Stepping Off
The last week has been a bit of a fluster for me. I got a phone call requesting a second interview for one of the grownup jobs that I had applied for but had written off getting for the summer. The problem is is that after I have the 2nd interview, I will probably have four or five days to actually get packed up and moved out. This was not much of a surprise for me as it was something I had anticipated having be prepared to do, but needless to say it has put a bit of stress on life altogether and left everything pretty much in a state of flux.
So yesterday I responded in the only way I could think of and I stepped off the end and gave my notice for my suite. I wasn't 100% certain I was going to do it before the words left my lips, certainly wasn't sure it would happen before I went for the walk that helped clear my head and make the necessary decision clearer to me. But I returned, paid my rent for this month, and stepped off the edge.
And today, things began to fall into line. I know that even if I have to stay in Vancouver for the summer, that I will find a place to live, no problem. And if I have to move to Sechelt for the summer, no problem there either, I have already located a possible place to go to. Instead of the decision scaring me I became more at peace with it. I know that I did the right thing.
No sooner had I delivered my decision had I received an email from Sam asking me to look after her place again. It seemed appropriate to end my time here in Vancouver before the summer than in the same place I essentially started my year long summer last summer, on Parker street. I couldn't say no to something that seemed so strongly like a sign that I was on the right track.
And then his voice. I knew a few weeks back when I sent out an anonymous postcard telling the unaddressed 'him' how much I missed him and how much I still hurt, that somehow fate and karma would toss something back at me. The fact that the memory of his laughter was bringing tears to my eyes and my fingertips missed outlining his tattoos and counting his freckles told me that I wasn't anywhere near where my heart was lingering. Today I heard his laugh, his voice, and his encouragement and reassurance and I walked on air for the rest of the day telling myself that this time I am not going to let go, this time I am playing for keeps.
So now all that is left for me to do is to plan my End of the World party. The last few weeks I kept feeling as though I was tying up loose ends for a reason, and now I know why. I am planning a day long celebration on my birthday where I will be meeting with different friends at different times of the day, eventually ending in a get together on Parker Street with one very special overnight guest who with whom I will fall peacefully to sleep with tucked into his strong arms, listening to the sounds of his breath and the beats of his heart.
Once again I see that stepping off and letting go of all that is safe doesn't have to be so scary after all.
So yesterday I responded in the only way I could think of and I stepped off the end and gave my notice for my suite. I wasn't 100% certain I was going to do it before the words left my lips, certainly wasn't sure it would happen before I went for the walk that helped clear my head and make the necessary decision clearer to me. But I returned, paid my rent for this month, and stepped off the edge.
And today, things began to fall into line. I know that even if I have to stay in Vancouver for the summer, that I will find a place to live, no problem. And if I have to move to Sechelt for the summer, no problem there either, I have already located a possible place to go to. Instead of the decision scaring me I became more at peace with it. I know that I did the right thing.
No sooner had I delivered my decision had I received an email from Sam asking me to look after her place again. It seemed appropriate to end my time here in Vancouver before the summer than in the same place I essentially started my year long summer last summer, on Parker street. I couldn't say no to something that seemed so strongly like a sign that I was on the right track.
And then his voice. I knew a few weeks back when I sent out an anonymous postcard telling the unaddressed 'him' how much I missed him and how much I still hurt, that somehow fate and karma would toss something back at me. The fact that the memory of his laughter was bringing tears to my eyes and my fingertips missed outlining his tattoos and counting his freckles told me that I wasn't anywhere near where my heart was lingering. Today I heard his laugh, his voice, and his encouragement and reassurance and I walked on air for the rest of the day telling myself that this time I am not going to let go, this time I am playing for keeps.
So now all that is left for me to do is to plan my End of the World party. The last few weeks I kept feeling as though I was tying up loose ends for a reason, and now I know why. I am planning a day long celebration on my birthday where I will be meeting with different friends at different times of the day, eventually ending in a get together on Parker Street with one very special overnight guest who with whom I will fall peacefully to sleep with tucked into his strong arms, listening to the sounds of his breath and the beats of his heart.
Once again I see that stepping off and letting go of all that is safe doesn't have to be so scary after all.