mornings, and I said all the words and tried really hard to think about the year that had passed, but it just didn't feel real, somehow. It feels like I'm avoiding something. I'm not sure what. Excuse me if the thoughts that follow are scattered; I'm just going to write and see what happens.
When I was in Israel for a week at the beginning of September, I looked around and thought to myself, "What if I just... stay?" It seemed so easy. But a minute later, I knew I had to get back because I owed my boss at least 2 weeks notice, and because I'd already paid my fall tuition, and that knowledge didn't bother me, really. It was just... new. I like my job; I like my classes; I like my friends here. The weather is turning toward fall, my favorite season, and the leaves are turning colors in a way that makes me smile when I step outside. Driving back from Betty's wedding at the beach on Sunday, I was glad to get back into New England and see the copper and the red and the yellow. Today I went out and bought mums the color of autumn and sat them on the front porch. My roommate (we'll call him RC for Raging Carnivore) made pumpkin soup for Rosh Hashanah, and it tasted just right. I can even say I'm happy living here.
But this is the first time I've lived anywhere more than a year since college. And I'll be here at minimum through December 2009, because that's how long it'll take me to finish my degree and get my certification. That's a long time for me to be still.
RC likes to tease me about all the time I spend lying on the sofa watching movies when I could be out meeting people in bars and restaurants and having a good time. I like to joke back that some people are made for physical activity, but my body is clearly fashioned for leisure, and I keep it it top condition for just that. The truth is that my budget is fashioned for leisure these days; school is expensive, and since I work fewer hours this year, my paycheck is smaller too. But there's another truth too: I feel sometimes that if I can just lay still on the couch, if I stay exactly where I am, if I do not move, I will not run away. Some days I get in the car and I have to fight to keep it on the road to work. I take the back roads, because if I get on the highway, I might not get off. Some days I want to walk right on past the university building and just keep walking. But if I stay on the couch, the blanket will weigh me down enough, and the only place I'll go that night is to bed.
Wonderful things are happening in my life. A lot of my friends are getting married (yay!) and some are having kids, and in the spring I'll even become an aunt (YAY!). But sometimes it feels like it's all happening around me, and I could just float up and out of my life and it wouldn't make much difference. And sometimes I'd like to float out a little while so something could happen to me... or so I could... I don't know... happen myself? I've been feeling a little disjointed lately.
...which I think may partially explain any out-of-character behavior on my part that any of you may have witnessed lately...
In any case. No regrets, right?
No, no regrets. Things are as they should be. I am here, and I am doing my job and learning what I need to learn, and I am allowed to feel a little restless from time to time.
I am sorry, though, if anything I've done or said in the past year has hurt you. I have no regrets about my actions as they affect me. They're mine, and I take responsibility for them, good or bad. But if my actions have hurt you, that's not your fault. And so I ask forgiveness.