Amnesia and Realizations. And Maple-Glazed Turkey. Chapter Ten.
Title: Amnesia and Realizations. And Maple-Glazed Turkey.
Author: nancygrew
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Characters belong to ATWT
Notes: Takes place late November 2015. You don't have to read my other fic in order to understand this one. Originally written for Noah_Who but decided to bring it over here with the rest of my fic so that I could play with tags.
Summary: Noah wakes up in Oakdale Memorial Hospital
CHAPTER TEN: FRIDAY MORNING
Noah was sitting on a lounge chair on the rooftop terrace. He felt close to crying.
Reid stepped out onto the terrace. He was carrying a cup of coffee and a medical journal. He appeared startled to see Noah.
Reid looked as uncomfortable as it was possible to look. Like his skin had suddenly become ten sizes too small. “Have you regained your memory or are you feeling stressed about the amnesia?”
“I remember,” said Noah. “I’ve known for a long time that I messed up my relationship with Luke. That it was my fault that I had lost him. But I don’t think I understood how much I . . . I think that I might have hated him more than I loved him.”
“Duh,” said Reid before sipping his coffee.
“For the past couple days, I just kept trying to make him unhappy. I actively tried to discourage him and make him feel bad about himself. I was angry at him the whole time. About the stupidest stuff. The worst part is that I think that’s how I felt about him and treated him back when we were together.”
“Too bad you didn’t recognize the fact that you hated Luke back when you were dating him,” said Reid. “If you had made a clean break with him, you both would have been happier.”
“You wouldn’t have been able to take Luke from me if I hadn’t messed up so badly.”
“But you are, Blanche! You are stuck in that chair!” said Reid.
Noah gave a puzzled look. “What?!?”
“It’s a quote from What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? I guess I meant it as you don’t have any choice but to accept the situation in which you find yourself.”
“That movie is incredibly gay.”
“That’s one of about a million differences between you and me,” said Reid. “I don’t think that ‘gay’ should be used as a pejorative. Maybe you’d be happier if you didn’t think so either.”
“Maybe I haven’t ever completely silenced my father’s voice saying that being gay is wrong,” admitted Noah. “Maybe I treated Luke so badly because part of me thought that Luke was the reason I couldn’t pretend to be the ever-so heterosexual Noah Mayer anymore. It’s really weird to think of the Great Dr. Oliver as watching something so campy, by the way.”
“About a year and a half ago, Faith went through a phase where she insisted we have ‘Gay Movie Night’ every other Sunday. Lily was deliciously freaked out about it until she realized that the movies were things like The Wizard of Oz and Mommy Dearest instead of Rimming Private Ryan.”
Noah snorted and then frowned. “I hate that you have the life that I should have with Luke.”
“Don’t be a moron. This is the life that Luke and I have built together. If you had somehow miraculously not been a complete jerk, you would have built a different life with him. Maybe in LA or New York. He would have insisted on helping you realize your dreams about being a film maker.”
“He would have,” admitted Noah. “My happiness was more important to him than his own. And I threw him away like garbage. Actually, I’ve probably treated my garbage with more tenderness than I did Luke.”
“If you think I’m going to tell you not to blame yourself, you’re wrong.”
“I destroyed my life because I didn’t understand what it meant to be in a relationship,” Noah sighed.
“You are such a drama queen,” sneered Reid. “First of all, you’re still a few years from your thirtieth birthday. You not having made a splash in the highly competitive field you chose for your career and not having found a person that you’d be willing to sacrifice for isn’t exactly some Dickensian tragedy.”
“Are you giving me a pep talk?” asked Noah. “Has Armageddon begun?”
“You should probably seek some counseling regarding your myriad psychological issues,” Reid continued while ignoring Noah’s interruption. “You’d probably be less of a tool if you didn’t hate yourself so much. Bobbo’s daughter, Frannie Hughes, has opened up a psychology practice in Old Town. You should call her. Also, you’re an idiot if you think that everyone else in the world was given some kind of rulebook about relationships. Everyone’s clueless. Do you think being raised by the Great Star-Crossed Lovers gave Luke a frakking clue about relationships?”
“He had a head start over me,” insisted Noah. “He came from a solid, loving family.”
“Puh-lease,” said Reid. “Loving, sure. Solid? The reason he’s so good at being in a relationship is because he’s reacting against his parents’ example.”
“Lily and Holden broke up a few times but it’s not like Luke was raised by my dad,” said Noah.
“Golly gee, it must have been rough to be raised by a strict father,” answered Reid. “All Luke had to live through was various kidnappings, attempted murder, seeing his beloved aunt humiliated at her own wedding before she collapsed due to a fatal dose of poison, have his sister taken away and replaced by another sister, almost die due to kidney failure, overcome alcoholism--”
“Please shut up,” said Noah. “I get it. Even though Luke had a loving family, he also went through some horrible crap and I shouldn’t feel resentful towards him because he has family who loves him.”
“They loved you too, you know,” said Reid. Noah thought there might even be a smidgen of compassion in Reid’s tone.
“I think they loved me because Luke loved me,” replied Noah. “Not because I was worthy of being loved. I considered myself a part of the family when it was convenient or easy for me but I didn’t stick around for the hard parts. I didn’t stick around for Holden’s funeral or keep in touch with the kids when Luke and I broke up. I didn’t stick with Luke when he thought his biological father was dead or when Holden was arrested for his murder.”
“Well, you probably blew your chance at being considered family with some of them, especially Faith and Lucinda,” said Reid. “But you could probably restore you relationships with Lily and Emma if you really want to.”
“It wouldn’t be fair to Luke for me to try to glom onto his family again,” sighed Noah.
“He’s not the type of man who would begrudge you something like that,” said Reid rolling his eyes. “Don’t use him as an excuse for doing or not doing something.”
Luke came up onto the rooftop terrace. He looked between Reid and Noah.
“Noah has his memory back,” said Reid. “I’m going to go . . . do something.”
Reid nuzzled Luke’s cheek and left.
“So, having your memory back must be pretty great,” said Luke.
“I’m sorry, Luke.”
“For what? Back-seat cooking?”
“I was so horrible to you. I’ve know that I was the reason our relationship failed but I don’t think I ever gave you the courtesy of being completely honest with you. I’ve never told you how sorry I was or how I knew everything was my fault. I never thanked you for loving me even when I didn’t deserve it. Which was probably 85% of the time.”
“We weren’t right for one another. It’s nobody’s fault that we didn’t stay together forever.”
Noah picked up Luke’s hand. “Even if we weren’t right for each other, I should have been kinder to you while we were together. I rarely stood by you when you needed me but I always expected you to drop everything for me. Unless I decided that I didn’t want you around.”
“Maybe if I hadn’t kept forcing you into being my boyfriend when you obviously didn’t want to be my boyfriend, you wouldn’t have been so resentful of me.”
“You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I know that I didn’t appreciate you like I should have but I really did love you.”
Luke sighed gently. “I loved you too.”
“I hate Reid with every fiber of my being.”
“Yeah, I sort of picked up on that,” smiled Luke.
“But I’m glad that you have him,” said Noah. “He’s smart and successful and he loves you like you should be loved. And can we pretend that that sounded less sexual than it did?”
Luke laughed.
“He’s supportive of you and values you for everything that you are. I wish that I could have given you that.”
“I wish that I could have let you go when you wanted to be let go.”
“So, what do we do now?” asked Noah.
“I’m thinking breakfast.”
“No. Do we really have a chance at a real friendship? Or are we fooling ourselves?”
Luke fidgeted. “Do we have to make a decision about this right now?”
Noah smiled sadly. “No. No pressure. Why don’t we go and dig into the leftovers?”
“Reid’s been gone for over three minutes. Odds are pretty good that the leftovers are now gone.”
Luke bumped his shoulder against Noah’s and they went downstairs together.
Author: nancygrew
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Characters belong to ATWT
Notes: Takes place late November 2015. You don't have to read my other fic in order to understand this one. Originally written for Noah_Who but decided to bring it over here with the rest of my fic so that I could play with tags.
Summary: Noah wakes up in Oakdale Memorial Hospital
CHAPTER TEN: FRIDAY MORNING
Noah was sitting on a lounge chair on the rooftop terrace. He felt close to crying.
Reid stepped out onto the terrace. He was carrying a cup of coffee and a medical journal. He appeared startled to see Noah.
Reid looked as uncomfortable as it was possible to look. Like his skin had suddenly become ten sizes too small. “Have you regained your memory or are you feeling stressed about the amnesia?”
“I remember,” said Noah. “I’ve known for a long time that I messed up my relationship with Luke. That it was my fault that I had lost him. But I don’t think I understood how much I . . . I think that I might have hated him more than I loved him.”
“Duh,” said Reid before sipping his coffee.
“For the past couple days, I just kept trying to make him unhappy. I actively tried to discourage him and make him feel bad about himself. I was angry at him the whole time. About the stupidest stuff. The worst part is that I think that’s how I felt about him and treated him back when we were together.”
“Too bad you didn’t recognize the fact that you hated Luke back when you were dating him,” said Reid. “If you had made a clean break with him, you both would have been happier.”
“You wouldn’t have been able to take Luke from me if I hadn’t messed up so badly.”
“But you are, Blanche! You are stuck in that chair!” said Reid.
Noah gave a puzzled look. “What?!?”
“It’s a quote from What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? I guess I meant it as you don’t have any choice but to accept the situation in which you find yourself.”
“That movie is incredibly gay.”
“That’s one of about a million differences between you and me,” said Reid. “I don’t think that ‘gay’ should be used as a pejorative. Maybe you’d be happier if you didn’t think so either.”
“Maybe I haven’t ever completely silenced my father’s voice saying that being gay is wrong,” admitted Noah. “Maybe I treated Luke so badly because part of me thought that Luke was the reason I couldn’t pretend to be the ever-so heterosexual Noah Mayer anymore. It’s really weird to think of the Great Dr. Oliver as watching something so campy, by the way.”
“About a year and a half ago, Faith went through a phase where she insisted we have ‘Gay Movie Night’ every other Sunday. Lily was deliciously freaked out about it until she realized that the movies were things like The Wizard of Oz and Mommy Dearest instead of Rimming Private Ryan.”
Noah snorted and then frowned. “I hate that you have the life that I should have with Luke.”
“Don’t be a moron. This is the life that Luke and I have built together. If you had somehow miraculously not been a complete jerk, you would have built a different life with him. Maybe in LA or New York. He would have insisted on helping you realize your dreams about being a film maker.”
“He would have,” admitted Noah. “My happiness was more important to him than his own. And I threw him away like garbage. Actually, I’ve probably treated my garbage with more tenderness than I did Luke.”
“If you think I’m going to tell you not to blame yourself, you’re wrong.”
“I destroyed my life because I didn’t understand what it meant to be in a relationship,” Noah sighed.
“You are such a drama queen,” sneered Reid. “First of all, you’re still a few years from your thirtieth birthday. You not having made a splash in the highly competitive field you chose for your career and not having found a person that you’d be willing to sacrifice for isn’t exactly some Dickensian tragedy.”
“Are you giving me a pep talk?” asked Noah. “Has Armageddon begun?”
“You should probably seek some counseling regarding your myriad psychological issues,” Reid continued while ignoring Noah’s interruption. “You’d probably be less of a tool if you didn’t hate yourself so much. Bobbo’s daughter, Frannie Hughes, has opened up a psychology practice in Old Town. You should call her. Also, you’re an idiot if you think that everyone else in the world was given some kind of rulebook about relationships. Everyone’s clueless. Do you think being raised by the Great Star-Crossed Lovers gave Luke a frakking clue about relationships?”
“He had a head start over me,” insisted Noah. “He came from a solid, loving family.”
“Puh-lease,” said Reid. “Loving, sure. Solid? The reason he’s so good at being in a relationship is because he’s reacting against his parents’ example.”
“Lily and Holden broke up a few times but it’s not like Luke was raised by my dad,” said Noah.
“Golly gee, it must have been rough to be raised by a strict father,” answered Reid. “All Luke had to live through was various kidnappings, attempted murder, seeing his beloved aunt humiliated at her own wedding before she collapsed due to a fatal dose of poison, have his sister taken away and replaced by another sister, almost die due to kidney failure, overcome alcoholism--”
“Please shut up,” said Noah. “I get it. Even though Luke had a loving family, he also went through some horrible crap and I shouldn’t feel resentful towards him because he has family who loves him.”
“They loved you too, you know,” said Reid. Noah thought there might even be a smidgen of compassion in Reid’s tone.
“I think they loved me because Luke loved me,” replied Noah. “Not because I was worthy of being loved. I considered myself a part of the family when it was convenient or easy for me but I didn’t stick around for the hard parts. I didn’t stick around for Holden’s funeral or keep in touch with the kids when Luke and I broke up. I didn’t stick with Luke when he thought his biological father was dead or when Holden was arrested for his murder.”
“Well, you probably blew your chance at being considered family with some of them, especially Faith and Lucinda,” said Reid. “But you could probably restore you relationships with Lily and Emma if you really want to.”
“It wouldn’t be fair to Luke for me to try to glom onto his family again,” sighed Noah.
“He’s not the type of man who would begrudge you something like that,” said Reid rolling his eyes. “Don’t use him as an excuse for doing or not doing something.”
Luke came up onto the rooftop terrace. He looked between Reid and Noah.
“Noah has his memory back,” said Reid. “I’m going to go . . . do something.”
Reid nuzzled Luke’s cheek and left.
“So, having your memory back must be pretty great,” said Luke.
“I’m sorry, Luke.”
“For what? Back-seat cooking?”
“I was so horrible to you. I’ve know that I was the reason our relationship failed but I don’t think I ever gave you the courtesy of being completely honest with you. I’ve never told you how sorry I was or how I knew everything was my fault. I never thanked you for loving me even when I didn’t deserve it. Which was probably 85% of the time.”
“We weren’t right for one another. It’s nobody’s fault that we didn’t stay together forever.”
Noah picked up Luke’s hand. “Even if we weren’t right for each other, I should have been kinder to you while we were together. I rarely stood by you when you needed me but I always expected you to drop everything for me. Unless I decided that I didn’t want you around.”
“Maybe if I hadn’t kept forcing you into being my boyfriend when you obviously didn’t want to be my boyfriend, you wouldn’t have been so resentful of me.”
“You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I know that I didn’t appreciate you like I should have but I really did love you.”
Luke sighed gently. “I loved you too.”
“I hate Reid with every fiber of my being.”
“Yeah, I sort of picked up on that,” smiled Luke.
“But I’m glad that you have him,” said Noah. “He’s smart and successful and he loves you like you should be loved. And can we pretend that that sounded less sexual than it did?”
Luke laughed.
“He’s supportive of you and values you for everything that you are. I wish that I could have given you that.”
“I wish that I could have let you go when you wanted to be let go.”
“So, what do we do now?” asked Noah.
“I’m thinking breakfast.”
“No. Do we really have a chance at a real friendship? Or are we fooling ourselves?”
Luke fidgeted. “Do we have to make a decision about this right now?”
Noah smiled sadly. “No. No pressure. Why don’t we go and dig into the leftovers?”
“Reid’s been gone for over three minutes. Odds are pretty good that the leftovers are now gone.”
Luke bumped his shoulder against Noah’s and they went downstairs together.