Reconstructing Nancy
I find it interesting that for the first time in a long time, I really feel like I am allowing myself to be me. The decisions I am making throughout my day aren't because I feel as though I need to try and impress anyone, and I don't feel like I have that subconscious image of any one person lingering over my head guiding my choices anymore. For many years I dare say I feel that in some way, shape or form I always had that there; I would tell myself what I should be eating because I thought that is what 'they' thought I should, or more importantly, should not be eating; I would avoid wearing certain clothes because I knew that 'he' didn't like that shirt, or those pants; I should, or should not, do something with my hair or make up because that was what was expected of me. I thought I should do or be more 'blank' because that would be what 'he or she' would do. I should avoid doing 'that' because 'so and so' would think it was frivolous, pointless or dumb. I wasn't strong enough to be myself and instead, I thought at some point not deliberately, that I wasn't important enough to be who I was, and instead I patterned my life in such a way to make someone else happy or fulfill what it is I think that the 'other' person would think would be the best thing for me to do. It is no wonder that I have lost myself so many times over the course of the years.
So now I make my own decisions, although it could be argued that I always did make my own decisions as no one was really holding a gun to my head making me decide what I should or should not do before. But now I decide what I am going to wear based on what I feel like wearing, not because it is technically the right thing to wear. If I decide to put on some make up or do something with my hair, it's because I honestly felt like doing that, or alternately, couldn't be bothered to do. I decide what I want to eat at mealtimes, whether or not it is nutritionally balanced, because it was what I felt like preparing, and I will eat it wherever I please. I will chose a destination and get there however I feel like getting there, when I feel like going, whether or not it is raining or cold or sunny, late or early, spectacular or tedious. I now go to events that I want to go to instead of feeling obliged to spend time with someone else, or not going at all because I didn't have anyone to go with. Simple enough to do, you may say, and you're right. But somehow it felt like these decisions had been dictated to me on some level, and strangely, the ability to make my own decisions for myself had to be relearned.
The results of all of this relearning and rebuilding of myself are revealing themselves in two very interesting ways; I am in-deliberately drawing some very awesome people towards me and I am beginning to see how great a person I really am. In the last little while I have met so many really amazing people. There have been artists from all ranges of the spectrum, and friends of friends are contacting me to hang out and to engage in projects with me. I have been unexpectedly asked out on dates, and invited to events. I have co-workers telling me how much they enjoy working with me, and professors complimenting me on my personal projects. My opinion has been sought out on various different issues, and in some cases my good attributes somehow precede my introduction.
And with all this reconstruction I am beginning to like me again because I see myself more as a real solid person. I used to picture myself as only being a product of bits and pieces of everyone else which made me only feel as though I was a facade of everything I saw, a fake and a phony. But now I see that I have depth and interests of my own. I have embarked on many projects, both big and small, artistic and analytical. I see myself as intelligent and somewhat artsy, although maybe not in a fine arts sort of way. I find that my problem solving skills are being fine tuned, as well my organizational skills; somehow I am able to keep a mental track of my, at times, hectic and almost impossible schedule of events in my head without missing or forgetting anything. I feel substantial and real and interesting and I am someone that people really do like and 'want' to be around and enjoy spending time with.
I have to say this all feels a fuck of a lot better than beating myself up and bashing my head against a wall, fighting with myself internally, not knowing or understanding all those times that I didn't feel right inside because I wasn't me; I was betraying myself.
So now I make my own decisions, although it could be argued that I always did make my own decisions as no one was really holding a gun to my head making me decide what I should or should not do before. But now I decide what I am going to wear based on what I feel like wearing, not because it is technically the right thing to wear. If I decide to put on some make up or do something with my hair, it's because I honestly felt like doing that, or alternately, couldn't be bothered to do. I decide what I want to eat at mealtimes, whether or not it is nutritionally balanced, because it was what I felt like preparing, and I will eat it wherever I please. I will chose a destination and get there however I feel like getting there, when I feel like going, whether or not it is raining or cold or sunny, late or early, spectacular or tedious. I now go to events that I want to go to instead of feeling obliged to spend time with someone else, or not going at all because I didn't have anyone to go with. Simple enough to do, you may say, and you're right. But somehow it felt like these decisions had been dictated to me on some level, and strangely, the ability to make my own decisions for myself had to be relearned.
The results of all of this relearning and rebuilding of myself are revealing themselves in two very interesting ways; I am in-deliberately drawing some very awesome people towards me and I am beginning to see how great a person I really am. In the last little while I have met so many really amazing people. There have been artists from all ranges of the spectrum, and friends of friends are contacting me to hang out and to engage in projects with me. I have been unexpectedly asked out on dates, and invited to events. I have co-workers telling me how much they enjoy working with me, and professors complimenting me on my personal projects. My opinion has been sought out on various different issues, and in some cases my good attributes somehow precede my introduction.
And with all this reconstruction I am beginning to like me again because I see myself more as a real solid person. I used to picture myself as only being a product of bits and pieces of everyone else which made me only feel as though I was a facade of everything I saw, a fake and a phony. But now I see that I have depth and interests of my own. I have embarked on many projects, both big and small, artistic and analytical. I see myself as intelligent and somewhat artsy, although maybe not in a fine arts sort of way. I find that my problem solving skills are being fine tuned, as well my organizational skills; somehow I am able to keep a mental track of my, at times, hectic and almost impossible schedule of events in my head without missing or forgetting anything. I feel substantial and real and interesting and I am someone that people really do like and 'want' to be around and enjoy spending time with.
I have to say this all feels a fuck of a lot better than beating myself up and bashing my head against a wall, fighting with myself internally, not knowing or understanding all those times that I didn't feel right inside because I wasn't me; I was betraying myself.