(no subject)
Aaron and I broke up. I didn't know if I loved him anymore, so for the past two weeks I had been dragging him on a roller coaster of one day loving him and the next day saying "I don't know, I just keep getting these thoughts that I don't really love you." He couldn't deal with that roller coaster. I can't blame him. I don't blame him. Everyone has been telling me "You clearly love him, why are you doing this to yourself?" I couldn't eat, concentrate...all I could do was think the same circular thoughts over and over. On the days when I didn't think about them, I was fine. On the days that I did, I was a mess. I haven't cried this much or been this emotional ever. I am thinking I may also have some sort of mental disorder, like generalized anxiety. He broke up with me on Saturday night. WE had discussed earlier that perhaps I was just bored with the relationship, that we needed to work on changing things. I liked the idea, because now I'm sure I was bored. But what could we really change? Our situations at school prevented us from being truly adventurous, or whatever. And the last two days before our breakup were great...he and I both thought we had a grip on this, finally. But I didn't. And I broke down into the circular thoughts again that night :"Do I love him? Is this what love feels like? Or is it that he's my only friend, my best friend, and I'm just staying with him because otherwise, I have nobody?" Because its true, I really don't have any friends at Fredonia. Sure, i have people in class that I get along with, and the one girl that constantly wants to hang out but I don't really like her, but thats all. I have alienated everyone because I just wanted to be with him. Its my own fault, he didn't make me, in fact he encouraged me to go out and make friends, and do my own things. But I didn't. Now I don't know what I like to do for fun, I don't have any friends, and my God do I feel miserable.
I had to see him for Easter. My mom and I had been invited to his Grandmas house for easter supper, and social niceities dictate that we should go. I wasn't going to at first, because it would have just been too awful to deal with. But I did, because it was the right thing to do socially, plus grandma had made me a cake for my birthday (Which is today, by the way. I'm twenty.) I called Aaron and asked if it was okay, even though the night before he said we were still invited because he didn't want us to be alone on easter. When he called me back, he sounded awful. He had already told everyone. Hearing his voice was heartbreaking. I wanted so bad to comfort him, and him to comfort me. I asked if he could handle me being there, he said he didn't know. I asked if he was willing to try to get along while i was there, he said okay. And when we got there, everyone was SO NICE. I didn't lose it and cry, thank god, but I got really close when they presented me the cake and my gifts singing happy birthday. I would never have his family's affection again, either. What was worse, is he didn't give me my gifts, and he didn't sing happy birthday. I can't say I blame him, but it really hurt. We all had fun later playing the Nintendo Wii that I brought over, but Aaron wouldn't really look at me or talk to me except for little things that were polite or necessary. I expected it, but it still hurt. I wanted to touch him, and comfort him. I wanted it to be like before all of this, when we laughed and joked and cheered eachother on. I cheered him on, but it didn't matter. I miss him so much.
Now its my birthday. I can't believe its my birthday and I feel so awful. I still don't know if I love him or not, but i'm leaning toward not because even when we broke up, a feeling of relief in my stomach was significant. But I miss his touch, his laugh, his silliness, his love. I know those who still read this care about me, but i have neglected my friendships and they are too far to comfort me truly. I don't know what to do now: I feel like I don't have any hobbies to keep my mind engaged, and no friends to support me. My family has been good to me, but they are getting frustrated with my constant depression. I want to be friends with Aaron, but I don't know if he will allow it. HE still loved me, you know. I was the one doubting my love for him, not the other way around. I feel as though he didn't give me everything I wanted in a relationship, but that is not an attack on him. He will make some woman so happy. Maybe it will still be me, someday, but i don't know. He is a good man, and I have nothing but respect for him. I still deeply care about him. But I don't think thats love. I just don't know. All I know is that I miss him, and that I need to figure out how to make friends and have a life of my own.
PS: My cousin Katie got engaged with her boyfriend, Aaron, the same day my Aaron broke up with me. How crazy is that?
I had to see him for Easter. My mom and I had been invited to his Grandmas house for easter supper, and social niceities dictate that we should go. I wasn't going to at first, because it would have just been too awful to deal with. But I did, because it was the right thing to do socially, plus grandma had made me a cake for my birthday (Which is today, by the way. I'm twenty.) I called Aaron and asked if it was okay, even though the night before he said we were still invited because he didn't want us to be alone on easter. When he called me back, he sounded awful. He had already told everyone. Hearing his voice was heartbreaking. I wanted so bad to comfort him, and him to comfort me. I asked if he could handle me being there, he said he didn't know. I asked if he was willing to try to get along while i was there, he said okay. And when we got there, everyone was SO NICE. I didn't lose it and cry, thank god, but I got really close when they presented me the cake and my gifts singing happy birthday. I would never have his family's affection again, either. What was worse, is he didn't give me my gifts, and he didn't sing happy birthday. I can't say I blame him, but it really hurt. We all had fun later playing the Nintendo Wii that I brought over, but Aaron wouldn't really look at me or talk to me except for little things that were polite or necessary. I expected it, but it still hurt. I wanted to touch him, and comfort him. I wanted it to be like before all of this, when we laughed and joked and cheered eachother on. I cheered him on, but it didn't matter. I miss him so much.
Now its my birthday. I can't believe its my birthday and I feel so awful. I still don't know if I love him or not, but i'm leaning toward not because even when we broke up, a feeling of relief in my stomach was significant. But I miss his touch, his laugh, his silliness, his love. I know those who still read this care about me, but i have neglected my friendships and they are too far to comfort me truly. I don't know what to do now: I feel like I don't have any hobbies to keep my mind engaged, and no friends to support me. My family has been good to me, but they are getting frustrated with my constant depression. I want to be friends with Aaron, but I don't know if he will allow it. HE still loved me, you know. I was the one doubting my love for him, not the other way around. I feel as though he didn't give me everything I wanted in a relationship, but that is not an attack on him. He will make some woman so happy. Maybe it will still be me, someday, but i don't know. He is a good man, and I have nothing but respect for him. I still deeply care about him. But I don't think thats love. I just don't know. All I know is that I miss him, and that I need to figure out how to make friends and have a life of my own.
PS: My cousin Katie got engaged with her boyfriend, Aaron, the same day my Aaron broke up with me. How crazy is that?